Why BPDs never "end" a r/s

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

A borderline never " ends" a r/s.  They leave for another.  They do none of the in between work of honest communication and appropriate closure.

They never "end" a r/s and they will never leave a r/s unless they have already begun a new r/s. And have a safe place to land.

This is why they recycle. This is actually "how" they can recycle. Bc they have not ended the former r/s due to abandonment fears. And shame. Which, ironically is why they pushed US away and abandoned us.

We do and did matter to them.  This is preciously why the d/o was triggered.  We were valued and mattered.  But the disorder exists to deny itself.

Remember that always.

They will cling and bcome frantic that you may leave them. The disorder really kicks in when the splitting begins.  And they will always leave you first. Often with no warning. While you are ambushed with hurt and confusion and struggling to continue to prove your commitment and love for them.

They will leave you. Before you can leave them.

And they often do just this. Leaving devastated and heartbroken and angry and anxiety ridden partners behind.

Including me.

So much of this is why we are here.  Its beyond logic and beyond heartbreaking. And confounding bc they go back to r/s"s they assured you were dead. Or begin entirely new ones.

Blind sighting you.

It is said we are only as healthy as the r/s we are in.

A r/s w a pBPD will bring forth a great deal of fan emotions , esp on this board.  Anger, hurt, condescension, blame, heartache, despair.   The list goes on And all of these fan emotions are well recognized as very realistic to the detachment and the horrific ordeal we have endured.

But here's the most important part of this entire, painful, heartbreaking process.

Its what lies underneath these fan emotions that is the real understanding. 

Not of them. 

Of us.

And, that reflection, acceptance, and work will be what protects you from a disordered r/s ever again. The amount of time we stay in this place of often very painful inner work will dictate the health of all our future r/s.

Some ppl ignore this part of the process entirely and stay in the fan emotions indefinitely.  And repeat unhealthy r/s patterns.  Then ask why does this keep happening to me?

Some ppl stay in the process just long enough to begin to understand, but codependency kicks as they feel too uncomfortable alone in their being. Too unnatural. Often, another unhealthy r/s will follow.

So many of us, including myself, have asked why.  Why did this ordeal happen to me? Why am I suffering so much? Why? When will this awful hurt stop?

Stay inside.  Stay in your place. Stay there and learn. And accept. And accept. Forgive yourself.  And accept. And then... .heal.

Then you can fully give the d/o and all others unhealthy r/s patterns back.  Where they belong.

[Caredverymuch]

A borderline never " ends" a r/s.  They leave for another.  They do none of the in between work of honest communication and appropriate closure.

They never "end" a r/s and they will never leave a r/s unless they have already begun a new r/s. And have a safe place to land.

This is why they recycle. This is actually "how" they can recycle. Bc they have not ended the former r/s due to abandonment fears. And shame. Which, ironically is why they pushed US away and abandoned us.

We do and did matter to them.  This is preciously why the d/o was triggered.  We were valued and mattered.  But the disorder exists to deny itself.

Remember that always.

They will cling and bcome frantic that you may leave them. The disorder really kicks in when the splitting begins.  And they will always leave you first. Often with no warning. While you are ambushed with hurt and confusion and struggling to continue to prove your commitment and love for them.

They will leave you. Before you can leave them.

And they often do just this. Leaving devastated and heartbroken and angry and anxiety ridden partners behind.

Including me.

So much of this is why we are here.  Its beyond logic and beyond heartbreaking. And confounding bc they go back to r/s"s they assured you were dead. Or begin entirely new ones.

Blind sighting you.

It is said we are only as healthy as the r/s we are in.

A r/s w a pBPD will bring forth a great deal of fan emotions , esp on this board.  Anger, hurt, condescension, blame, heartache, despair.   The list goes on And all of these fan emotions are well recognized as very realistic to the detachment and the horrific ordeal we have endured.

But here's the most important part of this entire, painful, heartbreaking process.

Its what lies underneath these fan emotions that is the real understanding. 

Not of them. 

Of us.

And, that reflection, acceptance, and work will be what protects you from a disordered r/s ever again. The amount of time we stay in this place of often very painful inner work will dictate the health of all our future r/s.

Some ppl ignore this part of the process entirely and stay in the fan emotions indefinitely.  And repeat unhealthy r/s patterns.  Then ask why does this keep happening to me?

Some ppl stay in the process just long enough to begin to understand, but codependency kicks as they feel too uncomfortable alone in their being. Too unnatural. Often, another unhealthy r/s will follow.

