Trying to understand, will she try to come back?

[hattrick]

Mutt thought I should start a thread here so I will.

Basically in a nutshell, my now ex-gf (who I'm convinced has a form of BPD) broke up with me out of the blue with not so much as an argument or a talk. We were together for almost 6 years without any big fights, only a handful of small disagreements. She went from saying I'm the greatest thing that's ever happened to her to we should split up in a day and a half. When it happened she seemed pretty sure it was over for good and she was done. She then deleted myself and all my family and friends from facebook about a week later. She painted me black very quickly. Also she went straight to another guy and got engaged to him within a month and then I hear she moved him into her place a couple weeks later.

We work at the same company although in different areas. Since the breakup she had seemed to avoid coming anywhere near me. This week however she has walked by me (without acknowledging me) 3 days in a row. It has been suggested that she is playing mind games. My question is what kind of mind games? What would she hope to accomplish? Is this her way of testing the waters to try to come back to me at some point?

If anyone wants to read a little bit more detailed story about what I'm dealing with you should be able to read it here

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=234175.msg12507283#msg12507283

[Mutt]

Hi hattrick,

I want to start this off by letting you know that I'm sorry that this is painful and confusing when a loved one with a personality disorder gets involved with another man. It really takes time to absorb and sort out your feelings from this traumatic experience. Learn as much as you can and share your experiences.

She starts telling me how much of an A-hole her husband is and that she had threatened him with divorce several times.

She split her husband black and she's denigrating him. She wants to be rescued. She's projecting her negative feelings and actions on him. You nay of felt sympathy for her because you think that she's being treated terribly. It sort of pulls at the heart strings. What she's doing now to you, is the same situation her ex H went through.

The day before she was telling me I'm the greatest guy ever and she was lucky to have me. Then of course I find out after I question her there is another guy. That's when we had a giant fight where she accuses me of all sorts of terrible things that don't make any sense to me like saying I don't like her kids or her mom. Everyone knows I love the kids and mom.

I'll start with the term splitting in the context of BPD. Splitting is a primitive defense mechanism to protect the self.

A pwBPD see things in black or white.

Black = undervaluing a person ( you're all bad and she can't see the good in you )

White = overvaluing a person ( you're on a pedestal and she can only see good )

You have both here, she's overvaluing you when she says you're "the greatest guy in the world" She's confronted about another guy. A borderline feels shame and guilt and they project negative feelings and actions on a loved one.

She knows that she was cheating and she's conflicted with those feelings. She split you black and projected her shame and guilt on you and she's dissociating by saying that you don't like her kids or her mom. It's distortion and it's not something that she's likely aware of. She's mentally ill.

She cheated, you confronted her she feels bad and shifts her feelings on you and accuses you to alleviate the anxiety, stress and negative feelings.

It's not your fault, your reality is different and it confuses and hurts you, she has a completely different belief system, a distorted belief system.

She then deleted myself and all my family and friends from facebook about a week later. She painted me black very quickly.

You're likely in a distortion campaign that's been going on for awhile. She split you black and she sees nothing good in you and ejects everyone that she knew in your family and friends on social media.

I went through this. I understand.

Perhaps your family and friends asked themselves what prompted this and their confused. Recall the ex H she you met her? She's distorting him to you.

We work at the same company although in different areas. Since the breakup she had seemed to avoid coming anywhere near me.

You understand that you are split black, she's blasting you for the failure of the r/s and her cheating. She knows this. You had a long history together and seeing you I like cutting off someone's arm by accident and having to see them. It hurts her, out if sight, out of mind.

This week however she has walked by me (without acknowledging me) 3 days in a row. It has been suggested that she is playing mind games.

It's not mind games. This is an attachment disorder. She copes entirely different than you. She's walking by to test, see how you react. Having said that, she doesn't understand how her behaviors are hurtful, and outrageous to be honest. It's as if she doesn't understand that she's caused great pain and lost a friendship. She's watching to see how you'll react.

