(Miserable) Life after SET

[Robins0n]

I’ve been using SET with my pwBPD for about 3 months now. It has worked in the sense that dysregulation episodes are completely gone - as long as I stick to it. But the SE part of it all seems to have worn me out to the point where I get up in the morning thinking to myself “What’s the point? Driving my car off a cliff seems strangely enticing.”.

This feeling mixed in with the guilt when thinking about my D3 and S1 at the same time almost brings me to my knees guys, I’m not gonna lie.

It’s almost as if before SET, my life at least had a mission: guarding my kids’ emotional health by trying to minimize the dysregulation they’re exposed to. Now that this mission appears to have been completed, I’m beginning to painfully realize that the knowledge that my kids are safe doesn’t seem to be enough to enable me to continue (this way).

Will it for the rest of my life take HOURS AND HOURS AND HOURS OF SET to be able to go out for a beer with friends, to get some work done around the house while she has to take care of the kids, to pursue a hobby, to talk about something I’d like to talk about for a change, to get some support when I’m in a rut myself, to be intimate or to just have one hour to myself each week?

I wish it was enough to know that my kids are safe but I can’t seem to suppress enough of the pain from all my other needs not being met to function each day.

Now, that I’m thinking about it, I suspect it’s my emphasis on SE and the lack thereof on T that put me in this predicament. But, you know, it’s easier to enjoy the fruit of your labour (avoided dysregulation) than risking it all by introducing (too much) T to the mix. Could this be it? Is there a life after SET?

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[takingandsending]

Wow, Robins0n. What a great post and thanks for bringing this to the table.

I wrote a post about the "new normal" that is congurent with your feelings. What I have subsequently learned in a family peer mentoring class in living with a person with mental illness is that functionality is sometimes the best you will see. And it revealed yet another thing I have been holding on to, the persistent thought that if I can just be okay myself, my wife's illness will lessen, dissipate and go away.

Well, the conflict has lessened between us, we are talking more, she is showing less blow ups with the kids, but the emptiness of feeling within me and the effort involved to maintain even this small amount of positive regard between us, and the lack of me being able to express an emotion without using the communication tools has me questioning as well. And, I think we have to be aware if we are walking on eggshells better, which is not the intent.

I think you have to give it some time to see how close the new normal comes to what you can accept. It may get better. I can't say for certain that my relationship with my wife won't keep improving. It does seem like we are hitting a ceiling right now, though.

Hang in there.

[Inquisitive1]

Is it bad that I can totally relate to this line ":)riving my car off a cliff seems strangely enticing.” After enjoying a new level of tranquility in my house for the last month, I'm starting to feel depressed. I'm feeling sorry for myself. "Why can't I have a functional wife?"

Have I just learned to walk on eggshells better? seems like a good question to be asking. In terms of putting more T in SET, check out my recent post here:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=235562

I'd appreciate any advice.

I'm also thinking of getting back into therapy myself. I think I need some help figuring how to deal with my new understanding of the situtation. Before I knew about BPD, I could always think that better days were around the corner. Now that my wife has been diagnosed, the info has helped, but the blind hope, the idea that things will be better tomorrow, is gone. I think things might get better, but I know my wife is always going to have limitations.

[Robins0n]

  takingandsending & Inquisitive1, thank you both for your responses!

And, I think we have to be aware if we are walking on eggshells better, which is not the intent.

That's what I believe I'm doing since discovering SET (support/empathy/truth). Yes, the dysregulations have mostly disappeared because I'm reacting 'better' when I sense the tension that usually precedes them. Don't get me wrong, I'm very grateful to have found a way to regain some sort of control in this utterly chaotic life with a pwBPD but it almost seems like I'm unhappier than ever before? 

After enjoying a new level of tranquility in my house for the last month, I'm starting to feel depressed.

That's exactly what I'm talking about.

I'm also thinking of getting back into therapy myself. I think I need some help figuring how to deal with my new understanding of the situtation. Before I knew about BPD, I could always think that better days were around the corner. Now that my wife has been diagnosed, the info has helped, but the blind hope, the idea that things will be better tomorrow, is gone.

Again, I have nothing to add to that. You've perfectly dissected that 'depressed feeling'. It's interesting to suddenly be able to see how often this blind hope has saved my sanity/life in the past - and now I can't find it ANYWHERE.

