I'll be blunt... My BPDmom died last month and it's a huge relief

[SnoopyDelilah]

Hi everyone,

What an experience it has been! But I did the right thing and took care of her and we did hospice at home with me being the only caregiver except for hospice visits a few times a week.  She was 68, bladder cancer. It's always been my biggest fear (being expected to take care of this hateful and undeserving person) but it worked out great.  She was so happy to have me there and I was ultimately un-disowned, all interlopers were now disowned and we were really good at the end. Many were surprised I would even talk to her considering the atrocities.

I am happy to report that so many validators came out of the woodwork to tell me, ":)on't worry.  We knew she was crazy and we knew she was a terrible mother to you.  We didn't believe her lies about you and you are now free of this." Even her therapist (who couldn't really help her because she'd always stop going when T would speak the hard truth) THREW the validation all over me by telling me she confronted her about the abuse, poor-decision making, shunnings and interlopers, etc. And everyone was so happy for me that I could get it cleaned up and I don't have to spend the rest of my life devastated over the injustice and going to the darkest of places.

I'll share something funny that happened when I was going through her things. (But, wow, a lot of NOT funny was found as well. So many ugly lies about me. Frustrating.)... .

The medical equipment company picked up their things last year when she no longer needed them but they forgot to take the wheelchair. They called about it later and she said she didn't know where it was.  She thought this was hilarious; stealing a wheelchair.  Whatever.  Going through her things I found the rental info and I called them:

Me: My mom just died and I have some property of yours in the house if you want to pick it up.

Medical Lady: Let me check the notes... .It says here customer said, "My DAWTUH stole the wheelchair."

Me: Of course she said that!  Well I have it here and it's never been used so come on by.

So, really, what more does anyone need to know about my mom than this wheelchair story?  Perfect.

I've spent time this past year searching these boards for anyone talking about their troublesome person's death (and being completely relieved by it) and it's not a common topic. I just spent 8 weeks with her, away from my family, and I was as nice and caring as I could be at the end but I never shed one tear. However, my chicken died while I was there and let me tell you about tears! So the truth is, and everyone can see it in my demeanor (What did you do? You look fabulous!) that I'm really excited to start this new chapter without the terror of a phone call. My family does not have to worry what condition I'll be in when they get home each day. I've been waiting for this for years and I feel no regret. She absolutely hated her life and she tried to make us hate ours too. We are all in a better place now.

I wanted to share all this because I think it's safe here to speak of something so taboo and many of you really helped me when I was in the depths of it. 

Thanks again to you all!

[Cassy]

I hear you. I completely understand you. Sometimes you can feel nothing but relief.

[coldNheartless]

Wow, THANK YOU. Firstly you have  a great sense of humor!

I feel like I have been trying to forge a relationship with her because I will feel horrible when she dies and I haven't fixed things. Im relieved for you and hope I can experience you bliss (one day).

[mommasa]

I understand how you feel and I hope you are enjoying the peace!

[Angelanne]

Your subject title caught my attention and thank you for sharing your feelings. I'm glad that you feel relief and can go on with your life. I'm glad the last of your time with her was better than life with her. That's really something that you went to take care of her during her last days.

I hope I don't have to do the caregiver thing with mine though. I feel terrible writing that. I believe I'll be relieved when my uBPD/NPD mother goes on. I've felt awful about feeling that way.

@Freckle-dog

I feel the same way. Like I've got to try to fix the relationship and get peace with her so I won't feel guilty and horrible when she's gone.

[franniej]

 Hi!

Totally understand, unfortunately.  Daddy died a number of years ago - I remember vividly one of my brothers' comment about mother before the funeral service started.  He looked at us and said what a shame it is that no one will feel this way when "she" goes.  All we could do was nod quietly in total agreement.  She's slowly but surely destroying any semblance of decency left in all of us, at least where she is concerned.

I remember someone years ago talking about how her mother left this world with her middle finger firmly in the air.  She had a tremendous sense of relief that it was really OVER and she'd never be tormented by her mother again.

