Mother undiagnosed with BPD

[Sasha5542]

I'm 42 now and my mother passed away 19 years ago. I stopped at this site out of curiosity for BPD because I think this is the mental illness my mother had.  My entire youth was a roller coaster ride.  My mother had rocky emotional relationships with a few men, including one she married. Her marriage was to an alcoholic and there was a lot of violence. She had an uncontrollable rage which really came out in her husband's alcoholic episodes. There were times I remember police walking in my bedroom and turning on the light because they were fighting. I remember running down the street in my pajamas with my mother and she had no shoes on because she was trying to get away from a fight. She was bleeding and I remember riding in the ambulance to the hospital when I was a very small child. I remember coming out of my room in the middle of the night to shouts of fighting and finding my mother and step-father fighting with knives and trying to cut each other. I would have to say its the uncontrollable rages I remember about her most and her paranoia and victimization.

Her rages were all-consuming and very frightening. She could kill someone in one of her rages. I witnessed her pounding a woman's face in the dirt breaking her nose. She would throw things and yell and when her rage was over it was as if nothing had happened. She often felt that everyone was out to get her and she was very paranoid that people were talking about her and that they thought she was crazy. She either loved you or hated you. There was no in between. You were either good or evil, sometimes in a matter of minutes.

She had swings of depression and loneliness, and sometimes was suicidal. She lived in such a warped sense of reality that it was easy to get sucked in because she really believed what she was saying. It left me wondering on many occasions what the heck she was thinking.

She wasn't able to hold a regular job more than a day or two. Needless to say young life was very difficult for my sister and I. I never really felt like my mother loved me. She only told me that she loved me once and hugged me once, my entire youth! I looked at her so strange it was an awkward moment. The biggest price I had to pay was that there were no boundaries and there was no ME. I had no privacy, she read my diary, went through my things and took what she wanted, stole my money, she told me she "owned" me, and watched me during private moments like taking a bath or going to the bathroom.

I wasn't allowed to be me, to raise my voice, express my opinion, or challenge her in any way. I was only allowed to be there for her, taking care of her emotional needs and responsibilities. "Me" was not allowed to come out. There were plenty of threats in there that she said I had better do well in school "or else", or that I knew better not to do something or I would have to deal with her consequences.

There were no boundaries, I was her property. I wasn't allowed to like or dislike anything. I had to be the same as her. She was the biggest drain on my existence. When I was 17 she was trying to degrade and control me and I walked out of the house and left home for a few hours. She found me (walking a mile from home) and she was in a violent rage. I thought she was going to physically abuse me but what she did was worse, she kicked me out of the house, called me two hours later and told me that she had packed up all my belongings and was taking them to the dump unless I picked them up immediately, and told all of my family (including my sister) that they were never to speak to me again. She also told me that she was never going to have anything to do with me.

At this point, I decided to end my relationship with her and that started the gradual degredation of my relationships with my extended family. She had stripped everything from me. It was one of the most courageous times in my life, to be 17, homeless, no money, and have essentially no family. After our falling out, she blamed me and tried to guilt me. She wanted me to see how much I hurt and betrayed her for "leaving" and to feel guilty about her pain and suffering. When that didn't work, she threatened me, yelled at me and tried to force me back. She tried to make me fearful by threatening my friends and anyone willing to help me. She wanted me to come crawling back so that I would forever be at her mercy.

Little did she know, I would have rather slept on the street and starved than gone back to that situation. Needless to say, I never returned and we never had a relationship after that. She tried a few times, but I knew that my existence did not include her. She was toxic and I couldn't live my life with her in it. Several years later she got cancer and actually asked me to come take care of her. Like that was going to happen! I knew I would never put myself in the position that she would have control over me again. I wouldn't have survived. So she got a home health aide to help her while she was sick and was eventually overcome by the disease and passed away.

I did see her briefly before she passed away, but we didn't exchange words. We just sat next to each other in silence. It was difficult for me to even do that at the time. Her passing helped me overcome the last of her control. So I have put this all behind me. I have had some therapy to understand my past and I have moved on, but every once in a while I am curious about what made her act the way she did and that is what led me to this board. My quest for understanding... .

This is an old post... .but I wanted to share it on this board.

[Clearmind]

Sasha5542, what you describe could have been written by other members here with a BPD parent.

The more we understand BPD the more we can reconcile why they do the things they do. For the most part, what is the hardest part of all this is relinquishing responsibility for what was done to us - begin to accept that they do what they do because they are mentally ill.

