This Constant Debate With Myself. Someone is Going to Loose, And it Will Be Me

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

I posted this on another board. Most comments were negative, as expected.

I am hoping to get a more positive response here... .Although I do want to be realistic.

I guess I dream of success... .

Thx

Like all of you, I am in a constant debate with myself over my ex BPD GF.

18 month relationship

She broke it off 4 months ago

She has a replacement bf.

I've been through it all, everything everyone has  listed... .Except... .Stalking, and recycle... .yet.

And yes... .The sex was great.

Funny thing... .near the end of the relationship, we would start to mess around and she would just take off her clothes and say " Put it in" !

She was into it... .But... .

One side of me wants her back in my life. She is a drug for me. And believe me, I have gone through full detox the past few months.

I am willing to actually take her back in a limited way, my boundaries, only seeing her on a limited basis... .Even if she dates other guys. Crazy !

Yes, I know that that's wishful thinking on my part.

FYI... .at this point I have no anger towards her. Really. I released all my anger 60 days ago when I finally figured this / her out.

I understand she has a disorder. Period.

No jealously as well... .Ok just a little.

I can rationalise all her behaviour and compartmentalise it. It also helps me to detach from her.

It was not personal.

But... .The other part of me KNOWS I can NEVER have a real relationship with her, the kind of relationship I need in my life. She had a disorder.

In fact, from day one I knew she was not for me long term, I didn't want to live my life with her chaos. But she is soo hot !

Here are things she said / text me and I just didn't get it. I didn't know about BPD.

Sex:

Dominate me in bed, Have your way with me, Rough me up a bit

Call me a ___

Emotions:

I love you and I'm in love with you.

Making love to you and you making love to me... .it's love !  So gentle, so consuming, so passionate, so deep moving.

I felt abandoned by you when you left

I want to be loved profusely, I want the fantasy !

I love you, but I'm going to leave you one day and find what I want.

You can never have me

No one knows me... .Trust me... .No one !

You are angry with me

I don't think you like me.

Accusations:

You're cheating on me

You have a girlfriend out of town

Apology:

Yes, I acted like an ass last nite. The worst part is that I don't remember a thing, just screaming at you for nothing

------

I know I have more pain coming my way. I just need to choose my poison !

Pain # 1. The pain of finally REALLY accepting what is, finally ending my plans to reunite with her, and my moving on. But having regrets for not trying one more time.

I finish detoxing from her and I am once again on my way to recovery.

Pain # 2

I let her recycle me, I try to set my boundaries, but I fail, it lasts for a short while. I experience more excruciating pain. Detox all over again, and I am back here once again on my way to recovery.

Either way... .I have pain coming my way. This I know. It's how much and how I handle it.

This hopefully will be the final dose of pain.

And the debate with myself continues... .

[In Pain]

I posted this on another board. Most comments were negative, as expected.

I am hoping to get a more positive response here... .Although I do want to be realistic.

I guess I dream of success... .

Thx

Like all of you, I am in a constant debate with myself over my ex BPD GF.

18 month relationship

She broke it off 4 months ago

She has a replacement bf.

I've been through it all, everything everyone has  listed... .Except... .Stalking, and recycle... .yet.

And yes... .The sex was great.

Funny thing... .near the end of the relationship, we would start to mess around and she would just take off her clothes and say " Put it in" !

She was into it... .But... .

One side of me wants her back in my life. She is a drug for me. And believe me, I have gone through full detox the past few months.

I am willing to actually take her back in a limited way, my boundaries, only seeing her on a limited basis... .Even if she dates other guys. Crazy !

Yes, I know that that's wishful thinking on my part.

FYI... .at this point I have no anger towards her. Really. I released all my anger 60 days ago when I finally figured this / her out.

I understand she has a disorder. Period.

No jealously as well... .Ok just a little.

I can rationalise all her behaviour and compartmentalise it. It also helps me to detach from her.

It was not personal.

But... .The other part of me KNOWS I can NEVER have a real relationship with her, the kind of relationship I need in my life. She had a disorder.

In fact, from day one I knew she was not for me long term, I didn't want to live my life with her chaos. But she is soo hot !

Here are things she said / text me and I just didn't get it. I didn't know about BPD.

Sex:

Dominate me in bed, Have your way with me, Rough me up a bit

Call me a ___

Emotions:

I love you and I'm in love with you.

Making love to you and you making love to me... .it's love !  So gentle, so consuming, so passionate, so deep moving.

I felt abandoned by you when you left

I want to be loved profusely, I want the fantasy !

I love you, but I'm going to leave you one day and find what I want.

You can never have me

No one knows me... .Trust me... .No one !

You are angry with me

I don't think you like me.

Accusations:

You're cheating on me

You have a girlfriend out of town

Apology:

Yes, I acted like an ass last nite. The worst part is that I don't remember a thing, just screaming at you for nothing

------

I know I have more pain coming my way. I just need to choose my poison !

Pain # 1. The pain of finally REALLY accepting what is, finally ending my plans to reunite with her, and my moving on. But having regrets for not trying one more time.

I finish detoxing from her and I am once again on my way to recovery.

Pain # 2

I let her recycle me, I try to set my boundaries, but I fail, it lasts for a short while. I experience more excruciating pain. Detox all over again, and I am back here once again on my way to recovery.

Either way... .I have pain coming my way. This I know. It's how much and how I handle it.

This hopefully will be the final dose of pain.

And the debate with myself continues... .