uBPDw registering kids under her maiden name

[Mutt]

I picked up the kids from daycare today.  My D8 showed pointed her picture in a picture frame on the wall "VIP for the month of Sept"

She told me last month and i told her I was proud and no mention of the picture 'til today. It's not under a real visible area.

At the bottom of the frame is her first name and my wife's maiden name. The kids have a hyphenated last name.

I have 2 kids in one daycare, the one where I noticed the picture today. My S3 is in another one and I noticed on the logs that his name was sometimes my wife's last name and sometimes their names on their birth certificates.

I thought maybe staff are making errors and I didn't think anything of it. The other two kids I don't have to sign in or log out. Their old enough. So I didn't really have a reason why to ask. I pay the daycare and get receipt. I don't recall seeing a name, just an amount of what I paid I'm not going to ask staff and check on their computers either.

I talked to the daycare to find out that the kids names are all registered under her maiden name. She's using subsidy and she had registered under her. I pay her 70% and she pays 30% per court order. She makes less than me, she had filed her taxes right on the poverty line in Canada.

I'm sorry, but this makes me angry. The kids aren't carrying the last name of their father at daycare. She split me black and can't bear to see my last name.

I emailed her about this and she dissociated and started blaming me for some other things I didn't do. She won't answer why she did it. This tells me she knows she did wrong.

Now, I'm asking because I don't even know what this quantifies as. Is there legal bearing registering under last names or it's a case of parental alienation that carries no weight in court? I only know of the daycare, I also know it's just a daycare but I'm sorry this makes me very upset. She can use her maiden name for herself but she's removing the kids dad's last name.

[Loveofhislife]

Mutt--I think you're right that this is her BPD way of pretending you no longer matter or exist, but that is not a message you want her giving your children. It is probably a message intended to create a perception at the school and perhaps, any possible supply. So many things we can't control. But as far as schools go, she may be trying to give the schools the impression that you are in the process of losing custody: no parental rights. Worst case scenario; you go to sign them out and pick them up, and school staff are questioning you about a custody issue that your uBPDw has led them to believe is going on. Unfortunately, this is not uncommon in US schools. Parents charge each other with kidnapping, and the schools get caught in the middle. My exbfBPD played little games like this SPECIFICALLY to anger his ex wife and show her that he was in control. He has no custody and very limited visitation rights, but uses his home address (which is constantly moving) when filling out any paperwork--listed his address on his son's drivers license. This could be just her aggravating you but it does begin to cast doubt in the mind of school staff. That's who you should probably talk to first.

[PinkieV]

In late summer 2013, DH and I traveled two states away to attend an emergency custody hearing for SS13 and SS17.  His uBPDew had moved the boys away from him several times, and there was severe parental alienation.  Our first day there, we went to the middle school and high school to add his contact information to their files.  The secretary at the middle school looked like she had seen a ghost when my DH told her who he was.  She obviously had been fed the BPD KoolAid. Thankfully, the district had not allowed her to change the boys' names, but my older SS used her name on his FB account.

After securing emergency custody when BM pled guilty to embezzlement, we went to the middle school to pick up SS13 near the end of the day.  The secretary went back to the principal's office, and we could see them whispering and looking at us through the window.  The principal came out to greet us, and we explained the situation.  Obviously, BM had told them something different.  There was a police officer on campus at the time for another custody issue, and we had to wait while he called in to verify BM was in custody.

Once that was verified, she called SS13 out of class.  When he saw us he was so scared he could hardly talk.  BM had told him that DH could ABSOLUTELY NOT PICK HIM UP FROM SCHOOL, and SS13 COULD NOT GO ANYWHERE WITH HIM UNTIL 5:00 P.M. THAT NIGHT.  When the principal saw his condition, she asked us if she could talk to him for a minute.  She took him into her office and calmed him down.  When she came out, she was in complete agreement with us taking him, as she could she what BM had done to this poor kid.  She thanked us for waiting and being patient, and us being perfectly reasonable, thanked for taking good care of her students and SS13.