So many of us, including myself, have asked why.  Why did this ordeal happen to me? Why am I suffering so much? Why? When will this awful hurt stop?

Stay inside.  Stay in your place. Stay there and learn. And accept. And accept. Forgive yourself.  And accept. And then... .heal.

Then you can fully give the d/o and all others unhealthy r/s patterns back.  Where they belong.

[Skip]

A borderline never " ends" a r/s.  They leave for another.

I'm don't think we can make this generalization.  

We have member cases here where this is not what happened.  And there are many other cases where another person was involved but they were temporary respite.  

And there are also many cases of starting another relationship before ending the last, as you say.

I do think it is fair to say that people with BPD traits are inclined to run from problems rather than fix them -  they may be too sensitive or too weak to have their contribution to a relationship haunting the relationship and chose instead walk away.

[drummerboy]

I agree, mine didn't end it for another r/s, In fact she went underground for 6 months and went NC on all her friends.

Also, what's a "fan emotion"?

A borderline never " ends" a r/s.  They leave for another.

I'm don't think we can make this generalization.

[shellbent]

A borderline never " ends" a r/s.  They leave for another. 

I'm don't think we can make this generalization.

Yes at first I was a replacement for my ex. She was so attracted to me, that she left her ex only two weeks after we started talking. She left a 6 year relationship, and she had basically gotten to her emptiest state. She was in a new workplace, no friends, and her boyfriend who was not satisfying in many aspects. (by her a bad guy)

She kicked him out of the apartment, so I'm pretty sure that she was being honest about it, we waited until he moved out completely. Then she cut him off.

It only took 4 months for them to become FB friends again. Who knows if she or he reached out. She wanted to recycle him after she felt abandonment from me.

Later told me, that he wasn't over her and she was done with him. Clearly it was the other way around.

Since we broke up she has been so full of energy and the middle of attention, as now she is much more confident to talk to people and she has clicks now, all what she was hoping for. How people should realize her worth. I don't think she will ever try to recycle me. She has shown no interest in talking to me, and also is currently triangulating with a lot of people. It would take something huge in her life to get her to do a paradigm shift.

It is all about what they think they need. She needs to be around people constantly, she has no sense of self-worth, she needs people to keep reassuring this to her, otherwise she does not recognize herself among the shadows.

For some reason what she needs is to not need me.

[MrConfusedWithItAll]

One week my ex was texting me she loved me.  The next week she texted me it was over - she had found another.  Two weeks after that she texted me she loved me but we weren't right together blah blah.  Now she will text or call once or twice a week. Each day that I remain with NC I gain a little more self respect.  Each day I read posts on this board and gain a little more understanding.  Each day I move a little closer to freedom.  Each day I wonder more and more why I ever allowed myself to become involved in such a r/s.

[Caredverymuch]

A borderline never " ends" a r/s.  They leave for another.

I'm don't think we can make this generalization.

Yes at first I was a replacement for my ex. She was so attracted to me, that she left her ex only two weeks after we started talking. She left a 6 year relationship, and she had basically gotten to her emptiest state. She was in a new workplace, no friends, and her boyfriend who was not satisfying in many aspects. (by her a bad guy)

She kicked him out of the apartment, so I'm pretty sure that she was being honest about it, we waited until he moved out completely. Then she cut him off.

It only took 4 months for them to become FB friends again. Who knows if she or he reached out. She wanted to recycle him after she felt abandonment from me.

My point.   Perhaps it is a generalization but a mature ending to a r/s has steps.  Has respect. Has a path that usually is somewhat well understood by both partners.  Even though it can be painful, there is generally a clearer path that provides closure.  And once the door is closed mutually, the r/s " ends."

That doesn't seem to the case, perhaps not always, but often.  It is an attachment d/o and ppl are often attachments, that they revisit in recycling.  

[fred6]

Mine said, "it's over" and "we're not together anymore" plenty of times while I was still living there. While that may technically be ending the relationship. The business end of ending the relationship wasn't dealt with. Kind of like, you can say dinner is over when you get up and walk away from the table. However, until you take your dishes into the kitchen and put them in the dishwasher. Dinner isn't really finalized. Maybe the proper vernacular is that pwBPD rarely finalizes a r/s before leaving for another. Now why they do this is still a mystery to me... .

[drummerboy]

My theory on this very good question is that like a small child, they do not have the emotional maturity or the empathy to really understand what they are doing. My ex was the most self absorbed person I've ever met so the thought that her actions might have a major effect on me would never enter her head, all she ever thinks about is HER!Everything is from her perspective. Mature people have the ability to understand that their actions might hurt another person, not so with a small child.

