Breaking NC and needing some support

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Had to break NC to start to get the house sold etc. I have been doing OK keeping to NC but its all coming unravelled having made contact again. The break up responsibility was laid at my door, ex in tears. I don't get it. He told me for years he wanted a better wife, a better family, even refused fathers day gifts one year as he was sulking on the couch wanting a better family. He didn't want us so much and now is all in tears. The frustrating bit is if we went back to counselling he'd spit the dummy again and want us to end. It doesn't make any sense. The push/pull emotion is so hard to deal with. So frustrating, difficult, draining to have to deal with his emotion as well as mine over the split. He called the final end to us. He said we are done. The difference is I didn't attempt to recycle, I said OK. He is emotionally all over the place and I can feel myself getting caught back into it all. Have I been painted white again? It's crazy stuff. I can't go back, I'll never survive it all again. I don't have the strength to do SET and validation and watch what I say all the time and live that insane life. No-one can. How can loving and living with some-one be so hard and breaking away be so difficult too.

Is it the co-dependent side of me being triggered by all this? The need to rescue making it hard to stick to what I know is best for both of us? Why does contact trigger a panic response in me?

[Tibbles]

Had to break NC to start to get the house sold etc. I have been doing OK keeping to NC but its all coming unravelled having made contact again. The break up responsibility was laid at my door, ex in tears. I don't get it. He told me for years he wanted a better wife, a better family, even refused fathers day gifts one year as he was sulking on the couch wanting a better family. He didn't want us so much and now is all in tears. The frustrating bit is if we went back to counselling he'd spit the dummy again and want us to end. It doesn't make any sense. The push/pull emotion is so hard to deal with. So frustrating, difficult, draining to have to deal with his emotion as well as mine over the split. He called the final end to us. He said we are done. The difference is I didn't attempt to recycle, I said OK. He is emotionally all over the place and I can feel myself getting caught back into it all. Have I been painted white again? It's crazy stuff. I can't go back, I'll never survive it all again. I don't have the strength to do SET and validation and watch what I say all the time and live that insane life. No-one can. How can loving and living with some-one be so hard and breaking away be so difficult too.

Is it the co-dependent side of me being triggered by all this? The need to rescue making it hard to stick to what I know is best for both of us? Why does contact trigger a panic response in me?

[jayboy336]

Hello there Tibbles. I know exactly how you feel. I went a day with NC with my exBPDgf and had to break NC yesterday because I am trying to get her to come get her things at the apartment.

     I would say that yes, a part of the co-dependent side can be triggering it coupled with flashbacks of the honeymoon stage when things were good. Deep inside, you know that you cant subject yourself to that emotional abuse again. Try your best to stay away from the chaos. Be strong.

[Aussie0zborn]

The tears are all a show to play the victim. You've done it again... .upsetting him, as per usual.

Don't buy in to the rubbish.  He wants "a better family"? Really? Maybe you need a better husband? An appreciative one, perhaps. This insult alone should be enough to get you focussed on the task at hand. Deal with it as you would a business - you have a job to do so just do it.

You will feel like this through the process but focus on what needs to be done and on yourself. It's probably a co-dependent thing but it only lasts until you break the bond and then you're free.

[OutOfEgypt]

Anxiety (in this case, what is called "signal anxiety" is the result of a deep but unconscious uprise in feeling.  And that makes sense... .how could you see a person you were so deeply involved with who caused you SO MUCH pain and NOT have very intense and very painful feelings well up?  Working with a T and getting in touch with those unconscious feelings (plus time) has helped me with this tremendously.  I do not feel anxiety around my ex like I used to.  I want to get away as soon as I can, but it doesn't kill me and I have no desire to be with her.

I was told for years that I was not enough.  I was a neglectful husband.  I sucked in bed, etc.  The more guilt-tripping, the more affairs, the more insults and blaming left me feeling like a deer in headlights.  I didn't dare breathe wrong for fear of incurring some kind of punishment or consequence.

The bottom line is that my ex always seemed to be "one-foot-out" of the relationship, and she could walk away with such EASE... .like I didn't even matter, like her latest F###-friend was so much better (and she made sure I knew he was).  BUT... .when I finally walked away, the tables turned.  She cried.  She held on.  She tried to be sweet... .all designed to pull me back in.  and often it worked, until she had me again and things went the EXACT same way.   People with BPD cannot handle abandonment.  They can leave you, they can trash you and walk out like it is nothing.  But if you are the one leaving them, they will fall apart.  They can handle dumping you.  They just cannot handle being dumped.   Their fragile little egos can't take it.

[Tibbles]

Thank you all for your thoughts. They helped center me and calm me. Having to have contact after having no contact for 8 weeks just threw me.  I like the approach to "deal with it like you would a business - you have a job to do so just do it". That is exactly what I will do. It's a business job that needs to be done. Once it is done I am free. Feeling better, Thanks again