"apology" letter opinions?

[Hurtbeyondrepair27]

Hi again its been months... but here i am. long story short we moved in together. he proposed... lied found child porn suspicious stuff he explained away. stuck with him he broke up with me anyway multiple times. finally healed guy from work into me... then i get on fb by the way... on an alternative account bc his other ine is blocked


To be honest I've realized I can't nor do I want to live without you. I think the last month or so of our relationship I was overly irritable because I felt incompetent because I was unable to help because I had no job. I felt like every little thing you criticized me on stemmed from that, although I know rationally it wasn't. I'm not writing you to try to win you back. honestly you DO deserve someone who doesn't break your heart so much and can love you with absolute and unyielding love and appreciation and unfortunately I cannot promise that that can be me. I'm weak. I spend too much time conditioning my heart to pain and misery and it is difficult to accept the tremendous love you showed me. I can only hope one day that you can forgive me for all the hurt I've caused you. I needed to tell you how I really feel about you because my heart can never be at peace without you knowing that. I love you so much, oh god i love you. you have no idea and even then i know that it is not even a fraction of the love you felt for me and I can never repay you. you truly are the most amazing and beautiful inwardly and outwardly. i love you

my response:

Im not sure if this is an apology letter an i want you back letter or goodbye letter. callibg would have been better bc inflection. but i dobt think you love me. i used to but i dont anymoreIm not mad or upset iv accepted it. you told me you hated me and didnt love me. i believe you. and youre right i do deserve someone who loves me the same and wants to stick by my side.You said you couldnt even love me a fraction that i loved ajd you never will. you wanted me to let you go so im doing it.You felt you could live without me so.im letting you.

was his letter insincere? how should i feel about this?

[LettingGo14]

was his letter insincere? how should i feel about this?

If "feelings are facts" for pwBPD, his letter may indeed be sincere (in the moment it was written).  But, if his actions in the past contradicted his words, you are correct in questioning.

That said, you asked, "how should I feel about this?"

I ask you, "How do you feel about this?"

There is no "right" way to feel.  We are all on a journey of healing. Recognizing & allowing our feelings -- and going THROUGH those feelings -- is the answer.

[fromheeltoheal]

you DO deserve someone who doesn't break your heart so much

Pfft.  How about someone who doesn't break your heart at all?

I can only hope one day that you can forgive me for all the hurt I've caused you. I needed to tell you how I really feel about you because my heart can never be at peace without you knowing that.

His missive could have been sincere, hard to tell in writing, since as you say you lose inflection, but I get the sense it's a stream of consciousness motivated by shame; he's asking you for forgiveness but he didn't apologize, no 'I'm sorry'; I would have liked something like that from my ex, it would have been an upgrade from constant blame.  It seems he's pretty much laying out for you who he thinks he is, and as you say in your response, you're letting him go.  Done deal, except for the detachment and the lessons.  Take care of you!

[Mr Hollande]

you DO deserve someone who doesn't break your heart so much

Pfft.  How about someone who doesn't break your heart at all?

C'mon, cut the guy some slack. He only broke her heart a little.  

[Hurtbeyondrepair27]

I loved this guy so much. he has literally put me through hell. my story is somewhere on this board. Im done but we were best friends for years before we even got involved. so a part of ne wants this to be real i wish we could be together but i know i cant. he saw the message at 1:13 this morning and didnt respond. do you think it will end here?

[Mr Hollande]

I'm very sorry to hear that HBR. Do forgive the liberties taken by me above your post. It's not for your situation being the least bit funny. I am a cynical old b#st#ard who couldn't help my cynicism at the absurdity of his letter to you.

There are people here who are better at offering practical advice on your situation than I am right now. I can say that you are not alone in your pain and that you have come to the right place to help you get better. You have already taken a giant leap by deciding that you can't be with this toxic person anymore. It may not seem that way now but really it is a huge step towards recovery.

[LettingGo14]

do you think it will end here?

My opinion?  No.  It does not end here.

My thought?  It will end when he no longer has power to hurt you.

I know this is painful.  I, like so many others, suffered it as well.   You say you "wish we could be together, but know I can't"  --- and I know that is the worst pain of all.   That said, we must reclaim ourselves.   Engaging with ex, or hoping for no engagement, does not release us.   We release ourselves in a process of grieving, and through the stages of detachment.

[fromheeltoheal]

do you think it will end here?

