New Here, Daughter With BPD

[Nancyo]

Hi everyone.  I have a 38 yr old daughter who has BPD with narcissistic tendencies and anxiety disorder. She has spent time in a mental hospital but is currently in jail for the next 9 months.  I find it very difficult to talk to her on the phone because she is so needy and emotionally draining.  For the time being, I am trying to keep our conversations to be in letter format and am trying to explain to her why this is necessary but she thinks I am abandoning her in "her hour of need".  Any ideas on how I can help her understand?

Any suggestions or resources you can offer would be appreciated.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[pessim-optimist]

Hello Nancyo, 

And  - welcome to the Parenting board!

This must be a very trying time for both of you... .did your daughter start her sentence recently, or has she been there for a while already?

Drastic transitions like this one with a very restricted environment would be very distressing to a person w/BPD, and would trigger highly emotional states. It makes sense that she would see you as "abandoning you" in her hour of need, if she can't reach you. It is also very understandable that you would be overwhelmed by her calls... .

What is it in particular that you find difficult navigating in phone-call conversations?

What was your relationship like before her sentence?

Welcome again to the board, we are here to listen and share our experiences as you are navigating this situation... .

Has your daughter been diagnosed? How long have you known about her BPD - have you had a chance to read any resources so far, or is this something completely new to you?

[Nancyo]

How does one provide a succinct answer to simple questions when there are complex issues? Like  25 years worth of drama, drug abuse, manipulation and pain.  You love a child who appears to have a disability and give them allowances,  but you also recognize the need to love yourself and not be taken advantage of.

Let's say that before she went to jail I had been helping her out and my codependent tendencies kicked in and I started caretaking her.   When she went to jail, every phone call became about her agenda and what else she wanted me to do to solve her problems from the outside. Physical, emotional, mental health, financial, legal issues.  I just had had enough and these talks ended up with one of us either crying or being angry.  Too much drama on the phone so I asked for a timeout and  told her I would write to her instead which I have been doing.  I feel that her phone calls kept me embroiled in her drama and I was carrying her stuff around with me all the time.  It was having a negative impact on me and I needed to look after myself.

[Nancyo]

Oh, and yes she had been diagnosed with BPD about 15 years ago and ago and again in the past year while in hospital as BPD with anxiety disorder.

[pessim-optimist]

I see what you are saying, Nancyo,

There is nothing wrong with taking a timeout, especially when we need to take care of ourselves... .

She may or may not accept the letter contact, however, you have a better chance of getting your point across if you use the so called S.E.T. format (Support, Empathy, Truth) - more on that here:

https://bpdfamily.com/parenting/04.htm

It help us to hopefully connect with our child emotionally, in a way that makes them feel understood before we tell them the "truth" part - the main message of what we want to tell them.

The key basics to communicating with our person w/BPD are the concept of validation and staying connected to them while keeping our boundaries at the same time. It can be counter-intuitive as many of us, who did the co-dependent dance, eventually drop from exhaustion and tend to disconnect and then re-engage again the co-dependent way. We may swing back and forth from one extreme to another for a bit before we gain our sea-legs and gain the proper balance.

There are many resources on the site, and there is lots to absorb, but the best place to start is the right hand panel at the top ----->

It contains the important Tools and Lessons for Parents

Also, if you have the chance, getting the book Loving Someone w/BPD by Shari Manning may be the best start (there are lots of practical tips on how to navigate the difficult situations with our person w/BPD)

How have you been coping personally since your daughter's arrest? Have you had a chance to focus on other things?

Have you had the time to do things for yourself that nurture your body, and mind and spirit?

We here understand how extremely draining this experience can be... .