One problem we encountered between the two times we had been in is that DH's contact information, and the record of him being there, had disappeared.  DH took SS13 to gather his things, and I stayed behind to tell the principal that this had happened.  That secretary just stood there with hawk-like eyes watching everything as I said "someone in this office tampered with my DH's information, and also told SS13's BM that we had been here.  In the future I hope this does not happen to someone else, as privacy laws were violated, and it could end up being a legal problem for the school and district."  The principal understood, and thanked me.  I turned, stared the secretary down, and left.

Sorry, long story, but I wanted to show you what another BPD was capable of.  Please talk to your kids' schools and let them know the exact situation, and verify they have your correct contact information.  Be nice, professional, and serious, the voice of reason.  Your BPD will try to gather allies, and it's your job to show them that you are a kind, considerate father who should be included in all aspects of their care and education.

[GaGrl]

Take your court order and the children's birth certificates (with the hyphenated name) to the school and insist that their record reflect the correct surname.  Explain that you don't ever want any confusion should there be questions about parental authority to pick up the children or to deal with school activities.

That's perfectly reasonable.

Maintain a calm, reasonable demeanor.  It's not their fault your ex is PD.

[Mutt]

Take your court order and the children's birth certificates (with the hyphenated name) to the school and insist that their record reflect the correct surname.  Explain that you don't ever want any confusion should there be questions about parental authority to pick up the children or to deal with school activities.

That's perfectly reasonable.

Maintain a calm, reasonable demeanor.  It's not their fault your ex is PD.

I keep cool as a cucumber because if I don't, I look like the crazy one  

There's a lot of good advice here and thank you. I'll take my court order and the kids birth certificates and fix this.

[Mutt]

I got an email back from uBPDx

She said she called and got it changed with the daycares. She had said that I'm the one that filled out the paper-work and today she said that they had messed up at daycare. Projection and blame tells me that she did it, because it triggered feelings.

Going forward, I'll double-check with daycare, school.

[Loveofhislife]

Congratulations, Mutt. Thank you for making our BPD Family a part of this. I am so sorry for what you are going through. But you seem focused on what is most important to your children: your ongoing, active role in their lives. God bless you for remaining so.

[Mutt]

God bless you and all members on bpdfamily. It's good to know I'm not alone. I have a place where I give and receive valuable help. Thank you.

[maxen]

this is of course a disgrace and i'm glad you have a way to take care of it.

She had said that I'm the one that filled out the paper-work and today she said that they had messed up at daycare.

facepalm

[livednlearned]

Mutt,

I would be upset too. It's not just awful for you, it's bad for the kids. My last name is S13's middle name. Every time N/BPDx writes S13 a letter, he x's out his middle name. I can see that N/BPDx is trying to "eliminate" me, but all he's doing is making S13 feel like his dad is erasing a part of him. It's one of those toxic things that may not look like anything awful to teachers or other innocent bystanders, but to the kids it packs a punch.

You're probably going to have to watch all of the legal recordings of their names closely to make sure she doesn't continue doing this. Past behavior is a great predictor of future behavior. Most schools have a database manager -- might be a good idea to check and check again. I ended up going to the school district offices. N/BPDx kept changing S13's primary address at my home to his address, which meant they didn't arrange to have the school bus stop at my address. 

Now there is a note in there that says dad cannot change the address.

I no longer care what anyone thinks about me when it comes to this kind of thing. I'm so fed up with all the extra chaos N/BPDx creates that I just go calmly to the principal, or counselor, or whomever may be affected, and explain that it will be a lot less work for everyone if they just call me to double check anything N/BPDx does. I'm never angry, always just business, matter-of-fact, etc. It seems to work -- they don't want drama any more than I do, and they most certainly don't want to have to do extra work fixing things in the data base.