In pure borderline, he will continue to see if an attachment is still in place and turn to you when he needs soothing, for whatever is going on with him in the moment.  It may even escalate, called an extinction burst, which is him panicking because you've created more distance than he's used to or comfortable with.  That will continue until he gets the message and gives up, or finds a new attachment, and he may even turn to you when issues with a new attachment show up and he needs soothing for those.

It will end when you end it.  For context, I knew my ex for many years before we were together too, she tried many times to reestablish contact after I left her, and it finally stopped after about 9 months.  Take care of you!

[tim_tom]

All of these letters are coming from men lately, do women ever do it?

Man, I'm dying for something like this. I know it's probably not sincere, and a manipulation but it beats the heck out of coldness and everything being my fault

[Hurtbeyondrepair27]

Miss him. when hes being good to me he is so good. but he lies so much... .i just cant

[fromheeltoheal]

Miss him. when hes being good to me he is so good. but he lies so much... .i just cant

Yeah, mine too, although the good times became fewer and farther between.  Bottom line is someone with an unstable sense of self is unreliable and any emotional state is unsustainable.  I wished it was different but it never will be; gotta go.

Plus, and real friendship is based on mutual trust and respect; you can't trust someone who is always lying, and doing it is disrespectful, even though a borderline wouldn't see it that way, they see it as not having a choice.

I'm sorry you're hurting and miss him; as you slowly shift the focus from him to you and from the past to the future that will fade.  There doesn't seem to be any other way, but the good news is the hardest part is at the beginning.  Take care of you!

[Hurtbeyondrepair27]

How do i not call him right now? emergency help!

[fromheeltoheal]

How do i not call him right now? emergency help!

Shift your focus.  You can do that on your own, by making a list of all the unacceptable crap he pulled and reading it, as many times as necessary.  Or you can shift your focus by going somewhere and spending time with other people, something to divert your attention; take the body and the mind will follow.

One thing that has always worked for me is to go on a mountain bike ride; it's impossible to think of much else when you're hauling ass down a hill trying not to impale yourself.  May not be your thing, but the point is create a distraction until you're thinking clearly again.

[tim_tom]

How do i not call him right now? emergency help!

What my old therapist told me when I was on this fence with my exwife was that she will never change. She won't go to therapy and even if she did, she'd make an excuse to quit rather then deal with her issues. And he was right, she went twice, stormed out in the second session cause she felt the therapist was unprofessional  and that was that.

something to consider... he will likely end up the same guy after he gets you back

ftr... I've had 2 go arounds with these types, they were very different in tactics so much so that I didn't notice the second one at first, but I think combined they have ruined my soul

[Hurtbeyondrepair27]

I talked to him on the phone.bhe said he wants to be with me. and he ll work on changing "but... ." made no effort to see me... ir actually be with me just talked about how he misses me "so much" and how he just needed to tell me that and how hes sure i wouldnt want hin back after the way he has treated me anyway right? he then said he needed to go and i blocked his alternative accounts on fb. he did apologize for ehat he did. now im struggling to not go and see him this morning. he just had wisdom teeth pulled and he us bed ridden. ibwas feeling over him before he messaged me. its like they know. opinions?

[fromheeltoheal]

Uh-oh, now he's got less wisdom?  Kidding... .

At least you got an apology, and we've all been there; you're still enmeshed with him, while you're on the Leaving board, so it's safe to say you're torn?  It is what it is, and if you keep coming here, posting and reading, you'll be getting info and support you didn't have before.  Maybe you'll end up back with him, maybe you'll end it, in any case we're here.  Take care of you!

[purpleavocado]

It sounds almost exactly like the texts I occasionally receive from my ex gf a year and a half later. My therapist says it's just more manipulation, and I agree. He wants to keep you hanging on to a thread of hope. In reality, he wants you to soothe him because he cannot be alone. So he builds you up so it feels good to hear from him in some way- but it's for his own benefit, not because he wants you to feel good.

[Hurtbeyondrepair27]

I jist read this... .i wish i could have read it hefore the last recycle. Makes total sense

[MrConfusedWithItAll]

They come after you when they need you.  When you need them they will laugh at you and comment on how pathetic and weak you are.  Please learn from this.  Break free.

[Hurtbeyondrepair27]

If i went to him i know he would care... its just not sustainable in a ling term romantic relationship.


but yea... his motives are mostly selfish. boo. i want to believe what we had was real  hard to accept otherwise.

[fred6]

All of these letters are coming from men lately, do women ever do it?

