Most injurious part of the BPD relationship PART 2

[Depression = 72% of members]

I would like to continue the previous thread discussing the most damaging aspects of our time with a pwBPD.


One just hit me today after work.  She used to be so in to my interests.  I suppose this would be the mirroring.  Now when I see something we used to share (TV show or a youtube channel for example) it brings a torrent of bittersweet memories.  I still love that relationship I felt was so deep and the pain of knowing how it ended make me want to forget everything.  Moments like this make me wish I could burn the last 30 months out of my mind.

[ReluctantSurvivor]

I would like to continue the previous thread discussing the most damaging aspects of our time with a pwBPD.


One just hit me today after work.  She used to be so in to my interests.  I suppose this would be the mirroring.  Now when I see something we used to share (TV show or a youtube channel for example) it brings a torrent of bittersweet memories.  I still love that relationship I felt was so deep and the pain of knowing how it ended make me want to forget everything.  Moments like this make me wish I could burn the last 30 months out of my mind.

[Loveofhislife]

Thanks, Reluctant Survivor for continuing this important thread. Not sure I can ever watch "Orange is the New Black" or "Breaking Bad" ever again--we watched the entirety of both series together. He said both series triggered him--then he abandoned me.

[AG]

Wow theres alot that I could list but honestly what really urkes my nerves is being done so wrong and then villafied afterwards for it. Its like punching me in the face and then getting mad at me that you hurt your hand on my face. Also the wreckless nonsense towards the end where she put me at risk of catching an STD was not only heartbreaking but infuriating as well. This was not too long after her first suicide attempt when i had to rush her to the ER to save her life from swallowing pills to keep me from going home. After I dealt with that nonsense amd was exhausted from it my boundaries then completely broke and I carried the weight internally of all the blame.

[Deeno02]

She never shared my interests. Concerts, range, bowling... nothing. Never got to share jn her friends either. Didnt get introduced to the neighbors,  barely her family,(sister) whom she didnt like much and barely any of her snooty ass friends. What the hell was I thinking? Been reflecting a lot on that. It was always her hectic schedule (5kids) and pretty much whatever she wanted to do. Nice...

[Blimblam]

One of the side effects of the gas lighting as abuse is everytime I saw her or even got a text from her I would get a big rush that would make me feel sick and a bit manic.  I felt sort of guilty and ashamed because the person I loved and cared about got me to  a place I didn't know how to forgive and to even be in her presence would trigger me so badly my nervous system would go haywire.

It's like even if she showed up to my place turned on the seduction and charm my body just wouldn't trust it and I would find her revolting and I would feel guilty. 

[willtimeheal]

At first she shared all my interests. I would suggest something and she would be all over it. As the relationship progressed she became uninterested in anything I wanted to do. She would tell me she didn't like movies or concerts. But if her brother asked her she would go with him. It was just weird.

[tim_tom]

I know I am changing my mind a lot here, but right now I am stuck the grand push/pull... Everyone knows all the peaks and valleys of push / pull during the relationship, but I am talking about the bookends.

Most of our relationships started with extreme, deep and rapid idolization, and many of them ended quickly, with a complete and total lack of concern, consideration or seemingly any evidence that this person had EVER cared for you. Trying to reconcile the ex from 18 months ago to the one now is making me crazy. One was completely infatuated and obsessed with my well being, the current one couldn't give a ___ if I dropped dead in front of her, she'd step over me and keep going.

It's maddening! The end game. The final push over the edge. How can she not have at least some warm feelings?

I'm not even sure it hurts, it's just making me nuts. She's toying with me, pretending she cares, but her actions are the complete freaken opposite

[Loveofhislife]

Tim Tom--sounds like we're in a similar bind--Freedom 33 explains it in terms of trauma bonds and literal, physiological (biochemical) interactions. I think that is part of it as is literal Pavlovian programming with reward and deprivation. But today, I was with my T, a friend/life coach, and a spiritual healer. Consensus? I'm stuck. But we are not stuck forever, so we must keep working through the pain after I have spent a lifetime of denying and stuffing pain. Great breath work session tonight helped me discover that Tim Tom, I continue to be in disbelief or denial because exbfBPD was attached to me (literally and figuratively) for one year, and then he disappeared. Is it any wonder that we still feel the push/pull--all or nothing? We can do this! But we've got to get through this part of the desert!

[AG]

Tim Tom--sounds like we're in a similar bind--Freedom 33 explains it in terms of trauma bonds and literal, physiological (biochemical) interactions. I think that is part of it as is literal Pavlovian programming with reward and deprivation. But today, I was with my T, a friend/life coach, and a spiritual healer. Consensus? I'm stuck. But we are not stuck forever, so we must keep working through the pain after I have spent a lifetime of denying and stuffing pain. Great breath work session tonight helped m discover that Tim Tom, I continue to be in disbelief or denial because exbfBPD was attached to me (literally and figuratively) for one year, and then he disappeared. Is it any wonder that we still feel the push/pull--all or nothing? We can do this! But we' e got to get through this part of the desert!

Thank you for this

[StillAlive]

The prospects of having PTSD.

Complete isolation. Having an interest in fostering healthy relationships but incapable of reaching beyond my own fears.

