Doing the right thing before I understood it.

[Grey Kitty]

I'm starting to see that I have good reason to trust myself. Here's a story:

Background: My wife and I are currently in a period which was planned to be a LDR for a few weeks. Loong story, more on the staying board... .she's cheating on me, so I've moved into LC/NC rather than LDR.

More Background: I don't change my facebook profile pic very often, sometimes it goes years. A couple months back for our anniversary, I changed it to a really sweet selfie of me and my wife.

I noticed I was feeling a little yucky when I saw it during chats with people and stuff. So I decided to change it to something different. I went to the album of about a dozen profile pix I'd used before. Some were related to other seasons. One has me suited up for nasty work on my boat, I thought about it... .but decided that it didn't feel healthy to pick something that represented putting on armor to protect myself right now. Skipped over another one I'd used for years.

Then I settled on a picture of our sailboat under sail. It represented a huge accomplishment--My wife and I had both worked our butts off on the boat. (Then she got burnt out and I continued) The sails in the pic--I'd designed the rig myself. I'd sewed the sails myself.

That was in the afternoon. It was a small thing, one that felt right. I sent a quick chat message to a friend "You know why I made this change now." ... .and got about my day. Looking back, I said that about what I changed the pic FROM only. I'm pretty sure she didn't know why I changed it TO the new one. I didn't know yet.

Hours later, that evening, I was overcome with a realization: Even if my wife and I split, I can keep this boat and keep all the love, energy, blood, sweat, and tears I've put into her.

During some previous years when I was uncertain about whether my wife and I would work it out, I had lost a lot of hope, because our plan had always been to go off sailing TOGETHER on this boat. And if we weren't together, in addition to losing my wife, I was losing all I'd put into the boat, as I couldn't do that without her. I knew that I didn't want to go off sailing around the world solo.

Now I realized that I could keep this boat, finish the projects I was working on, continue to live on her, and build a life for myself going forward. That I needed to keep something of my own. It might not be the one I had been planning with my wife... .but I could make one that would be good for me.

And I realized that I absolutely needed to keep her myself. Whether I share her with my wife or not. THIS IS A VERY BIG THING.

And it came not many hours after a little thing.

[patientandclear]

Right on GK.  It sounds like you are building a nucleus of strong good things that are yours, that you are going to safeguard and rely on, regardless of what happens with your wife.  That's so great.  I know this is a tough time but you're doing a ton of great work yourself and no matter what happens, you aren't going to lose yourself if you keep focusing on what makes you you and what you need to be happy.