the forward and back of progress and healing

[rollercoaster24]

Hi guys

I haven't been on the boards much for some time, but recently dipped in now and again to find some solace when the urges came to make contact with the exBP, (and to make another long overdue donation).

Must say, that as a Personal Inventory, mine isn't that inspiring really.

I feel old, (now 46) unwanted, unmotivated, depressed, overweight, frustrated, scared, and sad.

Lets see, I am now analysing the factors that may be contributing to this general feeling of malaise.

When I met BP in early 2010, I was around 10 kg lighter, I looked a lot sexier (and felt a lot sexier too), my skin was better and showing less signs of ageing, and I felt like I had more of a social life too, (had friends around for coffees more often and went out and did things with them also).

Now, I am 4-5 years older and feel like in the time with BP I aged a lot quicker due to the massive stress dealing with him produced in me.

Some things are better, in that I have my own business now and going into the second year of that, (much better off financially) however I don't have any time off, and haven't had even a day off for almost a year now. Every day I have to get up at the crack of dawn, (earlier actually) and go in for my first shift, then back in the evenings and often in the afternoons as well on occasion.

There is a lot of crime at my workplace, and I have been attacked twice in person, and had to deal with lots of unsavoury persons hanging around the centre over the years I have been there.

Homelife

I now board with daughter and her partner, (before April they boarded with me for several years but we moved house to get away from BP and to find a home with a bigger shed for all our project cars). My family have a lot of pets, (extremely noisy and stressful listening to birds squawking all day every day, then there are the neighbours dogs, argghhhhh and as much as I am an animal lover, maybe its old age, and I am crankier at the eternal noise of birds, (Lorikeet, Galah, 2 weiros).

I don't have time for much of a social life due to my work life hours, and I have so much on my plate (all the years of time wasted dealing with BP that things built up) that I feel totally overwhelmed and exasperated.

The home we live in now, has much more room in the garage/shed, but the house itself is much smaller, so having to continually get rid of stuff because I have no room to keep it.

I am trying to lose weight, but feel like my age/job/thyroid condition are all working against that happening as quick as I would like, so every day I make the wrong choices due to lifestyle/tiredness, and then hate myself more, not to mention chewing my damn fingernails too.

One positive there, is that I joined the gym several months ago, and managed to lose inches, but not weight via the scales.



Last year I had managed to make a new friend, (lost most of my others thanks to BP), but lately this new friend has disappointed me severely, and I have taken some time out from the friendship to lick my wounds and cool off.

I had been paying this new friend to complete extra work with me, (for my business commitments) and having paid him before the jobs were completed, he let me down twice, and then had the audacity to argue with me when I cut short the job we were doing because I knew we wouldn't have it completed in time. This wasn't the first time he had argued with me or thrown a mini tantrum about something.

I told him off anyway, and in the end he did apologise, but it was too late for me, the damage was done.

I had often explained to him that when BP was in my life, he would start arguments with me when he came to my workplace and humiliate me even though I refused to argue with him.

Obviously this friend hadn't been listening either.

So, has reading about my life made you feel better about yours?

I hope so, because mine in general feels empty and lacking in fun. Not sure what I can do about it either in a hurry.

I am also still heartbroken over wasting years of my life in this pathetic relationship which was a complete failure, and sorry I invested so much effort and time into someone that wasn't worth it.

That's my ten cents worth for now.

Roller

[Pingo]

Hi Rollercoaster,

I'm sorry to hear about the tough time you are going through.  I am only a year younger than you and also met my exBPDh in 2010.  I know what you mean about feeling like you aged so much during that time.  I was in such great shape when I met my ex and was active, hiking every weekend.  Once I got involved with him I let myself get wrapped up in his interests and drama and I let myself slide away.  I had many health problems over the past 4 yrs, most as a result of extreme anxiety, but I find slowly I am getting healthier and feeling a little younger every day.

It must be tough to be not have any time just for yourself, I think if you can work it in somehow it is crucial.  I was going to take on some extra work as I am so in debt after getting out of the r/s but decided to wait, I didn't want to stretch myself any further.  I'm hoping that with some time and more therapy I'll start to feel more motivated. 

Try to be gentle on yourself, with time away from the toxic r/s you should start to feel like there is a glimmer of the old you in there just waiting to come to the surface.  Try to find one nurturing thing you can do for yourself every day, even if it's just a hot bath before bed.  And BTW, I'd throw the scale in the trash!  It means nothing when you are working out as muscle weighs more than fat!  Just go by how you feel!  (Just my two cents )

Take care!