Crazy making with sister and mom

[Our abuse recovery guide]

            I made a big mistake today.   Ive actually been making many mistakes.

                              I got in a huge fight today with my sister and mom.  I dont know what happened I guess I got triggered. I feel bad because I was doing so well dealing with them.  I thought I had my self under control regardless of what my sister does.  I was wrong. 

                               Today they went to church so my sister didnt make her usual showing by coming up here to sit with dogs or do what ever she does.  I know some of you dont know this whole story so Ill do my best to be as clear as I can as far as details. Im staying at my Aunt's house to take care of the animals here because my Aunt had a stroke and is being taken care of next door where my mom and sister live.

                              I moved here to help out, mainly to feed and take care of the animals here but Ive bee having a serious problem getting along with my sister. Im confused because my sister was practically begging me to come here to help out, and now that Im here she wont let go of this responsibility. I havent had a day with out  her driving up here and its been tough because we have been arguing on and off since Ive moved here and everytime I know she's here it makes me so tense. She's bossy and in my mind has been a real bully to me.

                            I called my mom and asked her,  why is she all ways up here. I tried to explain to her that I just needed a little space.  Like just a day.  Well, my mom sided with her and would not understand where I was coming from. She refused. Like Im out of my mind for feeling the way I did. Telling me I had no choice but to allow her to come up here, that shes been doing this for 2 years and that she wasnt going to stop.  Do you know what she does?  She goes into the living room and sits with the dogs while watching dog TV. and now she takes one for a walk because I said something earlier about them being out of control and untrained.  The dog needs to run. The dog needs one owner to spend time with it all the time. Instead Im living with it and 2 others that wont go out side but stay coped up in the room with Dog tv running 24/7.   

                          What she is doing doesnt make sense to me. Why is she here all the time? Shes not training the dog. One short walk around the house?  They have 6 other dogs at their home.  Those dogs have had more attention from me then I think they ever had with anyone in their whole lives. why?  Because I live here and I spend time with them every time I go to the kitchen and I go to the kitchen a lot. 

                          Well,  I got into this fight with my mom about  my sister again... .and she kept hanging up on me.     

I lost control and I regret it. I went storming out side where she was and sure enough,  there she was with her F-in phone to ear talking to my mom.  I started yelling and going on because I want my horses in the other pasture so i can ride,  and Im fed up with  everything I ask my sister,  that I want to do,  she says no.  She's no right. This place is mine too. Its really awful.   

                                Before I knew it my mom drives up here with my Aunt in the passenger seat! Why?  The house isnt on fire...   The poor old lady has a walker. She gets out and here we go two against one. Niether of them want to understand why I am so upset. They dont care. Im just bad.  My mother got out of the car saying the most viral thing to my sister, saying whos cares about those horses! She  can just go,  or something like that.

I dont have a clue why she was saying that?    From there I was attacked and accused of being the one attacking. I never was able to finish a senstense. Then I come to find out everything I had said to my mother in confidence about my problem with my sister was told to my sister.  and then I was accused of doing things to split up the family. what?

                               OH,  none of it made any sense to me.  Then I tried to say , look,  I know Im not perfect,what ever im doing Ill try to change but you need too understand you are doing things too.  This idea was tottaly rejected.Then I got attacked some more accused of things that werent true,  they wouldnt allow the space to defend myself at all! My sister is crazy and my mom knows it,  but she still sides with her. What the heck?

                                   What was the worst of this was that in the middle of the whole thing, my sister started it and my mom followed, She said, Thats it.  Youve got to Go! yes youve got to go!  I couldnt believe it! This is family.  I have no where to go!  I have no money!  I came there to help them and I have been but my sister is making up all these stories to support her side that I havnt helped her with this and that.  IT was such crap!  I have no where to go and they know it! What were they thinking?  I cant think of anything crueler right now.

                            Finally my sister drove off and my mom remained, and Im sorry but I started crying. And all of a sudden like magic,   my nice mom who has been my friend, who has told me over and over again how grateful she is that Im there,  is back!   now shes understanding and hears what Im saying.  and everything is back to normal again.

                  Normal my butt!     Id like to know what is going on here?   I call my dad and we had a really, really good talk.  He played impartial and Im glad but still very validating.  He said he would pay for me to find a counselor.   Thank God... .thats all I can say right now.   

[goingtostopthis]

            I made a big mistake today.   Ive actually been making many mistakes.

                              I got in a huge fight today with my sister and mom.  I dont know what happened I guess I got triggered. I feel bad because I was doing so well dealing with them.  I thought I had my self under control regardless of what my sister does.  I was wrong. 

                               Today they went to church so my sister didnt make her usual showing by coming up here to sit with dogs or do what ever she does.  I know some of you dont know this whole story so Ill do my best to be as clear as I can as far as details. Im staying at my Aunt's house to take care of the animals here because my Aunt had a stroke and is being taken care of next door where my mom and sister live.

                              I moved here to help out, mainly to feed and take care of the animals here but Ive bee having a serious problem getting along with my sister. Im confused because my sister was practically begging me to come here to help out, and now that Im here she wont let go of this responsibility. I havent had a day with out  her driving up here and its been tough because we have been arguing on and off since Ive moved here and everytime I know she's here it makes me so tense. She's bossy and in my mind has been a real bully to me.

