It does get better + Personal Inventory

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Hi bpdfamily,

I broke up with my ex and have been in strict NC with her for 2.5 months now. Basically blocked her from everything. I feel I have detached significantly despite her efforts to stalk me, my friends and even my ex (before her) the last few months.

At the beginning of my break up I was using this forum as a substitute to my addiction to her and also to find some solace in listening and compassionate eyes and ears and as a space to occasionally vent. This forum has helped a lot. I don't know what I would have done should I not have found it. At the same time, I haven't visited the forum for almost a week now and I see this as a positive sign.

My optimism, energy and overall well being have come back and have made improvements in my life and I am finding myself in a better position to the one I was before I entered the rs with the pwBPD. What astounds me is the absolute madness in my xBPDgf 's actions and words. I have gone through some inappropriate communications she sent to one of my close friends, basically portraying me as a crazy and bad mouthing me all around. Through this and other situations between us over the one year we were together, it becomes more and more evident to me how extremely innappropriate, seriously dangerous and profoundly sick this person is.

Taking personal inventory here, this begs the question... .how on earth did I get myself into this? It is now evident to me that the main contributing factor was that I had recently broken up with my long term partner (about 3-4 months before I met her). We were together for 7 years. After the break I was emotionally needy - I just didn't understand or let myself acknowledge how much needy I was at the time. My xBPD came along and offered me a dreamy rebound. I thought I could ride out of the mourning of my previous rs through jumping into a fairy tale with a mentally unstable person. I was keen to believe and fell right in it all the dream followed by the FOG. That is my story in a nutshell. I don't think I am a co-dependent although I was more emotionally needy and dependent during that period in my life and I do have some narcissistic wounds/traits. That probably didn't help. When she realised where my weaknesses lied she played them in such an insidious way that over time it caused me 3rd degree shame burns. Having felt all this pain on one hand I could see how she was not good for me but on the other I also wanted to stay and engage and cause her pain too. And I did for a little while. It became destructive - real hell and I am glad it is over. Now that I am out I feel so well. Cutting her out of my life is the best thing that I have done for myself.

Hang in there guys. It really does get better. Good luck to all!

[freedom33]

Hi bpdfamily,

I broke up with my ex and have been in strict NC with her for 2.5 months now. Basically blocked her from everything. I feel I have detached significantly despite her efforts to stalk me, my friends and even my ex (before her) the last few months.

At the beginning of my break up I was using this forum as a substitute to my addiction to her and also to find some solace in listening and compassionate eyes and ears and as a space to occasionally vent. This forum has helped a lot. I don't know what I would have done should I not have found it. At the same time, I haven't visited the forum for almost a week now and I see this as a positive sign.

My optimism, energy and overall well being have come back and have made improvements in my life and I am finding myself in a better position to the one I was before I entered the rs with the pwBPD. What astounds me is the absolute madness in my xBPDgf 's actions and words. I have gone through some inappropriate communications she sent to one of my close friends, basically portraying me as a crazy and bad mouthing me all around. Through this and other situations between us over the one year we were together, it becomes more and more evident to me how extremely innappropriate, seriously dangerous and profoundly sick this person is.

Taking personal inventory here, this begs the question... .how on earth did I get myself into this? It is now evident to me that the main contributing factor was that I had recently broken up with my long term partner (about 3-4 months before I met her). We were together for 7 years. After the break I was emotionally needy - I just didn't understand or let myself acknowledge how much needy I was at the time. My xBPD came along and offered me a dreamy rebound. I thought I could ride out of the mourning of my previous rs through jumping into a fairy tale with a mentally unstable person. I was keen to believe and fell right in it all the dream followed by the FOG. That is my story in a nutshell. I don't think I am a co-dependent although I was more emotionally needy and dependent during that period in my life and I do have some narcissistic wounds/traits. That probably didn't help. When she realised where my weaknesses lied she played them in such an insidious way that over time it caused me 3rd degree shame burns. Having felt all this pain on one hand I could see how she was not good for me but on the other I also wanted to stay and engage and cause her pain too. And I did for a little while. It became destructive - real hell and I am glad it is over. Now that I am out I feel so well. Cutting her out of my life is the best thing that I have done for myself.

Hang in there guys. It really does get better. Good luck to all!

[Infern0]

It's been about 3 months for me since I hit rock bottom.

Rock bottom as I was concerned was a complete nervous breakdown and being barely functional as a human being for a period of about 3 weeks.

I have not been able to sustain no contact,  but the contact we have had has not been too damaging to me,  she has been respectful and not bought up anything to "get at me", she's quite secretive about her personal life and only wants to talk and joke about.  It's weird but not causing me too much pain.

In terms of my improvement,  I am getting there slowly but surely.  My appetite Is back and I have gained back around 7lbs over the last two months after being badly underweight at the end. I want to round that off to 15lb by the end of the year.  Sleep wise I'm doing way better,  from 2 hours a night to 7-8 hours and that makes a huge difference.

I am still very up and down in terms of mood,  I find myself snapping at people sometimes and other times just feel very isolated and lonely.  Also still get the obsessive thinking going but not as much.

I am settling into the mindset of having dodged a bullet though. The contact I have had has helped me somewhat in that I can see that she hasn't changed at all,  she's still the same,  she's still triangulating,  she's still disloyal to the new guy,  she's still innapropriate,  and nothing anyone does for her is ever going to be enough or make her happy. This is good for me because it wasn't just me. 

The fantasy I had of her "getting better" was just that,  she isn't going to get better,  at least not at this stage,  I have compassion and I hope that one day she sticks with DBT and makes improvements but I don't see it happening to be honest,  it's just easier for her to ignore her issues and find new supply.