Need Advice for Setting Boundaries with Possible BPD Sister

[Change2014]

Hi Everyone... .I come here so exhausted and searching for answers/advice in relation to my sister who I suspect has BPD.  She lives out-of-state and visits for a lengthy amount of time with her family usually over a week.  I have been up to visit her as well several times.  All of these visits for the past 5 years have resulted in MAJOR drama and have left me feeling depressed and hopeless.  Sometimes I don't even know there is anything wrong until after she has left and then I am given a list of grievances from her that I did this or that wrong.  Sometimes it includes my husband as well.  

Well, now she is in town.  She always stays with my parents.  The visit was going smoothly, I thought.  I was doing everything I could to spend quality time every day with her and her family. I was tense most of the time and walking on eggshells.  Then one day I meet her at the beach.  It was a terrible day to be at the beach (windy, super hot, dangerous waters, etc).  She just complained and complained.  I suggested alternatives.  They were all shot down and she was hell bent on being at the beach.  I felt uneasy, was worried about my baby in the heat, felt stress rising, and just got sick of the complaints.  I suggested I leave and she didn't want me to, so I stayed.  Big mistake.  Then she asked me if I would watch her baby son with my mom while she went to an amusement park with the other two kids and her husband in a few days.  She had already asked me this same question previously and I had said yes.  I said yes again.  She shook her head and sighed or smirked.  I said, "What?"  Another big mistake.  She then said it didn't seem like I "wanted" to watch her son, that she couldn't believe I previously suggested that I watch him at my house instead of my parent's house, that I didn't show interest in her other two children, that I never came over to my parent's house where they are staying, that I am selfish, that I was late to the park the prior day, and that I should go ask her husband, etc.  She then tried to involve her husband.  I promptly picked up my stuff, said I don't want to fight after trying to engage in a rationale discussion, and left.  She followed me, told me the kids want to know where I am going and are confused.  I said I don't want to fight in front of them.  She said they didn't hear the conversation, and I said well I don't want to fight in front of my son either.  Then she told me to go F---- myself as I walked away.  Not once did I call her names.  I felt like I was in crazy world with her complaints because every day I have done something with her and her family while they have been in town... .gone to the pool, hosted them over at my house for BBQ's twice, met them at parks, etc.  One day I was "late" to a park because she never responded to me when I suggested a time and I was supposed to read her mind.  Mind you, I still came to the park.  It is always something, always.  

This happened two days before her youngest's baptism and my husband is the godfather.  No phone call from her apologizing.  Nothing.  I see her at the christening and my husband and I do our best to be good participants.  She acts like nothing happened to some extent, which is even more insulting.  I feel tremendous guilt not reaching out to see what they are up to and spending time with them before they leave for home.  However, every time things just get swept under the rug and the cycle repeats.  I have been nothing but nice to her and her family.  I feel like this time I need to finally hold my ground and wait for an apology before interacting with her as normal.  

Meanwhile, I explained matter-of-factly to my mom why I was not around lately and she said that I must have done something to deserve my sister saying to go f---- myself.  BTW, I am pretty sure my mom has BPD.  

Anyway, I am so anxious about all of this, and have felt miserable, depressed, and lonely.  I keep asking my husband, what do I do... . And I can't keep just talking to him about this as this is all new for him as well.  

Do I stand my ground?  :)o I wait for an apology or ask that what happened be addressed before I continue to interact as normal?  Thanks for listening.

[Kwamina]

Hi Change2014,

If you want this cycle to end, you indeed probably have to change your own behavior. This likely will mean standing your ground and stating that this issue needs to be properly addressed before any normalization of relations can occur. From your post I gather that your sister's visits always cause a lot of stress for you and if she really has BPD, it's unlikely that she'll change by herself. Do you feel like your sister in any way acknowledges there might be something wrong with her? Your mother who you suspect has BPD too, only complicates things even further by blaming you for your sister's behavior.

There are some resources here that can help you set boundaries with your suspected BPD relatives:

BOUNDARIES: Upholding our values and independence

BOUNDARIES: Examples of boundaries

For how long have you suspected there was something wrong with your sister and mother? Did your sister always behave in a manner you would describe as problematic?

[jdtm]

Do I stand my ground?  Do I wait for an apology or ask that what happened be addressed before I continue to interact as normal? 

Hmm ... .your sister's visits cause problems.  It sounds to me as if they are far, far too long.  What's wrong with meeting her and her children at a park for a picnic?  Or at your home for a barbeque?  And that would be IT.  Just interact once per visit.  After all, you have your own family and she has hers.  Once you marry, your parents and siblings become "extended family" and the interactions should be less (this is not my idea - it's from the Bible).  If I might be so bold, I would spend more time with my husband and children rather than your "birth family" (even if you don't get to see your sister that often - from your posting it appears as if you spend too much time with her).  If I might be so bold, perhaps it is time to follow your agenda and not hers.  And, babysitting her baby is an imposition - whether she agrees or not.  Frankly, I would rather they think I am selfish, cruel, thoughtless, whatever; rather than interact with them trying to prove the opposite.  You're not going to win - sometimes, we have to let things go and just move on.  And, I wouldn't announce this either.  It is what it is - not what it should be.  So sorry - but sometimes, life is better when "family" are not a major part of one's life (and here I speak from experience).  Often we forget to "put oneself first" - the airlines have it correct - put on your own oxygen first before assisting person beside you.  The resources listed were wise - please read them.

