A new Life

[CareTaker]

I walked out about 6 weeks ago. I never knew how I was going to do it, because the pain of several previous break ups was rooted in my system. The wake up call came shortly after she attacked me with the bread knife.

I started discussing aspects of our 3 year relationship, because she wanted to get pregnant and we could fix a wedding date some time in the future. I always have asked her to control her very bad mood. She hated advice. While having a "normal" discussion on the future, I said something that triggered that devil in her. She started the normal accusations. It is a long list of things I have done wrong over the 3 years. All filed in her mind. I got so frustrated, that she was doing this, all over again. I just couldn't listen to all this, again. How every time, every thing was my fault. Even the time she cheated on me. I wasn't giving her enough attention.

I just cracked and shouted, SHUT THE F*****K UP ! She jumped up and grabbed the bread knife and nearly stabbed me with it. I left, only to be back 3 days later. While discussing what happened that day, she said she got so scared when I shouted. She felt her life was in danger, and she had to defend herself. So it was all my fault.

At that stage, I realized I must get out. Eventually I got the courage, and left. It has been about 6 weeks now, and I am still hurting. Why do I even miss this monster?

I am making positive advances now. I have been in contact with a clinical psychologist and my first appointment is today. We spoke on the phone, and she understands where I am.

At 53 I have to start over, and this is my opportunity. I realize I have an childhood emotional issue, and have been drawn to this woman because of it. But whatever it takes to heal, I am doing it.

[Lucky One]

Hello CareTaker and  

So sorry to hear what you are going through, sorry for your sadness you are feeling. We are here to help you and as you get stronger to help each other to work through what we are feeling

We are all going through some sort of sadness because of what is or has happened to us in our relationships. Just want you to know that you are NOT alone, in this.

I found dialoguing on this site with other members to be very helpful. It helped me to reduce the sorrow and even the little bit of the depression (sadness) I was feeling.

Also doing one lesson every day or two , helped me gain some skills I never had before.

I have also started to put some of the things I have learnt over the last month, to use.

One or two of them seem to be working already.

I'm a little bit older than you, but I don't think the things we are experiencing have much to do with our age.

So welcome again and please let us know some more about your situation when you feel that you are ready.


In the meantime,  Best wishes. You've come to the right place.

[antonio1213]

I know the anger all too well. I am not really an angry person, I normally remain calm whenever she would scream at me and threaten me. But sometimes you just snap…Thats it. No human being can take the sudden intense anger of a BPD for a long time and not snap. I have broken down and cried before because she was screaming at me. I have just lost it and yelled at the top of my lungs at her when I couldn't take it anymore. They have so much hate and anger. I can't comprehend it.

You are doing the right thing.

My exBPDgf left me a month ago. She has contacted me telling me she still wants me in her life and all that jazz but I am not going to have it. For the first time in a long time I am finally working on myself and she isn't my problem. Feel relieved you don't have to deal with all that anger and hatred anymore. It is such a weight off my shoulders. Though I am hurt still I know it is best for me.

Don't contact her. Just move on. Thats all I can say. Don't look back either. Focus on yourself. and find a woman who will not try to stab you. Goodluck!

[Aussie0zborn]

Why do you miss this monster? I would suggest it's because you believed the idealization and resent the Jeckyl and Hyde turnaround. This may or not be true for you but it was certainly true for me. I just wanted things to get back to normal again and craved it so much I went back for more abuse and the ultimate degradation.

You are lucky to have gotten out in one piece. You might not be so lucky next time. Keep away, exercise NC and remind yourself that you fell in love with yourself (ie: her mirroring of you). Nothing was real and being a host to feed someone's emotional void decreases the quality of your life.

Good luck on your road to recovery and breaking that horrible bond you had with her.

[ziniztar]

For the first time in a long time I am finally working on myself and she isn't my problem. Feel relieved you don't have to deal with all that anger and hatred anymore. It is such a weight off my shoulders. Though I am hurt still I know it is best for me.

I could have written this.

And mine was in therapy, and even trying to change... .and I still feel like this 1 week after I left him.

[Lucky One]

For the first time in a long time I am finally working on myself and she isn't my problem. Feel relieved you don't have to deal with all that anger and hatred anymore. It is such a weight off my shoulders. Though I am hurt still I know it is best for me.

I could have written this.

And mine was in therapy, and even trying to change... .and I still feel like this 1 week after I left him.

I'm just wondering why the BIG emotional hurt remains, with us, even when we realize that the relationship is no good for us.

Is this the detaching part that doesn't come easy?

Do our partners also feel hurt, or do they feel nothing. Mine says that she's been crying a lot. Or is this just a smoke screen

[ziniztar]

For the first time in a long time I am finally working on myself and she isn't my problem. Feel relieved you don't have to deal with all that anger and hatred anymore. It is such a weight off my shoulders. Though I am hurt still I know it is best for me.

I could have written this.

And mine was in therapy, and even trying to change... .and I still feel like this 1 week after I left him.

I'm just wondering why the BIG emotional hurt remains, with us, even when we realize that the relationship is no good for us.

Is this the detaching part that doesn't come easy?

Do our partners also feel hurt, or do they feel nothing. Mine says that she's been crying a lot. Or is this just a smoke screen

I think there are two ways to be hurt in this process.

The first is the overall (unhealthy) emotional bond that you had with your BPD. Even though you know it’s not healthy to feel so extremely emotionally connected, it is a loss. Negative emotions create a bond and attachment, too.

The second one is regarding the idealization phase. It hurts to have to realize that this a) was a lie b) unhealthy to begin with. It hurts to have to admit that someone will never get back to that phase again and that the r/s won’t get any better. You have to mourn the loss of an idea you had the r/s was.

In my case, dBPDxbf did a lot to improve his own situation. He tried therapy for 2 years.

I’m still hurt about the fact he had to quit therapy. I had to give up an image of how he would be improving over time and how I would have stood by his side.

I’m hurt I had to hurt him in order to survive myself.

[Lucky One]

I know the anger all too well. I am not really an angry person, I normally remain calm whenever she would scream at me and threaten me.

Would you be willing to enlarge on the threats you received.

I have also received threats.

And many false accusations

Both are very, very hurtful. To one's soul, very deep hurt.

[Lucky One]

Though I am hurt still I know it is best for me.

I could have written this.

I'm just wondering why the BIG emotional hurt remains, with us, even when we realize that the relationship is no good for us.

It hurts to have to admit that someone will never get back to that phase again and that the r/s won’t get any better. 

Thanks for that. Makes reasonable sense.