I hope that helps.

[hattrick]

I don't really react at all. I just kind of ignore her. I don't know if she's trying to get a reaction from me or if she is curious why I haven't called her or texted her and she's trying to read me. I guess that's what makes me curious. But I wont ever let her know that I'm thinking about her at all. I'm just wondering what to expect. I know nothing is 100% but I'm wondering what is typical. Do they usually leave for good or try to come back?

[Mutt]

From what I've read from some members it's all different. Some you may not hear from for years and some months. It depends on how things are going with her. If she perceives or fears abandonment with the new attachment she'll put her feelers out.

It's a possibility she's not sure if this guy's going to stick around or not. She doesn't fully detach and she may try to recycle.

From my experience, ex tried to keep me at arms length right after the split. I went NC and detached. She got the picture, she has started to put her feelers out. I choose to ignore it.

[hattrick]

You know, the one thing I can't figure out is why it took her almost 6 years to devalue me and pull away. From everything I've read the whole push-pull thing usually starts within the first 6 months. So why would she idealize me for almost 6 years and then devalue me almost overnight? There was no push-pull, I love you, I hate you moments up until then. But as I look back she had all the other pathology of BPD such as self-esteem issues and borderline rage (never directed at me).

[Mutt]

I'm sorry that many years passed and this happened out of nowhere. You have a long history and from the sounds of it, relatively normal.

BPD is a spectrum disorder. I've read accounts from members on this board where they were devalued in a less than a month and some many months. I have read accounts and know people where stress from a life event triggered the behavioral symptoms and the r/s was fine before said event in their loved ones life.

BPD is a disorder. Every person is different and not everyone starts at 6 months for devaluation.

6 years is a long time. It's sad to hear the way she changed.

[hattrick]

I truly believe that the trip to her father's grave was the trigger event but I don't know for sure. If someone gets devalued like this do they stay devalued forever? And if you get "painted white" again does it take another such trigger to paint you black again. Would she be like a ticking time bomb?

[enlighten me]

From My exs I believe we all get painted white again at some point. My ex wife has started to paint me white and wants to be friends. Im still painted black with my exgf but apart from me and her ex husband all her other exs she talked about with fondness and has painted white. Even the guy that she said used to beat her up and rape her she said some fond things about. All very messed up.

[Aussie0zborn]

It's hard to predict her motivation but whatever it is, you can be sure it's for her benefit and not yours. You can't win anything here so keep away for your own peace of mind.

[hattrick]

One thing I want to add. She has left everything that is hers at my house without any attempt so far to get any of it back. It's not just a couple small things either. She left her footon, her bike (which I bought her for X-mas a couple years ago), her son's gaming chair, her son's basketball hoop, her Xmas stuff (tree, decorations, etc.), a box of family heirlooms, frozen food (in my freezer) bought for her kids, and a few other small items. Am I reading to much into this or might she not be asking for these things for a reason?

[ReluctantSurvivor]

One thing I want to add. She has left everything that is hers at my house without any attempt so far to get any of it back. It's not just a couple small things either. She left her footon, her bike (which I bought her for X-mas a couple years ago), her son's gaming chair, her son's basketball hoop, her Xmas stuff (tree, decorations, etc.), a box of family heirlooms, frozen food (in my freezer) bought for her kids, and a few other small items. Am I reading to much into this or might she not be asking for these things for a reason?

My ex left her cat.  The cat is lucky that I like animals.  So I think I may have inherited a cat.

She has left but it is like she is leaving things here and there that she could use to come back.

[enlighten me]

This seems to me to be like the lets stay friends thing BPDs do. Like reluctant said its leaving the door open. It gives a valid reason to contact you and test the water. If you want her out of your life then nothing would tell her that more than you dumping it all on her doorstep.