Mine said, "it's over" and "we're not together anymore" plenty of times while I was still living there. While that may technically be ending the relationship. The business end of ending the relationship wasn't dealt with. Kind of like, you can say dinner is over when you get up and walk away from the table. However, until you take your dishes into the kitchen and put them in the dishwasher. Dinner isn't really finalized. Maybe the proper vernacular is that pwBPD rarely finalizes a r/s before leaving for another. Now why they do this is still a mystery to me... .

[fred6]

My theory on this very good question is that like a small child, they do not have the emotional maturity or the empathy to really understand what they are doing. My ex was the most self absorbed person I've ever met so the thought that her actions might have a major effect on me would never enter her head, all she ever thinks about is HER!Everything is from her perspective. Mature people have the ability to understand that their actions might hurt another person, not so with a small child.

I get that angle of it. However, after we broke up but while I was still living there. In other words, ground zero hell. This was the time where she would avoid me, not answer any questions about what happened(I knew she was cheating, but she didn't know that I knew yet), and rarely acknowledged my physical existence. I tried to talk to her a few times about her actions toward me. I told her that "I know that we have broken up and that I am moving out at my earliest convenience, but you don't have to treat me like you hate me". The best reply that she could come up with was, "what do you want me to say? This is who I am!"

I don't even know how to interpret that answer. I mean, even children would understand, "You're hurting me, please stop". Don't they?

[shellbent]

Mine said, "it's over" and "we're not together anymore" plenty of times while I was still living there. While that may technically be ending the relationship. The business end of ending the relationship wasn't dealt with. Kind of like, you can say dinner is over when you get up and walk away from the table. However, until you take your dishes into the kitchen and put them in the dishwasher. Dinner isn't really finalized. Maybe the proper vernacular is that pwBPD rarely finalizes a r/s before leaving for another. Now why they do this is still a mystery to me... .

What I learned from my pwBPDex was she was very polite and tried to be kind, when dumping me. Wow doesn't that sounds awesome? At first I was hurt that she wouldn't talk about what issues she was having. I did realize that I pushed her to break up with me though. I was really stressed out and also in a pretty bad place is in some way I took responsibility. I quickly took care of my problems and was on a path to getting better physically, emotionally etc. She could tell I was doing a lot of internal work, but it really doesn't matter what type of person we are, they get attracted to what is familiar to them, and a lot of times they can ignore flaws during idealization. She completely forgot the great moments we shared and that in contrast to her exes I was always put above them in many aspects.

My ex has a crazy, jealous, controlling best friend who also painted me black for some reason. I don't know her really well, but she was really friendly right when my ex was becoming magnetized by me. After a while in our relationship though she started treating me like I didn't exist.

So my lesson is, you're doomed if you show the pwBPD too much emotions, if you love them, that will create doubt in their mind about what you are trying to get out of them. That is how it seems they view people or relationships. Also they have serious shame ans anxiety about their selves. They have no self-worth and if you love them, they think something must be wrong with you. Even though all they want is to be loved, but is love for them based on needing someone to survive?

Or how would they define love? All these emotions seem to be overwhelming them, I truly believe that my ex wanted to give me the answers to my questions.

All I wanted was to know why she had to bail and not talk. She was too ashamed to fess up to her thoughts or more likely feelings (shame).She wanted to tell me what and how she was feeling, but I seriously doubt that she knew. It was her early feelings of neglect and intermittent love or callous treatment. She seems so distant now, just like a person I used to know, the hardest part is feeling like that person is dead and never coming back. She loved to mirror me and we both felt so alive, looking at her I can tell she was the happiest of her life and hasn't been that happy since, maybe that has got to be in the back of her mind maybe once every blue moon.

All she knew is that she associated me with those who had hurt her and she was trying to defend herself the only way she could. I guess the only thing worse would have been if she told me never to talk to her again. She never is interested in how I am doing.

The last time she thanked me for getting her a cookie at lunch in the office.

I told her (maybe it's cheesy) that I always want to see her smile.

This is true I have been punished long enough for causing her pain. She is acting so cold and distant that all of her behavior has awaken a lot of hidden abandonment fears in me. I don't think she understands the pain I am going through.

[hurting300]

Mine did not say anything. She just disappeared.

[Algae]

Mine did not say anything. She just disappeared.

Mines done that 3-4 times.  Guess it's normal with BPDs

[hurting300]

Mine did not say anything. She just disappeared.

