feel like I'm getting pulled in... not sure what to do

[caughtnreleased]

So my sister has a very, very young family and she has not, in my opinion, made very responsible choices.  She has decided to try and further her career and has left for four weeks to another country, leaving her two toddlers to be looked after by my parents for most of it.  (her husband has also not been available to look after them for work reasons).  I've been spared for the most part from having to be of service to her while she does this, but am now being pulled in.  She has asked me to be on emergency standby to pick up her kids in case her husband has a work delay and can't go pick them up.  Personally I find this entire situation soo irresponsible of her.   I also don't like this "emergency backup".  It's more uncertainty,  and crisis mode.  At first I refused, telling her I had to work... .she responds: you have to work late? You'd have to pick them up in the evening.  So for that I responded it was more doable.  I just don't want to get pulled into her CRAP. I hate it... .but I am torn about being responsible for these poor little children.  If it were someone else who was not manipulative with their kids and in constant crisis mode, I probably wouldn't have a problem with it... .but it's not the case.  Not sure what to do.  Maybe I'm over-reacting... .but I don't want to be part of this situation which I do not agree with. Help!

[Panda39]

It's ok to say no if you don't want to do it.  You are not a bad person if you say no, you are setting a boundary.  The kids have their dad (who quite frankly should be responsible for them) and your parents so you don't need to do this.

[caughtnreleased]

Thanks Panda.  I think I have ptsd from being asked to do something from someone in my immediate family... .because there's always so much manipulation going on, and my sister has her little toddlers that she holds over EVERYONE's head now, and it's absolutely terrible.  Anyway, she's asking me to be emergency backup... .in case everything goes wrong can she come to me. It's a bit of a strange request... .because it's like asking if she suddenly breaks her leg and falls and can't go pick up her kids at daycare can she ask me to be a backup... .?  Anyway, I've accepted, and understand that the chances are so minimal... .but at the same time I'm not sure if I should go along with my normal life and make plans, knowing that there's a 10% chance I'll have to break them... .Well, I've relaxed a bit.  I figure for every yes that I say, it gives me power to say no the next time, without being painted as the terrible selfish and irresponsible one in the family.   

[Panda39]

Sounds good to me.  You are the third string backup to the backup to the backup so you'll probably just be warming the bench on this one.

Just be aware that your sister will probably continue to use her children for various things including a tool to control you/or pull you further into her world along with your parents.  My SO's uBPDxw uses her kids all the time it's so sick and so messed up for her kids.  What I try to do is ignore her and just focus on the kids. 

Hope everything is uneventful 

[caughtnreleased]

Thanks so much for your advice. It is a valuable warning and reminder.  You're right. I need to stay vigilant.  It's a very sad state of affairs for the kids.  They break my heart.  But, right now I feel like I am the only (somewhat) healthy person in their immediate family so for their sake, I need to stay healthy.  And that means boundaries.

[caughtnreleased]

oh and actually, I've thought about this a bit more, and I am THE backup (my mother left town as well, she decided not to stay an extra few hours to be the backup).  If my brother in law is held up, it will fall to me to pick up the kids... .so I'm backup so that my mother can leave town, and so that the parents don't have to have anxiety over something going wrong and them being held up (missing their flight, etc.) so that they can pick up their kids. Essentially, I will be the only caretaker in the city for these children for several hours... .and even longer if a flight doesn't leave on time.

[funfunctional]

Hi,

Well her decision to take a job that travels with toddlers at home is HER decision.   Sadly she is relying on your politeness in this and sounds like a person that does what she wants and is empowered to do so by those around her.   

Two parents and both too busy?  Hmmm       

Will tell you a story.  When I first moved in with my now husband I had his x wife and his sister figuring "oh... .gee... .Funfunctional work from home... .so let's try to take advantage of that".    I got TOLD by the x wife that I was going to take care of her two kids on the days that SHE had custody.  Needless to say this didn't happen.  I have two of my own and majority custody so I laughed in realizing this woman has 50% custody and was trying to pass that off on ME cause I work from home.  NOT.

Then,  my sister in law would call me 1)pick up sick kid who is throwing up at school  2)  drive kid home - "oh - your available".    I got stuck doing this a few times and learned not to answer my phone.

I have never been offered a favor in return and just like the corporate world these people will USE you and do it by "whatever they can get away with".       

I don't mind being a "back-up emergency person" but the message to all of the above is I am not your sucker.    I have a job and just because I took a lower paying job so I can work from home does not make me a babysitter.  The same with your sister.      Maybe one of them needs to step down a little with the career and raise their own children.  The kids deserve that!     

People want it all.  They want the money and the family but want other people to take care of the kids for them.  Why have them?     

Sorry butyou hit a soft spot with me.    As a result of all these people I took a job OUTSIDE the house.     it was easier to go to work and my kids were old enough to let themselves in.   Even still I took a still lower paying job so that I could leave earlier in afternoon.


Can't have it all tell your sister!    I would suggest not answering the phone and making yourself scarce.     

[caughtnreleased]

thanks funfunctional,

I agree it's irresponsible... .I feel bad for the kids.  It sounds like a lot of the time, people like this look at what we have and feel we are more privileged than they are (in your case, working from home in my case no kids) and therefore feel justified in taking advantage of us, even though in reality we are not. They just don't see that.  So yes, I have to put boundaries down.  I totally sympathize with you... .it's hard to be around so many self centered people.

Good luck!

[Coral]

This thread gives me the chills. My BPD sis has 4 kids. Two are young.  A alcoholic friend got kicked out and she took him in.  Nice guy but a drunk.  This was an absolutely unilateral decision on her part.  Her two older kids, her husband, my husband and I were opposed.  She said, "We can handle this."  The imperial 'we'. She's booked several long weekends for she and her hubby, "knowing" I'd step in and help.  Uhh, hell no. 

Rather like the time she volunteered me to cook at a shelter for 8 weekends without asking me.  I did it.

I know if I buckle, my life becomes hers.  I'm getting smashed by her character assassination. 

[caughtnreleased]

yeah... .that's exactly it.  In order for them to feel ok with their lives, they seem to need control us... .It's really hard.