Idealization Phase - how long does it last?

[Pets]

Hi,

I know it's probably a bit of a daft question, because every r/s is so individual as the two people in it, but I'm wondering what other people's experience is of how long the idealization phase lasted in their r/s before things changed?  Is there a pattern at all?

Also, do people know whether the pwBPD actually remembers the things they did and said during their idealization stage?  Sometimes it feels like those things never happened, yet I have e-mails, cards, memories that tell me otherwise.  Do pwBPD completely banish them from their mind?  Otherwise, how can they make sense of what they are doing?

My exbf never devalued me in a horrible way, I was lucky in that sense, I guess, even during and after we broke up, he said that I was a wonderful person and that he may never get the chance to be with someone like me again.  However, he still dismissed all his talk and actions of love & commitment as just the "hopeful stage" of our r/s.

[Blimblam]

For me it lasted about 5 months.

[Suspicious1]

About 4 - 5 months here, followed by a very swift devalue/discard

[freedom33]

I started seeing some problems that I couldn't pinpoint what they were there from the very start. I could sense how unstable she was. I remember sleeping with her the very first few times and being unsure if she wanted me to hug her in the night or not. My gut reaction being around her was fear. I could sense the tremendous instability and ambivalence. I foolishly thought that the issue was with me and I had trust issues and had to open my heart. From month 1 she started making minor scenes. In month 2 there was a scary scene where she went into some sort of shock while we were walking outside. She betrayed me in front of my eyes and the denied and gaslighted me and sent into a shock in month 3. No contact for 1 month after 14 months of the biggest rollercoaster ride of my life. Still calls every other day from unknown numbers but I am not picking up.

[Tiepje3]

It was different throughout the whole r/s because I could not pinpoint it to BPD/NPD due to chaotic circumstances. I started out with a LDR on two different continents (different timezones) and a lot of stuff happened during those two years (divorces from former spouses, cancer scare, losing job, moving three times, his son with a suicide attempt and now being a brain damaged patient).

When he moved here, it was hard because of language, different cultures, getting used to living together, moving another time, more cancer scares, moving out for six months, getting back together again.

But in 2012 we clicked finally and that lasted for two whole blissful years, until last January when work stress and more health scares triggered him into a downwards spiral that led him to seek his supply elsewhere. So it were different stretches of time, the two years being the longest.

But now he's gone NC, we're stuck in a difficult divorce and yes, he seems to have forgotten his vows, his love letters, me being the love of his life... .

[christoff522]

Hi,

I know it's probably a bit of a daft question, because every r/s is so individual as the two people in it, but I'm wondering what other people's experience is of how long the idealization phase lasted in their r/s before things changed?  Is there a pattern at all?

Also, do people know whether the pwBPD actually remembers the things they did and said during their idealization stage?  Sometimes it feels like those things never happened, yet I have e-mails, cards, memories that tell me otherwise.  :)o pwBPD completely banish them from their mind?  Otherwise, how can they make sense of what they are doing?

My exbf never devalued me in a horrible way, I was lucky in that sense, I guess, even during and after we broke up, he said that I was a wonderful person and that he may never get the chance to be with someone like me again.  However, he still dismissed all his talk and actions of love & commitment as just the "hopeful stage" of our r/s.

As long as it takes for something to bring it down. Mine lasted about a month. I think the max I've heard is about a year. But remember that idealization also ends up as dependency, the two are inseperable. Devaluation only really begins when the feelers are being stretched out elsewhere looking for new supply.

[Algae]

I know you don't want to hear this answer... .but it varies.

I've seen people with 4 months... 6 months... and even 4 weeks.  As for me however, mine usually lasts 4 months until she stops idolizing my replacement.  BUT... I think it lasts 2 months, but it just takes her another 2 months to work up the courage to apologize to me, because during the 2 month mark I tend to see her extremely depressed.

Now for Idolizing me, It varies also.  I would say after I took her back a few times, she'd idolize me for about 2-4 weeks.  Almost like another honeymoon stage.  Then it wore off and she would stop her fake laughs... and stopped seductive sexual behavior.

