Please Help... Still hurting one year after a 2 yr borderline relationship

[amkf27]

I met my ex BPD girlfriend in October 2012. We were in a lesbian relationship for a total of 2.5 years. I met her just weeks after a break up with her ex of 5 years. At first I wasn’t really interested and then somehow she pulled me in. One month later she was living with me. After about a month she told me that she loved me. Things were good for the first couple months although she would say things like why would you want to be with someone like me?

After a couple months she told me about this debt she had from when she was 18 years old (now 25) and it was past collections etc. I agreed to pay it for her and she would pay me back. Seven months later (In May) I decided to purchase a house because I thought I have “met the one.” We bought a dog together and everything. Then when we were in the new house the anger and fighting started and all I can remember was crying all of the time. She drank a lot and then the next day would be a grumpy, mean, angry person. I was so deeply in love that I put up with it.

She comes from a broken family. Her mom is a lesbian too and always talked about how her and her partner used to beat each other up and drink excessively. Her mother was abusive towards her and also abandoned her when she was younger so she had to live with friends while she was in high school.

The summer is coming to an end and out of the blue at the beginning of September she breaks up with me. I was devastated and couldn’t understand how one day she loved me more than anything and the next day was breaking up with me. Well, that lasted a week. She came back to me as she realized she made a big mistake. In the meantime, I have rented out my house to someone and she has found an apartment. So I made the decision to move in with her at the apartment.

It was great for the first little while. Then the fighting and the anger came back. She ended up getting another dog as well. She was so miserable and hated the apartment so I decided to sell my other house and buy a nicer house for us. I thought that would make us happy. So we lasted in the apartment until May of 2013. We moved into the new house once again.

Things were rocky but the anger and fighting continued. I was crying all the time. I couldn’t figure out why she was like this. I am the kindest most understanding and easy to get along with person but yet the person I loved treated me like I was a stranger. It was either really good or really bad. Our entire relationship was an emotional roller coaster and I was emotionally drained all the time. Anyways, we had a pretty great summer and did some great things but September was coming. So out of the blue she broke up with me again. This time for good….

A couple weeks after breaking up she was already in another relationship. She was moving in with the girl after a month once again. Then she realized she was making a mistake and came back to me once again. She said she went to counseling once and she told her she sounds like a people pleaser and people like her ruin things with the people they love. So, because of the mental state I was in I allowed her back. We spent Christmas together and it just wasn’t the same, she changed a lot. She used me to go away for a weekend and pay for her Christmas presents. She has makes double the money that I make. But, since I am a nice person and very stupid I allowed it. She would tell me she loved me then I would find her on dating sites. So I said that is enough and eventually things ended.

I had no choice but to go to counseling. I was in such a bad place. Everything I went though I was devastated and couldn’t figure out why I deserved to be treated like this. The counselor told me it sounds like she is a borderline. So I googled the ___ out of it and sure enough it all made sense now. I was confident she was 100% borderline. She dated another girl since this May and I heard she just broke up with her a couple weeks ago, no surprise.

One year later I am still hurting. I still have moments where I think it is my fault. I haven’t been able to date since because anyone I went on dates with I had no interest. It wasn’t near the same and I still think about her everyday and I want it to stop so bad. She has left me with two dogs and a lot of her debt and refuses to pay back. Everyone has told me not to worry about it and be happy that I am not with her anymore.

But, when is the hurt going to go away? I have been doing a lot for myself, but is there anything else I can do to help myself? I am definitely a lot happier but why am I still hurting so bad? Will I be able to be in another relationship soon?

[Nomad1027]

Amkf27, I feel your pain. I have not been out of my relationship nearly as long as you, but I know what that incessant longing feels like. I know what it is like to feel like other people just don't really compare them.

I wish I could help or had some sage wisdom for you. Unfortunately all I can do is share what I am doing to help myself.

1. I have joined Codependent Anonymous to learn about myself and the traits and behaviors in me that have kept me stuck and hurting. By resolving my past injuries, coming to love and understand myself, I am seeking a new way of living. I hope to heal myself over time so I can have healthier relationships in the future.