                            I called my mom and asked her,  why is she all ways up here. I tried to explain to her that I just needed a little space.  Like just a day.  Well, my mom sided with her and would not understand where I was coming from. She refused. Like Im out of my mind for feeling the way I did. Telling me I had no choice but to allow her to come up here, that shes been doing this for 2 years and that she wasnt going to stop.  Do you know what she does?  She goes into the living room and sits with the dogs while watching dog TV. and now she takes one for a walk because I said something earlier about them being out of control and untrained.  The dog needs to run. The dog needs one owner to spend time with it all the time. Instead Im living with it and 2 others that wont go out side but stay coped up in the room with Dog tv running 24/7.   

                          What she is doing doesnt make sense to me. Why is she here all the time? Shes not training the dog. One short walk around the house?  They have 6 other dogs at their home.  Those dogs have had more attention from me then I think they ever had with anyone in their whole lives. why?  Because I live here and I spend time with them every time I go to the kitchen and I go to the kitchen a lot. 

                          Well,  I got into this fight with my mom about  my sister again... .and she kept hanging up on me.     

I lost control and I regret it. I went storming out side where she was and sure enough,  there she was with her F-in phone to ear talking to my mom.  I started yelling and going on because I want my horses in the other pasture so i can ride,  and Im fed up with  everything I ask my sister,  that I want to do,  she says no.  She's no right. This place is mine too. Its really awful.   

                                Before I knew it my mom drives up here with my Aunt in the passenger seat! Why?  The house isnt on fire...   The poor old lady has a walker. She gets out and here we go two against one. Niether of them want to understand why I am so upset. They dont care. Im just bad.  My mother got out of the car saying the most viral thing to my sister, saying whos cares about those horses! She  can just go,  or something like that.

I dont have a clue why she was saying that?    From there I was attacked and accused of being the one attacking. I never was able to finish a senstense. Then I come to find out everything I had said to my mother in confidence about my problem with my sister was told to my sister.  and then I was accused of doing things to split up the family. what?

                               OH,  none of it made any sense to me.  Then I tried to say , look,  I know Im not perfect,what ever im doing Ill try to change but you need too understand you are doing things too.  This idea was tottaly rejected.Then I got attacked some more accused of things that werent true,  they wouldnt allow the space to defend myself at all! My sister is crazy and my mom knows it,  but she still sides with her. What the heck?

                                   What was the worst of this was that in the middle of the whole thing, my sister started it and my mom followed, She said, Thats it.  Youve got to Go! yes youve got to go!  I couldnt believe it! This is family.  I have no where to go!  I have no money!  I came there to help them and I have been but my sister is making up all these stories to support her side that I havnt helped her with this and that.  IT was such crap!  I have no where to go and they know it! What were they thinking?  I cant think of anything crueler right now.

                            Finally my sister drove off and my mom remained, and Im sorry but I started crying. And all of a sudden like magic,   my nice mom who has been my friend, who has told me over and over again how grateful she is that Im there,  is back!   now shes understanding and hears what Im saying.  and everything is back to normal again.

                  Normal my butt!     Id like to know what is going on here?   I call my dad and we had a really, really good talk.  He played impartial and Im glad but still very validating.  He said he would pay for me to find a counselor.   Thank God... .thats all I can say right now.   

[goingtostopthis]

  Ok,   Now I understand what my mom was talking about.  The two older horses I wanted to move to another pasture. I thought she was talking about my horses! Like who cares about her horses! Thats exactly what it sounded like.She was angry when she said it.

 Man.  its incredible how things can be misunderstood,  but even still I care about the retired horses a lot. Theyre cool warm bloods. beautiful.

        Its like my sister is so full of fear she refuses to trust me when Ive been working with horses all my life, if they werent to work out in this other field, why on earth would I stand by and let something bad happen? I know horses better then she knows her own finger and she knows it.

                                                         There is no sense here.  



                         What this is saying to me personally is that she doesnt care about what is one of the most important things to me in my life. Which is who I am. Id die with my horse to ride. How can she be this way knowing that I have been training my horses for Dressage for that last 15 years? Its like she putting a blind eye to everything I am and tagging it with non importance.  She doesnt care. She's trivializing this to me by her behavior right in front of my face.  Dont I have a reason to be upset? To feel hurt?

[Harri]

Hello goingTST.  I am sorry things are still so frustrating and difficult for you right now.  I understand that you feel invalidated, ganged up on, and that you are caught up in their game.

They are playing a game though.  It is a game between the two of them and you are the outsider.  The good news is, you have discovered a few things that will help you not to get caught up in their antics:

First:  anything you say to your mother will be passed along to your sister. So only tell your mother things you want to have passed along to your sister.

Second:  Your mother and sister are a pair.  They have been together 20 years and have formed a wacky bond.  You will not be able to break it so stop trying.  They feed each other.  So, tied to the above, appealing to one about the other is only going to blow up in your face.  So don't do it.  They will gang up on you and they will attack you.  Be prepared and recognize that it is all about them and their needs and has nothing to do with you and walk away.

Third:  Your sister appears to be emotionally invested in being the one in charge and it sounds like she sees herself as a martyr.  Let her be a martyr.  Put your foot down about the horses and if it were me, I would tell her house otherwise you will be taking over their care and making sure they run a few hours a day.