I actually had my first session with a shrink yesterday. Even though I'm well aware that this is a business relationship, I have to admit that it felt great to be able to tell someone that I'M not ok and receive some validation myself after being the 'caretaker' for my wife for all this time. One of my goals with therapy is to figure out how I ended up with a pwBPD in the 1st place despite all the warning signs. Another one is that I hope understanding myself better will somehow (welcome back blind hope  ) reveal a way to be happier in this relationship and subsequently 'function' better for my kids. Because let's face it, being depressed too often too much not only puts the brakes on anyone's career, it also destroys the ability to interact with your kids in a way they deserve and need.

I believe, I have come to terms with the fact that my wife will never change for the better - or at least I'd put myself in the stage prior to acceptance (depression). Now, I'm faced with the challenge of dealing with the fact that most of my own needs that would normally be met by my spouse will never be met. And yeah yeah I know, I should try to find happiness outside of this relationship (hobbies, friends, etc.) but why doesn't anyone ever talk about this as being VERY DIFFICULT. If me looking out the window the wrong way triggers feelings of abandonment/rejection in her, how do you think she reacts whenever I want to see a friend or pursue a hobby without her?

Ok, enough with the self pity. I guess, while SET's SE is for her, the T is for me (for a lack of better words). I hope you understand what I'm trying to say. Is the secret to focus my 'BPD studies' on how to properly apply the T? If so, does anyone care to share some related stories/experiences/wisdom?

[ydrys017]

This is a great topic, and I am able to relate to the miserable feelings associated with realizing that the ceiling on what we 'could' be is a lot lower than I thought.  As an optimist, this is difficult to accept.  I'm seeing my T this afternoon, and will discuss that very feeling.  While I stumble with SET, I'm looking to improve our rs with DEARMAN - a process that currently terrifies me, but that is where I'm putting my 'blind hope' right now.

[Skip]

Ok, enough with the self pity. I guess, while SET's SE is for her, the T is for me (for a lack of better words). I hope you understand what I'm trying to say. Is the secret to focus my 'BPD studies' on how to properly apply the T? If so, does anyone care to share some related stories/experiences/wisdom?

Smells like resentment.   

Is SE really for her?  Is T really for you?

SET is a human (not BPD) communication tool.  Think of it as emotional manners.  Everyone likes a "master" of the SET tool.

Most likely what is frustrating to you is that she is not giving you SET in return.

Do you not feel heard?

[Inquisitive1]

skip, you insightful son of a b@tch... .you  nailed it. I am feeling resentful.

Interesting that the first DEARMAN (thanks ydry) thread I found specifically mentions  resentment in the intro paragraph. This may be a tactic that could help me address my resentment, though I wish the acronym was a bit shorter.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=160566.0

[Compassion14]

I get it and really feel for you all. I guess you have to try to be true to your head and heart. Is this empty feeling enough? Can you live with it if this truly is as good as it will ever get? Hard, hard X questions which counselling surely will help with. Good luck. X

[Robins0n]

While I stumble with SET, I'm looking to improve our rs with DEARMAN - a process that currently terrifies me, but that is where I'm putting my 'blind hope' right now.

Thanks for the tip ydrys017! At first glance, DEARMAN looks a lot more complicated than SET but I'm glad this is on my radar now.

Smells like resentment.   

You're correct Skip. At times, I hold A LOT of resentment towards my wife. I know that this worsens things between us but I don't yet know how to be able to sincerely forgive. I admit, sometimes I feel as if she's slowly taking my life away from me - like a gradual homicide. I wish I could figure out how to get this erroneous theory off my mind as I firmly believe resentment prevents me from forming more helpful thoughts sometimes.

Is SE really for her?  Is T really for you?

SET is a human (not BPD) communication tool.  Think of it as emotional manners.

Everyone likes a "master" of the SET tool.

Most likely what is frustrating to you is that she is not giving you SET in return.

Do you not feel heard?

I admit, it's a bold thesis: SE for her, T for me. You obviously make a very good point with SET being a communication tool everyone should adhere to.

You're correct, I don't feel as if I'm getting SET in return. I don't feel heard. At this point, I consciously don't ask for support and empathy in times of need because, absurdly enough, these were the times when I received the most abuse from her in the past. I blame this on my inability to properly utilize SET, when something triggers her WHILE I'm vulnerable/weak. I caught myself thinking "How dare you, threatening with divorce/taking the children away/killing me when I'm in such pain already?". Meaning, I've usually been punished, when being vulnerable with my wife. Therefore, I cannot be vulnerable around her. This realization makes me feel incredibly alone sometimes.