[freedom33]

I would say after I took her back a few times, she'd idolize me for about 2-4 weeks.  Almost like another honeymoon stage.  Then it wore off and she would stop her fake laughs... and stopped seductive sexual behavior.

You must have been dating my gf... .

[Algae]

I would say after I took her back a few times, she'd idolize me for about 2-4 weeks.  Almost like another honeymoon stage.  Then it wore off and she would stop her fake laughs... and stopped seductive sexual behavior.

You must have been dating my gf... .

Well from reading lots of articles on this and educating myself on it , ive read that during the idolization phase they tend to be unusually seductive... almost plastic and obviously fake.  I even asked my ex one time, "Whats with that fake laugh?  that joke I told wasnt even funny?... "  And she goes... "IDK ur just a funny guy xD!"  And this was right after i took her back.  Then she'd send me videos of her grinding her pillow in her underwear and im like... "Whats with you?  You hate everything sexual"

Ive also read that most BPD's hate most sexual acts, almost like they might of been abused when they were younger but idk.  Me and my Ex are just now leaving our teen years and entering our 20's, so it's kind of hard to identify with most people on this board who are older.

[freedom33]

I am in my early thirties and haven't had the rare opportunity to have met a pwBPD until last year. When I told my friends some of the things she was doing they genuinely thought she was a teenager.   She is 37... .Most pwBPD unfortunately always stay in their teen years (and I mean early teen e.g. 16-17 at best). You are lucky in some way to have gone through this at a younger age. It can take a more serious toll in life, health and work/job as one gets older. Also now you are better equiped now to spot a fake and protect yourself.

As for the fake laugh - mine used to do that all the time too. My roomate told me now after we have broken up that when she met her, the one thing that she noticed was the fact my ex was laughing all the time with my roomate's 'jokes'. My roomate said it was strange because she knows she is not very funny. Also another friend of mine met her and told me she was freaky how she kind of mirrored her. It is interesting to note actually how all my male friends kind of liked her when first meeting her and all the females could see behind the mask. I suppose my male friends liked that mirroring she was giving them.

[Bak86]

Around 3/4 months i would say. I was everything for her, even though i noticed her pushing me away in subtle ways(should've been major      for me, but i was in love and naive). After the 3/4 months it was like she hit a light switch. Her emotions went up and down, some days i was the best, some days i annoyed her to bits, while i was behaving the way i always do. Thought she would change. But she didn't. She broke up with me, because she was scared to be intimate with me she said. After a month she became really really nice towards me again. Lasted about a week as i tried to reconcile(didn't know about BPD back then), when i discussed "us", she started to panic and i was painted black again. We work together, so her behavior is pretty noticeable. Some days she's being really really nice to me, some days i just don't seem to exist. The idealization phases seem to last days now. Her behavior is getting weirder and weirder. I don't feel anger now, i just feel bad for her.

[Pets]

Thanks everyone.  It's good to hear other people's experiences.  Fear of true intimacy does seem to be a trigger for things to change.

[mitchell16]

mine was about 4 months too. Prior to the 4 month part I was the greatest, what she had prayed for her whole life etc... The devaulation came after she heard her ex boyfriend the one before me had a girlfriend. The whole 5th month was push/pull, then a break up. She went to be with him, came back to me all sorry and broken heart. We recycled, honeymooned for 3 months, psuh/pull break up for about two weeks, recycled. honeymooned for 2 months she mentioned marraige, we started talking about, two weeks after mentioning it she started the push/pull again.

after teh first year we never could stay together for more then 6 to 8 weeks at the most. The honeymoon/idealization phase got shorter and shorter. in the end lasted about 2 or 3 weeks before a push away started.

[tim_tom]

Also, do people know whether the pwBPD actually remembers the things they did and said during their idealization stage?  Sometimes it feels like those things never happened, yet I have e-mails, cards, memories that tell me otherwise.  Do pwBPD completely banish them from their mind?  Otherwise, how can they make sense of what they are doing?

This is what I don't understand. As a normal emotional human being, it seems like all of that had to mean something. I am still hung up on it, but for her, the day she left, all she had to say was very coldly "things change". She's been cold as ice ever since. The only tear she shed was about how she felt like a bad person cause she did the same thing to her last boyfriend. Of course i reassured her.

