Getting the ST, still I feel like she's kind of around and trying to hurt me

[misty_red]

Hello, it’s been a long time since I wrote here. It only had been two threads or so.

I broke up with my x-gf in May because I couldn’t take her behaviour anymore. We remained friends, we both wanted this. First we were friends with benefits, suddenly she didn’t want it anymore, then again, then again not… You know what I’m talking about. Only after the break up things got really bad. I could feel her devaluing me from week to week. Triangulation, gaslightning, all of the common things. In the end she told me finally leave her alone when some days before she told me she never wants me out of her life. Right before she told me to leave her alone finally I called her out on her behaviour (I didn’t strike below the belt and tried to be very civil) and stood up for myself. That’s when I got the final discard. The times before I always was runnnig back to her and begged for the friendship. Anyway. This time I didn’t. I only wrote her one week after our last contact that we should try to behave like civil people in practice. We both are in the same sports team and I just wanted it to be kept civil. No response of course. This was in mid August. But she was absent whole August anyway so I saw her again mid September. At this point I had been NC for six weeks. It was weird, she seemed tob e very calm but I simply ignored her. Not in a cruel way. I still passed her the ball and stuff, I just didn’t speak to her but there would be no reason anyway because she told me to leave her alone. Next time in practice she started to refuse to throw the ball at the goal (I’m a goalkeeper). Then she did it all of the time. She also self-harmed again. I felt like it was my fault because of ignoring her. So I reached out again, told her I was sorry to ignore her but that I had no choice and that we could talk. Again, no response. But she remained bullying me covertly in practice. She also was planning on attending the same event some of my team mates wanted to go. I was the first one to say that I would attend and just right after my message in our Whatsapp-group she said she would be going as well. I thought this was weird. She told me to leave her alone yet she just right after me wrote that she would be attending some party as well? WTH even?

A week later at a match she wasn’t allowed to play due to tactical reasons and then she left the team because of that. She told our team in a very pissed way, didn’t event want to have a farewell party and made sure everyone knew she didn’t like the team. I guess major narcissistic injury. Now I’m actually glad that she’s gone finally. She‘ll be out of town for good by December because she’s being removed to another post. Yet there’s something which is bothering me: she’s still in our Whatsapp-group and I don’t know why. We use that for important information regarding parctice and matches, when being absent etc. There also or some other old team mates in the group who don’t play anymore, but they like the team and visit our matches regularly. She won’t ever do that. So why is she still in the group? To still be in control somehow? What kind of purpose could she have staying in there? She hates the team, she always complained about the team when being with me. Always called them herd of sheep etc. So it’s not that she wants to stay in contact with them. I’m afraid she might use it somehow to show me that she’s still there, that she’s kinda omnipresent to remind me f her. I feel like she wants me to never forget about her and is trying to stay in my life even without contacting me. I’m still getting the silent treatment since mid August, am in NC for a month now again.

Ugh, I’m afraid she might try something… Do you think it’s weird she’s still in the group and what purpose could she have? Or am I being paranoid and am seeing things where there aren’t? I just want her out of my life but I feel like she might smear me or try to hurt me when least expected…

[hurting300]

You ALWAYS listen to your body when it's telling you something. Seriously.

[Deeno02]

Misty, you will always be the bad "guy". Your black now. Its what they do. Just like my ex BPDgf painted her ex husband black, while still stalking him on social media. Its what they do. Play the martyr, play the victim.

[hurting300]

Misty, you will always be the bad "guy". Your black now. Its what they do. Just like my ex BPDgf painted her ex husband black, while still stalking him on social media. Its what they do. Play the martyr, play the victim.

my ex disappeared literally. But stalks me. Crazy crazy.

[Deeno02]

I sort of wish mine would. Then i would at least know i mattered a bit. But in hindsight, i glad she doesnt... .that i know of.

[Bak86]

Even though we don't see each other anymore(apart from work) i still feel she's watching my every move. I really don't know if she does, but it's a scary gut feeling.

[misty_red]

Thank you for your responses!

So I am not being paranoid here? You think she's doing it to kind of still get some information out of me? There was a time I used to write a lot in that group. That was when I already was getting the ST and was participating in some events with my team mates. It was really funny and we were always joking around with each other. But now I won't write in it anymore because I don't want her to be able to get any information from me. Even if it's just some stupid words. I just can't see any other reason to stay in that group but to keep taps on the team/me.

Do you think it's the best to keep quiet? It pisses me off that she thinks she can still be part of the group-chat when she's not even part of the team anymore. At the other hand it also pisses me off that I'm now the one who has to keep quite just to stop giving her any information. Ugh.

I just think it's so weird, she never liked being in that group at all and it took quite a while when she agreed being admitted in that group. Everybody was like "Finally she's in the group as well." She was always annoyed when people would write in that group and always complained about that. Now she still is in that group she didn't like in the first place? Weird. It's not that she's writing in it... .No, nothing. But still being on there.

[hurting300]

Thank you for your responses!