Just one of several crucial needs not being met.

[ydrys017]

... .I don't feel as if I'm getting SET in return. I don't feel heard. At this point, I consciously don't ask for support and empathy in times of need because, absurdly enough, these were the times when I received the most abuse from her in the past. I blame this on my inability to properly utilize SET, when something triggers her WHILE I'm vulnerable/weak... .Meaning, I've usually been punished, when being vulnerable with my wife. Therefore, I cannot be vulnerable around her. This realization makes me feel incredibly alone sometimes.

Just one of several crucial needs not being met.

This is so very true, and sad.  For me, it also breeds the 'miserable' part of using SET.  My T related yesterday that this is part of the grieving process as we grieve the loss of our hopes and dreams of having a normal loving relationship with our spouses.  That made sense to me.  The resentment also sounds like a grieving stage, but I'm not sure... . I'm afraid to use DEARMAN when I can't even master SET!  

[Robins0n]

My T related yesterday that this is part of the grieving process as we grieve the loss of our hopes and dreams of having a normal loving relationship with our spouses.  That made sense to me.  The resentment also sounds like a grieving stage, but I'm not sure... .

I think that's it right there. I apologize in advance that the following analogy might sound incredibly ignorant and insensitive to some! Analogies, especially if kept simple, help me think sometimes.

Maybe being in a relationship with a pwBPD is like having one of your limbs amputated.

You won't be able to do some things at all anymore (e.g. discuss a disagreement with your spouse like normal adults), some other things will be more difficult to do (e.g. pursue a hobby separately from your spouse), some other things will be completely unaffected by the amputation (no example yet as it feels like BPD is bleeding into every aspect of my life) and some other things you might have never done without the amputation (e.g. engage in therapy myself).

I'd imagine that for a while after the amputation your mind's occupied with thoughts about the things you cannot do anymore and the things that are more difficult to do now. I don't think anyone would think about the things that remain unaffected by the amputation let alone the things that could only now move onto your radar BECAUSE of the amputation. Yet, any good friend will most likely focus on exactly those things to make you feel better about your amputation, right? I believe that at first, I'd be incredibly ANGRY with anyone who tries to minimize the negative effects of the amputation. Later on, I'd probably research all kinds of bionic human/robot parts trying to BARGAIN with myself that the amputation will not make a dent at all. When I eventually figure out the amputation's undeniable effect on my life, I will probably fall into a deep DEPRESSION until ... .one day ... .I'll hopefully just say: "Fu[k it, it is what it is. Between driving my car off a cliff and making the best out of a here-to-stay handicap, I'll choose the latter.".

I believe I'm ready to leave bargaining and depression behind and find a way towards acceptance and ultimately, well, a life that feels worth living again, I guess.

Thanks everyone for your invaluable input so far! 

[ydrys017]

That's actually a pretty good analogy! 

I have found that I move between those stages, forwards and backwards, likely driven by interactions with my uBPDw.

[Inquisitive1]

ydry, I agree there is an element of grieving here. Not sure if I'm going to try DEARMAN, that may just be too complicated.

Good post Robins0n and good analogy. It helps to see others going through the same stuff. And I like the positive spin you put on it at the end.

[takingandsending]

ydrys017,

I have found that I move between those stages, forwards and backwards, likely driven by interactions with my uBPDw.

This is pretty common for people living with someone with a mental illness. We move between three stages, hopefully trending more toward the later stages as we continue our journey.

Stage I: Crisis, Chaos, Shock, Denial/Normalizing, Hoping Against Hope

Stage II: Anger/Guilt/Resentment, Recognition, Grief

Stage III: Understanding, Acceptance, Advocacy/Action

I showed up here pretty well shell shocked in Stage I. I spent the next 3 months in Stage II. Nowadays, I feel like I am moving more toward Stage III but still move pretty fluid between all three. I think that's pretty natural.

And our SO's are also moving between their own stages of recovery, not as fluidly because of their illness, sometimes not at all because of their illness.

I am having a hard time staying in acceptance because it keeps revealing more grief. But that grief was there all along. I just was in denial about how much grief and loss I was feeling, and I kept putting the responsibility on my wife.

Good thread.

[ydrys017]

I believe I spent years in Stage I, and likewise showed up here in a state of shock after a major physical altercation from uBPDw towards me.  After 6 months in Stage II I'd like to think I'm transitioning into Stage III, but some days I feel like I'm back in Stage I again... .   