[SnoopyDelilah]

Angelanne and Freckle-dog,

I didn't do it because I was afraid I would feel guilty if I didn't... .I've always known it wasn't my fault and that she couldn't maintain a relationship with anyone.  I did it because if, God forbid, she would have died on a "bad day," meaning during one of the numerous shunnings and hatefests directed our way, I shudder to think of how I could have survived the pain of such massive rejection. To know that the Interlopers convinced her to "pick them" instead of me, her ONLY family member, and for no other reason than they were scammers preying upon a woman as lonely as my mother, would have destroyed me.

So I kind of was for sale. I had an undeniable need to clear my name and show the world that I am a kind human being. She did not earn the caring end I helped provide.  I did it for me, selfishly I suppose, because she apologized, wholeheartedly, for everything. "I love you, S.D., I do. I love you so much." 

[boatingwoman]

En dad died about two years ago and even that lessened the chaos.  I loved endad and miss him, but I do NOT miss all the drama of having a person who tried to continually soothe things over to keep his little world as peaceful as possible FOR HIM. 

So I can see how you feel unburdened.  Good for you-- congratulations! 

BW

[RubyTuesday]

Your feelings are completely understandable to me.  I am hoping for the same relief before I am too old to enjoy it.  I am an only child so the struggle between my mental health and my obligations as a daughter feed into guilt over wanting peace.

I am doing much better with this, however.  Enjoy your life and be happy!

[ShadesofGray]

THANK YOU for having the guts to say what only children of a pwBPD/NPD would so understand... .and so need to hear!    

Enjoy the free feeling of having the weight lifted. Peace and happiness to you!

My parents are getting "to that age", and I have worried that if I go to my uBPD/NPDm's funeral, that I won't cry and that will make me look like a btch. (If you knew me, you'd laugh. Shades of gray? Btch?) I've often pictured myself at her funeral, feeling NOTHING. How sad is that. Just emptiness. And I wouldn't feel guilty.

Darn, why is it so freaking taboo? We'd all be so much healthier if it weren't!

Reminds me of one time I was having a friendly conversation with a woman on the train, and she kept asking about where my family lives, etc. Her face went down to the floor when I told her that I wasn't close with my parents. Of course I got insecure thinking she was judging ME. It's about time people in today's society quit doing that and think that maybe WE are the victims here instead of that we're bad children who don't appreciate our parents... . 

[Hello Kitty]

SD   

Thank you for posting this, I'm coming to understand how my DH feels now that his BPD-NPD mom is in the process of dying (pancreatic cancer) and why he's basically ignoring all the crap from the past.  For me, it's not as easy, she's not my mother and if she weren't DH's mother, I'd have absolutely nothing to do with her - but alas, here we are, now helping her all.the.time with everything from getting her to chemo to making sure all the bills are paid; however we've hired round-the-clock care (she won't consent to hospice) since neither of us can be her full-time caregiver.  I can only imagine the strength it took for you to do that for your mother, it's stregth I know I don't have toward my MIL.

A couple of weeks ago I posted about how I felt badly that I actually feel relief she's going to die and slowly but surely, I have come to accept it isn't a bad feeling to have - it may be "taboo" to admit it in our culture, but really, why?  Is it to make me/us feel guilty that we're seeing the light at the end of the tunnel?  Even within myself, I still do feel the pangs of guilt when I realize that I'm not going to be sad when she dies - well, not for her passing; I know I'll be sad for DH, he's having a hard time with this.

The validation from others has started here - it is sadly amusing in some ways, especially when those who you didn't realize previously held opinions of you that were negative from the pwBPD/NPD blackening you to them.  I'm actually surprised by some of the people who have said something because I didn't realize just how many people MIL talked to about me!

[scotlandthebrave]

She absolutely hated her life and she tried to make us hate ours too. We are all in a better place now.

This is exactly how I felt when my uBPDbf died over a year ago and I still firmly believe this.

[Weird Fishes]

However, my chicken died while I was there and let me tell you about tears!

I'm not making light of you or anything, but I find this sentence hilariously surreal.


(plus chickens are awesome)

[allergictodramaSD]

However, my chicken died while I was there and let me tell you about tears!

I'm not making light of you or anything, but I find this sentence hilariously surreal.

