My high-fuctioning uBPD/NPDstbxh is still friends with my son's parents-in-law, which of course creates a difficult situation. We're LC (only divorce stuff). I read on their FB that they had dinner with him at his new place (of which he won't give me the address). They won't give me the address either, because they 'don't want to be in the middle' and are 'objective' and we're 'both welcome at their house'. So be it... .But the minute I asked them for the address, they immediately (as in: immediately... .) contacted him that I was asking around for his address, which seems to me that if you don't want to be put in the middle, you don't convey what one person says to the other person (or is that my poor judgment?).
I don't think it is poor judgment on your part but maybe they felt caught in the middle by you asking for his address. As for them telling him you wanted his address, I guess I would ask did they do it in a way that was like "hey man she is trying to find out your info, just be aware" or were they saying "hey she was asking your info, should we give it to her becasue we don't want to be disrepectful of your boundaries.
But... .I have a really hard time dealing with his two-faced behaviour. Playing Mr. Nice Guy with other people, pretending as if nothing has happened and he's just moved to another place and the friendship can still go on and "isn't he a good friend".
It is so very hard dealing with the two-faced stuff. What is hard for us to understand though is that to "them" he may be a good friend because they haven't/don't have the same kind of relationship with the ex as we did. It is def validationg to have people take our side in something like this but eventually for me I didn't need the validation becasue I trusted myself, my choices. Not saying you don't trust those things but for me that is what I was looking for in the very beginning.
So I'm not only dealing with his rude BPD-behaviour, I also have to deal with his 'good side' towards other people (always only reserved for other people, not for me) and feeling let down because the so-called friends don't seem very good friends when they know the whole story from both sides and still think he's okay.
I hated that others saw the good and I would only get the selfish, manipulative behaviore but they didn't know my ex like I did. Try not to look at it as they aren't being good friends to you just because they are friends with him. Your son's in laws may be trying to remain close for the sake of your son. I also find that some people are not very healthy themselves will put up with the behavior of people like the ex. He could be smearing you, and in that case let your actions speak for themselves and set the facts straight if the in laws ever bring it up.
It makes me doubt my judgment. It makes me feel I'm up against the whole world. It makes me feel let down. It makes me feel lonely.
Don't doubt yourself. Take this time to work on yourself, eventually the view others have won't matter so much. Let them be his friend and deal with him, remember their relastionship is different than yours was. If they treat you poorly mabye it is time to get rid of people like this. It can be hard and lonely, try finding healthy people to surround yourself with.
How can you stay strong and keep believing in yourself when the outside world thinks he's awesome and a good friend. How do you cope, because frankly... .I can't cope much longer.
I was married for just shy of 11 years. One of our good friends lived down the street from us and our DD11 and their DD11 have been friends since they were 3, so we have all been friends for 8 years. We hung out with them all of the time and were pretty close. When the divorce happened I was nervous because I wasn't sure what would happen to the friendship. I had moved out of the neighborhood and my ex was still there so that made me nervous too. The wife and I stayed closer than the husband was closer with my ex, but they did a pretty good job staying neutral. I knew they may talk to my ex so if there was something I didn't want him to know, I just simply didn't talk to them or bring those things up. I made sure that no matter what I said I would be ok if my ex were to hear it. It took a lot of hard work for me to realize that it didn't matter what others thought of my ex, it only matters that what I thought/think of him for me to know that it wasn't healthy for me.
Sorry you are going through this, just know it will get easier it just takes some work.