[Inquisitive1]

The idea of Stages I-III is good.

I too came here after years of Stage I and my wife's heightening bad behavior. After I started here my wife lost her job (a couple months back), things calmed down around the house, so I went into denial/avoidance for a month or so--it was a break. Recently, I started really hitting Stage II, feeling depressed. Nice to be aware of Stage III as something to shoot for.

[takingandsending]

Hi Inquisitive. If you have the capacity and opportunity, and there is a local NAMI chapter near you (if you live in North America - or maybe there are equivalent organizations out there), the Family to Family class is really helpful for pulling out of that depression, and also, partly, going into it deeper.

What I learned most of all is that regardless of the situation, anyone living with a person with mental illness tend to have similar challenges - lack of validation of our experience, increased household and financial responsibilities, isolation, shame/stigma, loss of intimacy (oddly enough this still occurred for parent with children suffering from a mental illness), depression and severe reduction of personal time/activities.

It can feel pretty overwhelming to consider this, but at some point, the ONLY thing that makes sense is to realize that we have a choice of allowing the mental illness of our partners or children to take over every aspect of our lives or to choose to live our lives with the presence of illness but not because of it. I don't think I've said that well, but it's the only way I know to put it. We have to choose health for ourselves at some point, or be consumed by our partner or child's illness. We have to choose living over waiting, over reacting.

From what I can see (and admittedly, I am very new to all of this and have a very limited scope of experience), that is what will move you out of Stage II and into Stage III. That sequence of choices that begin to propel you in a new direction, maybe one where you can live with mental illness in your life but don't have to have that illness dictate what your life becomes. Of course, it is dependent on so many factors, some outside of our control, but we have to remind ourselves that we have a choice in our own lives. That is powerful. That is at least part of the road to rebuilding our lives when we have been upended by the damages of mental illness.

And maybe as much as anything, despite the fact that I have read and heard it from the folks on this site over and over, BPD is a serious mental illness. It may not appear as extreme as schizophrenia or bipolar I, II or even depression, but as we know, the effects are every bit as debilitating and recovery does not necessarily mean normality will be reached but perhaps the symptoms reduced to a workable level.

[Inquisitive1]

Thanks T&S.

In some respects, I think BPD is more difficult than other illnesses. The strong aversion of pwBPD to therapy. No medications. The fact that they can behave very normally much of the time. Their ability to cast blame on others. My wife has an instinctive ability to find weak spots in people including me. This ability makes her very, very good in arguments with me or others. I think many pwBPD share these traits.

Maybe that's why there are so many people only discover their partner has BPD years after they marry. I'm a smart man with some experience in the mental health profession and it took me ~20 years to realize this. For the last several years, I suspected bipolar disorder, but that was wrong. I think if it had been a different mental disorder, I would have figured it out earlier.

NAMI was suggested to me earlier, and I disregarded, but I may pursue based on your recomendo. I'm a little concerned with how she would react to that. She's encouraged me to attend A-Anon, but I haven't attended. I've heard that those meeting are highly variable--the quality depends upon who shows up at a given meeting.

Interesting to note that she is very comfortable talking with those close to her about her alcoholism, but the BPD is strictly under wraps. Only my older son and I know. And, she pretty much never mentions it. I'm sure part of it is stigma of mental illness. I wonder what else it might be.

[Robins0n]

I showed up here pretty well shell shocked in Stage I. I spent the next 3 months in Stage II. Nowadays, I feel like I am moving more toward Stage III but still move pretty fluid between all three. I think that's pretty natural.

I can completely relate, takingandsending. It seems that even when you reach stage III, it's almost guaranteed that you will frequently slip back as far as stage I.

I just was in denial about how much grief and loss I was feeling

In my situation, it's almost as if the denial helps to digest the amount of negative effects my wife's BPD has on my life. If my brain wouldn't interrupt this constant flow of 'bad news' with some good old denial sometimes, I think I'd have lost my mind a long time ago. Especially in the beginning of the relationship and the early days of the diagnosis, when the negative outlook was quite overwhelming.

To simplify and to be consistent with my earlier analogy , I'd like to sum up all those negative effects BPD has on MY life in one word: 'disabilities'. I believe, there will be fewer and fewer new 'disabilities' to accept over time. At some point I'll be aware of most of them. takingandsending listed many of them already:

lack of validation of our experience, increased household and financial responsibilities, isolation, shame/stigma, loss of intimacy (oddly enough this still occurred for parent with children suffering from a mental illness), depression and severe reduction of personal time/activities.

