Wishing she would have come back by now - feeling crappy about myself

[Hawk Ridge]

I saw her this week, Wednesday, first time since June.   We kept it short and it was very kind and cordial, with both of us saying we wish we had longer to visit.  I noted her home was unkempt, eyes were the off-color again as they had been during dysregulation.  She's typically an immaculate perfectionist.   She's still with my replacement who we both knew would not be there that day.  I went to her town expecting her to blow me off so was pleased she actually followed through.   While my hope is that one day we could possibly reunite, my intent and expectation for this day was to see my old friend as we have been friends since childhood who lose our friendship for several decades.  When we reunited, we became partners, very unexpectedly. 

Anyway, the visit went fine but it was yesterday and today that it started to trigger a lot of emotions and anxiety in me.  When we were together as a couple for a year and a half, she said I talked too much because I wanted to address issues rather than just go forth with the silent treatment.  She preferred silence and lack of resolution which, honestly, I still don't get.  This was before I knew about her BPD.   During our visit, she talked about being dissatisfied in her job and not knowing what the word "normal" meant.  It made me sad... .

The following morning, I sent her an email of support about her career and career options, stating my belief and loyalty to her.  I wish I hadn't, concerned she thought it was too wordy, that maybe she thinks I still love her (which I do but I try to hide it from her), that it made me seem needy.  I usually let her initiate contact so I am uncomfortable.   I keep replaying it... .finding all the defects that I bet she feels I possess (none of this is fact based - it's just my angst-ridden shame). 

When she left me in March, she never told me why... .she just left.  A month later was when she accused me of overcommunicating.  I guess that and maybe my hope things would have proceeded more towards reuniting are some of the reasons I am back to berating myself again.  I had been doing better, understanding this is her disease so I didn't need to ride the shame train but today, I put it back on me.

She has been with my replacement 5 months. She started contacting me about 2 months ago.  When she left me, she started devaluing me at 3 months and left me at 5.  She came back three weeks later and the cycle began again (ie., devaluing in 3 and then leaving me 9 months later).  I guess, to be honest, I hoped we would be back together by now.  I had hoped she would leave my replacement with the same schedule as me.  I have struggled with my jealousy if the replacement yet I can only assume she is doing the same to her.  Just a few weeks ago, she texted while my replacement was there for the weekend. My replacement has many kids, is less financially stable than I, and ... .sorry, but isn't as cute as I am... .not an ego, just isn't.  It's killing me that their still together and that her house is now so... .filled with the messy, unorganized stuff of this other person.  It's like she is mirroring the disorganization of my replacement.  I just am having such a hard time accepting she's still with my replacement and where did my immaculate organized professional go?

I feel like I may have blew it with the email when, in reality, I am over thinking it. 

Please don't tell me to run and not go back.  I didn't know then about her BPD.  I am committed to learning how to work with it.  If I am struggling like I am today, I still have lots of work to do in me and in learning about detachment and expectations.   

Rough couple of days.   Thanks for listening.  Anybody else experienced these type of emotions?  Thank you.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Determined1]

Hawk Ridge,

I am so sorry to hear about your situation. Viewing your ex's current partner as a replacement gives us a very vivid idea of how you must feeling inside. As if that other person took over the life that you should be having (except for the messy house, lack of financial stability, etc.). I can not imagine how crappy you must being feeling right now. As you seem to be looking for another chance with her if given the opportunity, I would encourage you to spend time focus on yourself in addition to learning more about BPD and tools for progression. It is easy to look back and think about what you could have done better and you did the best you could with what you have known at that time. There isn't anything wrong with you and I bet that there isn't a person that is in a relationship with a pwBPD knew what was going on from the beginning. I was good friends with my wife for almost two years before we got together and I didn't see this coming. She did give me a fair warning that she was difficult and needed lots of attention and I took it as that. She not I knew what BPD was and I am still learning and making adjustments on my part after nearly 4 years since her diagnosis. Please keep posting to the boards for the support as it really helps to know that you are not alone.

[Ladylove]

Hawk ridge

So many people have felt these emotions.

DO NOT feel crappy about yourself. I think pwBPD have a way of just getting us so goo-goo over them.  Clearly, she means a lot to you and has had an impact on you like no one else, but remember YOU in all of this.  You are important, strong, and smart.

Read the first paragraph in tools section below on "remaining true to ourselves"

[Ladylove]

Whoops= that would be in the "Validation" section of Tools

[KeepOnGoing]

Hi hawk ridge, I constantly question my last text where I said I wasn't as safe as I may have led each of us to believe. I think that sent her bolting where she then texted me the next day saying she needed time and space apart. I haven't heard word one from her in four months now. I often regret my text, but the truth is... .she wasn't safe at that time as I was sitting with a lot of my own rage and anger about my aging father and about her lack of ability to be there for me. Anyway, hang in there, but remember to work on you.

[Hawk Ridge]

Thank you all so much for understanding, validating, and providing tool suggestions.  It has been a sad day so it helped and, yes, I will study.  Thank you

[ReluctantSurvivor]

I think I understand how you feel.  My exBPDgf left me 3 months ago.  She has been with her new bf for a little over 2 months.  Not a day goes by that I don't think about her.  I am seeing a therapist which has helped me get over the pain of suddenly being left by the woman who was planning our wedding weeks before dysregulating. 

  I have been on a handful of dates and I feel nothing for these women.  I end up having dreams filled with my ex after a datr.

  Some days I feel ready to move on with my life.  I focus on work, school and my new hobby of hitting the gym.  The next day all I can think about is having another chance with a woman that still has a strong prescence in my heart.