Annnddd... she's back

[MrFox]

I am nearly 14 months out of my relationship with my exBPDgf.  The "anniversary" of our split was at the end of August.  I was pleasantly surprised that it came and went without a peep from her, particularly because it coincided with her somehow attempting to get my attention roughly every three months.  I figured she had finally understood that I want zero contact with her.  I should also note she was married 3.5 months after we split.  The entire time she has been attempting to contact me she has been married.

So, I figured it was over.  I breathed a sigh of relief.  Wished her well in my heart and began to truly look forward to a life without having to wonder if she will show up at a place she knows I go or call me from a restrictive number at four in the morning, while her husband is sleeping in another room.  I should have remembered that pwBPD can hold on to things for years, decades.

A few days ago I was contacted by a company that I frequently do work for to discuss a project with a local eye care clinic.  The eye care clinic that I used to use.  The eye care clinic I was informed by a friend my ex got a job at.  The eye care clinic I no longer go to.  The money is good, very good, and I have always prided myself on my ability to separate.  Plus, the fact that I should not have to have any actual contact with anyone from the clinic. I took the job.

Curiosity (that damn cat-killer) got the best of me and checked their FB page.  She is still employed there as a receptionist.  I figured in for a penny in for a pound and checked her personal FB page, something I have not done since Nov. or Dec. of last year.  What I saw there was, for lack of a better word, disturbing.  Her profile is set to private but there is a multitude of posts that are public, something that she never did while we were together.  All of the public posts seem (I emphasize "seem" to be directed at me.  To the casual observer they would seem innocent enough, but they appear to be covert attempts to either hurt me or remind me of things from our relationship.  The same with the pictures she posts.  One of them is a picture she took of herself and I in bed after making love, with me cropped out of the photo so that it is just her face.  The description was "I never felt more beautiful than the moment I took this picture".

The last two posts are the most concerning to me.  She posted on the "anniversary" of our split a long diatribe about how she no longer feels beautiful, how she no longer feels like a woman, how she hates her life, and how she is still dealing with "what he did to me".  The "me" she refers to is me.  She used words like soul-mate, and lost love, etc.  I can't imagine how her husband feelings reading this.

Along with it she posted a recent picture of herself.  She has shaved her head, she looks gaunt and pale, she speaks of drinking too much and it shows on her face.  She looks like someone who has gone on a long bender.

A post from a week or so ago she writes about how awesome it is that the clinic is trusting her with overseeing the new project and how she gets total control over it.

I want to say it's all a coincidence.  I didn't do work for this company when we were together but then I remember that my webpage lists them as someone I frequently work for since I have been doing steady work through them for nearly 11 months.  There are several other companies in this town that do what this company does.  She could have chosen any of them if she is truly in charge of the project.

I write this mainly because I need to just get it out of me.  My friends and family are tired of hearing about her, and I can understand that.  Other then that, any advice would be wonderful to hear.  I have considered backing out of the job.  The money would be nice but I can survive without it.  I really do enjoy working with this particular company but I don't think it would damage our relationship if I were to tell them that I am too busy to take the job. 

On the other hand, I rarely have contact with the clients so it is unlikely I would have to talk/meet/deal with her.  The money would be a nice thing to have as I continue to move on with my life.  Finally, I have done my best this past year to not allow her to see my reaction to anything she has done.  Would she see my walking away from the project as her having an effect on me?

Or, I'm over-reacting and it's all a stupid coincidence?

Thoughts?  Comments?  Slaps upside the head  ?

[Aussie JJ]

Dude,

Some observations,

A, I'm sorry to say your not detached. 

B, Leave friends and family out of this.  (GOOD MOVE!)

C, Who cares about her facebook.  Leave it be. 

D, Money is always good, so is mental health.  Trade off time. 

For me, healthiest thing I ever did was face up to my ex.  Sounds hard.  Face up to her, go take the job, put more effort into it than any other job you have in your life.  Go there, be fantastic at what you do, take the money, wish her all the best.  Tell her your really proud of her and she is doing a great job. 

This to me is more a measure of how your mental health is going.  Forget the money.  If there is a risk that she will ruin the project and give you a bad name then forget it.  However use that strength you now have, go be great at what you do.  Don't let her dictate what you will and wont do for a living. 

Walk away, either decision you make make it for yourself. 

The question should be based upon you knowing her. 

CAN I DO THIS JOB AND STILL MAINTAIN MY PROFESIONALISM. 

CAN I DO THIS JOB AND STILL WALK AWAY FROM HER. 

If the answer is no to either of them, walking away for your ow mental health and your professional reputation is a healthy choice. 


AJJ. 

[Skip]

She's not really back, is she?

Or, I'm over-reacting and it's all a stupid coincidence?

If everything you say is true - does it mean anything, really?

She married on a whim after you two split, that life has its ups and downs... .but she married, lives with another man and has a life that is centered on him.

If she still has thoughts of you or fond memories or wants to be superficial friends - that's OK, right?  If she has thoughts of seeking some of that old "validation" from you, or leaning on you a bit to help her in her new life, you are immune to that now, right     If you're not, then you haven't grieved this, let go, detached yet.  

That's very possible and not unusual, and thats the place to focus.

After learning all that you learned - what are you feeling for her?

I breathed a sigh of relief.  Wished her well in my heart and began to truly look forward to a life without having to wonder if she will show up at a place she knows I go or call me from a restrictive number at four in the morning, while her husband is sleeping in another room.  I should have remembered that pwBPD can hold on to things for years, decades.

If she called you at 4 AM, how would that affect you?

[strikeforce]

She isn't really back as she has made no direct contact with you, there may be other reasons behind the Facebook posts that 'seem' to be directed at you.

It also 'seems' to me that you are desperate to hear from her again.

[MrFox]

Thanks to everyone who replied.  I think I may have not done the best job at writing my post, it was late, I was tired, and it was almost a stream of consciousnesses kind of thing.  Also, the title was somewhat of a joke.  No, she isn't really "back", just more so in my life then she has been since February when she made a physical appearance.

Am I fully detached, no, probably not.  I still think about her too often.  However, I do not want her back in my life, nor do I wish to hear from her.  Sometime in in May I posted a thread about how she was calling me for about a week at all hours and I ignored it until finally confronting her about it.

I can do this job without it setting me back, I know that.  As I stated, I generally don't have to interact with the clients and if I do I have always been professional.  I'll just thank her for making me some money

[Skip]

I still think about her too often. 

What are you thinking about?

[MrFox]

At this point it varies between feeling sad for her and feeling anger towards her.