In this theory, the actual abuse (i.e. wife dysregulating/rage episodes/becoming unhinged) is not part of the 'disabilities'. While the number of 'disabilities' appears to be limited, I'm certain that there's no limit to the abuse. The abuse seems like an ever evolving entity, a bottomless pit.

And here's the interesting thing. In the beginning, the abuse would happen, because I was not only completely unaware of my wife's condition but also not a good communicator to begin with.

Now that I'm aware of my wife's illness and have improved my communication skills, it seems as if the abuse only happens when I'm in either the anger or depression stage because then, I'm often unable or even unwilling to properly communicate (i.e. SET/DEARMAN). I'm too angry or too depressed to be helpful, to improve the situation. Don't ask me why - I just feel like that sometimes 

Some reasons why I might slip back into the depression stage could be that:

1. I just discovered a new 'disability' (e.g. severe reduction of personal time/activities)

2. I realized a 'disability' that I thought of being temporary is actually permanent (e.g. all of them so far  )

3. I haven't figured out how to function with a particular 'disability', yet. (e.g. how to make up for the lack of support and/or intimacy in your relationship).

4. My own issues somehow amplify the negative effects of a 'disability' (e.g. low self esteem from childhood trauma worsens negative emotions from receiving little or no validation or intimacy from my BPDw).

I'm confident that time, education, sharing our experiences on this platform and solid reasons for staying will take care of of 1., 2. & 3.

I'm trying to figure out #4. with a shrink - although I assume the shrink could be helpful regarding 1., 2. & 3. as well.

Thoughts?

[Inquisitive1]

Robins0n, that's a deep post, I need to digest for a while before I respond. (This post should make it easier to find when I'm ready.)

[takingandsending]

Geez, Robins0n! Those four points are a pretty good summary of what I am grappling with in my life. I have got to a pretty good point of understanding the illness and seeing it how it manifests in my wife. I am starting to grow my personal time through application of boundaries and decisions to put my own needs for some happiness ahead of the needs to caretake my wife (which I don't think helps either one of us at all   ). I am even beginning to accept that things are more permanent than temporary and moving through the grief associated with that.

But the last two points have me stuck. I don't know how to resolve them aside from leaving the relationship. I am not even certain, now, how I would react to offers for intimacy (not that they are forthcoming) because I don't know if/how to trust my wife again. I feel pretty wounded here. I still hope (maybe against hope) that we can repair this foundation of our RS by slowly, incrementally creating some positive regard for each other. But it not happening overnight, either for me or my wife.

Wish I could help you more. It's painful, but we just have to keep making life affirming choices and see where it leads. 

[jedimaster]

The amputation analogy is a great one.  Really hit it on the head.  In our home besides uBPDw, we have an adult son with intellectual disabilities.  The interesting thing about my wife is that she is fabulous with people with disabilities.  It's like they are the only people on the planet she can deal with at face value.  So our son is very functional, happy, and well-adjusted (maybe the only one in the family).  I also see some analogy between him and the situation with BPD.  He will never do many things, such as live on his own, go to college, hold a regular job, have kids, etc.  Yet he is active in several Special Olympic sports, and has won numerous awards and medals.  He has also played "regular" church-league softball, has run several 5K's, and will run his first 10K next week.  So in our home we have accepted that there are things he can't do, things he does that "normal" people don't do, and a lot of things he can do like anyone else.  This has been very helpful to me in working through my own acceptance of my spouse's BPD.  Thanks so much for your analogy, which allowed me to connect it to my own situation.  Best of luck with yours.

[Robins0n]

I am starting to grow my personal time through application of boundaries and decisions to put my own needs for some happiness ahead of the needs to caretake my wife

I'll have to pick your brain about that some day. Boundaries remain a complete mystery to me. Meaning, I can come up with plenty of boundaries but have had little to no success enforcing them... .so, I stopped trying.

But the last two points have me stuck. I don't know how to resolve them aside from leaving the relationship.

How solid would you rate your reasons for staying? If your rating is high, your statement suddenly turns into something positive: "I'm temporarily stuck and looking for a solution.". 

Maybe it helps to take some time off from looking for solutions and spend it on re-evaluating your reasons for staying.