Fourth:  anything they say about you is designed to keep everyone in their roles.  You by just being you are upsetting the status quo.  They have a system set up and you are messing it up so they are frantically trying to set things back to their "normal".  Expect them to get upset.  Expect them to try to argue with you.  Instead of defending, reasoning, and justifying yourself, (ie JADE'ing) don't.  :)o what you need to do to take good care of your horses.  Put them in the pasture you want them in.

Five:  You sister seems to view your home as hers.  LOCK your doors.  

Six:  The dogs need more exercise than she is giving them, so when she walk one, take the other two out for a run.

I don't know how much of what I wrote above is possible in terms of the horses and dogs especially, only you do, but the other stuff... .you need to stop playing the same role you have always played.  Stop appealing to your mother to back you up.  She has betrayed you time after time, so she is clearly not trustworthy.  

So what if you lost your cool and yelled or cried?  I don't think that was a mistake.  You are human and you have emotions.  You are bound to yell a bit, especially when you first start dealing with them like this.  This is a hard situation so go easy on yourself.  

I do not mean to sound harsh and I hope I do not.  I have read every post of yours since you started posting on this board and the things I outlined above are common themes.  You have to stop trying to appeal to them.  You have to stop expecting them to act like a normal mother and sister.  They are toxic, controlling and manipulating people.  The only way to make things better for yourself is to change your role, put up boundaries and stop feeding the animals.  Figure out what they are looking for as a way of response from you that feeds them and stop giving it to them.  Stop allowing them to "make you" feel inferior or whatever it is.  Like Wools said in another thread, get a mantra and use it until it is worn out... .

Again, I do not mean to sound harsh.  It is easy for me to see things from here because I am not directly involved.  I still don't think you made a mistake though.  You will get upset and frustrated, that is normal.  Try your hardest not to let them see it but if they do, so be it.  If you are going to set boundaries you have to stick to them every single time.  Read about extinction bursts (there are a couple articles on this site and you can google it.)  You will learn why it is so very important to stick to your boundaries.  Tackle one or two things at a time to make them more manageable.

You are doing a fine job of this goingTST.  

PS  I just read your second post.  There is no sense to be found here.  Stop looking for it.  

PSS  I just posted this video to another thread, but you might get something out of it as well:  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gAnJp0qujZs  It is called "why your family hates you"  Give it a look and see what you think.

[goingtostopthis]

Thank You Harri,


                   Youre helping me to calm now.  One thing Ive been noticing about myself is that I have at times been reacting just like I used to when I was 10 or 12 years old,  even 16.   Ya,  those two were a couple even far back as then.  I dont feel I really had a mother,  I had two sisters.    Kind of sucks when youre the youngest.  Its like Im accidently falling back into the old pattern.  The pattern they want.  Who cares if Im in my early 50;s.  I guess its kind of meaningless, though it shouldnt be.    

                      I feel Im being pulled towards these old patterns and sometimes the feeing is so strong. For example.  I will be working all day here, unpacking,  taking care of the cats and horses, cleaning out the garage etc.  I'll be tired and ready for a break for awhile. I ll go into my room close the door and have some fun on FB or watching tv. and as soon as I sit down,    guess who comes driving up the lane.    I have such a hard time sitting still and continuing what Im doing. I get this compulsion to get out of my room really fast and start doing something., ot to start looking like Im doing something. ,so it doesnt look to her that Ive been in here all day. I get anxious and feel like, Oh I better get bussy because if I dont shes going to come knock on my door making assumptions and start telling me what I should do,  or say,  why havent you done this,  or some criticism. This business is ingrained from my childhood and her bossiness.  I make myself stay right where I am but basically I cant relax until she gone. So far she hasnt come seeking after me like this and if she wants to think Im hiding in my room then let her, who cares.   I know whats going on with me and thats all that's important.             This is something I need to work on.


Youre suggestions are great.  Thank you... . I reading over them again.  I might print it,  but hide it, you know. I have  a chest with a lock on it and I plan on using it because I like to journal and Im sorry to say,  if she could, she would.



                                 Thanks again.    Im just sitting here now.  Im not doing anything. Ha Ha ha ho ho ho ( :

PS.  yes,  I cant trust my mother.  Its been really stupid of me to think I could.  I know it. And you know all this started early.  The day my sister arrived with her weird friend, she was weird, My sister calls my mom and tells her that my place was total mess and that I was hardly packed. It was not a mess, I was 90 % done.  This was before she saw what was in the garage as well.  Well,  my mom calls later on and talks to me and tells me what my sister said about my place.  Why would she do that? To start something? Of course it made me mad, I was working my ass off as fast as I could.  Im not trying to place he blame of this situation on my mom, but I have to say this is when my resentment towards my sister started to grow.  Im going to be so careful now and alert.        

[goingtostopthis]

Thank you again Harri for your response.  You took a lot of time on that and I really appreciate it.

                                                            I need to update a little.  Things have quieted down and Ive decided that I need as little contact with my sister as possible right now, this including my mother.  This is very strange to me but you think my sister would want some distance as well but she came up here at 8 oclock , acting full force again towards doing things that entail the animals in the house. I didnt get any sleep last night. I have been so upset. As soon as I saw her drive up I was just waking up, barely had my boots on, I rushed to that kitchen so fast and fed the dogs in record time.  I think that was the fastest dog feeding I have ever done in my life.  I think this should be made into a competition.   Thier bowls were on the floor and the dish used for the can food was in the sink with a dirty spoon,  but still she had to call me from inside and ask if I had fed the dogs?

