How?

Sorry brother, I am there and was in there deeper 6 weeks ago when the BU happened. I wish I can tell you this will be easy, but you have a long road ahead of you, know that I am up that road a few mile markers, still on it, still working through it, but I am much better today then I was 4 weeks ago.

My story is more similar then dissimilar. She was pushing for marriage, I dragged my feet, she sensed I didn't want to do it, and ultimately left. This is hitting you from a lot of sides:

You are hurt

Your kids are hurt

You are questioning your decision to set boundaries and how it has impacted all of you

You feel responsible for your kids hurt because of your decision.

It's a mess, and a hard one to work through. I think the first thing you need to process is questioning your decision, as it's driving a lot of guilt and preventing you from moving forward. What I try and remember, is that there was a valid reason I did not want to get married: I wasn't happy, I was broken down, beat up man and anytime I thought about the future, all i could see is myself further eroding into an amorphous blob trying to feed this bottomless pit of neediness... Ultimately, I saw an eventual split... but this time with tangled finances and new children. I am sure your reasons are equally valid. Have confidence in your decision. It was right, you knew you were trying to have a healthy relationship with an unhealthy individual, and also knew like fitting a square peg into a round hole, it wasn't possible.

re: the kids hurting. I am going to assume that your BPD was controlling and treated you with little respect, like most seem to. Well my T told me that not only was she teaching my kids how to treat me, she was also creating a paradigm that they would act out in their future relationships. My 9 year old even got me alone once and said to me "daddy do you mind that Ms X always tells you what to do"... I realized when talking this out that they had become little hers, and spent all their time telling me what to do and how to do it. I was low man on the totem pole! This continued for about a month post BU, but finally has diminished. Soo... yes, they experienced and still are a bit, the transitory hurt of loss... .but they are saved from the long term twisting of unhealthy relational paradigms, not to mention no longer having respect for thier old man.

HTH... take one day at a time.

And start walking. It's good for endoprhin release, but also as a metaphor. You need to move forward, and not live in the past, as each foot passes in front of the other you are physically acting out what you need to do mentally



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