today I have lost hope

[jellibeans]

I am tired today and I am having a hard time holding on to hope for my dd17. She continues to struggle along. Last night I found her smoking pot in her closet. Yesterday was also the day she had a visit from the person overseeing her court case witch is suppose to come to trial soon. He came and spent a long time talking with her... .lecturing her ... .guiding her. He told her he was going to recommend the charges against her be dropped (evading police) This is something that has weighed heavy on her and knowing that the charges will most likely be dropped was uplifting for all of us... .so why does she go and smoke drugs in her room the very same day? why?

She had a car accident a few weeks back and she had told us she would get a job and pay us back... .she has not looked for a job even when I give her leads that I have heard of.

I have offered to take her to school for visits... .tours etc... .she has turned each offer down.

She just doesn't care... .she has no goals and is so self destructive... .why

it is getting harder and hard to care for someone that doesn't care about themselves... .she will be 18 next year and I feel I have done all that I can... .she has damaged our family... .my marriage and it is destroying me... .I have no hope today and I am not sure I can find it tomorrow. How many times can your heart be broken?

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[lever.]

Oh, Jellibeans-I am so sorry. You are usually a beacon of positivity.

I think most of us have days of dark discouragement like this.

Please take heart. I have been there (minus the drugs but with drink, self-harm, overdoses, days spent in bed, drunken phone calls threatening to jump off bridges, no motivation).

It has taken a long time but my daughter is now living a reasonable life-its not problem free but she would not meet full criteria for BPD now.

There is a possibility of improvement -in our case DD was 28 when things started to turn a corner and It started in her early teens.

At times I have felt that I just don't care anymore-and I know my relationship with my daughter has been damaged -but we DO care.

Time to take a break and look after you.

[Pou]

I am tired today and I am having a hard time holding on to hope for my dd17. She continues to struggle along. Last night I found her smoking pot in her closet. Yesterday was also the day she had a visit from the person overseeing her court case witch is suppose to come to trial soon. He came and spent a long time talking with her... .lecturing her ... .guiding her. He told her he was going to recommend the charges against her be dropped (evading police) This is something that has weighed heavy on her and knowing that the charges will most likely be dropped was uplifting for all of us... .so why does she go and smoke drugs in her room the very same day? why?

She had a car accident a few weeks back and she had told us she would get a job and pay us back... .she has not looked for a job even when I give her leads that I have heard of.

I have offered to take her to school for visits... .tours etc... .she has turned each offer down.

She just doesn't care... .she has no goals and is so self destructive... .why

it is getting harder and hard to care for someone that doesn't care about themselves... .she will be 18 next year and I feel I have done all that I can... .she has damaged our family... .my marriage and it is destroying me... .I have no hope today and I am not sure I can find it tomorrow. How many times can your heart be broken?

Sorry to hear that … if you could step back and not seeing this as PD … perhaps, she is just finding her own way in this world.  Sometimes, teenagers pushes back more when you try to lead … give her a bit space, perhaps ask what she wants to do … you may hear something you don't want to hear ... but if you think perhaps she is still looking for her own way ... maybe lost at times, which we all did and may still be for many of us… give yourself a break, give her some room … and see how that turns out.  I know you are a parent who cares… and that is hard to do when you feel like you should be doing something. 

[tristesse]

Hi jellibeans.

I'm sorry that you had to experience the let down after the good news. It should have been a joyous day.

I feel for you and the anguish that you must you be feeling.

I have been down the road of disappointment so many times I cant even count any more, and there have been days where I just feel like giving up and tossing in the towel. I get mad and upset and my heart gets broken time and time again.

BUT... .I never give in, I never succumb to it, because in between all of the drama and all of the heart

ache and all of the raging, lies my beautiful little girl. She will do something or say something that helps me remember her in the good ole days, the days before the BPD, and I feel all of that love and warmth all over again. I then realize, I will deal with her and struggle with her til my dying day if that's what it takes, but I will never give up.