Man, I'm dying for something like this. I know it's probably not sincere, and a manipulation but it beats the heck out of coldness and everything being my fault

I know what you mean tim_tom. I sit around depressed doing nothing but playing on my laptop, watching tv, and sleeping. I know that it's over and I know that she's gone. But I also know that I have no proper closure from her and that I miss her, the kids, and that damn cat. I'm following through with NC. But it seems like I'm waiting or hoping for a call, text, or FB message or something. Is this normal?

In reality, I know that I won't hear from her. But it's like I'm living in fantasy land or something. I hope to hell this is just a stage I'm going through. I would hate to think that I'm sitting here next April still waiting for a call that's never coming. :'(

[fromheeltoheal]

I know what you mean tim_tom. I sit around depressed doing nothing but playing on my laptop, watching tv, and sleeping. I know that it's over and I know that she's gone. But I also know that I have no proper closure from her and that I miss her, the kids, and that damn cat. I'm following through with NC. But it seems like I'm waiting or hoping for a call, text, or FB message or something. Is this normal?

In reality, I know that I won't hear from her. But it's like I'm living in fantasy land or something. I hope to hell this is just a stage I'm going through. I would hate to think that I'm sitting here next April still waiting for a call that's never coming. :'(

Yes, it is a phase, and yes, it is normal.  There are no timeframes, but to put numbers on it, I left her with full intention of getting over her quickly and getting on with my life; that phase lasted for a couple of months, until the fog cleared a little and the reality of the trauma I'd endured settled in.  Then I did what you're doing for about 4 months maybe, and then got very angry, at her and at myself, which motivated me to get off my ass and set about fixing my life.  That was 6 months.  Then I noticed progress, started setting goals, and started looking forward instead of back, as she faded into the past.  Life is now very good.  It takes what it takes and you may do it entirely differently, and it's more important to stay in your current emotions than try and put a time on it.  Also, the fact that we don't get closure presents the opportunity to give ourselves that closure, which ends up being more powerful in the end.  Take care of you!

[fred6]

I know what you mean tim_tom. I sit around depressed doing nothing but playing on my laptop, watching tv, and sleeping. I know that it's over and I know that she's gone. But I also know that I have no proper closure from her and that I miss her, the kids, and that damn cat. I'm following through with NC. But it seems like I'm waiting or hoping for a call, text, or FB message or something. Is this normal?

In reality, I know that I won't hear from her. But it's like I'm living in fantasy land or something. I hope to hell this is just a stage I'm going through. I would hate to think that I'm sitting here next April still waiting for a call that's never coming. :'(

Yes, it is a phase, and yes, it is normal.  There are no timeframes, but to put numbers on it, I left her with full intention of getting over her quickly and getting on with my life; that phase lasted for a couple of months, until the fog cleared a little and the reality of the trauma I'd endured settled in.  Then I did what you're doing for about 4 months maybe, and then got very angry, at her and at myself, which motivated me to get off my ass and set about fixing my life.  That was 6 months.  Then I noticed progress, started setting goals, and started looking forward instead of back, as she faded into the past.  Life is now very good.  It takes what it takes and you may do it entirely differently, and it's more important to stay in your current emotions than try and put a time on it.  Also, the fact that we don't get closure presents the opportunity to give ourselves that closure, which ends up being more powerful in the end.  Take care of you!

Well I still lived with her for a couple months after we broke up. I've only been gone 3 weeks tomorrow. And although it seems like I'm expecting her to call, text, or FB message me, I know that she's not going to. I get more pissed off day by day. While at work I find myself day dreaming of payback. Everyone tells me that I have to just let it go and I tell them that "I'm not trying to think about this $hit, it just pops into my head. There is nothing that I can do about it".

I had a dream the other night that I came home to "my" apartment and I found uxBPD and new supply in "my" bed. She said, "We were in the neighborhood and we couldn't wait. You don't mind, do you?" At that point in the dream I said "No I don't mind", then flipped a cigarette into the bed and they went up like they were soaked in gasoline. And I just watched them burn. Then I woke up and I was crying in my sleep. That dream really freaked me out. I'm too old for this $hit!

[bungenstein]

I know what you mean tim_tom. I sit around depressed doing nothing but playing on my laptop, watching tv, and sleeping. I know that it's over and I know that she's gone. But I also know that I have no proper closure from her and that I miss her, the kids, and that damn cat. I'm following through with NC. But it seems like I'm waiting or hoping for a call, text, or FB message or something. Is this normal?

