Today is your birthday

[Deeno02]

My journal entry for today: Today is your birthday. Last year I gave you the blue Tiffany box for your new bracelet. I purchased flowers for the kids to give to you as your ex did nothing for them to celebrate your birthday. As I cried for us on the way to work I realized what I will miss. Now, I will miss being with you and the kids sharing in your day. I will miss being with you as we went out for dinner. I will miss making love to you. I will miss looking over at you for no reason other than loving you. I will miss holding your hand. I will miss you hanging on my arm, grabbing it tightly. Now its the new guys responsibility. He will be the taking you to dinner. He will be the one getting you a gift. He will be the one making love to you. I will be sitting alone in my thoughts of you, torturing myself as to what i did to deserve this and why you dont care. Why and how you moved on so quick. Sometimes the hardest part of love, other than having none, is to let someone you love, go. I blew it, as you constantly say. There was nothing in your eyes after my John Cusack moment in the gym. You said a bunch of things to me in the gym before insulting my daughter and walking off, I wont go into detail of it, but it mostly consisted of me not being with you enough as deemed necessary. Or communicate as much as possible. I tried to do the best I can and I probably could have made a better effort. Theres always room to improve in every aspect. But what about you? Did you try? Or was it all me.  I except full responsibility for this as you wont. Every bit of it. I destroy what I touch, I show no emotion, Im not capable of love, so you say. I didnt fight for you? A guy who was willing to marry a woman with 5  kids (1 Autistic), purchased a ring and was looking at houses big enough to handle 7 kids should have shown you some type of commitment. Of course you wouldnt have known about the proposal because I was going to do that today, your birthday. Maybe I didnt get emotional as I should. Don't ever doubt that I love you. Don't. I do. I would do or say anything for you. I'm working on this. I started by forgiving my ex wife. 3 years is long enough to harbor feelings like that. It's no good. It was a barrier. Working on my communication skills to. I know you don't care, just letting you know. But you'll never know because I will never be with you again, even if you try to recycle me. You couldnt have done any worse if you had shot me dead, as Im dead inside. I dont know how to recover, I dont even know if I want to. I hope this new guy can give you the happiness you deserve as I obviously couldnt.

[Inside]

Hard to read… but, as I know (cuz I’ve sent much the same), easy to write … then hard to ignore …which is what we’re forced to do.  And, we’ve little help, at least no new r/s to occupy us.  As sorry as I am for you, she’s the obvious loser.  Your intensions were pure, honorable and loving, and she will do no better.

I’m glad you’re spending time here, learning and sharing.  It doesn’t fix them but seems to help fill in our holes…  I took a look at a site for those with BPD a day ago, just to remind myself of where they’re at in life.  As well planned, and even arrogant as their breaks are with us, they are nowhere near us regarding integrity, compassion, or an understanding and love of life…  In contrast, I’m often floored by the depth of feelings, intelligence and capability for love I find ‘around here.’  And as busted up as we feel, we are the solid ones. 

PwBPD live in a world of shame.  And, they’ve earned it.  Few of them are capable of living up to our standards.  But unfortunately, like a virus, not quite killing it’s host, they’ve infected humanity.  Ten months out from a 3.5 year r/s with a BPgf, it’s still sinking in that I’m so much better off without her.  She often spoke of marriage, and I’d have wanted that, but had we gone there – nothing would have changed.  Around here, that evidence abounds. 

They are self-destructive and willing to take others with them.  They are clever at worming their way into your heart but leave a gaping wound when they exit.  …and while inside, do tremendous damage…  If nothing else, we should now be inoculated from their deception and never repeat the mistake.  And, perhaps help others recover and avoid them as well... ?  She is incapable of matching your love, and worse, willing to blame you.  That is ugly and wrong…  But as hard as it is to turn our desire away from what we found most alluring … we must also face their ugly side – and, it’s hideous. 

You don’t know it yet, though wounded, you’re far (FAR) better off away than with.  Even she knows this, though could not admit it…  The best they can do is superficial love, your letter above shows you are capable of much more.  There is no doubt a woman, not only deserving of the same – but capable of returning it to you, is ‘out there.’  Take your time, learn this lesson, then find ‘her’