                                             I got irratated and I made this obvious, of course I fed the dogs. And then she says well you dont have to feed the dogs anymore if you dont want to.  Then I told her that Im a person with principals and it doesnt matter what else happens I would all ways feed the dogs.I was on my way to the cats when she drove up but I didnt dare go in there because I dont want to be around her right now. So I went on my way to feed the horses.   

                                          All I can think is why would I decide that I dont want to feed the dogs,  then she would have more of an excuse to charge me with not helping out up there like she did last night? Feeding the dogs wasnt even the issue last night! I have said it over and over again,  I dont mind feed the dogs, or the cats.  yet some how she has to make it seem like shes feeling guilty about this or something , and me not feeding the dogs will make things all better,  but to me it feels like she's trying to take my power away  even more so she will have more leverage there to  feel in control. Just another reason for her to feel justified for obsessively coming up here too much.  I never complained to any of them about not wanting to feed the dogs,  so where is this coming from?

     I just got in my truck when I was done with the horses and went for a ride to the store, got myself a coke and explored back roads for awhile.   +It was the best thing I could have done. 

  It seems to me if there is anything she should feel guilty about its her refusal to allow me to move my horses so I can ride. And then coming with this excuse that Warf( a retired horse) might push through the fence. Which doesnt make any sense.  Hes in love with my mare on the other side,  if he were to go through the fence he would have done it along time ago.  One side of the fence is the same as the other side. Its same fence!  There is no sense to her reasoning sometimes.  Is this a sign of BPD?  It sure looks like it. I cried on and off all night last night. She just doesnt get it. Horses are my life. How can she be so heartless and cruel? and live with herself? 

   One thing that Im noticing about myself through out all this is how Im allowing her to trigger me to the point where the anger just goes around and around in my head and doesnt stop.  Its exhausting and stupid.

I think what's happening is that Im isolated here with them., and I was thinking today if only someone would validate this to me , Id feel a lot better and more amp to cope with this. even though I know its not me, I still wish someone else would come here and see how she acts for themselves and say,  Ya.  You are right.  Your sister is neurotic, controlling and very manipulative.  Ill stand by you.   

  When I came back her weird friend was here who supports my sister in  belittling me.    Ya,  isnt it great. Its like where do they get off?  Why dont they go get themselves a boyfriend and get a life.  I swear to God. and my sister was over helping me again with out asking, taking my broken down boxes to the dump when there is no reason on this earth I cant do this for myself, I still have more boxes take, but she cant stand it. Its like she's cleaning up after me.   Im supposed to feel guilty somehow because shes going to All this trouble for me,  I never asked her! This is how she functions.  Or I HAVE  to show my graditude for this and  if I dont it will be brought up against be later. I never asked her.  She just does stuff like this all the time. Its very underminding.

                 Anyways,   I felt better after my truck ride and for the rest of the day I only exchanged niceties to her.  No thank you,  no thats ok,    working on my tone.  Its helped.  Then when I went to feed my horses, she bought the grain today, no reason why I couldnt have done it,  but she has to do it to be the supreme controlling martyer that she is.  I went down to my horses and there were two grain containers down there.One was mine and the other was full of Maitanance feed , the grain the retired horses get.   ?

                                                                             aaahhhhh,   does this mean shes going to let me move them?

She wont even tell me? are we playing guessing games now? Is she too proud to just tell me,"  Ive thought about it and its ok, you can go ahead."    Is that too hard?    Does she have a mouth?   This is very weird to me but iM going to do myself a favor and stop pondering on it for now.  What ever.  Thats my motto tonight.  Thanks for listening.                                                                                   

[goingtostopthis]

Well I dont know if anyone is reading this at this point , mainly I think its because I write too long.

                                      Other family members have gotten involved and I am very relieved about this. Myy father has been a tremendous help,  something I didnt expect.  I really thought he was going to be cold to me and lecture me as if all of this has been my problem.  He hasnt.  He been pretty much partial in a diplomatic way yet validating to me for feeling the way I do.   He openly stated that I am living with animal hoarders and that my sister's connection to the animals up here "is" over the top. And that somehow my mother and sister are using these animals as soothing mechanisms or something like this. As long as they are doating on the animals and giving them over due attention and concern they dont have to really deal with the reality of other things in their lives.  

                                         He also  told me to not have any serious discussions with my mother in the afternoon or evening. One part of this whole scene and its non sensicle nature I over looked.  My mother is a drinker. My father told me she starts at 10 in the morning.  She drinks wine glass after wine glass from then after into the night.  This explains a lot now. I tried to have a heart to heart talk with her this afternoon.  It didnt end bad or anything,  but it didnt end real  great either.  She thinks Im the only one whose got the problem.  She has more or less turned on me and now sounds just like my sister talking. She kept on insisting I said things during the argument I never said.  Things I know I would have never said. This is when kook bells started going off in my head. Kook kook about her!  She said she knew I was trying to split up the family. I said why,  because I called my father. I needed  help, I was crying my eyes out and had no where to turn. I informed her that he was very impartual and even spoke to me about my sister and everything she had been through and how tough its been for her taking care of my aunt and dealing with all her messed finances and the farm. I told her how bad I felt and that I was sorry.  