[peiper]

One thing I want to add. She has left everything that is hers at my house without any attempt so far to get any of it back. It's not just a couple small things either. She left her footon, her bike (which I bought her for X-mas a couple years ago), her son's gaming chair, her son's basketball hoop, her Xmas stuff (tree, decorations, etc.), a box of family heirlooms, frozen food (in my freezer) bought for her kids, and a few other small items. Am I reading to much into this or might she not be asking for these things for a reason?

Mine left over 20k worth of her things, go figure... .

[anxiety5]

One thing I want to add. She has left everything that is hers at my house without any attempt so far to get any of it back. It's not just a couple small things either. She left her footon, her bike (which I bought her for X-mas a couple years ago), her son's gaming chair, her son's basketball hoop, her Xmas stuff (tree, decorations, etc.), a box of family heirlooms, frozen food (in my freezer) bought for her kids, and a few other small items. Am I reading to much into this or might she not be asking for these things for a reason?

My ex left her cat.  The cat is lucky that I like animals.  So I think I may have inherited a cat.

She has left but it is like she is leaving things here and there that she could use to come back.

This cracks me up! Mine left her cat here too! I hated cats my whole life. She neglected him totally I'd come home and his bowl was empty water and food and he's just chilling here standing by it as she watches price is right or some TV show. So I started taking care of him. As soon as I did that boom, he wanted nothing to do with her. He'd hiss at her, only sit next to me. And of course I thought this was hysterical so I ate it up. But yep, I got a cat out of the deal too. Honestly? I wouldn't trade him for he either. He's awesome. Sleeps 20 hours a day in a leather recliner. He was my silent companion through a lot of hard nights. But we had a bond because we both hated her! ha ha. Too funny.

2 pieces of advice. Keep the cat. It's not his fault. I used to tell people, yes I have a cat now. Not my fault, I was granted full custody.  2. Start an eBay store and sell that crap $$ if you really are feeling vengeful, send her the link to the eBay store with all her stuff on there, with absolutely no explanation. Make her bid to win it all back. ha ha

[hurting300]

My ex left things too! Things she should have taken. Yep they got burned in the yard and the pics posted on Facebook .

[anxiety5]

It's so bizarre how common all our experiences are at their core. How the heck could so many people independent of each other, across our country, all have such defined experiences of common occurrence? It's sort of fascinating. It almost seems like the disease is nothing more than science. Not some unique trauma. It's like physics, or economics. Supply and Demand, or the laws of gravity. The same no matter what variables are applied. Cause/effect. These people traumatize us, dehumanize themselves, appear to be these volatile creatures of drama, yet in all reality they are ALL the same. Actually the fact you can read these forums and nod your head, or pick up a text book and read your exact relationship experience, proves they are in fact almost pathetically predictable and stationary bundles of disaster. I guess that's a good thing in the recovery. Because if you educate yourself, you won't be so afraid to love again. Something so predictable and identifiable actually should mitigate fear. Lightning is dangerous. But the fact is there is a set of conditions we are keenly aware of outside prior to it developing. Instinctively we know to seek cover. Therefore there is nothing to really fear. Just actions to take. I think people who suffer from BPD are no different. Once you do the work to think hard about all those red flags, let it really sink in and get your mind back to reality, in future relationship pursuits you just have to keep your radar focused at all times and just like lightning, seek cover when you can see a storm brewing right before your eyes. Sorry for being philosophical but part of what makes me feel better about the future is breaking down what happened so it's nothing to be afraid of anymore.

[drummerboy]

You write such good posts anxiety, thank you!

My ex left a bit of stuff including her treasured copy of her fav book. In her case it was because she didn't want me to think she was moving out. It was the day after her birthday, we had a beautiful day together including a custom made birthday cake that brought tears to her eyes and a FB post saying "WOW best birthday cake ever" I didn't realise at the time that she would never be here again, she had already left the r/s and I had no clue.