(plus chickens are awesome)

Amen to all of the above. Also, when one is in the middle of an extremely complicated emotional situation, I think it sometimes helps to have something one can feel a single, uncomplicated emotion about, and let it out. 

SnoopyDelilah, I'm glad the situation worked out as well as it could for both you and your mother.  Sometimes, when we've kept to reasonable boundaries and protected ourselves without seeking to harm the person who has done us harm, it does work out, even to the point of what we feel is "selfish" (i.e. self-protecting/affirming) and what others see as selfless being the same thing.  And sometimes, of course, it all blows up or remains a complete mess anyway, but it's nice when things work out well.  Either way, you did what you had to do to protect yourself, and you did what you could, while maintaining those boundaries, to protect and care for your mother, and the result -- including the relief you feel at not having to deal with her distorted thinking and FOG and all the other assorted BPD detritus -- was good.  Enjoy the relief   

[SnoopyDelilah]

Chickens ARE awesome, yes!

So I had to put together some kind of service but there weren't enough people to warrant anything fancy so we had bagels and lox and beer at her house.  Eight people came and I couldn't even remotely pretend to be grieving.  Everyone knew my situation and how difficult my mom was so I didn't worry about it too much.  People continued to comfort me about my poor chicken believe it or not and were happy for me that my husband would be flying out the next week to help me finish things up and drive the 2000 miles home in my son's "new" car.  She never cared about her grandson but she did want him to have the car, which was pretty cool. 

May I point out that so many of her "friends" had stuck around because she routinely changed her will to include new and random people, and gave them copies, so they felt compelled to be nice to her.

The lesson I remember every day:  May I be a nice and friendly person to people and animals, smile and pass out hula hoops, and hopefully people will not talk about renting my house and dead chickens at my funeral.

Thanks again everyone.  I was so amazed to find you all and see I wasn't alone.

[allergictodramaSD]

So I had to put together some kind of service but there weren't enough people to warrant anything fancy so we had bagels and lox and beer at her house.

Sounds like some sort of a hybrid between an Irish wake and sitting shiva.  I don't know much about sitting shiva, but (at least as I understand it), wakes go one of two ways: people tell funny/endearing/loving stories about the dead person and cry a bit and laugh even more, or people have a hell of a party in response to or in spite of the deceased's death.  Sounds as if yours leaned more in the second direction, with a bit of logistical practicalities mixed in.  Come to think of it, a wake may be the ultimate revenge on a narcissist (and many of our pwBPD seem to have a narcissistic streak): the less truly liked they were, the less they will actually be the center of attention at their own wake (even if, as in one case I witnessed, they are propped up in a coffin at one end of the room). 

[broccoli girl]

May I be a nice and friendly person to people and animals, smile and pass out hula hoops, and hopefully people will not talk about renting my house and dead chickens at my funeral.

This is perhaps the most awesome thing I've read in a long time. ... .yay... .  funny, accurate and wise!

I am terrified of my BPD mother dying... .but also anxious for it to happen.  She has a lot of health problems and in recent months I have begun thinking that it would be wonderful if it happened quickly: for her and for me.  Sometimes I think that this is just an easy way out.  B/c I'm not ready to go no contact or to really stand up to her, death seems like the easiest thing.

My mother drinks a bottle of scotch every 4 or 5 days, and downs codeine pills all day long.  But, she comes from hardy Scottish ancestry, so who knows how long one can keep that kind of thing up!

Anyway, thanks for posting.  I learned a lot from your note!

[Gowest]

I'm sorry about your chicken.  

Terrible, but I know my sister will be the one to step up if my parents need elder/hospice care. That's what she was raised to do. I haven't completely ruled out contributing financially if it's needed, which it shouldn't be. I wonder if my parents' obsession with saving for retirement isn't partially driven by fear that we will all have caught on to the game by then and refuse to help.

[knorkatje]

hi SnoopyDelilah

First of all, I really admire you for taking care of your mother.

I feel guilty about it, but I don’t know if I'll be strong enough to do that.

I know you’re not supposed to say this, but sometimes I wish I didn’t have a mother.

