dBPDw admitting things long after the fact almost makes it worse...

[Mr. Solo]

... .especially when it is something that we fought about for a long time. For example, she used to go to the grocery store or Wal-Mart late at night with a female "friend." We lived five minutes from a Wal-Mart but they would go to the one across town. When I would ask why they didn't just go to the closest Wal-Mart I would get an answer like they like the other one better. It has better and more stuff. I knew it was bull. It was more time they could spend together. So, we went back and forth for probably a year about this stuff. Then after she left, she tells me out of the blue, "Oh yeah. Remember when we used to go to store late at night and we would go to stores that were further away? You were right. It took longer." Keep in mind she told me this thinking it would make me feel better. This after all the denial and theatrics surrounding it and me being tabbed as super paranoid. It was a big deal. It was one of our major issues. It is something she referenced as one of the reasons she left (me being paranoid). It is something she referenced when she went around to all our friends setting me up. I was paranoid. She couldn't even go to the stores she wanted to. It is frustrating feeling like you are being lied to but it is actually very painful when you find out for sure you were right all along.

She blew up on me once about a week before she left and it was seriously something she just made up in her head. I was asleep and she came in the room screaming. I had no idea what she was talking about. She was out of control. Well, I tried to talk to her about it afterwards because I was confused as hell. Of course, she was perfectly calm. Not out of control. Maybe raised her voice but that's all. She used this as a reason to leave as well. I thought she was crazy because I apparently don't see and hear things right. Well, six months after she leaves she admits it. "Yeah. I was out of control. I'm sorry."

The day she left, she left because she got into an argument with my mother. My wife was out of control again. She said she wasn't and I was making stuff up. After she leaves, she admits she was out of control.

Do you see my frustration? She invented things to begin with, out of thin air, and then used them against me as reasons to leave, apparently knowing all along I was right. It makes my heart hurt.

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[waverider]

It is common. Often the denials and delusions are real in their minds at that time. Often it is only in hindsight when the issue is not of great importance to them that the stubborn belief in their own excuses fades.

[Mr. Solo]

It is common. Often the denials and delusions are real in their minds at that time. Often it is only in hindsight when the issue is not of great importance to them that the stubborn belief in their own excuses fades.

Right. I just do not understand how she could leave knowing many of the things she used to leave were totally made up in her mind and/or embellishments of the truth. Or at least after admitting to these things it would seem she would be more willing to work things out. Instead she admits lots of things but continues to hold them against me or hold my responses to them against me. I am not sure how she expected me to react to being accused of something that was made up out of thin air. In reality, I never even reacted badly until I would realize she was going to use these things against me. She has always made things up or embellished but, in the past, she would calm down after 30 mins or so and come back and apologize. I was fine with that. I am not fine with, for example, accusing me of going to church with her one Sunday morning just because I didn't want her to be out of my sight. In reality, I simply wanted to go with my family.  My instincts told me at the time SHE didn't want me going but she raised hell when I told her that when it was happening. She went without me and then when she got home chewed me out like I was crazy nuts. She was out of control for no real reason. In fact, she left with the kids a few hours after she got home from church that day (after she continued her emotional rants with my mother). She expected me to agree with her when arguing with my mother despite the fact she was, once again, blowing something way out of proportion. So, she grabbed the kids up and told me she was going to visit a friend and would cool down and come back. She never came back. I waited two days before I went to confront her (which was another HUGE mistake as I ended up being assaulted by her friends' husband and father in law). I guess it just makes me sad.

[waverider]

It is hard to understand, unfortunately much of what happens in a pwBPDs mind may be predictable but difficult to understand. This is why true empathy is difficult (as they keep trying to tell us) they think a different logic (if you can call it that).

It has a lot to do with object consistency, reasoning today is different to yesterday, and tommorrow as they are all rewritten to suit the feelings of the moment.

I have heard confessions of serious rewrites, only to have the rewrite put back in place shortly thereafter. It is as though there are two realities and she picks whichever version suits her current need.

She acts acts on how her feelings or impulses dictate now, then the reasoning/excuse/evidence is mix and matched to give a justification, there is no consistency with any previous version. Truth/Twisted Truth/fabrications have no real boundaries and she will mix and match to come up with a version that best reflects how she feels at that moment.

Asking why did you do that? Will not elicit a considered honest response, it will elicit whatever is felt will sound best to justify her actions.

The only truth is that you will never know the truth, even if you heard it you would not trust as being the truth.

This is why admissions and apologies dont carry a whole lot of weight

[Mr. Solo]

She actually played a game with me today she hasn't played in a long time. She asks something she knows is not going to fly because it is inappropriate and then when I feel "funny" because of what she asks (usually something that lets me know I am nothing to her), she turns it on me like I am the problem. Then she uses that to justify doing whatever she wants to do (which is usually something that is carried out to hurt me more). It really sucks and it hurts. It is taking everything in me right now to not tell her it really sucks that she treats the one person who continues to stand by her through thick and thin like this. I don't deserve it. All I have done is put up with the most ridiculous and painful nonsense for just over four years. She was cruel. She tried to ruin my life. She tried to take my kids. She had me assaulted. She admitted to driving me crazy. Yet, I am still here trying to work things out because I love her and I continue to be treated like crap. Something has to change. I am getting really, really tired.

[waverider]

So what is your long term goal and why?

it is important to be clear what we are aiming for and our motivations