So I am not being paranoid here? You think she's doing it to kind of still get some information out of me? There was a time I used to write a lot in that group. That was when I already was getting the ST and was participating in some events with my team mates. It was really funny and we were always joking around with each other. But now I won't write in it anymore because I don't want her to be able to get any information from me. Even if it's just some stupid words. I just can't see any other reason to stay in that group but to keep taps on the team/me.

Do you think it's the best to keep quiet? It pisses me off that she thinks she can still be part of the group-chat when she's not even part of the team anymore. At the other hand it also pisses me off that I'm now the one who has to keep quite just to stop giving her any information. Ugh.

I just think it's so weird, she never liked being in that group at all and it took quite a while when she agreed being admitted in that group. Everybody was like "Finally she's in the group as well." She was always annoyed when people would write in that group and always complained about that. Now she still is in that group she didn't like in the first place? Weird. It's not that she's writing in it... .No, nothing. But still being on there.

Listen, I had gut feelings about her watching me... sure enough I was right. They never truly let go. 

[Infern0]

They don't let go.

Mine used to still stalk her ex from like 4 years previous.  She got in a terrible state one day because "I just found out he's got a new girlfriend"

Another time I saw her post what in hindsight was a totally unnecessary comment on a Facebook post that he was tagged in.

She still keeps tabs on him and let's him know she's still around and this is years on.

[misty_red]

But then I don't understand why we're getting the ST. Are they waiting for us to contact them because they are too proud/afraid of rejection/whatever (because whenever I reached out she didn't respond anyway)? I know, their thinking isn't like ours therefore I understand that I don't understand anything. They can't let go, I see that. I also see that she tries so hard showing me I'm dead to her and doesn't even exist for her anymore that it's just the other way round. That I actually still exist to her very much, therefore she needs to negate me, she needs to make sure for herself I don't exist. I know, the paadoxical acknowledgement is not in a good way. She hates me, she painted me black. But there's nothing blacker than black. What's the purpose then? Why still be "around" if they hate us so much and we trigger them? I can't getany blacker than I am now. What's the purpose? She'll be gone by December anyway. Do you think she will stop then?

So I assume it's the best to fly under the radar and don't write anything in that group as long as she's in it? Can I hope that then she'll leave the group eventually because of not getting anything from me anymore? Will she leave me alone then finally? It just feels like she wants to be my poltergeist.

[Infern0]

I personally am of the opinion that the black/white thinking isn't as straight forward as it seems to be.

We don't know what goes on behind closed doors,  mine occasionally would mention nice things some of her exes did for her.  

It's not easy for us nons to understand but they do have moments of (painful) clarity.  I think this is part of the reason they do the stalking thing.

It's frustrating and confusing to us.

In my case I was painted black for ONE WEEK and then split white again. In that one week she got with some other guy because I didn't answer her calls for a day because she had been very rude to me,  and her response. ... ."wow I've been abandoned" and got with someone else.

Then a week later regretting it but not being able to apologize or process that she had made a mistake and get herself out of it. So in her mind she's created a distorted reality where God knows what is going on in her head regarding me and her. I think she thinks we are going to get married in the future and I'll just be alright hanging around for however long.

It's hell mate,  it's confusing.

If you want it over with then just ignore her and eventually she will give up. Oh yeah and beware of the recycle.  

[misty_red]

Thank you for your reply.

But I don't think she'll ever try to recycle. She'll be far away soon anyway and she seems more like the kind of "silent-treatment-forever"-type of BPD. But yeah, you never can be sure and that is what's bugging me the most I guess.  It is hard enough to just let her out of my life, felt like cutting off a limb or something and now she makes sure I can't get her out of my life fully. She wants me to leave her alone but she won't leave me alone. I know I can't even begin with how unfair it is... .she is disordered, I know that and I'm very sorry for her.

[Deeno02]

Mine is with another. I dont count any more, so ST is all I get. That and a broken heart.

[misty_red]

I'm sorry for you guys.  It just doesn't feel good, but then again I guess suffering from BPD doesn't as well. Not to justify their behaviour, I just want to see both sides. Still... .it hurts so much. I just want to reach out. Not to recycle but to say goodbye. I wanna write her that it's okay now, that I'm not mad. Like soothing a child. And that I wish her well for her life. I know I'm strong enough to get through this. But I'm afraid for her. I know I can't change it. On the one hand I like being NC 'cause it's so much relief, no drama, it feels good for me - but not because it makes her suffer. On the other hand I don't wanna be the acute reason or the trigger for her abandonment issues, it feels like being a psychopath or something. I know, she'll always have that but I don't want to be the one triggering it. But I guess when I'm painted black reaching out is the worst thing to do.

I'm a big empath, I'm highly sensitive to other people's emotions and when I know I'm hurting others (even not on purpose) it feels like hurting myself - it feels like self-harming. Maybe this means I'm egoistical? Or not. I don't know. But I don't want to put any more pain on the top of the pain she's feeling anyhow, it must be so hard (and yes, I know, many say I shouldn't feel that way and concentrate about myself, but I know myself, I'm strong enough, I'll get through this, I know it). So how to avoid that?