It's so bizarre how common all our experiences are at their core. How the heck could so many people independent of each other, across our country, all have such defined experiences of common occurrence? It's sort of fascinating. It almost seems like the disease is nothing more than science. Not some unique trauma. It's like physics, or economics. Supply and Demand, or the laws of gravity. The same no matter what variables are applied. Cause/effect. These people traumatize us, dehumanize themselves, appear to be these volatile creatures of drama, yet in all reality they are ALL the same. Actually the fact you can read these forums and nod your head, or pick up a text book and read your exact relationship experience, proves they are in fact almost pathetically predictable and stationary bundles of disaster. I guess that's a good thing in the recovery. Because if you educate yourself, you won't be so afraid to love again. Something so predictable and identifiable actually should mitigate fear. Lightning is dangerous. But the fact is there is a set of conditions we are keenly aware of outside prior to it developing. Instinctively we know to seek cover. Therefore there is nothing to really fear. Just actions to take. I think people who suffer from BPD are no different. Once you do the work to think hard about all those red flags, let it really sink in and get your mind back to reality, in future relationship pursuits you just have to keep your radar focused at all times and just like lightning, seek cover when you can see a storm brewing right before your eyes. Sorry for being philosophical but part of what makes me feel better about the future is breaking down what happened so it's nothing to be afraid of anymore.

[anxiety5]

Thank you for that very kind compliment.

I'm sorry that happened to you. I don't think there is anything quite worse than being left in the cold like that. It would be like showing up to your parents house and they moved without telling you. This bond you thought you had. This person you thought was a part of you. All wrong. And in that moment the betrayal is so intense it's almost overwhelming. You feel alone. tricked. It feels like emotional rape. Violation. Your soul was extorted from you and they didn't even want to steal it, they just wanted to see if they could get it so they could break it. To view someone in those terms who you once held as your World is overwhelming. How could you be so wrong? How will I ever trust again? All thoughts I had. I have found ,and I'm sure you may agree the more I learn about this the more "ah ha!" moments I have. The fog was thick, but the first article I read about BPD almost overwhelmed me to tears. There was this disease that plagued her that was indescribable and invisible. It spread to me. I could not put it into words. People looked at me funny when I tried to describe it. Well that moment when you are reading before your very eyes the symptoms of a disorder that has bullet points that you swear must have been written by you they are so accurate, it was pretty liberating for me. FINALLY I know what this is. Finally I can read exactly what happened and learn why. Continue to do that. Learn more. I know for me it helped preserve what was left of me in the realization that what happened was not shocking. It was not personal. It was the manifestation and very incredibly predictable pattern of behavior and outcome of interactions with a person with mental illness. That single realization made it tolerable. I realized there was nothing I could have done differently. If it didn't happen the day it did, it would have blown out the next. I fell in love with a time bomb that had no identifiable fuse. I know that now. There was only one option. Explosion. And the outcome there was only one thing to do, save myself.

[drummerboy]

Thanks anxiety.

You know, despite all that I've read about BPD I still don't fully understand how their "feelings" can change so quickly and completely. Here was a woman who adored me, wanted to spend every spare second with me. Had convinced herself that I was the one that she had waited her whole life for and then... .poof! gone, 100% NC gone.

[anxiety5]

We can't and thankfully never will understand the turmoil they feel. I know I make a lot of analogies, but that's just my attempt to try and turn their irrational behavior into something we can comprehend. You say that you can't understand how she wanted something one minute and not the next. It's emotion based. And it's fear. Imagine if you wanted to take a walk, you are enjoying yourself and turn the corner to see a gang of people with baseball bats and weapons start running at you. That panic, that fear, that chaos would kick your mind into secondary mode as your raw emotions of fight or flight took over. (run away, or rage) Your very survival is on the line. Your body quivers with adrenaline. And whatever you do next, run away, fight them, or simply hide to get space from them, your only goal is self preservation. The one thing you would suddenly no longer want to do, is take that walk you were so enjoying. Now insert the caring loving committed non as the gang of attackers. That's where it becomes confusing. But that irrational fear, fight or flight, desire for space, to run, to get away to something safe is exactly what they must feel. And the problem is, the main motor driving these emotions is not only broken and not working correctly, it's locked away in a place inside them that they themselves can't even locate. And it's programed to run 7 days a week.