I think it's time for you to take a much needed break, a time-out from all of it. Do something for yourself, relax for a brief period of time and rejuvenate. You deserve it.

Hang in there friend. I will say a prayer for you.

[Rapt Reader]

jellibeans, I know just what you mean, and I've been there in the past... .

If it were my own son--maybe 2 years ago or so (and for the 20 years before that)-- the pot-smoking at a time where you would expect her to be praising the Lord and walking the straight and narrow from now on as thanks for her legal situation being resolved positively, would have a simple explanation. My hunch is that she was celebrating her good fortune, not actually knowingly showing disrespect for all the hard work you have been doing for her, or the support you have been giving her.

My son's go-to activity when he was celebrating, self-soothing or comforting himself, or trying to "feel happy like a normal person" was always his drug of choice at the time. Sad but true... .And it had nothing to do with me or my wishes or hopes and dreams, or anything that meant anything to me. It was him and his disorder, depression, ADD, etc.

He also (especially at your daughter's age) was goal-less, irresponsible and self-destructive. Take heart, jellibeans... .you know what her troubles stem from at her young age and can navigate her actions way better than I ever could have, since we didn't get the diagnosis till he was 36 years old. We had lots of years of tug and pull because I took everything so personally, and ascribed his behaviors to poor character or defiance, and there were many years of explosive encounters because I just didn't know what was really going on in his head.

Of course you are discouraged, and feeling like giving up... .And I'm sure that if you give yourself some space from her behaviors--to depersonalize them and detach from them with love--you will regroup tomorrow or the next day (or the next   ). Keep in mind that once my son finally realized what his problems were stemming from and got the treatments and Therapies to help him, he began recovery and has been doing great ever since.

It's possible for a happy ending here for you and your daughter, too, jellibeans 

[SeaSprite]

 

Sometimes maybe losing hope is a good thing... .or at least a self-preservation thing. Your heart and brain are telling you that she is almost a young adult, and while you'll do everything you can for her, there are limits to what you CAN do.

Sometimes the only thing left is to step back, and to be a role model. Do the things that would make your life make sense for you even if she never gets her stuff together.  I think it's one of the reasons things like this are often harder on us moms, we aren't as good at compartmentalizing our lives as many dads are.

Give yourself time to cry and rage and kick the trees and tell the sky that it isn't fair. Because it isn't. And then do some things for YOU. Because you are worth it.

[pallavirajsinghani]

It seems to me that what you feel is,  "losing hope"; sounds more like the beginning of the healthy, "radical acceptance".

This is not hopelessness... .this is the beginning of your understanding of your own limitations against mental disorders... .beginning of acceptance that love is sadly not a cure.

Hang in there... .

[jellibeans]

I can't really express how thankful I am for everyones reply... .I think everyone had a nugget I could hold on to and think about. It is true I do need to step back and just take a break for now. When you lose hope you really lose everything and that is such a sad place to be... .tomorrow is another day and I will start again. thank you all... .your advice is so helpful to me.

[nzmum]

 Jellibeans

I have put a Dalai-Lama quotes app on my phone (not a religious person per-say but am trying anything I can right now to boost me along this path! Someone on the board said it helped her so... . ) and have just searched for a few little somethings for you:

"Although you may not always be able to avoid difficult situations, you can modify the extent to which you can suffer by how you choose to respond to the situation."  

and loved this one : " Choose to be optimistic, it feels better"  

" No matter what sort of difficulties or how painful experience is, if we lose our hope that's our real disaster."  

So here's to your tomorrow - which is my today in NZ! - may it be full of hope, love and if necessary a [glass of wine]  _{insert your favouite tipple or comfort food here}

[Thursday]

So many folks here REALLY get it and you have gotten such good replies.

I especially respect pallis's point of view-

It seems to me that what you feel is,  "losing hope"; sounds more like the beginning of the healthy, "radical acceptance".