In reality, I know that I won't hear from her. But it's like I'm living in fantasy land or something. I hope to hell this is just a stage I'm going through. I would hate to think that I'm sitting here next April still waiting for a call that's never coming. :'(

Yes, it is a phase, and yes, it is normal.  There are no timeframes, but to put numbers on it, I left her with full intention of getting over her quickly and getting on with my life; that phase lasted for a couple of months, until the fog cleared a little and the reality of the trauma I'd endured settled in.  Then I did what you're doing for about 4 months maybe, and then got very angry, at her and at myself, which motivated me to get off my ass and set about fixing my life.  That was 6 months.  Then I noticed progress, started setting goals, and started looking forward instead of back, as she faded into the past.  Life is now very good.  It takes what it takes and you may do it entirely differently, and it's more important to stay in your current emotions than try and put a time on it.  Also, the fact that we don't get closure presents the opportunity to give ourselves that closure, which ends up being more powerful in the end.  Take care of you!

It was exactly the same for me.

When she left I felt a huge weight of my shoulders, so much relief, I felt great! Then a month or two down the line I began to feel worse and worse, until I was experiencing the most painful period of my life, I was not myself anymore, I had lost interest in everything about life, all I could is focus on how to feel better. It is totally bizarre because I don't understand how I could end up in this state, after all I wanted was to get away from this person that was destroying my life, this person who I dreaded seeing when she came home from work, I expected to be on cloud 9!

[fromheeltoheal]

Well I still lived with her for a couple months after we broke up. I've only been gone 3 weeks tomorrow. And although it seems like I'm expecting her to call, text, or FB message me, I know that she's not going to. I get more pissed off day by day. While at work I find myself day dreaming of payback. Everyone tells me that I have to just let it go and I tell them that "I'm not trying to think about this $hit, it just pops into my head. There is nothing that I can do about it".

I had a dream the other night that I came home to "my" apartment and I found uxBPD and new supply in "my" bed. She said, "We were in the neighborhood and we couldn't wait. You don't mind, do you?" At that point in the dream I said "No I don't mind", then flipped a cigarette into the bed and they went up like they were soaked in gasoline. And I just watched them burn. Then I woke up and I was crying in my sleep. That dream really freaked me out. I'm too old for this $hit!

3 weeks tomorrow is no time at all.  Hang in there, stay here, and the best thing you can do right now is take care of yourself very well; eat right, get some exercise, hydrate, avoid booze and caffeine, sleep enough, keep the stress as low as you can.  You may not feel like it, but do it anyway.

I know anger well.  If the wrong person had said the wrong thing to me during that time, I'd be in jail for sure, and I did turn to booze for a while, which only made the rage more intense.  Fortunately that was a phase that ended, and I avoided a criminal record.

While at work I find myself day dreaming of payback.

Consider this: fear of abandonment is at the core of the disorder, and actual abandonment is the worst thing that could ever happen to a borderline, since it's like ripping out half of her 'self', the good half, since they don't have one of their own and don't like it much.  Plus, it replays that earliest abandonment depression she never went through as a child.

So bottom line, disappearing without a trace, completely severing the attachment, is the best way to hurt a borderline.  I understand the desire for revenge, been there, and it will pass with time, you might even end up developing some compassion for her eventually, since her life is a living hell if she does have this disorder, but for now, enjoy that revenge for all it's worth, it will at least help you not do something you'll regret.  Mine tried to contact me many times after I left, which just made the revenge sweeter, but now I just feel sorry for her; we coulda had somethin great!  But no.  Take care of you!

[fred6]

Well I still lived with her for a couple months after we broke up. I've only been gone 3 weeks tomorrow. And although it seems like I'm expecting her to call, text, or FB message me, I know that she's not going to. I get more pissed off day by day. While at work I find myself day dreaming of payback. Everyone tells me that I have to just let it go and I tell them that "I'm not trying to think about this $hit, it just pops into my head. There is nothing that I can do about it".

I had a dream the other night that I came home to "my" apartment and I found uxBPD and new supply in "my" bed. She said, "We were in the neighborhood and we couldn't wait. You don't mind, do you?" At that point in the dream I said "No I don't mind", then flipped a cigarette into the bed and they went up like they were soaked in gasoline. And I just watched them burn. Then I woke up and I was crying in my sleep. That dream really freaked me out. I'm too old for this $hit!