2. I've gone back to therapy, specifically to focus on my codependency.

3. I've gone no contact (not even visiting her social media pages). It hurts to much and keeps me stuck in the "what if's" and the "if only I had's". This has been key for me.

4. I have begun to think of her as someone who died. In a way it is true. The woman I knew and loved no longer exists. The persona she adopted when she was with me died the day she left. From what I've seen, she is someone very different to day with my replacement.

5. I made a pilgrimage of sorts to all the special places where we went together.  There, I have sat down and had a conversation with her ghost, telling her I miss her, love her, and will still treasure the beautiful times we had.  It is like visiting a grave site of sorts.

6. I got rid of the pictures and mementos that meant so much. It was hard, but neither of us need them anymore.

7. I have tried to look at the small blessing this was. First, I did not marry her, which could have only ended in disaster. Second, the deep pain forced me to focus on healing myself and getting rid of the baggage of the past. Third, I now know what positive traits I loved in her and I will look for those traits in a future partner.

8 Instead of focusing on the negative parts of her, I am now trying compassion. She will likely never be better. Her life is full of, past trauma and present torment. She did not set out to devastate me. The destruction is the result of her disorder, not the persona I fell in love with. I practice compassion for myself too, and focus more on getting healthier (CoDA meetings and therapy) and I am beginning to explore those interest I always had but never pursued (guitar lessons, writing, and a bit of photography)

You will find what works for you as well. If you try anything I did and it works for you I will be happy for you. We all deserve a new start.

[yaryu]

There is a lot of support here.  Each and everyday is about building tolerance so the hurt is no longer that profound force that takes over your life.  I know it's not easy.  I can relate with your suffering. 

I recently broke it off with my SO after a 3.5 year lesbian relationship.  I can relate with the push-pull, off and on, roller coaster ride of emotions for a long time.  I do believe when things are good between us, it's flipping fantastic, life is wonderful, then it jumps to extremely bad and stressful.  Like turning on a light switch.  As a result, I've grown tired and apathetic with my life and everything around me.  It's difficult for me to be completely functional and I no longer smile or feel much emotion.

We would break up and reconcile nearly every month.  This year the disagreements were more frequent.  Yet, she would declare her love for me each time and I would give in to be with her.  I believe to be codependent as I can't fully detach from her.  She on the other hand, switches from telling me she loves me, then later tell me she regrets ever meeting me, and describes finding a good partner (a man), which devastates me to the core.  She is currently looking for a replacement.

I told her recently to never contact me again.  So she may be gone for good.  I feel defeated and depressed. 

My best friend told me to put myself out there, at least to meet new people so I don't succumb to the loneliness.  It's not easy because I don't have much desire to do that at the moment.

I'm just missing the image of my partner that I perceived, that I created from the beginning, In reality, she is not that same person.  That person doesn't exist anymore.  So I have to remind myself that everyday.  I honestly will have to go back to therapy because I feel mentally and emotionally drained.  It will take some time to build back to a level normalcy.  To me, it's almost like getting off an addictive drug that messed with your body over time.

The hurt, well, just the nature of my personality and difficulties letting go, I have to somehow stop making her the focal point in my life and focus on myself.  My therapy sessions have just been talk therapy about her. My therapist wants me to start working on myself.

I wish you all the best.  I wish there was some button to press to make the hurt go away.  These forums help because we all understand each other on that level.  So it's a resource towards a better you.

[Infern0]

So sorry to hear that you went through all of that,  you are a good person and absolutely did not deserve that. All of us have been through so much crap it's unreal.  You are not alone on this and we will all help however we can.

There is a guy on youtube his channel is spartanlifecoach and I find his work helps me a lot.

It's not about "getting back to normal" because normal is what puts us in this position. I try to look at this as an opportunity for huge positive changes,  I'm learning about myself and about people. 

You will get better,  in the meantime try to channel your energy into positive things.