                         But still,  I didnt say this,  but still I think she still needs to be responsible for herself and take alook at her self in reference to how shes been treating me.  I tried to tell  this to my mother but she wouldnt listen. She thinks IM the ONE who needs to get psychological help.  Not because I need to learn how to better communicate with them., no  because I NEED HELP!    and now I come to learn that she's been half drunk through most of these conversations, since the beginning!  I said we all  need to take responsibility for ourselvse instead of pointing the fingers all the time and maybe say we are sorry once and awhile.  I said I was sorry.  :)o you think she did?  She said I dont have anything to be sorry about. Wow!   thats all I can say.      I just let it go.  Im getting better at this.

+ The only thing left I want to say is what seemed like a small occurrence actually became very significant to me in reference to talking to my mom. She came into the house and there is a den area and then the door where the dogs are.  Well I had the door closed with a suit case because they were going through one of their barking tyraids again and it scares my cats and bothers me.  She keeps wanting that door open, I keep closing it when Im in that room. She comes in and says, Why is the closed? I told her why. she gives me a dirty look.  Then she says why are the lights off in here? and I said because when Im not in a room I turn the lights out to save electricity,  the cats were there how ever.  Then she starts in on me about all ways leaving the heater dial on(not true,I turned it off in the morning on one really cold night,)  and how it will cost 500 dollars a month. I said do you mean I cant have the heater on when its cold?  Shes says thats why I bought you that electric blanket. Then I said,  well when I get a job Ill pay for the heat because Im not living in a house with out heat.  end of conversation.   Now, is that nuts,  or what? 500 dollars a month?   come on... . 

  then it hit me,  she said all that because she was mad about me closing the door to the dogs!    sorry, I had to express that.

,

Im seeing a counselor this Thursday.He just called. Im so glad. Im so proud of myself for doing this. I dont think I even want to tell them. Not yet at least. Im doing this for me.



                                         

[Edgewood]

Second:  Your mother and sister are a pair.  They have been together 20 years and have formed a wacky bond.  You will not be able to break it so stop trying.  They feed each other.

Harri, I love this.  I've often thought how appropriate it would be for my mom & sis to be buried in the same grave, to carry on their drama into the afterlife . . .

[dune]

I also have a mother and sister who are BPD, and they try to manipulate me and use me at EVERY turn as well. I used to never see it coming… Being the youngest, very trusting and empathic, they've gotten away with a lot as far as their hurtful games go. But I've been changing things over the past year, setting major boundaries, which is bringing up tough feels of abandonment for them, but my life is better. I am living a more fulfilling life. I am happier. Trying to navigate it all… deciding if I can even have relationships with them anymore. Not sure… willing to walk away if need be at this point. Thanks for your post, was helpful! Good luck.

[Kwamina]

                         But still,  I didnt say this,  but still I think she still needs to be responsible for herself and take alook at her self in reference to how shes been treating me.  I tried to tell  this to my mother but she wouldnt listen. She thinks IM the ONE who needs to get psychological help.  Not because I need to learn how to better communicate with them., no  because I NEED HELP!

I can definitely see why you would find this behavior of your mother very frustrating. It's an unfortunate aspect of BPD that many people with this disorder have a hard time admitting that they behaved badly. Instead they often blame the other person and that's exactly what your mother seems to be doing here. It can be very difficult to understand what's going on inside the head of someone with BPD and why they behave the way they do. Sometimes for instance it's a result of their huge entitlement issues, other times just to hurt the other person but sometimes it's also actually the way they really perceive things. Do you feel like when your mother says these things to you that she actually believes them? Or would you say this is more of a way that she tries to manipulate and hurt you?

The only thing left I want to say is what seemed like a small occurrence actually became very significant to me in reference to talking to my mom.

I think I speak for many members when I say it's often the little things that turn out in huge arguments with our BPD loved ones.

Im seeing a counselor this Thursday.He just called. Im so glad. Im so proud of myself for doing this. I dont think I even want to tell them. Not yet at least. Im doing this for me.                        

How are you feeling now? And how was your meeting with that counselor? Great that you're taking these steps to take care of yourself

[goingtostopthis]

                         But still,  I didnt say this,  but still I think she still needs to be responsible for herself and take alook at her self in reference to how shes been treating me.  I tried to tell  this to my mother but she wouldnt listen. She thinks IM the ONE who needs to get psychological help.  Not because I need to learn how to better communicate with them., no  because I NEED HELP!

I can definitely see why you would find this behavior of your mother very frustrating. It's an unfortunate aspect of BPD that many people with this disorder have a hard time admitting that they behaved badly. Instead they often blame the other person and that's exactly what your mother seems to be doing here. It can be very difficult to understand what's going on inside the head of someone with BPD and why they behave the way they do. Sometimes for instance it's a result of their huge entitlement issues, other times just to hurt the other person but sometimes it's also actually the way they really perceive things. Do you feel like when your mother says these things to you that she actually believes them? Or would you say this is more of a way that she tries to manipulate and hurt you?

The only thing left I want to say is what seemed like a small occurrence actually became very significant to me in reference to talking to my mom.

I think I speak for many members when I say it's often the little things that turn out in huge arguments with our BPD loved ones.

Im seeing a counselor this Thursday.He just called. Im so glad. Im so proud of myself for doing this. I dont think I even want to tell them. Not yet at least. Im doing this for me.                        