Experiencing years of a perplexed spouse being both abusive and overly flattering; more than just being nice their support helps me feel better when I'm still picking myself up from the last encounter.

At the same time she dropped hints about how it's my fault, and more importantly she drop hints about the dire consequences of breaking things off with her, of asking others for help, or of pushing her away. My abusive partner lied about me on Facebook (which I suppose could be devastating to someone who feels insecure), she went on to turn acquaintances - even friends - against me, she will do anything they can to make my life without her hell. She would beat me, she would emotionally scar me - using her intimate knowledge of my weaknesses, my past, and my goals against me. She would destroy: my things, my relationships, my physical health, my emotional health, my future.

The cycle continues when I begin deciding that right now, right after an encounter, that leaving would be the worst possible time to sever ties and move on. During these moments I was completely drained of energy, feeling like ___, hurt and scared that somebody was about to die, and my abuser is in an unpredictable state. It would make sense to at the very least wait until my abuser partner would calm down, and in the meantime try to stay out of her way... .Try to keep from pushing her buttons.

A few days pass, the violent, hateful, vindictive woman reverts back to the caring partner, and I'm left to grapple with my fear of and love/commitment to the person they see now. Things are now going well after all, and I remember all of my tools and encouragement from this website about borderline relationships, we can work through this. There's no need to push the envelope and start another attack/outburst. Moreover, nagging fears over my spouse violently slashing her wrists from elbow to hand is exact what would, what almost occurred in the event of leaving. I knew full well that if I contacted the police, reached out to my family, her family, or my friends then she would violently kill herself and it would be all my fault. At least if I stayed when the abuse would came with some predictability. Without that predictability she would have nothing left to lose. Now I will always have a target on my back until the day one of us dies. At least the stalking has somewhat slowed down after a full year.

I think the most injurious part of the BPD relationship was coming here for support both during and after the relationship. Being told by a moderator that we are the ones more responsible than our borderline spouses, that these people essentially cannot control themselves, and that they're the real victims here. I believe it isn't stigmatizing mental illness to deal with your own reality and, god forbid, put yourself before your abuser. At least the very same moderator who made those remarked deleted them, I think, but this whole trust and opening up deal is a work in progress.

[Blimblam]

The prospects of having PTSD.

Complete isolation. Having an interest in fostering healthy relationships but incapable of reaching beyond my own fears.

Experiencing years of a perplexed spouse being both abusive and overly flattering; more than just being nice their support helps me feel better when I'm still picking myself up from the last encounter.

At the same time she dropped hints about how it's my fault, and more importantly she drop hints about the dire consequences of breaking things off with her, of asking others for help, or of pushing her away. My abusive partner lied about me on Facebook (which I suppose could be devastating to someone who feels insecure), she went on to turn acquaintances - even friends - against me, she will do anything they can to make my life without her hell. She would beat me, she would emotionally scar me - using her intimate knowledge of my weaknesses, my past, and my goals against me. She would destroy: my things, my relationships, my physical health, my emotional health, my future.

The cycle continues when I begin deciding that right now, right after an encounter, that leaving would be the worst possible time to sever ties and move on. During these moments I was completely drained of energy, feeling like ___, hurt and scared that somebody was about to die, and my abuser is in an unpredictable state. It would make sense to at the very least wait until my abuser partner would calm down, and in the meantime try to stay out of her way... .Try to keep from pushing her buttons.

A few days pass, the violent, hateful, vindictive woman reverts back to the caring partner, and I'm left to grapple with my fear of and love/commitment to the person they see now. Things are now going well after all, and I remember all of my tools and encouragement from this website about borderline relationships, we can work through this. There's no need to push the envelope and start another attack/outburst. Moreover, nagging fears over my spouse violently slashing her wrists from elbow to hand is exact what would, what almost occurred in the event of leaving. I knew full well that if I contacted the police, reached out to my family, her family, or my friends then she would violently kill herself and it would be all my fault. At least if I stayed when the abuse would came with some predictability. Without that predictability she would have nothing left to lose. Now I will always have a target on my back until the day one of us dies. At least the stalking has somewhat slowed down after a full year.

I think the most injurious part of the BPD relationship was coming here for support both during and after the relationship. Being told by a moderator that we are the ones more responsible than our borderline spouses, that these people essentially cannot control themselves, and that they're the real victims here. I believe it isn't stigmatizing mental illness to deal with your own reality and, god forbid, put yourself before your abuser. At least the very same moderator who made those remarked deleted them, I think, but this whole trust and opening up deal is a work in progress.

Hey I'm sorry if you felt that way this is a safe place.  The pwBPD know what they are doing sort of.  They know what they will do will have consequences. Heck they even go out of their way to hurt you.  The strange thing is it is all an elaborate form of denial and projecting. It's extremely confusing for us and just as confusing in many ways for them.  They really don't recognize their own projection as themself. 

In fact I don't think they ever really see you for you at all.  They see themself in you if that makes sense.

Any way I hope your feeling better and welcome here. 

Healing from abuse like this that is so confusing and heart wrenching is incredibly difficult.

[blissful_camper]

My ex paraded me around like I was livestock. That was hurtful too.  He bragged about my goals and accomplishments, and told others how proud he was of me, but he had zero interest in what I do.  His only interest was that my accomplishments made him look good.