I have been trying to detach from my BPDexgf of four and a half years. For the last 9 days I have tried to go no contact, after breaking up with her.
She has apparently been seeing my replacement since March. I guess after everything that doesn't really surprise me. I know that I should be thankful that I can get out this time without the nonstop phone calls, emails, texts, guilt and suicide threats but part of me still feels upset, and angry. I had tried two times before to leave over the last four years but would always give in after a month of no contact and respond.
I think what is different this time is that I've let go of the fantasy that things will work out.
I haven't given in to her calls and texts this time, although there haven't been many. But I was feeling particularly strong after therapy today. And as luck would have it she called, instant anxiety, I didn't pick up but I listened to the voice mail messages she left.
I don't know what I was thinking because after all there isn't anything that she is capable of saying that I need to hear.
But this is what I got, and my response to it.
Voicemail 1
"This is the last time I'm going to be calling you, I've reached out." -Please stop reaching out.
"I know you don't have many friends" -Well you did push them all away, and would rage if I spent my time doing anything other than catering to you.
"I want to try to help you and be there for you" -No, thank you.
"I'm going to erase your number, and never call you again" -Well that would be nice.
"You can call me today, if you want to talk to me ever again" -Please stop trying to control me with ultimatums.
"It's been long enough that I can do that, and be okay with that" -Well it hasn't been long enough for me to listen to this yet. You started in March when we were still together, I just started 9 days ago.
"I do miss you and wonder and hope you are okay." -Thanks... .I guess.
"I keep hitting a brick wall, it's frustrating I can't do anything about it" -Well I don't want you as a part of my life anymore, I want to be healthy and happy again I'm tired of being an empty shell of a person.
"I hope you are happier and getting healthy and finding out what you want to do with your life." -I'm trying to get there, going to therapy, finding new hobbies, and making new friends.
Voicemail 2
"My message got caught off" -Okay... .
"I just wanted to say I love you, I don't know that I will always love you, but I love you as a person." -Huh?
"And I regret a lot of things, the way a lot of things went, I don't blame myself and I don't blame you. It's probably a lot my fault, I know you tried to let go but I clung on, I've finally gotten over it and it feels good." -Good for you, but can you please stop rubbing your happiness in my face. I will get there eventually.
I'm sorry for the things I said and the things I did that hurt you, but there's truth in what I did. There's angst too, but there's truth, I think I've finally stepped back far enough to be able to see it now. -... .I don't even think that's an apology. Just a reiteration of the hurtful things, and a justification for them.
"We are not good for each other we never were!" -Okay. I actually agree. I enabled you and you used and abused me. It wasn't a healthy relationship.
"I'm a lot happier now, I hope you are too, I'll never know but... ." -I am happier now than I was at the end of our relationship. I don't miss the abuse. I miss the girl that I met but I don't think you are that person. I feel sorry that you have this disorder. I don't want to give you the satisfaction of knowing how I am doing though. I do wish, you'd just respect no contact and leave me alone, to grieve the loss of the fantasy I had for our future and the loss of the fantasy that was the girl I met.
"Um... .there's a hole left... .in my life... .left from you... .but it doesn't feel sad anymore because I know if I were to keep splitting I would be miserable." -Surprisingly introspective. I wish you the best, I'm glad that you are doing well. I hope that things work out for you.
"I don't know what's going on with these messages, you're probably checking them on your phone or something." -I hate how you assume all I do is think about you. I think I hate that I feel like that assumption is valid, but I feel like I think about you less and less everyday, and that gives me hope.
"I care about you, I'd just like to know how you are doing."
-I don't want to tell you, I don't trust you. I want to take back control of my life.
"But I can't... .I'm not going to keep calling... .it's not that I don't give a ___, I'm just moving on." -I was under the impression you already had, please carry on.
"I don't want you to feel guilty for anything you did... .I don't think you will because I don't think you think you did anything wrong... .but you did." -I thought you just said you don't blame me? If it's any consolation I don't feel guilty. I tried as hard as I could and I gave it everything that I had. I now I realize that I cannot save you. I'm trying to save myself now. I'm sure you'd call that selfish. But I think that it's okay to be selfish this time. Hopefully, you find help one day.
"But, I guess call me sometime... .as a friend... .if you have something nice to say." -
? Thank you, but no thank you.
I don't know seems more like a journal entry material. I figured I'd let my feelings out.
Anyways back to Day 1. Resolve is stalwart. Fingers crossed that she keeps her word about never contacting me again.