[bruceli]

One thing I want to add. She has left everything that is hers at my house without any attempt so far to get any of it back. It's not just a couple small things either. She left her footon, her bike (which I bought her for X-mas a couple years ago), her son's gaming chair, her son's basketball hoop, her Xmas stuff (tree, decorations, etc.), a box of family heirlooms, frozen food (in my freezer) bought for her kids, and a few other small items. Am I reading to much into this or might she not be asking for these things for a reason?

My ex left her cat.  The cat is lucky that I like animals.  So I think I may have inherited a cat.

She has left but it is like she is leaving things here and there that she could use to come back.

This cracks me up! Mine left her cat here too! I hated cats my whole life. She neglected him totally I'd come home and his bowl was empty water and food and he's just chilling here standing by it as she watches price is right or some TV show. So I started taking care of him. As soon as I did that boom, he wanted nothing to do with her. He'd hiss at her, only sit next to me. And of course I thought this was hysterical so I ate it up. But yep, I got a cat out of the deal too. Honestly? I wouldn't trade him for he either. He's awesome. Sleeps 20 hours a day in a leather recliner. He was my silent companion through a lot of hard nights. But we had a bond because we both hated her! ha ha. Too funny.

2 pieces of advice. Keep the cat. It's not his fault. I used to tell people, yes I have a cat now. Not my fault, I was granted full custody.  2. Start an eBay store and sell that crap $$ if you really are feeling vengeful, send her the link to the eBay store with all her stuff on there, with absolutely no explanation. Make her bid to win it all back. ha ha

Ditto, mine left her cat too.

[anxiety5]

One thing I want to add. She has left everything that is hers at my house without any attempt so far to get any of it back. It's not just a couple small things either. She left her footon, her bike (which I bought her for X-mas a couple years ago), her son's gaming chair, her son's basketball hoop, her Xmas stuff (tree, decorations, etc.), a box of family heirlooms, frozen food (in my freezer) bought for her kids, and a few other small items. Am I reading to much into this or might she not be asking for these things for a reason?

My ex left her cat.  The cat is lucky that I like animals.  So I think I may have inherited a cat.

She has left but it is like she is leaving things here and there that she could use to come back.

This cracks me up! Mine left her cat here too! I hated cats my whole life. She neglected him totally I'd come home and his bowl was empty water and food and he's just chilling here standing by it as she watches price is right or some TV show. So I started taking care of him. As soon as I did that boom, he wanted nothing to do with her. He'd hiss at her, only sit next to me. And of course I thought this was hysterical so I ate it up. But yep, I got a cat out of the deal too. Honestly? I wouldn't trade him for he either. He's awesome. Sleeps 20 hours a day in a leather recliner. He was my silent companion through a lot of hard nights. But we had a bond because we both hated her! ha ha. Too funny.

2 pieces of advice. Keep the cat. It's not his fault. I used to tell people, yes I have a cat now. Not my fault, I was granted full custody.  2. Start an eBay store and sell that crap $$ if you really are feeling vengeful, send her the link to the eBay store with all her stuff on there, with absolutely no explanation. Make her bid to win it all back. ha ha

Ditto, mine left her cat too.

Abandoned cats with PTSD from Ex BPD's... .? New Support Forum?

[hattrick]

I know this is a stupid question that really has no real answer but, if you could put a percentage on how many BPDs try to come back for a recycle what would your guesses be?

