|
OutOfEgypt
|
 |
« Reply #1 on: October 21, 2014, 09:54:56 AM » |
|
It is really hard to say. There are many similarities between people with BPD (hence, the fact that there is a common diagnosis and so many articles), but each person is different, also. For example, not all BPD's are cheaters, but mine was. The bottom line is that you know him probably better than anyone else. Lots of well-meaning people told me what to do, but thankfully I did not listen to them. My gut and experience all along our very rocky relationship told me that when she feels cornered or desperate, she will do shady and even illegal things. Lie, cheat, and steal to get her way. And I was right. So, after some unfortunate occurrence with her making up things about me and filing a restraining order in order to gain control, I handled certain things accordingly, and so far it has proven to be good. I have to see my ex because we share children, but by and large we never fight. I take the "supportive but distant" role. When she tells me about her new plans, like when we exchange kids, I smile and say, "Good for you. That's cool," but I otherwise avoid all interpersonal communication and I never share anything personal with her.
Your intuition and learning has already led you to come to a few very good and healthy conclusions, such as that you know he will not "get it" if you try to explain things. I went through a period where I did, and it just contributed to the toxic nature of things. It either gave her ammunition to target and mock and smear me with, or it led her to continue to cling on as she asked me to labor through explanations of why I thought there was something wrong with her.
Are you afraid for your physical safety? What does your gut tell you? In my view, take what you think he is capable of and then add 10-20% to it, taking into account the llikelihood of things he might do that you totally did not anticipate. I did not anticipate that my ex would steal my wallet in order to retain an attorney with my own credit card and then file a restraining order so that she could get what she wants and "protect herself", because I'm apparently a "schemer". But it happened.
Is there a women's crisis support center near you? If so, you could talk to them about your concerns and see if they have any thoughts. If you fear physical harm, can you move easily? Can you go away for a while? In general, just know that there will likely be "extinction bursts" as the enmeshment is detached and detangled and as your departure triggers his abandonment fears. My ex went through these for a few weeks... .not too long. One moment, she would call me in the middle of the night, crying, telling me she will love me forever. The next moment, she was throwing and smashing things that I gave her over the years in the middle of the night while we all slept (or... .as we stayed in our rooms with the doors shut, wonder when she would stop, because I still lived in the same house at that time).
He will probably also try to revert to Mr. Perfect for a while. Suddenly, he will be a changed man and promise you changes and bliss, maybe even therapy. My ex did that, and I bought it. She even went to therapy for about 9 months. That is how we wound up in our final recycle. Eventually, things went the exact same way and she concluded that she had no idea why she was going because she didn't think there was anything wrong with her.
The overall goal is to leave as quickly as possible while preserving your own emotional and physical safety (which usually means triggering them as little as possible). When I ended things this last time, she still lived with me. I had no idea what she would do. I lived on edge for months until she moved out. But I basically lied to her in order to protect myself. I didn't say, "I think you are crazy." We had some heart-to-heart talks, but I basically said, "I just think we were two people who weren't right for each other, who got together too young and we didn't know how to make it work, though we really tried." She teared up and said, "Yeah, I'm glad you see it that way." The thing that was critical about this is that she had been saying these same things, so I was only repeating what she thinks. It made things go more peacefully, for sure. :)o I feel bad about bending the truth like that? No, not to protect myself and my kids.
But if he starts threatening you, do what you must to protect yourself. Write it down. File a restraining order if necessary. Avoid contact as much as possible. If he confronts you in person, don't stick it in his face... .instead be pleasant but detached and look for a way to get out of the situation as quickly as possible.
|
