Undecided as well.

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

The topic says it all.  I have read Stop Walking on Eggshells and recognize the behaviour in my wife but am unsure if she is BPD.  She has not been diagnosed.  Our marriage counselor suggested to me in private that he thought she was but to never tell her. 

We both have seperate therapists but I believe her therapist doesn't know what she is dealing with due to masking.  She says she is not making any progress in therapy after six weeks twice a week.

She has wild spending habits and stepped out on me several times with an S&M fetish that came about almost instantly. She claims she is not seeing anyone else.  And has not had those urges since she has been in therapy.  But I don't know what to believe because of all the lies I've caught her in.  I've been married to her for 8 years and have known her 12 years.  She claims to have been abused as a child and raped in college. 

I feel I do not know this person anymore but also can't seem to let her go.  I have my daughter and myself to focus on but I worry constantly she will commit suicide because she threatens me with it all the time.

There are spurts of happiness when we get together for coffee followed instantly by blaming me for this happening.  Stop Walking on Eggshells has taught me how to talk with her very effectively.

At this point, I feel like I'm stuck!

[allenv3]

The topic says it all.  I have read Stop Walking on Eggshells and recognize the behaviour in my wife but am unsure if she is BPD.  She has not been diagnosed.  Our marriage counselor suggested to me in private that he thought she was but to never tell her. 

We both have seperate therapists but I believe her therapist doesn't know what she is dealing with due to masking.  She says she is not making any progress in therapy after six weeks twice a week.

She has wild spending habits and stepped out on me several times with an S&M fetish that came about almost instantly. She claims she is not seeing anyone else.  And has not had those urges since she has been in therapy.  But I don't know what to believe because of all the lies I've caught her in.  I've been married to her for 8 years and have known her 12 years.  She claims to have been abused as a child and raped in college. 

I feel I do not know this person anymore but also can't seem to let her go.  I have my daughter and myself to focus on but I worry constantly she will commit suicide because she threatens me with it all the time.

There are spurts of happiness when we get together for coffee followed instantly by blaming me for this happening.  Stop Walking on Eggshells has taught me how to talk with her very effectively.

At this point, I feel like I'm stuck!

[jadedcat]

A BPD person is a master manipulator. You say you have a therapist. Is that person helpful? Do you have supportive friends? Surround yourself with those people who can help remind you of your true self, because it is ever so easy for it to get lost in the confusion and deliberate obfuscation.

[maxen]

hi allenv3   i have sympathy with your situation, as some of what you described also described my r/s. married 8 years, knew each other before that, undiagnosed, her therapist doesn't see it, my therapists have seen it, wild spending habits, other-blaming. it's so painful. unfortunately for me, i never developed the communication skills that WoE or this site present. i hope they are helping you. if she does have BPD, six weeks won't be enough time to see progress, as i understand.

is the daughter yours or yours both? how old is she? how does she react to your wife?

[allenv3]

You say you have a therapist. Is that person helpful? Do you have supportive friends?

Yes.  My therapist pointed out that I have abandonment issues.  Which I believe will help me either give her up or set boundaries.  Yes and No my friends all tell me to leave her.  They are soothing to talk to though.  I did figure out from my sister who is my strongest supporter (and hers) I cannot listen to anyone but me.

[allenv3]

is the daughter yours or yours both? how old is she? how does she react to your wife?

Daughter is mine from another marriage but this W has raised her for half of her life. 15yrs old.  She can't stand what she has done to me but loves her just the same.  But she did ask me:  ":)ad, would you leave a cancer patient?"--quite amazing for a 15yr old.

[allenv3]

Had a big blow up today with uBPDw separated.  She missed a parent teacher conference last night (blew it off--who knows) and she accused me of accusing her she was cheating.  I simply asked for an update of how it went.  Then she texted me don't call her or text her again--ever.  We have been separated for about 6 now.  I gave in and apologized.  I immediately knew I had screwed up.  I'm stuck guys help... .

This roller coaster will never stop.

[adventurer]

I gave in and apologized.  I immediately knew I had screwed up.  I'm stuck guys help... .

You know, I beat myself up all the time about mistakes just like this one.  Someone advised me, we are only human and there will be slip ups here and there.  Don't take it to heart, just accept yourself as you are and move forward.  We are all here learning as much as we can and applying it to our lives the best we know how.

[maxen]

I gave in and apologized.  I immediately knew I had screwed up. 

how did you feel, when you realized that you'd screwed up? do you want to feel that way again?

[Aussie0zborn]

She has just handed you a "get out of jail free" card and you didn't use it. I'm sure that's not the first time you screwed up and caved in and it won't be the last so do t worry. You soon get used to your screw-ups.

Your daughter doesn't like the way your wife treats you but she still loves her? 15 yo girls are fiercely loyal but as we know even abused children love their parents, and puppy dogs always run back if you kick them away. This alone is not a good deciding factor in determining whether you should stay or go. I'm sure that you have more reasons to leave than your daughter even knows about. You're the adult here and you need to make the decision for yourself and your daughter without making her feel that her feelings have not been considered.

Man up and get your kid out of there lest your daughter thinks that this is how men should be treated and goes on to have a life of failed relationships herself.

A whole new healthy life awaits you. One that is free of daily conflict, manipulation, (insert other BPD traits here : ____________). Good luck.

[allenv3]

Wow, tough love Aussie.  I am slowly mustering the courage everyday to leave her.  But she owes me money.  As soon as she settles up I will most likely pull the plug. 

Went out with friends tonight for a movie and it felt fantastic.  She only enters my mind now every half hour instead of every five minutes.  I assume that gets longer as time goes by?

My white-knight syndrome is decreasing everyday.

[maxen]

just one item:

But she owes me money.  As soon as she settles up I will most likely pull the plug.

is it alot of money? if it isn't, you may want to let it go. please don't make your happiness subordinate to money, and if my BPD experience is anything to go by she won't willingly return it.

are you still undecided?

[allenv3]

She paid me today. After blowing me off for 5 days (I'll pay you tomorrow)  Albeit not near enough what she owes me but from a prior documented agreement.  She downplayed the amount and justified in her mind why it was less (in her mind at least).  I wouldn't let her in the house for fear of a blow up because moving boxes are scattered here and there.  TOO LATE FOR THAT. She saw them and flipped.  But she's the one who told me she wanted me to move.

Then proceeded to tell me it was all my fault because I kicked her out.  In the meantime she is living comfortably with Mom & Dad with no bills whatsoever.

I'm selling some furniture on craigslist and had them on the front porch. SHe asked why I was selling all the stuff.  I responded I have no choice, I can't afford to feed myself or my daughter.  We went from 2 incomes to one now with the same amount of bills. She flipped thinking I was selling all her stuff but it was my stuff before we even met.  She asked about the dishes.  THE DISHES!  I made a comment that youre about to lose your husband and daughter you raised for half of her life and youre worried about the dishes?  I've no intention of taking the dishes or selling them.


Leaning 90% to leaving.  This is complete hell and torture on my soul.

[maxen]

She paid me today.

excellent!

After blowing me off for 5 days (I'll pay you tomorrow)  Albeit not near enough what she owes me but from a prior documented agreement.  She downplayed the amount and justified in her mind why it was less (in her mind at least).

all of which is certainly characteristic of BPD, as are the other things you mentioned, especially the fundamental reaction that someone else must be responsible. i know this is an ongoing situation; be mindful of JADEing (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=205038.msg12280854#msg12280854).

[allenv3]

Went no contact today.  Just 30 days.  It was so sad seeing the pain in her eyes.  Luckily I did it in front of the marriage counselor.

This is so sad but I guess it helps with both of our healing?