[Ziggiddy]

Hi Change

it is never easy dealing with a family member with these kind of traits and I totally get your frustration. I also found it interesting that you noticed when you were feeling guilty. i always find it ironic that you can do as much as you can - try and be the best you can and keep the peace and be reliable and yet end up feeling guilty that it was not enough.

I truly believe pwBPD are masters at manipulating  any kind of weakness or vulnerability by using guilt. As far as interacting with your sister, it seems as though you are already placing boundaries and sticking to them. That is very commendable although bound to cause you some discomfort at first as you are probably quite used to 'fitting in' and being the one to flex. BPD seems to casually brush away self assertion doesn't it? And then YOU are the on left feeling bad for sticking up for yourself! Not fair!

I wonderr if you have read any of the articles about navigating FOG? And about shoring up your own belief in yourself? You are a worthwhile person and are entitled to do what you want without being made to feel bad that it wasn't enough for someone else.

I'll put a link in here.

I really hope you get to understanding that you ARE enough. You DO enough. And you should get to have some of that emotional energy flowing back to yourself. Best wishes

Ziggiddy

PS here's the link:

https://bpdfamily.com/content/emotional-blackmail-fear-obligation-and-guilt-fog

[Change2014]

Thank you so much everyone for your responses.  I ended up keeping my distance from my sister and not returning to life as normal.  I did call her the day that she was scheduled to leave to tell her that I was sorry about how things ended, that I hoped she had a good trip home, and that I loved her.  I didn't think I was apologizing for my behavior, but more expressing sorrow for how things ended.  I didn't really plan it, it just came to me in the moment, and was pretty cathartic.  I had a good cry afterwards.  It was kind of a release.  She said she was sorry how things ended as well and told me that she'd let me know when she got home.  That was it.  Now, I am keeping my distance and trying to move on. 

Kwamina:  Yes, I totally get you.  I need to change my own behavior.  My sister does not acknowledge that something is wrong with her.  She will acknowledge that she is stressed a lot of the time and attributes it to all her responsibilities.  She refuses to seek help or always has an excuse.  My sister has behaved in a manner that is problematic for at least the past 10 years.  I think it really intensified in relation to me when I go out of grad school and the more independent and separate I became from the family unit.  My mom has always had problematic behavior.  Things escalated between the two of us the more independent and separate I became, especially when I had my own opinions, made my own decisions, etc.  I didn't think of borderline personality until a therapist mentioned it to me in the last couple of years with respect to my mom.  FYI, I am not a perfect person here... .I have a history of anxiety and depression.  Unlike my sister and mom, I don't lash out when I am depressed/anxious/stressed... .I internalize.  They tend to get angry when they are not happy... .I just get more depressed.  Thankfully, I am in a good place in my life and I am very proactive about managing my mental health.  Thank you for the links... .I will definitely check them out.  I have been reading the resources on this site and have learned that I need to focus on radical acceptance and not engaging in JADE... .that is my Achilles heel.

JDTM:  I agree... .I spend way too much time with her and probably my family of origin in general.  It is part of trying to make people happy (impossible) and I think sometimes I get caught up in the myth of having Hallmark family moments.  LOL.  I do need to move on. 

Ziggidy:  Thank you so much for your kind words.  It is so easy for me to allow the guilt to overwhelm and end up feeling like maybe I am going crazy and think that the BPD person has a point.  I have to stop second guessing myself.  I will check out the link that you posted.  Thank you!

 

[Change2014]

I thought I would give you a little update on what happened with my sister.  I ended up seeing her one more time at a family dinner before she and her family left.  We spoke very little.  Other than that, we had no real contact.  I did telephone her the day of her flight to express that I was sorry that things ended the way they did and that I loved her and to say bye to the rest of her family for me.  A few days later I received some text messages from her telling me that she was uncomfortable with our conflict affecting her children and husband and that they shouldn't be involved.  She basically implied that I involved them by not seeing them to say goodbye, etc.  I agreed with her that her husband and children should not be involved and that was it.  I didn't explain that she is the one who involved them (telling me her husband felt the same way as her, arguing in front of her kids, telling her husband about our conflict right in front of me) and I didn't explain that treating me like crap means that her husband and kids will see less of me because that it is just the practical outcome.  I am learning not to engage in JADE.  So, I just left it at that.  I have not spoken with her at all except for when she called to wish my son a happy birthday.  I guess you could say that I am using medium chill.  I am not going NC, but limiting contact.  My uBPD mom told her not to visit and instead people will go visit her because there is always drama when she visits.  I guess you could say I am relieved that my mom expressed that.  I have decided that I am done with my sister's visits and something will have to substantially change before I visit her again anytime soon.  Thank you for your support and listening to me.  I really have found this forum helpful and I feel like I have made progress in a short time as a result.