How are you feeling now? And how was your meeting with that counselor? Great that you're taking these steps to take care of yourself

 Thanks kwamina,

                        I'll answer your last question first.  My meeting with the counselor went very well. I didnt feel that I was able to tell the entire story how ever because of the time frame. My goal coming in there was to work on how to handle all this and he was focused on this as well.  What I really felt that I needed was more validation. To have him get upset too and say ya!  Those ladies are nuts! Let's get em!    But I know that's not in the counseling training manual.  Im sure he had heard his share of stories very familiar to mine. He was understanding and very professional and set about with me to work on different tactics other then reacting to them(getting upset).  He never said, because my reaction is what they are after, but basically this was an unspoken general understanding through out the whole meeting.  Basically he was collecting information more then anything.  Next time Im sure will be even more constructive for me. I dont know if this is the counselor for me in the long run, but Im just grateful to have found one for now who seems pretty good.  


                       Now Im feeling better, not great but better.  Ive been able to move my horses to the pasture where I can ride and have them in the big barn. This apart of what my mother had promised me, and one of the reasons I agreed to come and one of the major reasons I lost my cool because my sister was saying no you cant to this. Riding is my life. It was just too cruel and selfish for me to deal with.  The other reason was to help her and my sister because they need it! Im feeding all the animals here at Cat and Dog Hoardervile USA. and Im ok with it.  But Ive gotten no appreciation from my sister, no validation for anything Ive done so far or a thank you. Its like Im suppose to be thanking "her" all the time for patronizing help Im not asking for and anything Im doing to help her is totally over looked. This and bullying me with rants.   That's enough to cause you to have some issues, wouldnt you say?  Its taken be along time to get this clear on this.   I will answer more later... . thanks

[goingtostopthis]

Continued.

               Ya, and as far as the little toxic things are concerned. When I wanted the kitchen door shut so the dogs wouldnt disturb my cat,  she got mad and started in on me about turning on the heater .She told me I couldnt have it on and this is why she bought me an electric blanket. I said, so does this mean I cant have the heat on at all? That was her answer, the electric blanket.  I didnt make the connection that she was being mean because I wouldnt leave the door open to the barking dogs., so she attacks me in this way:Finding something Im doing wrong to make me feel bad and guilty. I find telling me a heating bill for 500 dollars a month is what it costs, a bunch of bunk. I leave it on about 30 minutes at a time like twise a day now because its really getting cold outside now. Its her and my sisters unnatural connection to these dogs thats a real problem.  Just because I wanted the door shut at that time,  she reacts that way? How dare I affend those dogs feelings, and not allow her to disrespect my feelings about not wanting my cats terrorized by this one dog's aggressive barking through the gate.   Dogs have replaced people in both my sister's and my mother's life. It's pretty sad. -But my over all point is that I grew up with this treatment but have never before as I did over this instant,  make the connection as to what caused her to attack me. She tried to make me feel like there was something wrong with me as well because I had the over head light off in the living room. Id been out side a good part of the day. I like to save electricity.  I was picked at by both these ladies growing up continously, but mainly by my sister and I can say right now this BS is going to stop and if it doesnt then Im going to learn some new tricks well at how to just let it go right through me.    Like water off a ducks back. This isnt my issue anymore, its theirs.    

                    Im am now seriously considering that there is a very big possibility that both of them have some form of BPD. and this explains everything!  My last 3 boyfriends had this, so it really is no wonder at all. Me going into the cycle of picking the same types of men to be with over and over again.Me being with that which is familiar> abuse.

                    It seems God has led be here  to the source for a reason.  Instead of repeating the same relationships over and over,  you know how one can sub consciously do this in an attempt to resolve the issues in one's life that have never been resolved, hoping that this time this relationship will work out. How can it when youre attracted to the same dysfunction you grew up with. One seeks what is comfortable, what you know as normal, which isnt. What better opportunity then for me finally be in the position to work this out for myself once and for all.  I dont care what "they" do.  What's really important to me now is what I do. Im face to face with the core of my wounds. They arent going to heal them. Now I have a real chance to get this through my head, they arent going to change and I'm seriously going take to healing myself once and for all.    Loving my self in a real way like never before.   I really think as I change in a good constructive way the less effective their manipulations are going to be for themselves, no more rewards for being abusive to me. I will be here to help them and love them as family but I'm also going to have my own life apart from them as well.  I have no choice but to keep getting stronger do I? and I want to get stronger because I want to have a life and I will have a life. I feel sorry for them that they dont. They have to attach themselves in an unhealthy way to theses 9 dogs,  but that's their problem, not mine.  ( :    

[Kwamina]

Hi again goingtostopthis

Thanks for this update.

                    Im am now seriously considering that there is a very big possibility that both of them have some form of BPD. and this explains everything!  My last 3 boyfriends had this, so it really is no wonder at all. Me going into the cycle of picking the same types of men to be with over and over again.Me being with that which is familiar> abuse.