What parts do you struggle with these days Sasha? Are you in a relationship? Have kids?

You mentioned you have been in therapy - have you sorted out how a BPD parent can impact us as adults.

[Sasha5542]

Thanks, Clearmind, for the response. I no longer have a struggle with the way my mother was when I was a child. I feel sadness about my childhood (which I was never able to do), but it is no longer a deep hurtful wound. I am married now and have two children. My biggest struggle now that I am a parent, is being able to set good boundaries and manage discipline, when I did not have a healthy parent/child relationship in my own life to go by. I have done a lot of work around this. I also never let my past hold me back. I went to college and tried to pick up the pieces of my life after all the craziness of growing up. I just earned my Master's Degree a few years ago and I love what I do. Life has been good for me. 

[jmanvo2015]

Sasha5542,

I'm so sorry to hear all of these childhood experiences.  Yes, my BPD mother was similar in many ways - especially with the rages.  Fortunately, or unfortunately if you were me, she remarried an NPD when I was 10 and he managed to keep her stable.  However, the two of them have spent 35 years ganging up on me and destroying my self-esteem and relationships with family and friends. 

The one thing in your story that resonates with me is how lucky you are that you had the courage and the wherewhithal to leave when you did.  I never had that courage and you can see a post I wrote about an incident that happened in their home last night that is causing me so much emotional pain and turmoil.  I have waited way too long to go No Contact (NC).  But, I've decided after last night that I will go NC at least until my stepfather passes away. The combination of the two of them is just too destructive and painful for me.

I am really glad you shared your story.  There's healing in being able to share all of that pain.  I don't have advice, but you are definitely not alone.  My mother's rages were also epic and terrorized my childhood. My family, like yours, also believed her manipulations and lies and took her side. 

I am sending you a virtual hug 

[Sasha5542]

Jmanvo2015, thanks for your response. I think that people that have to deal with a BPD person on an ongoing basis have to have so much strength and courage. Sometimes I think that my mother's passing was in some way a blessing to me, but then I also think about the loss of my parent and how much that has impacted me throughout my life (actually both of my parents--my mother died when I was 23 and my father died before I was born). It is a no-win situation. I am very sorry that your mother and step-father have affected your self-esteem and relationships in a negative way. I used to tell myself when I lived with my mother, that she could never take away the person that I was, what I thought or how I felt. She tried to control me but she didn't own me, and she wasn't me. She could strip me of everything in this world, but I still had myself.

Making the decision to go NC is huge, and I can understand why you want to. I really do believe that each person deals with the pain and hurt in their own way, on their own time. I hope for you, that you find healing and know that whatever happens with your mother and step-father, you can get through it. I am wishing you peace in your life, and I know that you have a lot of strength and courage, to have been able to live with BPD and NPD family members in your life. I am sending you a virtual hug as well. 

[Harri]

Hi Sasha.  What a horrible story.  I am amazed that you were able to walk away at such a young age and able to still create a good life for yourself after experiencing all that and then being kicked out by your mother.  You sound like you were very spirited and feisty and I admire that! 

My mother raged, but never with weapons and it was frequently turned inward with her thankfully.  I am grateful both my parents are dead but I find it difficult to work on some things.  They have become so hazy though I imagine my dissociation during my teen years especially does not help.

I am glad you came back to the boards!

[Sasha5542]

Hi Harri, thanks so much for your response. Walking away was definitely one of the hardest experiences of my life. I think that I have done a lot of soul searching as a result of my past. I find that it is hard to deal with some issues when your parents are no longer alive. In my case, a lot of time has gone by (19 years) since my mother died and sometimes I think, was it as bad as I remember it to be (the halo effect?)? Early on, I decided to keep all the awful letters and notes that my mother wrote to me, and I am thankful that I did. Those letters help me to remember how she was and remind me that it was not a good time in my life and I had terrible experiences. My therapist once asked me why I keep them, and I said that they have been an important part of my healing process. They have helped me to keep the past in perspective and help me to recognize how far I have come.

Thanks for sharing your experience. The issues will be worked out when the time is right. I hope you have found peace.

[jmanvo2015]

Sasha, tonight I went to my first meeting with a group called Adult Children of Alcoholics, but it also applies to children of "dysfunction."  It was an amazing group and at least half the folks there nodded their heads in agreement when I started to explain that I think my mother has undiagnosed BPD.  You might like it too