First time divorce talk, and promises to work it out?

[adventurer]

I finally told my wife that my unhappiness has reached levels that I don't think our marriage is fixable and that I was thinking about a divorce.  She was completely shocked and had an emotional breakdown.  Abandonment fears went into overdrive.  I have doubted BPD sometimes because she always has let me go and do what I want, but she admitted that everytime I go to the grocery store she is worried that I won't come back.

She wondered why I didn't tell her this stuff before and I reminded her that I've been telling her for years that I am unhappy that she isn't working or looking for work, that I'm doing all the work around the house and that I'm tired of being her caretaker and carrying her around as a burden.

She is now promising me that she is going to address these issues, as well as the denigrating and sarcastic way she treats me, which she claims is just humor but I see as baiting.  I do care for her and wish our marriage could work, we have a lot of great interests and activities in common.  I have told her I will improve my communication and tell her when things are bothering me instead of always trying to let things slide.

Am I being a complete idiot?  I don't know that she is capable of change.  I have told her that I don't have much trust that she will do what she says and worry that she is playing me for a fool.  Who's to say that she won't get a job and do great for awhile, then get another mystery illness and go back to being the helpless waif again?  I don't know if I'm being an idiot or not to keep trying.  I think about moving somewhere to be alone for awhile and clear my head so I can think about this, but it's unaffordable, we're struggling as it is.

I also keep having unfortunate worries popping into my head about my narcissistic mother freaking out and screaming at me for giving this another shot when she hates my wife and believes she is just a leech using me for my money.  I don't want her specter influencing my decisions about this but I do worry how much worse alimony and stuff like that would be the longer I wait to end this.

[maxen]

hi adventurer   i'm really sorry that things have reached such a pass. many of the details you mention in your post were true also in my marriage, so i feel sympathy with you.

nobody here can give a diagnosis, but the behaviors you describe are very characteristic of BPD. assuming that that's the case, we have to remember that pwBPD can learn to moderate their behaviors, with a commitment to therapy. does your wife think that her behaviors need attention? if not, would she be willing to attend a course of couples' therapy (on the idea that the marriage needs attention) with you? would you be willing to do that too?

my w was a disaster as a housemate, and finally i had to insist that we draw up a list of responsibilities and tasks that each would take care of. you say that your w has now promised to address the things you've raised with her, but of course you want to see results. would she be willing to go into detail, addressing specifics? you also say that you will work to improve your communication (and thing i should have done too). we have a set of resources that may be of interest, Communication tools (SET, PUVAS, DEARMAN). another article to consider is Supporting a Loved-One with Borderline Personality Disorder.

do you think any of that would help?

[adventurer]

thank you, maxen.  I will be reading those links you referred me to.

I believe you are correct with providing concrete specifics to her for things I need her to be doing, so there is accountability.  I will work on that with her.  I am very open to marriage counseling, she less so, but I think she would go now if I insisted.  I really would love her to see someone individually - I'm looking at my insurance now and hopefully can find someone well versed in personality disorders that she can talk to.  She is very isolated and doesn't have a good support network of friends or family, unfortunately.

In past marriages she has had counseling and individual therapy as well and she claims that it is useless.  I didn't know her then - maybe the therapists were not the right fit, maybe they were telling her things she didn't want to hear - I don't know.  I think if I insist she will go, though.

[maxen]

i know from experience that it's not always a fit with therapists. i went through a number over the years until i found two in a row (the first retired) that worked, and it's been a great help. so the generous interpretation (one you suggested) is that it didn't fit with her previously. i think it's important too, to know that you've tried all avenues.

[adventurer]

Any thoughts about how to 'demand' she go to therapy?

I've been thinking of saying how helpful my therapy has been to me, that I think she would really benefit from it, and ask her to please give it a try to help improve our relationship.  I have a list of therapists from my insurance of people who deal with personality disorder among other things, I won't be bringing up my amateur diagnosis with her.  I also am really trying to avoid ultimatums with her, though mentioning divorce has seemed to finally spur something in her.