Hello, Cmjo &
This is a great Article regarding supporting a loved one in treatment for BPD (not just adult children, but
all loved ones):
Supporting a Child in Therapy for Borderline Personality Disorder.
I have to say, everything rings true for me, regarding my son who was diagnosed with BPD (and began treatment for it) in April 2013, at the age of 36. This especially:
Remember that change is difficult to achieve and fraught with fears. Be cautious about suggesting that "great" progress has been made or giving "You can do it" reassurances. Progress evokes fears of abandonment. The families of people with Borderline Personality Disorder can tell countless stories of instances in which their son or daughter went into crisis just as that person was beginning to function better or to take on more responsibility.
The coupling of improvement with a relapse is confusing and frustrating but has a logic to it. When people make progress - by working, leaving day treatment, helping in the home, diminishing self-destructive behaviors, or living alone- they are becoming more independent. They run the risk that those around them who have been supportive, concerned, and protective will pull away, concluding that their work is done. The supplies of emotional and financial assistance may soon dry up, leaving the person to fend for herself in the world. Thus, they fear abandonment. Their response to the fear is a relapse.
They may not make a conscious decision to relapse, but fear and anxiety can drive them to use old coping methods. Missed days at work, self-mutilation, a suicide attempt, or a bout of overeating, purging or drinking may be a sign that lets everyone around know that the individual remains in distress and needs their help. Such relapses may compel those around her to take responsibility for her through protective measures such as hospitalization. Once hospitalized, she has returned to her most regressed state in which she has no responsibilities while others take care of her. When signs of progress appear, family members can reduce the risk of relapse by not showing too much excitement about the progress and by cautioning the individual to move slowly.
This is why experienced members of a hospital staff tell borderline patients during discharge not that they feel confident about their prospects, but that they know the patient will confront many hard problems ahead. While it is important to acknowledge progress with a pat on the back, it is meanwhile necessary to convey understanding that progress is very difficult to achieve. It does not mean that the person has overcome her emotional struggles. You can do this by avoiding statements such as, "You’ve made great progress," or, "I’m so impressed with the change in you." Such messages imply that you think they are well or over their prior problems. Even statements of reassurance such as, "That wasn’t so hard," or, "I knew you could do it," suggest that you minimize their struggle. A message such as, "Your progress shows real effort. You’ve worked hard. I’m pleased that you were able to do it, but I’m worried that this is all too stressful for you," can be more empathic and less risky.Wow! This information was told to us on my son's release from the Intensive In-Patient Dual Diagnosis Program where he was diagnosed with BPD, and taught DBT. And then, in the weeks that followed his release (when he couldn't stop telling us everything he'd learned about himself ), he himself explained how all of that worked, since it seemed counter-intuitive to
me. But, since learning this, I've been careful to put it into practice and weirdly enough, by following those "rules" we've alleviated the pressure on my son in his recovery.
I truly recommend that you check out that
whole Article; the information, advice, tips and insights into the exact situation that you are finding yourself in will be very beneficial, I am positive!
If you are looking for a BPD Treatment/Recovery success story, Cmjo, please check out my son's/my story:
My Son's Recovery-In-Progress Story. We also have a thread at the top of this Board with
Success Stories. And we are here for you to answer any questions you may have, to listen to more of your own story, and to support you in this situation