                    It seems God has led be here  to the source for a reason.  Instead of repeating the same relationships over and over,  you know how one can sub consciously do this in an attempt to resolve the issues in one's life that have never been resolved, hoping that this time this relationship will work out. How can it when youre attracted to the same dysfunction you grew up with. One seeks what is comfortable, what you know as normal, which isnt. What better opportunity then for me finally be in the position to work this out for myself once and for all.  I dont care what "they" do.  What's really important to me now is what I do. Im face to face with the core of my wounds. They arent going to heal them. Now I have a real chance to get this through my head, they arent going to change and I'm seriously going take to healing myself once and for all.    Loving my self in a real way like never before.   I really think as I change in a good constructive way the less effective their manipulations are going to be for themselves, no more rewards for being abusive to me. I will be here to help them and love them as family but I'm also going to have my own life apart from them as well.  I have no choice but to keep getting stronger do I? and I want to get stronger because I want to have a life and I will have a life. I feel sorry for them that they dont. They have to attach themselves in an unhealthy way to theses 9 dogs,  but that's their problem, not mine.  ( :    

I am very encouraged by this last part of your post. It sounds like you're on the verge of a significant breakthrough Perhaps this is your breakthrough crisis as described in the survivor's guide for adults who suffered childhood abuse. My own breakthrough moment was when my uBPD mom and sis ganged up on me on Mother's day a few years ago and my sis went out in all out 'BPD Witch' attack. One of the worse days I experienced with my sis, but looking back this definitely was my breakthrough moment in realizing just how emotionally and mentally disturbed the two of them are. This led me to go searching for answers and finally to the discovery of BPD.

It's true for many of us that as a result of us being raised by BPD parents, we actually often end up with people who show similar behavioral patterns. Not because we really like it, but because like you say it feels familiar. This is what we know and what we're used to and you could even say that this is the only environment we feel safe in. When you look at it with more analytical eyes, all of a sudden you see how paradoxical it is that on some level we actually feel safest in a type of environment that's everything but safe.

You are probably already familiar with the survivor's guide we have to the right here, but since you seem to be entering a new phase of your healing, now might be a good time to take another look at it. The guide not only helps you survive the abuse you've suffered but also aims at getting you to a point where you're able to thrive in all areas of life. Take care and keep posting if you feel the need to  You've come to some important new realizations which will hopefully be the first step in a new phase of your healing

[goingtostopthis]

Yes,   I saw them there, but I didnt really read them.  # 19 seems to be hitting me right now.

               Ive decided that I need to write down certain things they do as a pattern that really bother me and work through each one individually.  

                For example when I was younger my mother all ways had this way of picking at me in reference to what Im wearing. Im in my early 50's and she did this again quite recently. Right before I left to see the counselor. I was wearing a pretty skirt that I happen to like a lot. She looked at it and just like clock work had to make some comment about the back being a little shorter then the front. She compliment me first and then said that.  Of course after that I was on the verge of leaving self concious and feeling in complete or off somehow. I guess slightly defected.  All of a sudden all of my childhood and teenage memories of never feeling good enough with I wear came up.

               +And all the while anything her and my sister wear are perfect. Why I have never even considered giving them any kind of clothing inspection because they can do no wrong in this is department.  This is an issue that has hit me deep and caused me to feel insecure where this was never needed.

               It seems my mother does this as a kind of way of using me. If she can find some fault in my dress by what may even sound like an innocent comment , She can walk away feeling that she's above it all in this clothing department and become untouchable.    One other way she's done this is by buying me unsurmountable amounts of cloths that she has picked out for me. Like I cant buy my own cloths I like and dress myself?  Very interesting.  Im starting to see things from different angles now.  

       Im going to start writing down these issues one at a time in my journal. Ill start by listing them.

Im also going to start paying close attention to what she's got on from now on. I never have! Ive just assumed everything about her is what it should be and basically untouchable like I said. Im not going to say anything to her if I see something like a little faded spot or a moth hole, or a yarn knot coming out of her sweater. Im sure if I start looking Ill find something.  Anyways, I think it's obvious she has insecurities issues about her self and what she wears, why else would she be dumping this insecurity and sense of being inadequate on me?  Because that's what it is.  I feel in adequate.  

-I need to work on knowing that I am not inadequate. This is just one of her games to suit her self. Excuse the pun. Remind me to never go clothing shopping with her again. I have my own style and Im going to make a conscious plan for myself to celebrate this. Im going to make a conscious plan to pick out everything of mine I love and Im going to take extra care of every item and line them up in my closet. Then very gradually but in good momentum throw out all the things shes gotten for me that I dont like, keep what I do like because there are some(no more pretending and wearing these things to spare her feelings. What about my feelings?) and then buy new cloths I like to replace them.   Shes going to have to find a new hobby, maybe dressing up her 6 dogs and then she can nit pick them and make them feel inadequate.    But to some this up.   I will go through the Survivors guide each time I identify a from of abuse that I am being subjected to.    

                  Thanks    

[goingtostopthis]

            Well,  I have another issue which happened today.

                                   Things "have" been smoothing out a bit in the last week or so which good. I spent some time with my sister getting hay for all the horses, though there were certain things about the way she was doing it I didnt agree with, I was quiet and patient and we got the job done. It was just today that things started to get weird again.

                                     I had made plans today to work in my room after all the chores. I have been having problems organizing myself, stuff is still everywhere and I dont know where to put it all. Everything has been in such disaray ,I still have a room full of boxes that's supposed to be my art studio. Its obvious to me why Ive been having trouble unpacking and getting organized. Its because of the trouble Ive been having with them. I was going to take the day to deal with problems I have, for example I still have a house out of state that I moved from that is for sale and I still have to pay the mortgage for it. The realitor isnt doing shete.  So what I decided to do for myself which I think is all most genious is to arrange my room as close as I could get it, to the way it was in my house before I moved. Now things are going to start to fall in place much better.