I am not even certain, now, how I would react to offers for intimacy (not that they are forthcoming) because I don't know if/how to trust my wife again. I feel pretty wounded here. I still hope (maybe against hope) that we can repair this foundation of our RS by slowly, incrementally creating some positive regard for each other. But it not happening overnight, either for me or my wife.

I can completely relate to your feelings here. I've noticed that whenever I'm either angry or depressed, I can barely look my wife in the eye let alone attempt or respond to offers for intimacy (not that they're forthcoming  ).

For the longest time, I believed my wife's BPD (mainly the abuse) had somehow destroyed this positive regard for my wife that I find very important for intimacy, when in reality I've simply been too angry or depressed to even think about having sex with her.

When I'm in a 'better place' (denial or acceptance maybe?), I've noticed that I get turned on by her quite easily. I concluded 2 things from these observations:

- This positive regard for my wife can vanish and reappear or better yet 'gets interrupted' frequently.

- Most of the time, it reactivates without my wife's participation, solely because I was able to stop being angry or depressed. It seemed like the change mostly occurred within me as opposed to in collaboration with my wife.

Surprisingly, this revelation didn't get me laid more often at all  What's the missing puzzle piece? I believe it's my newly acquired hesitation to initiate as it's not easy for me to deal with the constant rejection - the rejection seems to somehow get amplified by my own baggage (the shrink can hopefully sort this out for me). That said, I guess the key is to initiate whenever you're both horny and in a good place    AND properly process the rejection afterwards, meaning, look for help if the rejection hurts you bad enough to make it difficult for you to initiate the next time. Best of luck sir 

The interesting thing about my wife is that she is fabulous with people with disabilities.

Similar experience here jedimaster. My wife is absolutely great with a close family member with disabilities, very compassionate and patient. Traits I rarely get to experience myself.

Yet he is active in several Special Olympic sports, and has won numerous awards and medals.  He has also played "regular" church-league softball, has run several 5K's, and will run his first 10K next week.

This is awesome Congrats to the both of you!

[AnnaK]

I don't know, for me validation skill (and I suppose that I sometimes use the SET too), it was like a revelation - ah, that's how I can get to know what's on his mind!

Obviously I have no issues with it from my part - I always wanted him to share his feelings with me, but I somehow believed that saying "you look hurt" might be too intrusive. Looks like it's not intrusive - it kinda relieves his doubts if it's okay to feel that way - so he happily shares... .and he does not complain that he is not being "heard" anymore.

For me it IS what I see as the most important part of relationship. Myself, I don't need too much validation - I self-validate, and besides, I built quite a support network of friends that can give me that any time. So I usually take it easy when I don't get validated. In fact we have a compromise - I routinely share my things that I want to share, he routinely does not say anything about it... .

So for me the end result is very close to what I want from a relationship... .I see his sharing his emotions as trust and I highly value it. For me understanding my partner has higher priority than any other aspect. I am not going to get tired of it, because it gives me what I want - an insight into my partner' inner world... .

But then - I am female.

[waverider]

The problem is we can disable ourselves by enabling their disability.

We do this by trying too hard to keep the peace and make things easier for them, at all costs. A relationship is bigger than just not upsetting them.

You have to work on the relationship, including your half, whilst minimizing unnecessary triggering. Which is not the same as attempting to eliminate it at all costs. You cant sterilize your life, it is the only one you have. That will result in a martyr mentality and deep resentment

If you want an omelette you will have to break a few eggs. You wont get an omelette by just cosseting the eggs. The things you want, you will not be given, you will have to make them possible.

To stay in any RS we have to make sure we know what is in it for us? Sooner or later you will need to face this question in order to accept it as a choice, rather than an obligation

[waverider]

As far as the tools such as validation and SET are concerned, these are useful lifestyle skills dont just see them as an obligation you have to perform just to keep the peace. Hence not overdoing them at all costs.

[ydrys017]

The problem is we can disable ourselves by enabling their disability.

We do this by trying too hard to keep the peace and make things easier for them, at all costs. A relationship is bigger than just not upsetting them.

You have to work on the relationship, including your half, whilst minimizing unnecessary triggering. Which is not the same as attempting to eliminate it at all costs. You cant sterilize your life, it is the only one you have. That will result in a martyr mentality and deep resentment

If you want an omelette you will have to break a few eggs. You wont get an omelette by just cosseting the eggs. The things you want, you will not be given, you will have to make them possible.

To stay in any RS we have to make sure we know what is in it for us? Sooner or later you will need to face this question in order to accept it as a choice, rather than an obligation

Excellent response, thank you.