Why is it that...

[Agent_of_Chaos]

If many of those whom suffer from BPD have abandonment issues/emotional issues, do they push us away when we are trying to alleviate some of that sadness?  I am only beginning to understand this painstaking disorder and haven't found any real clarity on the subject.  I find people saying that when we get to close, show too much love, or basically display too much compassion for someone with BPD... .it triggers them to recede.  Why?  If we are working over time to fulfill what their soul is craving... .then why fight us?  The answer may be obvious but I feel like there is something I am missing. 

[vortex of confusion]

If many of those whom suffer from BPD have abandonment issues/emotional issues, do they push us away when we are trying to alleviate some of that sadness?  I am only beginning to understand this painstaking disorder and haven't found any real clarity on the subject.  I find people saying that when we get to close, show too much love, or basically display too much compassion for someone with BPD... .it triggers them to recede.  Why?  If we are working over time to fulfill what their soul is craving... .then why fight us?  The answer may be obvious but I feel like there is something I am missing. 

It doesn't make any sense. I tend to think of it as more of a self fulfilling prophecy sort of thing. They don't do it intentionally. They are so convinced that they are unworthy and are going to be abandoned that they behave in ways that are consistent with their internal belief system. In doing so, they are creating the very situation that they want to avoid. When we show them love and compassion, they recede because it does not fit the story that they have told themselves. It confuses them. They aren't really receding from us as much as they are receding from their own internal confusion. In talking to my husband, I get the impression that when he recedes or hides or finds things to distract himself he isn't trying to hide or run from me as much as he is trying to hide and run from himself.

[Agent_of_Chaos]

If many of those whom suffer from BPD have abandonment issues/emotional issues, do they push us away when we are trying to alleviate some of that sadness?  I am only beginning to understand this painstaking disorder and haven't found any real clarity on the subject.  I find people saying that when we get to close, show too much love, or basically display too much compassion for someone with BPD... .it triggers them to recede.  Why?  If we are working over time to fulfill what their soul is craving... .then why fight us?  The answer may be obvious but I feel like there is something I am missing. 

It doesn't make any sense. I tend to think of it as more of a self fulfilling prophecy sort of thing. They don't do it intentionally. They are so convinced that they are unworthy and are going to be abandoned that they behave in ways that are consistent with their internal belief system. In doing so, they are creating the very situation that they want to avoid. When we show them love and compassion, they recede because it does not fit the story that they have told themselves. It confuses them. They aren't really receding from us as much as they are receding from their own internal confusion. In talking to my husband, I get the impression that when he recedes or hides or finds things to distract himself he isn't trying to hide or run from me as much as he is trying to hide and run from himself.

Thank you for the reply.  That seems to make perfect sense.  My X has stated numerous times that she didn't deserve me, I deserve someone whom loves me better, shes evil, and that she sucks at life.  It is the terror/innocence that was lost in statements like that that bind me. 

[Infern0]

Mine used to say she didn't deserve to be happy and things of that nature.  I don't think she was spinning a line when she used to say such things,  she genuinely belives that as ridiculous as it is.  Her actions thus make certain that she never is.

[Agent_of_Chaos]

Mine used to say she didn't deserve to be happy and things of that nature.  I don't think she was spinning a line when she used to say such things,  she genuinely belives that as ridiculous as it is.  Her actions thus make certain that she never is.

I agree completely.

[ReluctantSurvivor]

I can't give you a why but I can confirm the behavior.   The more committed I became to my exBPDgf the less effort she put into the relationship.  Initially she was an energizer bunny but I saw that slip after the first "I love you."  By the time she had a ring on her finger, she had given up.  She quit wearing the ring, became hostile towards something as simple as eye contact and abandoned personal hygiene.  At the time I made excuses for her (stress, depression, thyroid, hormones) but looking back her behavior was textbook BPD.

[Agent_of_Chaos]

I can't give you a why but I can confirm the behavior.   The more committed I became to my exBPDgf the less effort she put into the relationship.   Initially she was an energizer bunny but I saw that slip after the first "I love you."  By the time she had a ring on her finger, she had given up.  She quit wearing the ring, became hostile towards something as simple as eye contact and abandoned personal hygiene.  At the time I made excuses for her (stress, depression, thyroid, hormones) but looking back her behavior was textbook BPD.

Sounds like my X to a tee.  It took me awhile to say: "I love you".  I don't take the expression lightly and so I wanted to be sure.  A few months after that, looking back, our relationship slowly started to change.  I of course was still living in oblivion.  In fact, I was residing there until she left.  I knew something wasn't right I just couldn't put my finger on it.  I said to myself over and over something isn't right, this isn't normal, what more could I do, why doesn't she love me the way I love her.  I too blamed it on her depression and stress.  She had been through a couple jobs, suffered financial woes, and fell on some really hard times.  The final straw was when her car broke down.  I saw the despair and defeat in her eyes.  I kept on trucking, giving, loving, caring, nurturing.   I am still baffled at how many relationships are effected by this illness and yet I was completely in the dark.

[ReluctantSurvivor]

I can't give you a why but I can confirm the behavior.   The more committed I became to my exBPDgf the less effort she put into the relationship.   Initially she was an energizer bunny but I saw that slip after the first "I love you."  By the time she had a ring on her finger, she had given up.  She quit wearing the ring, became hostile towards something as simple as eye contact and abandoned personal hygiene.  At the time I made excuses for her (stress, depression, thyroid, hormones) but looking back her behavior was textbook BPD.

Sounds like my X to a tee.  It took me awhile to say: "I love you".  I don't take the expression lightly and so I wanted to be sure.  A few months after that, looking back, our relationship slowly started to change.  I of course was still living in oblivion.  In fact, I was residing there until she left.  I knew something wasn't right I just couldn't put my finger on it.  I said to myself over and over something isn't right, this isn't normal, what more could I do, why doesn't she love me the way I love her.  I too blamed it on her depression and stress.  She had been through a couple jobs, suffered financial woes, and fell on some really hard times.  The final straw was when her car broke down.  I saw the despair and defeat in her eyes.  I kept on trucking, giving, loving, caring, nurturing.   I am still baffled at how many relationships are effected by this illness and yet I was completely in the dark.

Mine came unravelled over her car as well.  I had been trying to get her to fix or replace it for months.  I had even given it a tune up and replaced alloy wheels on it as needed.  During the final 2 week silent treatment/hunger strike her water pump failed.  This was a catalyst for her unleashing her ferocity and walking away from the r/s.

[hattrick]

Even though I told my ex that I loved her, I didn't do it all the time. When I took her to her fathers (who left when she was 14) grave I told her I would never leave her because I loved her. 2 weeks later she dumped me. Hadnt seen her much in the 2 weeks between.