                                        Anyways,  I was really looking forward to doing this and dealing with my loose ends as I call it,  when my sister showed up and decided basically out of no where that today was going to be the day that she was going to get up on the roof, (her words) and vaccum all the leaves from the gutters and she wanted me to help.

                                       I told her no, that I had something else planned today. The thing is ,she was asking me,  but no she's not asking. She's expecting me to. It doesnt matter how she states it and it really rubbed me the wrong way.  Just because she gets a spere of the moment whim to do something major, Im just suppose to drop everything and do what she wants. I thought the Hay day yesterday was enough! We moved about 50 bails of hay. Can she give it a rest? Obviously not. 

                              I didnt want to do it, and I was resentful because Ive been preconditioned to be left, filled with guilt. If she had asked me ahead of time, I would have known and it wouldnt have been a problem.  This is what she did about getting the hay and it was great ,it worked out for me to know ahead of time.  I feel like anything I have to do or want to do aside from what she wants is not worth considering. Like Im garbage. Im suppose to just drop everything and do what she wants because her position here is just so F-in important.  I told her no,  but I got nervous about it later, like oh no is there is going to be reprocusions to this? (excuse my spelling)

                               So I called my mother. Why did I do that? I guess more of a conditioned response. My mother decides that SHE"S going to come up here and help her then. And to make it worse she brings my Aunt who is so old and disabled with her in the car! What the hell is wrong with my mother? Im watching this from the window,  she gets up here and my sister decides she doesnt want to do it now. So my mother gets back in the car turns around and goes back home.  What is this?  Does my sister have a magic spell over my mom where she says jump and my mother does it?

                                          I have to say,  I was watching them both interact in their kitchen when I came over for dinner,   and sure enough,  my sister is bossing her all over the place, and rude. So my sister wants the gutters cleaned and my mom has to act like she is the Queen herself doing some really important thing that JUST CANT WAIT!    Why? because she decided this, this morning over her cup of coffee and doesnt think she has to consult anyone about it?   This thing with my mother feeling that she has to put my half crippled Aunt in the car to come over here for something like this has got to stop! Is it just me? Doe anyone else see the problem with this ? 

           I finally spent about an hour on the phone with my father's wife who is very good at working out conflicts with people. And what has been decided is that my sister needs to ask me ahead of time if she wants to do something where she needs help.  Its that simple.  It common respect, isnt it? 

           In stead,  I got dumped on my my mother tonight,  and yes, My eyes are open,  she had to have been half drunk because she was so toxic and mean to me for no reason. It was bad.  Then I spoke to my sister because all I wanted to tell them was that we were almost out of grain for the horses and that I was perfectly willing to do this myself to save them the trouble,I just needed the means from them to pay for it.   My sister was nice and we planned to do the gutters in the morning, great!  My mother was a psychopath inferring that I must not be feeding the horses right because it didnt make any sense to her why we were out. It was, you must be incompetent crap and we dont have any money to pay for this. She said, I only have 30 dollars... .  Like this was all MY Fault! My sister has my Aunts account which pays for all the animals here,   so I dont know what is wrong with her? She was so mean!  It scared me... .It really creeps me out.  I am going back to my counselor, I know this for sure. 

              I dont mean to sound mean,  but holy cow those two are some crazy brods.  Really messed up.  I have to be honest.           

[Koala Bear]

I think stepping back and not "reacting" is important. Even logging what goes on helps you straighten it out in your head. What others have said about learning your own gut instincts are good and resisting the urge to confide in your mother. You are an adult and should be respected as such. It sounds like they all want to stuff you back in the "kid" box.

[goingtostopthis]

Yes it does,  doesnt it.     Im not going to be stuffed anywhere I can tell you that much.  Boundaries Boundaries Boundaries.

                     Partially making it clear that I need to be asked in advance for anything my sister wants to do is working.  I think she finally really got the message about this today.  Im glad that we were getting along getting hay together.  That went very well. 

                      As for my mother I dont know what she's up to.  I say this because she thoughtlessly started interveening in a really negative way between me and my sister the first day my sister came to my place to help me move.        This is what happened.  As soon as my sister got there, she looks over the place, and then gets on the phone to my mom and tells her my place is a mess and I was hardly ready. Then I call my mom about an hour later to tell her how we were doing and guess what?   She tells me off the cuff verbatum what my sister had just said about me .   Hence,  I get mad because it wasnt true, because she did not have a clue how hard things had been for me and that I was moving as fast as I could being alone there, quit my job the day before, had a terrible time with a sick horse that needed surgery... Get the picture...   I was really mad. I thought she was there to help me, I needed help.

          Hearing this information ,being talked about negatively behind my back and having my mom tell me this is something I dont understand.     Its almost as if she instigated this beginning riff with my sister on purpose. Why would she do that?  Is she so afraid that Im going to get my sister to turn against her? and then it would be us two against her?   Shes the one whose been doing this family splitting series all along. And then tonight Im finally starting to work things out with my sister and my mom attacks me for no reason!and is so irrational about all of it!

Thats all I have to say.  I just exhausted myself thinking about this.    thanks for you help.