Hey, itgirl. I had read your post earlier today, but didn't have an opportunity to let you know that I hear your plea for support.
First, wanted to say I am reading that book, too, and also hoping to learn how to detach without being resentful or just an automaton.
I bought the book codependent no more and started today to do the activities.
I have major issues with her leaving me. I have been fine my whole life before her so I do not understand why I cant deal with the thought of her leaving.
I think there are some good things to think about here. I can't recall if you are seeing a T for yourself, but maybe working with someone, if that is a possibility, could help you to gain insight into this question. I know that as I began re-examining my whole life before my uBPDw, I could see that I was stable and working my coping skills, but perhaps not as fine as I thought I was. I am having to work really hard at accepting my own neediness, insecurity and weakness that led me into this RS, and see that really, they have been lifelong traits I developed as a child. So that really sucks. BUT it is helping me to stop repeating these behaviors that have led to so much of my acceptance of responsibility and blame in this RS.
And I think, in turn, that changing myself by just working on even a few boundaries is precipitating some change in my wife's dysregulations. She still has them, but they are not lasting as long. It may all change tomorrow - I know that. Is there anything you have read within the book that has helped you to identify some of your core values, your sacred truths and trusts that cannot be violated?
I also noticed some language that you used about your birthday, which struck me as something I might have said.
Yesterday was my birthday party and she went out of her way to make it super nice. The thing is the night before my party she went out with friends and came home after 4:00 AM. This is very out of th norm for us as we always go out together. I was very upset with that but put my feelings aside as it was my bday.
We had a lovely day and for the first time in months she were affectionate with me.
I think that's kind of the key when we are co-dependent. We learned somewhere, usually within our FOO, to set aside our feelings to get the pay out. It doesn't work. It doesn't work for the people you are trying to get to love you, and it doesn't work for the person that you most need to love you, which is yourself. I often find myself saying, "I wish ... ." that my SO could love me, that she could see how she hurts me and feel sorry about it, that she would stop hurting her children, that she could own her feelings, that she could validate my life and how much I have given to her. Doesn't work that way. Can't make her do any of those things. So now what?
For me, I am learning that I have to be uncomfortably honest with myself, a lot. Give up expecting the pay day. Stop trying for it. And, things are getting a little less ragey and hostile, things are getting a little more liveable, I get a few more moments where I can actually see and remember the girl that I love. Not sure if this is helping you, but I want to let you know that I hear you. "I wish it were otherwise, but mostly, these days, I wish I can love myself enough to not need to enable her illness any longer."
Let us know how you are doing going through this, and this community will be here to support you through whatever comes.