Mines done that 3-4 times.  Guess it's normal with BPDs

yeah but I bet yours at least called within six months

[Algae]

Mine did not say anything. She just disappeared.

Mines done that 3-4 times.  Guess it's normal with BPDs

yeah but I bet yours at least called within six months

True.  Calls back crying every 4 months

[hurting300]

Mine did not say anything. She just disappeared.

Mines done that 3-4 times.  Guess it's normal with BPDs

yeah but I bet yours at least called within six months

True.  Calls back crying every 4 months

actually, Mine did stalk me... so it's not all a loss

[Algae]

Mine did not say anything. She just disappeared.

Mines done that 3-4 times.  Guess it's normal with BPDs

yeah but I bet yours at least called within six months

True.  Calls back crying every 4 months

actually, Mine did stalk me... so it's not all a loss

Mine usually ends up stalking me around the 3rd month.  This time though I see no signs of stalking.  She just replaced me and it feels like shes up on a high horse laughing away like she did nothing wrong and doesnt care.

[hurting300]

Mine did not say anything. She just disappeared.

Mines done that 3-4 times.  Guess it's normal with BPDs

yeah but I bet yours at least called within six months

Mine did the drive by's . I do expect her to contact me. How can she not we have a kid.

True.  Calls back crying every 4 months

actually, Mine did stalk me... so it's not all a loss

Mine usually ends up stalking me around the 3rd month.  This time though I see no signs of stalking.  She just replaced me and it feels like shes up on a high horse laughing away like she did nothing wrong and doesnt care.

[hurting300]

Mine does the drive by's but don't call. It's creepy. I do expect something Damn it's been six months. we have a kid 

[Bak86]

Mine said, "it's over" and "we're not together anymore" plenty of times while I was still living there. While that may technically be ending the relationship. The business end of ending the relationship wasn't dealt with. Kind of like, you can say dinner is over when you get up and walk away from the table. However, until you take your dishes into the kitchen and put them in the dishwasher. Dinner isn't really finalized. Maybe the proper vernacular is that pwBPD rarely finalizes a r/s before leaving for another. Now why they do this is still a mystery to me... .

What I learned from my pwBPDex was she was very polite and tried to be kind, when dumping me. Wow doesn't that sounds awesome? At first I was hurt that she wouldn't talk about what issues she was having. I did realize that I pushed her to break up with me though. I was really stressed out and also in a pretty bad place is in some way I took responsibility. I quickly took care of my problems and was on a path to getting better physically, emotionally etc. She could tell I was doing a lot of internal work, but it really doesn't matter what type of person we are, they get attracted to what is familiar to them, and a lot of times they can ignore flaws during idealization. She completely forgot the great moments we shared and that in contrast to her exes I was always put above them in many aspects.

My ex has a crazy, jealous, controlling best friend who also painted me black for some reason. I don't know her really well, but she was really friendly right when my ex was becoming magnetized by me. After a while in our relationship though she started treating me like I didn't exist.

So my lesson is, you're doomed if you show the pwBPD too much emotions, if you love them, that will create doubt in their mind about what you are trying to get out of them. That is how it seems they view people or relationships. Also they have serious shame ans anxiety about their selves. They have no self-worth and if you love them, they think something must be wrong with you. Even though all they want is to be loved, but is love for them based on needing someone to survive?

Or how would they define love? All these emotions seem to be overwhelming them, I truly believe that my ex wanted to give me the answers to my questions.

All I wanted was to know why she had to bail and not talk. She was too ashamed to fess up to her thoughts or more likely feelings (shame).She wanted to tell me what and how she was feeling, but I seriously doubt that she knew. It was her early feelings of neglect and intermittent love or callous treatment. She seems so distant now, just like a person I used to know, the hardest part is feeling like that person is dead and never coming back. She loved to mirror me and we both felt so alive, looking at her I can tell she was the happiest of her life and hasn't been that happy since, maybe that has got to be in the back of her mind maybe once every blue moon.

All she knew is that she associated me with those who had hurt her and she was trying to defend herself the only way she could. I guess the only thing worse would have been if she told me never to talk to her again. She never is interested in how I am doing.

The last time she thanked me for getting her a cookie at lunch in the office.

I told her (maybe it's cheesy) that I always want to see her smile.

This is true I have been punished long enough for causing her pain. She is acting so cold and distant that all of her behavior has awaken a lot of hidden abandonment fears in me. I don't think she understands the pain I am going through.

This post seems so familiar to me. Did we date the same girl?