How do I heal the wounded/abandoned child?

[honeysuckle]

Im really having a hard time wrapping my head around this concept. I read all this information about healing and grieving the abandoned child so that I can become whole again. Ok! I am ready! I am moving on and I am doing well but I still cry a lot. I have gone over my childhood years before in my life and expressed my feelings and opinions to how I was basically abandoned with both of my parents and thought I had put it to rest. After this BPD relationship I see there must be more. Something I missed. I was beaten down so badly through this relationship. Can anyone help me or guide me to how I am supposed fix this part of myself? Anyone working on this or feel they have accomplished this?

[Tolou]

Hi,

What I gather from trying to help someone I know with an abandoned child, is to talk to them.  Talk to them as you would (to you) as you would have wanted someone to you at that time.  Help that child within you find healing by validating that they were abandoned, have a conversation with them.  Ask them what scares them most and what hurts them most and help that child see that it was not something they had any control over.  Provide that child with comfort that it didn't have as you would any child now, or your own if you saw them suffering, cry with them, most of all bring them out of the tunnel they're trapped in, show them there is a way out (if that makes sense).  Every time that hurt child inside you comes out, don't ignore them, ackowledge them, and why they are coming out in that moment, in that situation, what has that child inside you waking up?  Whether you with family friends or a lover, when you feel those emotions being stirred up, take the time, even if you need to step away, talk to them (the child) and see why their present in those situations.  Most children lack the ability to be rational, but you don't, help yourself see it?

Hope this makes some sense and is helpful, don't ignore what child inside you is trying to tell you, everytime they arise, there is a reason, sit with them and see why their there.

[Blimblam]

Feel the the somatic sensations of anxiety in your heart.  Let your heart process it. Be patient.  Just feel what's there it will feel uncomfortable. The process goes like this struggle-surrender-acceptance- repeat.  Layer by layer.

[Ihope2]

I am finding that working through the 12 Steps from CODA for Adult Children of Alcoholics,  is very helpful to me.

My parents weren't alcoholic, but there was a lot of emotional neglect in my FOO, due to I think personality disorders or very rigid thinking and blunted feelings with my parents. My parents divorced very acrimoniously when I was 7 years, and my mother remarried very quickly to a man I now believe was suffering from Narcissistic Personality Disorder.

My biological father passed away some 18 years ago when I was in my late twenties.  My mother is now 70 and she married yet another seemingly Personality Disordered man in the same mould as the stepfather with NPD (he divorced her 20 years ago). So my mother is very much on the scene and her marriage to this latest bombastic, mean-spirited and negative man has been a great source of upheavel for me.  I have been utterly enmeshed with my mother for the longest time and with my unravelling and untangling myself from my short-lived marriage to a man with BPD, I have been faced with unravelling all my FOO issues (especially with my mother).

So, what I am trying to say, is that a formal programme like the 12 Steps, is very helpful to structure your recovery process.

And also reading literature on the subject of childhood abandonement, emotional neglect by parents, trauma bonding, codependency, etc. is also very enlightening and gives much food for thought.

Charles L. Whitfield also published some books on the subject of healing the inner child.  He said it can take up to five years for the recovery process.

It cannot be forced, we just have to go into the process willingly, and open ourselves up to our truth.  A lot of the time, we have been in denial about our childhood issues and have been ignorant to them, and have tried to convince ourselves that things weren't really that bad.  That is what we learned to do as children to cope.  As adults, we can acknowledge fully the pain we carry around with us from childhood, and we can re-parent that hurt and abandoned child within us.

[Pingo]

Hi Honeysuckle,  I am finding the books of John Bradshaw helpful in contacting that inner child and the toxic shame from my FOO.  The one I am just finishing, 'Healing the Shame that Binds You' is really good and I'm just about to start another one of his, 'Homecoming'.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=107301.0

One thing my T recommends is find a picture of yourself as a young child and frame it and put it on your bed side table.  It has been helpful to me in accessing some hidden emotions while I read and work through these books and also my journaling.

[Waddams]

Susan Anderson's books helped me.  Journey from Abandonment to Healing is one.

www.abandonment.net and www.outerchild.net - it has the cliff notes.

[Ihope2]

I like very much the idea of keeping  a photo of oneself as a young child.  I have one or two pics of me circa age 5 or 6.  What a shy and scared but sweet little girl.  Big, bewildered eyes looking out onto the world.  Such a good little kid lurking behind a hesitant, tentative demeanour.  She was just looking for warmth, encouragement and acceptance and the reward would have been such a happy, smiling and joyful little kid.

Instead she became a mistrusting, scared and painfully shy, introverted girl.  So awkward and scared.  That kid will get all she needs to break out of her isolation and loneliness now.  I love her and accept her for all that she is. 

[Blimblam]

Also  remembering who you BPD ex reminds you of in your family. Now this may sound like a logical thought process type thing but that's not what I mean. Member 2010 alludes to this often. It's in the eyes. When it happens it will trigger archIac archytipical images in your memory. It is a breakthrough moment crying and an experience of eternity. I would describe the experience as death and rebirth. The thing is don't seek this.

Staying with the pain will lead you to the inner child. It is very difficult thing to do. Just accepting the moment.  Becoming concious of what is held in the body the pain that the inner child is burried under. No seeking of anything. Just experiencing what's there the pain.  The inner child is bonded to the pain within like shackles in a prison.

[OutOfEgypt]

Hi,

Find a good T to help you.  In my opinion, these things cannot really be fully worked through alone.  We need another -a connection with another, a HEALTHY attachment -to work them out together with.  It is not merely a matter of returning to our past but also learning to feel again and to no longer punish ourselves with these destructive tendencies.  Why do I say this?  Because one of our problems is that we are so stinking self-reliant and yet we avoid true connection.  After all, we kind being attracted to people who we know, deep down, will never really be able to offer it to us.  But we will settle for just being their rescuer.