i ran into another one

[redfeather]

Been a very long time since I have been here... recently though I have been "hanging out" with a coworker. She is very attractive, bright, fun, life of party type of girl. She is 35 yes old. Bartends for a living. We recently began like I said sspending time together.

Come to find out she has not only a drinking problem but a cocaine problem AND a very real problem with sleeping with many married men and also a few women too.According to her she has never had a long-term relationship over one year and she is 35.She is possibly the most self absorbed woman I have ever known. Presently she is sleeping with her married boss and 2 other married men. One who left his wife for her.

I watch and learn... but the odd thing for me is even after having been through the trauma of beinginvolved  with a BPD I won'tget involved rromantically but I sure do want up on the horse!

I think for myself I will always at least have the desire to be with these women but know the price is too high. Maybe its jjust a personal defect that i have. or perhaps I miss the iintensity .

[ReluctantSurvivor]

The allure is like a drug habit.  Considering that interacting with a BPD in tge good phases stimulates the same receptors in the brain as highly addictive drugs it makes sense.  Add to that the natural desires of a testosterone driven male and they make a very tempting vice.

I'm not telling you what to do, you stated very well you know that it is "playing with fire."

I'd have trouble not going back for a few laps myself if the opportunity arose.  Be careful out there.

[redfeather]

Thank you  I am a female  but I still have a desire to get involved even though I can plainly see she is not only a train wreck but a sucking vortex of doom. Though I know this... .what I learned here about  the disorder and how you can never win against it has kept me sidelined.

[ReluctantSurvivor]

Ah sorry about the assumption.  It is crazy how BPD manifests as something so entrancing but so destructive.  I suppose the sugar coating has to exist to hide the bitter pill, otherwise no one would take it.

[Blimblam]

Ah sorry about the assumption.  It is crazy how BPD manifests as something so entrancing but so destructive.  I suppose the sugar coating has to exist to hide the bitter pill, otherwise no one would take it.

In the begining they give themselves away whole heartedly to be loved. At lest my ex did I have never ever experienced something so authentic and pure ever.  Deep down you know it's true and this is why it hurts so badly.

[redfeather]

Thank you both for responding. The other night we joined some other service iindustry people out for drinks... .we rode together in the back seat of car and she was holding my hands,rubbing on my back,whispering in my ear and I was fired up!

We get to the bar and inside she is sitting on my lap. I can tell she is not too pleased that the "bait" so to speak is not working. I can see some narcissm at play here on my end but to be honest I could also see the doors of the tilt a whirl BPD fun house opening up. And I  am using hhumor here to make light of a serious situation but I wasn'thaving none of it.

[Blimblam]

She sounds like she has a lot of issues. Like she has some possibly narc and or histrionic traits. The siren possibly queen subtype.  Please tread carefully and think of you have to lose. I believe the more queen and the more siren they are the more they have shut them self off from empathy.

[redfeather]

Thanks I would agree about the narc/queen traits... the other night she was telling me about a new lesbian who was amazingly like me... I mean she went into great detail aabout how very similar we are And knowing what I_know I could tell why she was doing it... but I ddidn't react accordingly. I knew she was trying to push a button but she got nowhere.

Its odd to me that my logical mind gets she isn't who she presents at all... yes she maybe vvery high functioning at her job... she is a coke head,emotionally stunted without any empathy for others but a part of me finds her attention attractive?

That is my issue...

[Blimblam]

Thanks I would agree about the narc/queen traits... the other night she was telling me about a new lesbian who was amazingly like me... I mean she went into great detail aabout how very similar we are And knowing what I_know I could tell why she was doing it... but I ddidn't react accordingly. I knew she was trying to push a button but she got nowhere.

Its odd to me that my logical mind gets she isn't who she presents at all... yes she maybe vvery high functioning at her job... she is a coke head,emotionally stunted without any empathy for others but a part of me finds her attention attractive?

That is my issue...

Yes it sounds like she is baiting you. I think someone like you is sexy.  This sounds extremely manipulative and dangerous.

I am glad you recognize this your issue.

Please do not be offended but I am going to generalize a bit here.  I want to state that I align with feminist ideals in the historical sense.

Women tend to find narc traits attractive as it portrays confidence and self being self assured. Which is a reflection of what we may find is missing in ourselves. This triggers the animus archetype within you on an unconcious level so you see these parts of yourself in her that you identify with and find attractive. 

How does her attention make you feel?

[redfeather]

As attractive as she is physically? It makes me feel very good. No lie. I know she is attempting to bait me but its not working.  I would agree that narcissistic traits to a degree are attractive... Here they are not. She seems to think Iam llocked into to her bull crap.

But I am not. What I am seeing is that part of me that LOVES the aattention from such a desired woman, I know this has aa lot to do with me

[Blimblam]

As attractive as she is physically? It makes me feel very good. No lie. I know she is attempting to bait me but its not working.  I would agree that narcissistic traits to a degree are attractive... Here they are not. She seems to think Iam llocked into to her bull crap.

But I am not. What I am seeing is that part of me that LOVES the aattention from such a desired woman, I know this has aa lot to do with me

I am glad you are so self aware this is your best defense. I bet she sees you sitting on the fence so for her this has become a game. Only you can decide to stop playing.

I personally find narc traits in women unattractive but a waify submissive type with good looks and I have a very hard time resisting.

Have you enforced boundaries with her?

[redfeather]

And I think Blimblam that is the key... meaning I will never 100% stop my attraction to this type of female... she represents to me a feminine construct I will never myself possess. Hyper feminine but actually more masculine than I will ever be ... so knowing I have that need to be desired by someone who represents a feminine ideal iI will never have ,my ego possibly thinks well if you can'tbeat them then go get you one to date!  So it perhaps speaks to a feeling of inadequacy I have as a woman... I can see the truth in that.

So the only way to stop it is to not play the game...

[Blimblam]

And I think Blimblam that is the key... meaning I will never 100% stop my attraction to this type of female... she represents to me a feminine construct I will never myself possess. Hyper feminine but actually more masculine than I will ever be ... so knowing I have that need to be desired by someone who represents a feminine ideal iI will never have ,my ego possibly thinks well if you can'tbeat them then go get you one to date!  So it perhaps speaks to a feeling of inadequacy I have as a woman... I can see the truth in that.

So the only way to stop it is to not play the game...

I wouldn't say inadequacy at all just how perhaps you would like to see yourself.

I think this is the string she is plucking with you is this self perception of inadequacy when in fact this masculine energy exists within you and the desire for her is the desire to reconnect to this part of your own self.

[redfeather]

I am going to think on this tonight... I am perceived as masculine but I am not really. She plays a part that I own if you understand.  To the world she is an ideal( perceived granted) of how a woman should look... I am not. But of all the women who approach me if they are attractive but healthy I have no interest... .Hot and seemingly well put together but with glaring emotional, substance, behavioral problems? Well save me a seat!