"I have developed a cold place"

[Ladylove]

Today, my uBPDh stated to me after a huge argument(in which I was trying to use SET and tryyyying to stay calm), where we were discussing our relationship and areas that need to be worked on, that... .he has "developed a cold place for me in his heart that he will never get back"... .Ouch.

I am really trying not to take this personally and I am new to the techniques to use with pw/BPD, but holy... .OUCH.

I've now got my head in a tailspin wondering if this was a shot to make me contemplate staying/leaving or just something to make me hurt.

It worked... .the making me hurt part.

How do I forget this?... cause I'm choosing to carry on with him.

I don't know how to stop these comments from re-entering my brain at every sign of the tide rising. I'm trying so hard not to take this to my own heart, and heck, I've had a cold place in my heart for him, and then it warms up, gets cold again, warms up... and so on and so forth, but I would never tell him that. I just can't fathom the man I married just say that with no emotion. I can equate it to the uBPD, but I just feel like that was so below the belt, and I have to be stoic and take it, disregard it and carry on, but the words are just ETCHED into my skull right now.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[maxsterling]

Well, that comment was hurtful, very hurtful, and you should feel hurt.  The trick is to remain calm and not get ddefensiv.  Getting defensive makes things worse and gives him an opportunity to unleash worse.  So instead, give up on set, validation, etc for the moment, enforce a boundary, and leave the conversation.  Deal with the hurt on your own somehow, then approach him when you are both calm.

My problem now is i hear all that and feel just numb rather than hurt.  That scares me.

[itsbetteralone]

Wow ! I know exactly how you are feeling right now. I have heard similar words a thousand times in the last 8 years of my marriage.

I used to get very angry and provoked when my wife said those things to me and I went on a full blown rage several times. How can a person for whom I have literally forgotten my own needs ever say something like that to me?

However off late I've realized it just made things worse and I felt more miserable afterwards. These days I just tend to not react and leave the room. Within a few hours she comes back and apologizes.

So all I can tell you " This too shall pass". I am sorry that you are going through this.

[Ladylove]

So all I can tell you " This too shall pass". I am sorry that you are going through this.

Gentlemen

Thank you.

This helps... .

It's so true... .leave it alone, and he'll come home, wagging his tail behind him... .I just got a hug from behind for making dinner and cleaning the kitchen... .It's nice... .but, I can't stop thinking about that cold place.  Gotta let it go, but now, now I feel a little  numb maxsterling... .I think it's a natural part of this process, cycle, the whole darn ball of mess... .

The bottom line is, we love them, we're here, and I think numb is part of the process. Don't feel bad for feeling nothing at all at times. If you're still there, you're not gone