I really can understand your relief. I think I will be to. (if I can get rid of the guilt feeling by then    )

Have a nice day,

k

[kittykat63]

yep- ive heard this before-m its totally natural! me and my sister and have said how nice it would be for us when it happens- like you said- its a taboo- but it shows how bad ths illness is for us to think this. you are now free of it- i think you love your mum and she loves you- and all is well in the world.   it is the BPD you are happy to be free of- not the person inside who was inflicted with mental illness.   i with you happiness and healing from here on in xxxxxxx

[Puttingittogether]

Delilah,

Quite frequently there are people on this board that amaze and encourage me.  You are one such person.  First, to make the post at all not knowing what responses you might receive?  How brave.  Except... .on some level you probably knew you were among those that really understand.  I know what you mean about doing it so you wouldn't chance feeling guilty at a later date.  I think that is good.  Very good that you would not put yourself in the position of being revictimized and this time sort of, sort of, at your own hands.  I think about this as my parents age and so I thank you for posting this.  I am going through yet another very angry stage where from time to time I really want to tell them what they did.  On the outside chance that they are actually mentall il,l and not evil as I believe them to be, I say nothing.  Why do I say nothing?  Well, you had your reason that sounded to be about massive rejection.  As or me, I wonder if I ever really do reach the pinacle of whatever my healing might be in store for me, if I would feel guilty for words said.  I protect myself by saying nothing but also not being in their lives whatsoever.  Some might say I have taken the high road by not confronting my abusers.  That isn't it.  I have taken the road that causes and I suspect will cause me the least amount of pain in the rest of my life.  Is that what you have done?  What a strong person you must be to take care of her like you did.  I wouldn't be able to do that.  The best I can do is not make her look at herself in the mirror.  That is my gift to her as she leaves this planet.  It is also a gift to myself on the outside chance I will feel very guilty at a much later date.  Who knows?

Again, what amazing people I find here.

[Carrie62]

My parents are getting "to that age", and I have worried that if I go to my uBPD/NPDm's funeral, that I won't cry

They have already had so many of our tears that when they do finally go sometimes there's just none left

[ShadesofGray]

My parents are getting "to that age", and I have worried that if I go to my uBPD/NPDm's funeral, that I won't cry

They have already had so many of our tears that when they do finally go sometimes there's just none left

Carrie,

Thank you so much for saying that. I am going to try really hard to remember that when the day does come.

 

Shades

[greenleaves]

That is a really good story - I'm glad things when so well for you. I'd venture to guess that know about BPD is what gave you the ability to plan and handle things so well. Imagine trying to handle all that while being in the FOG.

This knowledge is so powerful! Having this knowledge has changed how I handle situations and interact with people. I'm not altogether "there" yet, but I do focus on staying out of the FOG.

[coldNheartless]

Dear SnoopyDelilah,

Its been a few years but I am going over old posts. I wonder how you are doing, rereading your post, I still feel so happy for you.

I saw my BPD mom's BPD father (oh yeah grandad's got it too) in the hospital once and it all came together. Their secret inner desires to be loved and cared for finally nourished.

I would love an update on how you are feeling and what it has been like since 2012. We all will one day be free from our shackles and their are many feelings that may come, I fear regret of course.

I still have to laugh about the stollen wheelchair, my mom does things that she thinks are hilarious, and well, they're ok I guess.

Anyway, cheers to your happiness, I hope you have felt the bliss you have been waited so long for.

[funfunctional]

Hi there,

Your post did make me laugh.  I can hear the relief in your words as I read them.   WOW.   What a nightmare she was... .not well.     Look at it this way... .you are out of your pain now... .but also she is out of her pain.  Clearly not well.

My BPD MIL accused me of stealing things... .money mailed to the house.  She also accused me of being an alcoholic, con-artist, and so many other things.    She bad mouthed me to my step son and as a result his 12 year old mind was easily maniuplated along with his mom (my husband's x wife) whom gladly bashed the new woman in her x husband's life... .and she got a lot of enjoyment out of causing trouble for our new family.     I hate my MIL and well if God so chooses... .GO FOR IT!

Cheers to a time of peace for you.  You did the right things.  Good for you.