3 weeks tomorrow is no time at all.  Hang in there, stay here, and the best thing you can do right now is take care of yourself very well; eat right, get some exercise, hydrate, avoid booze and caffeine, sleep enough, keep the stress as low as you can.  You may not feel like it, but do it anyway.

I know anger well.  If the wrong person had said the wrong thing to me during that time, I'd be in jail for sure, and I did turn to booze for a while, which only made the rage more intense.  Fortunately that was a phase that ended, and I avoided a criminal record.

While at work I find myself day dreaming of payback.

Consider this: fear of abandonment is at the core of the disorder, and actual abandonment is the worst thing that could ever happen to a borderline, since it's like ripping out half of her 'self', the good half, since they don't have one of their own and don't like it much.  Plus, it replays that earliest abandonment depression she never went through as a child.

So bottom line, disappearing without a trace, completely severing the attachment, is the best way to hurt a borderline.  I understand the desire for revenge, been there, and it will pass with time, you might even end up developing some compassion for her eventually, since her life is a living hell if she does have this disorder, but for now, enjoy that revenge for all it's worth, it will at least help you not do something you'll regret.  Mine tried to contact me many times after I left, which just made the revenge sweeter, but now I just feel sorry for her; we coulda had somethin great!  But no.  Take care of you!

How can she have abandonment when she just gets new supply before old supply is even gone?

[fromheeltoheal]

How can she have abandonment when she just gets new supply before old supply is even gone?

Exactly.  Think about it: if your biggest fear was that of abandonment, while being convinced it will happen, a continual area of focus, you would hedge your bets by having multiple attachments, so it one leaves, you'd still have the others.  But that doesn't change the fact that the loss of any attachment hurts a borderline to the core, and if they blame themselves the shame will show up, and the new guy gets to deal with all the behaviors that show up as a result.  Better him than you?

Also, a borderline stops developing when they fail to weather the abandonment depression and detach from their primary caregiver, usually mother, the original trauma that created the disorder, so she is literally incapable of connecting with how you feel.  And add the impulsive behavior of promiscuity, done purely to feel better, but creates shame and guilt, inspiring more impulsive behavior, and that is not a safe place to put your emotions, as you probably noticed.

[fred6]

How can she have abandonment when she just gets new supply before old supply is even gone?

Exactly.  Think about it: if your biggest fear was that of abandonment, while being convinced it will happen, a continual area of focus, you would hedge your bets by having multiple attachments, so it one leaves, you'd still have the others.  But that doesn't change the fact that the loss of any attachment hurts a borderline to the core, and if they blame themselves the shame will show up, and the new guy gets to deal with all the behaviors that show up as a result.  Better him than you?

Also, a borderline stops developing when they fail to weather the abandonment depression and detach from their primary caregiver, usually mother, the original trauma that created the disorder, so she is literally incapable of connecting with how you feel.  And add the impulsive behavior of promiscuity, done purely to feel better, but creates shame and guilt, inspiring more impulsive behavior, and that is not a safe place to put your emotions, as you probably noticed.

Well, she's undiagnosed, except by me, . But she did tell me that her mother was an alcoholic and was not around to do much for her and her father would try to juggle taking care of the kids and go to work at the same time. She said that she loved her mom but she didn't like her. When she was 21-22 she took care of her mother when she was dying.

She has depression and anxiety, but quit taking her Zoloft back in April. That's about the time all of this weirdness started. I mean, I know that she's undiagnosed. But is it normal for a person to have a live in boyfriend for 3 years. Says that I'm good to her, take care of her, one of the best relationships of her life, and she loves me. Then quits her job, meds, starts splitting 10+ year friends, her son, and me. Cheats, lies, kicks me out, then after all of that treats me like I abused her and like I don't exist.

I know no one here can diagnose her. But that's not normal behavior is it? Just depression and anxiety doesn't cause all of that to happen does it? They say that BPD cannot be treated by medication. But if someone is comorbid depression/anxiety/BPD and they stop their depression meds, could that trigger BPD somehow? It may be a coincidence, but everything started when she quit her job and Zoloft.

[fromheeltoheal]

I'm sharing standard borderline with you, and if you found your way to this site and stayed, it's a good bet that you read things here you could have written and things are sounding familiar.  None of us can diagnose a mental illness, but traits are traits.

A friend of mine did similar things to what your ex did and it ended up being a midlife crisis; he realized there were fewer days ahead of him than behind him, so he freaked out, bought a red Corvette and started screwing a 20 year old.  Mental illness?  You decide... .