So many folks here REALLY get it and you have gotten such good replies.
I especially respect pallis's point of view-
It seems to me that what you feel is, "losing hope"; sounds more like the beginning of the healthy, "radical acceptance".
I'm not sure that any of us with kids who abuse substances truly understand why they abuse substances. Was this your daughter's celebration or did the news that she might be off the hook for charges relating to her evading police get under her skin, remind her of her bad choices
or
maybe she was thinking of something else. Maybe she just felt like getting high because it changes her mind-set, gives her relief from the uncomfortable way she feels when she is faced with change or self-reflection.
Maybe this is the way she avoids negative feelings about herself.
With my SD, looking for a job is very overwhelming. She engages in so much negative self-talk when she is faced with stepping out to find a job. For about a year she sat on her butt and mooched off of anyone who would allow it. She failed to follow leads or would follow leads too late and ultimately it took her experience of having everyone she could mooch money from telling her NO for her to understand that she did need to find a job.
Currently my SD is working. She lives rent free with a family member- we do not support her financially with very few exceptions (her Dad co-signed a car loan for her but doesn't pay the note and they have a written contract about what will happen if she fails to pay her note). However- she works only three days a week and has a lot of free time on her hands and
she has gotten three speeding tickets since she bought the new car. And she is still spending money recklessly.
We have discussed that she needs to stop spending and speeding, that she needs another job to keep her busy and out of trouble and in order to save for a rainy day. We have the discussions and it seems to have zero affect.
Radical acceptance means that we watch events unfold- certain that life itself will work the magic that life itself works- which means that her experiences will relate to her efforts (or not... .she is such a lucky girl! and sometimes even when she does nothing good things still happen for her.)
Currently, instead of being bugged by how much good luck she has (I have NEVER been blessed with very much good luck) I am thankful that she is
A-sober
B-doesn't live with us and has a decent roof over her head'
C-that she hasn't burned bridges with the family member she lives with
D-that she has the one job
E- that she has paid her car note for six months with no problems
F- that she is doing better in general
G- that we are not afflicted with her drama
Having turned myself inside out with worry never did a thing to help her nor did it ever change any of her behaviors. The only thing that really works for my SD is to set boundaries and hold tight, to love her despite her issues, to support her with validation and most important-
let her find her way HER WAY
Because it is only in finding her own way that she learns. There is no protecting her from herself. This is such a hard thing to do when you watch someone who has very little common sense, little empathy for how she makes others feel and who can watch others fail and still make the same mistakes herself. Heck- she makes the mistakes herself and still makes the same mistakes over again until the POO hits the fan.
One thing I have learned is that sometimes the POO doesn't even hit the fan.
And for me (and maybe for you) her sense of entitlement really gets under my skin. But that is my problem, not hers. I've got a place where I drop little pieces of paper on which I have written the words UGH and GROSS and ENTITLED when I experience moments of her entitlement... .it helps me to understand that I have negative feelings that do nothing to forward her life... .but I still need to get rid of them and so I do by dropping the papers in and moving on.
Take care of yourself sweetie!
Thursday