I'm not sure that any of us with kids who abuse substances truly understand why they abuse substances. Was this your daughter's celebration or did the news that she might be off the hook for charges relating to her evading police get under her skin, remind her of her bad choices

or

maybe she was thinking of something else. Maybe she just felt like getting high because it changes her mind-set, gives her relief from the uncomfortable way she feels when she is faced with change or self-reflection.

Maybe this is the way she avoids negative feelings about herself.

With my SD, looking for a job is very overwhelming. She engages in so much negative self-talk when she is faced with stepping out to find a job. For about a year she sat on her butt  and mooched off of anyone who would allow it. She failed to follow leads or would follow leads too late and ultimately it took her experience of having everyone she could mooch money from telling her NO for her to understand that she did need to find a job.

Currently my SD is working. She lives rent free with a family member- we do not support her financially with very few exceptions (her Dad co-signed a car loan for her but doesn't pay the note and they have a written contract about what will happen if she fails to pay her note). However- she works only three days a week and has a lot of free time on her hands and

she has gotten three speeding tickets since she bought the new car. And she is still spending money recklessly.

We have discussed that she needs to stop spending and speeding, that she needs another job to keep her busy and out of trouble and in order to save for a rainy day. We have the discussions and it seems to have zero affect.

Radical acceptance means that we watch events unfold- certain that life itself will work the magic that life itself works- which means that her experiences will relate to her efforts (or not... .she is such a lucky girl! and sometimes even when she does nothing good things still happen for her.)

Currently, instead of being bugged by how much good luck she has (I have NEVER been blessed with very much good luck) I am thankful that she is

A-sober

B-doesn't live with us and has a decent roof over her head'

C-that she hasn't burned bridges with the family member she lives with

D-that she has the one job

E- that she has paid her car note for six months with no problems

F- that she is doing better in general

G- that we are not afflicted with her drama

Having turned myself inside out with worry never did a thing to help her nor did it ever change any of her behaviors. The only thing that really works for my SD is to set boundaries and hold tight, to love her despite her issues, to support her with validation and most important-

let her find her way HER WAY

Because it is only in finding her own way that she learns. There is no protecting her from herself. This is such a hard thing to do when you watch someone who has very little common sense, little empathy for how she makes others feel and who can watch others fail and still make the same mistakes herself. Heck- she makes the mistakes herself and still makes the same mistakes over again until the POO hits the fan.

One thing I have learned is that sometimes the POO doesn't even hit the fan.

And for me (and maybe for you) her sense of entitlement really gets under my skin. But that is my problem, not hers. I've got a place where I drop little pieces of paper on which I have written the words UGH and GROSS and ENTITLED when I experience moments of her entitlement... .it helps me to understand that I have negative feelings that do nothing to forward her life... .but I still need to get rid of them and so I do by dropping the papers in and moving on.

Take care of yourself sweetie!

Thursday

[mama72]

jellibeans,

How I wish I had some wonderful advice for you. But, all I can say is, never lose hope. You never know what tomorrow will bring.

Praying for you today. I know how if feel to be low on hope, it is not a good place to be.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[theplotthickens]

I know EXACTLY how you feel.  It is OK to be angry and to be frustrated - you certainly have given your dd the benefit of the doubt and gone over and above to help her.

You are a good mom, and don't deserve this.  The hope I can offer you is that they will not always be teenagers, and that this phase will pass. 

Our BPD teens cannot handle freedom.  It stinks.  They are immature, manipulative, and dishonest. They make us feel sorry for them, and then turn around and stab us in the heart.   It is hard to accept that, isn't it!

It works for me to accept my own emotions, anger, disappointment, grief, and sadness head-on.  I am so glad you are posting.  We get it!  We really do.  You are a good mom, and so unselfish.  It is easy to get burned out when we are living with a long term illness, plus teen junk and addictive tendencies.

You are only responsible for YOUR behavior as a parent.  You make good choices.  Pull back the reigns and have her earn back trust over time.  Don't let her manipulate you into giving her freedom back too soon.  You can do it!   Tomorrow will be a new day.  We are all in this together. Prayers for you to find hope again.