[enlighten me]

Sorry to say but each pwBPD is an individual. It all depends on their needs and how much you can fufill them. It also depends on where you fitted in with their needs. Yes they do form attachments to us nons but depending on what they did and how guilt/ shame ridden they are and if they where serious about you or you where a gap filler will be the deciding factor of whether yhey try for a recycle. It becomes less likely though if you have caught them out. That said though if they feel a strong attachment to you they may stil try even though you have caught yhem out.

[peiper]

Sorry to say but each pwBPD is an individual. It all depends on their needs and how much you can fufill them. It also depends on where you fitted in with their needs. Yes they do form attachments to us nons but depending on what they did and how guilt/ shame ridden they are and if they where serious about you or you where a gap filler will be the deciding factor of whether yhey try for a recycle. It becomes less likely though if you have caught them out. That said though if they feel a strong attachment to you they may stil try even though you have caught yhem out.

Actually my T said that my catching her cheating increased the chances because if she could get me back with my knowledge of her having cheated it would give her a bigger feeling of self worth.

[uncrx]

Sorry to say but each pwBPD is an individual. It all depends on their needs and how much you can fufill them. It also depends on where you fitted in with their needs. Yes they do form attachments to us nons but depending on what they did and how guilt/ shame ridden they are and if they where serious about you or you where a gap filler will be the deciding factor of whether yhey try for a recycle. It becomes less likely though if you have caught them out. That said though if they feel a strong attachment to you they may stil try even though you have caught yhem out.

Actually my T said that my catching her cheating increased the chances because if she could get me back with my knowledge of her having cheated it would give her a bigger feeling of self worth.

I caught my exBPDgf cheating and told her I never wanted to see or hear from her again and went NC. I realize that catching her exposed her and her feelings of shame and worthlessness, but since the breakup and going NC, she appears to be baiting me for a response or reaction. First with a letter of apology then attempting to triangulate me with the new victim by communicating through a friend.

Although she said that she had planned to tell me everything after being caught, I believe that she was only going to tell me a half truth just to gain control of our relationship which she felt she had lost. I do not believe it was ever her intention to end our relationship because it definitely met her needs.

Because she was caught with this card, she is forced to play it and is attempting to get me to play her game. I am not convinced that she is done with me or that she has moved on.

[peiper]

[/quote]

[peiper]

Sorry to say but each pwBPD is an individual. It all depends on their needs and how much you can fufill them. It also depends on where you fitted in with their needs. Yes they do form attachments to us nons but depending on what they did and how guilt/ shame ridden they are and if they where serious about you or you where a gap filler will be the deciding factor of whether yhey try for a recycle. It becomes less likely though if you have caught them out. That said though if they feel a strong attachment to you they may stil try even though you have caught yhem out.

Actually my T said that my catching her cheating increased the chances because if she could get me back with my knowledge of her having cheated it would give her a bigger feeling of self worth.

I caught my exBPDgf cheating and told her I never wanted to see or hear from her again and went NC. I realize that catching her exposed her and her feelings of shame and worthlessness, but since the breakup and going NC, she appears to be baiting me for a response or reaction. First with a letter of apology then attempting to triangulate me with the new victim by communicating through a friend.

Although she said that she had planned to tell me everything after being caught, I believe that she was only going to tell me a half truth just to gain control of our relationship which she felt she had lost. I do not believe it was ever her intention to end our relationship because it definitely met her needs.

Because she was caught with this card, she is forced to play it and is attempting to get me to play her game. I am not convinced that she is done with me or that she has moved on.  I don't think mine had any intention of ending it either, she just pushed it to far and it got out of her control. She invented a reason to throw a tantrum and say she was filling a divorce. I tried to reason with her (lost cause and I knew it) so she calls her brother and tells him I threatened to kill her. She leaves after packing all her clothes and taking every sheet and pillow in the house. Then the cops show up which pissed me off, so after they left I texted her to send me the divorce papers and I'll pay to file them which seemed to really make her mad. It was just an escalation in her games. After she left I found dated pictures of her with a guy dated five weeks after we were married. Sick