pseudotsuga
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 16
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« on: October 16, 2014, 04:31:49 AM » |
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why am i undecided? (and hey, everybody, my first post!)
Two of the choices:
Love them / they are stealing, occasionally physically abusive
Love them / the relationship is unhealthy
i am 30 years old - female, and i have been with him for 6 years. we are not married, but it certainly feels like we are.
at the bottom of it all, we love each other very much. that is the problem for me - the reason why i have stayed. though ive made an intellectual decision to leave so many times, my emotions are strong and have not let me make the decision to go. (i know the emotional decision is my own as well, but it feels like such a separate and irrational part of me, seemingly so distinct from the intellectual choice to leave.)
he is totally dependent upon me - financially and emotionally. it is not healthy.
ive let go of most resentment about supporting him (some people just need help, i guess), but he has a lot of resentment towards me that i have money and he doesn't, that i have a car and he does not, etc. It is not healthy for him to be dependent upon me and it is not what i want, but ultimatums don't work ("get a job or leave by x date" doesn't happen, nor does "i really need some help paying the rent. please.".
he has cut ties with all his past friends, even from his teenage daughter. he doesn't return calls from his friends. he has no income, and thus no cellphone. when his friends call me to get ahold of him, he never calls them back. isolation and self-loathing. sometimes, during his episodes, he flips and says it is my fault. he says i am trapping in this house, that i am enslaving him, that it is all my fault. but, he is the one who isolates himself. i can't even get him out of the house to have a microbrew and a burger (his favorites) more than twice a year. he crashed his bike, won't fix it - though he has the skills and i have the tools (that he can use) to fix it. (and i have the ability to fix it, but where is the line between enabling and helping? and i already have to do all the work to pay the rent. do i have to fix his bike, too?) he has no driver's liscense. he imagined an ankle injury, saying he cannot walk far. so, in the house he stays, so often. i started giving him an allowance, in exchange for doing work around the house. (what? is he my child?) Even so, sometimes he steals money from me, says - in raging moments - that i deserve it for trapping him in the house. later, when his moods pass, he feels guilty for stealing. he tries to make up for it by doing more work around the house. often, I leave to work for weeks at a time. (I am a biologist who works in the field, periodically) this is the job i love, and it is also how i make money. he sometimes accuses me of abandoning him, trapping him in the house (which he sometimes sees as a prison). but, i have stopped him from doing nothing. (unless "enabling" by paying all the rent is a form of stopping.
he is often suicidal, says he wants to die. thinks of ways to die. he told his teenage daughter about wanting to die so much that she will no longer see him anymore (she talks to me still). sometimes, when he gets serious-sounding about it, I have to find ways to intervene - to pull him out of it. but, sometimes i don't know how.
there are good spells. when things are good, he helps around the house, contributes to my small business that I run out of the home, is cheerful and happy and fun. during good times, i can get him to go to a dinner party with me, encourage him to come out and have a beer with me at the microbrewery down the road. we laugh together, play, plan things for the future. during these times, we are crazy in love - like kids who just fell for each other.
but, anything can set him off. Today, after a month of no problems - of wonderful healthiness and a great relationship, his computer wouldn't boot properly. this was a catalyst. He hasn't gotten out of bed, eaten, or spoken to me for 24 hours. (sometimes it can last half a day, this depression. sometimes, it lasts weeks) when this happens, he can;t remember ever feeling joy. none of the happy life plans we make every happen, because of these episodes. (one time, after he had a crash, i tried to drag him to the beach trip that he had planned and was super excited about. he did not speak the whole time, refused to get out of the car to go to the hotel, said he hated me, said he wanted to kill me for forcing him to the beach.)
it's crazy. i began to think i was crazy. i confided in a friend who is a psychologist about two years ago. "Borderline," she said, "absolutely." I read a book, called "I hate you, don't leave me." It was the first time I knew there was name for what he was. I was amazed that his seemingly unique brand of crazy had a name, that the book described him so perfectly.
I wondered how I had dealt with it for so many years, why i let myself be subjected to the verbal abuse, the emotional abuse, the threats of physical violence during his rages (no actual physical violence, except for one fistfight 3 years ago. and i am a big, althletic person, so he doesn't outmatch me by much. but, his rage outmatches my crumpled self defense of sadness. so, maybe there is a danger. if he ever attacked me, though i probably could match him in a fight, id be more likely to cry than hit him back) Then, I realized the name for what my mom was is also probably BPD. So, I guess that is why I tolerate it, why I have tolerated, why I still do... .
The good times are good - so good. And they can last for weeks at a time. Sometimes, it can be months without incidents. But, the bad moments are nightmares. My heart tears and bruises and bleeds, when that happens. And underneath all the happy times, I am always afraid he will tip off into that darkness, fall into the pit of anger and self-hate - bringing me down with him.
in the long run, i don't know how to have a life with him. i love him deeply. the times when he is mostly functional are amazing, so rewarding, so filled with love. Sometimes, we dream up beautiful ambitious futures for ourselves together. yet, our joint dreams often crumble when he does. (when he is down, a trip to the grocery store is too grand a plan to handle) but, the bad times are so hard - on him, on my daily life, on my fairly sensitive heart.
i know he is mentally ill, and I try not to blame him for it. (in my head, i take full responsibility for making the choice to be with him. sometimes i know it is a stupid choice to make, but somehow, i keep making it) but, emotional abuse happens. how much should i tolerate? but, is this what all people in abusive relationships do to rationalize their experience? what is the line between understanding/empathy and needing to stand up for one's self. At what point do I need to leave? Or do I?
It is an eternal circle of indecision. Times are good and we are happy in love. Times are bad and my heart is bleeding, my body won't eat from emotional stress, sleep refuses to find me. And, when he is hurting, my heart is aching too. It is a strange madness, that I find myself also pulled inside of - just by loving him.
I am 30, and I have many plans for the future. I am an ambitious, world-travelling, dreamer type of person. I want to be a scientist-writer-teacher-documentaryproducer-herbalist-botanist-ecologist-activist-world-changer-journalist-artist. I already am several of those things, but I want to do all of them more. I speak 4 languages fluently, and I want to learn more. I want to raise kids, at some point. Sometimes, I have dreamed of them with him... .but, how can someone so unstable be a good parent. (and what hell would that be for me - co-parenting with him?) Even now, I think all these things are realistic goals. Sometimes, I think about going to medical school. Life is short, and the desire to do everything is not something the world has stolen from me, yet. I know it is a kind if naivete, but it is not one that I want to lose - ever.
This is a long ramble of a post. Probably, I should have started my own thread. I don't know how to talk about BPD and me. My partner has BPD. I should leave him, rationally. But, I love him deeply and do not want to, have not wanted to.
Therefore, I feel eternally stuck. I eternally orbit my sad and beautiful lover who cannot break free (is not willing to seek mental help) for the BPD that tortures him as well... .
I love him. I imagine I always will. (And I probably can't live the life I want, if I stay with him... .What then?)
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