My friend who has experience said she just split me black, and thats it. If so, I'd love to be split white again, if only for our time together to be validated. It's killing me

[myself]

I'd love to be split white again, if only for our time together to be validated. It's killing me

For a pwBPD, the perspective is usually Either/Or, but it does change frequently. If and when she does paint you white again, you may or may not even hear about it. Shame, NC, etc. We also paint ourselves black/white, especially coming through these mirroring relationships, so it's important to see ourselves as the 'colors' we really are, not what's been projected. Validating ourselves with our own truths. Making the best of what is.

[tim_tom]

For a pwBPD, the perspective is usually Either/Or, but it does change frequently. If and when she does paint you white again, you may or may not even hear about it. Shame, NC, etc. We also paint ourselves black/white, especially coming through these mirroring relationships, so it's important to see ourselves as the 'colors' we really are, not what's been projected. Validating ourselves with our own truths. Making the best of what is.

It just hurts so much feeling it all meant nothing to her and how cold, uncaring she is now. She's like a different person completely, over night. And it's all based on how she feels about me. She blames me for everything.

I want something to know that it mattered, that it wasn't all lies/distortions. But I'm not going to get that.

[AwakenedOne]

"Idealization Phase - how long does it last?"

I think it varies somewhere between weeks to months.

In my opinion the Idealization Phase is officially over the FIRST time you make them angry or disappoint them in a significant way (in their mind). After that you can write a thousand poems, give a thousand kisses or bring a thousand roses but it will unfortunately never be the same.

[Algae]

"Idealization Phase - how long does it last?"

I think it varies somewhere between weeks to months.

In my opinion the Idealization Phase is officially over the FIRST time you make them angry or disappoint them in a significant way (in their mind). After that you can write a thousand poems, give a thousand kisses or bring a thousand roses but it will unfortunately never be the same.

Thinking about it some more... I think this is the most accurate post on this thread.  Looking back at when ive been idolized, it always goes away after a small argument or something.  And it never comes back unless they leave me and want me back.

[Pets]

For a pwBPD, the perspective is usually Either/Or, but it does change frequently. If and when she does paint you white again, you may or may not even hear about it. Shame, NC, etc.

I think this is one of the hardest things to grasp, is what makes it so painful, that there are no "grey areas" as it were for pwBPD.

After my exbf ended the relationship, he wanted to be friends, so did I.  After all, whilst it was an idealization phase, there was so much that we had shared together during that time; for me, to the depth and extent that I had never shared with anyone.  And we were good friends as well as lovers - enjoyed each other's company.

Whilst I was prepared to somehow deal with the hurt and loss and at least maintain the friendship part of what we had shared, because it was precious to me, my ex I think found it really too hard, he would swing from being very close one week to cutting me off and being cold the next.

Knowing that it is an either/or perspective for him makes sense of that a little more.  Though it doesn't take away the pain and the longing for the friendship.  We are NC at the moment; I often find myself wondering how he sees me now.  But even if I did know, it would be pointless, as it's not something that can ever be relied on as consistent, like the love I still feel for him.

I'll have to get to the point where I can accept him with all these fluctuations and be emotionally detached enough so it doesn't hurt any more.  Maybe then I can be a friend.  But how do you have a friendship with someone when you never know from one day to the next whether there will be anything reciprocal?  Gotta work that one out yet.

[Pets]

In my opinion the Idealization Phase is officially over the FIRST time you make them angry or disappoint them in a significant way (in their mind). After that you can write a thousand poems, give a thousand kisses or bring a thousand roses but it will unfortunately never be the same.

Yeah, I think that's very true.  I remember mine stopped when I chose to spend a night at my own place after several days at his.  Just needed an evening on my own to study, do washing etc.  We were 2 months into the relationship and spending almost all of our time together when we weren't at work.  I would occasionally go out and do other stuff, but he would always drop me off, pick me up after, drive for miles just to steal some time with me.

He never said that me choosing to have my own space was what had set things off, but I felt it change like someone had flicked a switch; he withdrew from me from then on.  And of course I did the thousand kisses, the being there, doing nice things for him, but it never went back to how it was.  His abandonment fears then alternated with engulfment fears I think.