I ended it

[ziniztar]

and will be moving over to the Leaving board.

I have built up detachment for a while now, and even though I really WANT to make this happen, he has consistently proven he is incapable of doing so. He is not the only problem, we are the problem together. I have massive, severe abandonment issues that keep being triggered by his coping mechanism of detachment. I keep craving for something more and my fear of not getting enough is blurred by actually not getting enough. How do I then decide if my fear is real, or over the top?

I told him I am maybe willing to discuss things at a later stage, but that it's not good enough for me now. I hope to detach for a while and get back to my own life. I don't want to beg for attention, beg for time to spend together, that is reliving old patterns of craving attention from my father, that is NOT changing my life for the better. I hate to hurt him like this but it's better this way for me.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[patientandclear]

Zinzitar:

This shows so much insight.

I followed very much the same path, though not as decisively as you.  I too have massive abandonment issues and what I needed to accept in order to continue the relationship was activating really core panic for me.  (Honestly I think almost anyone would feel that what they needed to accept to continue in my relationship was degrading and dishonoring to both people, but even if others could have accepted it without doing great damage to themselves, I can't.)

Realizing that you are going to turn into someone you don't want to be, if you keep having to respond to the way he chooses to behave, is really responsible to yourself and also to him.  As I said at the end to my ex, it's better to know that what we need and can give don't match.  Ignoring that leads to the feeling that you are oppressing one another.

I'll see you over on Leaving.

[maxsterling]

I think wading through the FOG takes tremendous courage.  I applaud you for your courage.

[formflier]

 

Zin,

Thanks for all your posts over here... .I think you have been very helpful by sharing your story... for the good of all.

FF

[Mono No Aware]

Good luck zinizatar. Your clear insights and well-written posts will be missed here in Staying. Take care of yourself!

[ziniztar]

Thanks, everyone.

The sadness and hurt I am now feeling is mostly related to hurting him.

I know that even yesterday he made an effort to show me he is willing to change things, for me.

It is very difficult to have to say to him that is not good enough.

[MaroonLiquid]

Sorry to hear that, but good luck to you.  Thanks for sharing your story.

[takingandsending]

Hey ziniztar.

I am really proud of you for how you worked with your bf and now, how you are choosing to do what is right for you. It's a tremendously hard decision, and I feel for you and your bf as you grieve the separation and loss. Continue to stay with your own feelings - that's the area where you can work and change. I am sure your bf made a lot of positive changes just from having met you.

We will miss you on the Staying board, but I am certain that you will still bring a lot of insight, humor and wisdom on the Leaving board to people. And as well, I hope that you continue to get the support and loving kindness from friends that you deserve.

Thanks   

[MissyM]

Zin, thank you for letting us know.  It sounds like you are following your own path for healing.  That takes courage.  Keep on taking care of you!

[123Phoebe]

Hi Ziniztar,

It's sad and frustrating when our relationships don't work out the way we hoped they would

Wishing you peace, love and understanding   The door is always open over here if things change...

[Grey Kitty]

 

It may not be much comfort... .but I've seen all the progress you made in this r/s while you've been posting here. This work will help carry you through ending it as much as it helped you work with it.

I hope I don't have to follow you over to the Leaving board soon. I dunno what my wife's going to do after she finishes this cheating fling she's on.

 GK

[nightmoves]

Ziniztar-

Will remember fondly the discussions we had regarding schemas.

All the very best of luck to you.

You are a special person.

[waverider]

Hopefully the time spent on the staying board has brought you clarity and will make your path forward more clear, with less regrets and " what ifs".

[ziniztar]

It's sad and frustrating when our relationships don't work out the way we hoped they would

Wishing you peace, love and understanding   The door is always open over here if things change...

It is.

And thanks. I hope I won't, I really think it is for the better, unless he changes his coping mechanism through this experience, but... I don't see that happening actually. And how would I even notice? How would I open up again without the doubt that it is idealization and/or pulling back in, with the push waiting around all the time?

Waverider, it has. Thanks.

[123Phoebe]

unless he changes his coping mechanism through this experience, but... I don't see that happening actually. And how would I even notice? How would I open up again without the doubt that it is idealization and/or pulling back in, with the push waiting around all the time?

Push-Pull, Idealization/Devaluation is a strong component of BPD.  What happened with me, is that I would attach strongly to these phases; had to learn to connect to myself when this was at play, with respect for him.  Not easy!  When I attached too strongly (react!), I would lose myself in the process; I was riding his emotions.  I guess you could call it mirroring him.

We've never discussed BPD.  I grew up in major dysfunction and didn't want this relationship to be dysfunction-based, where most of our interactions are 'dealing' with what's going on here... .  Rather, build on the good, not 'idealization', there is a difference.  The good is where we connect on a heart level.  When it happens, you know it, you feel it and can take things from there without all the flurry to fix.

I've accepted that our relationship isn't perfect.  I've also realized that no relationship is or the people in them. 

If I was younger with true awareness of my values and wanted to start a family, I would probably have ended this relationship.  Having children has not been a value of mine, there is too much mental illness in my family and I was scared to death of passing on possible genes, lack of support etc; knew myself well enough to know that I would surely struggle if I were to have a mentally ill child and if I was struggling, so would the child.  It was something I felt I couldn't take a chance on.

So, maybe take this time to really get in touch with yourself.  Once we do, the rest sort of falls into place.  Accepting that there is no utopia, gave me a head start in tackling some of my own unrealistic aspirations, while providing clarity for what was actually possible.

Be kind and gentle with yourself, ziniztar

[ziniztar]

The good is where we connect on a heart level.  When it happens, you know it, you feel it and can take things from there without all the flurry to fix.

Yes, you're right. I know I will recognize it. We've had a few of those moments and they felt so good.

If I was younger with true awareness of my values and wanted to start a family, I would probably have ended this relationship. 

After all the advice you've given on the staying board I find this very honest. Thanks.

So, maybe take this time to really get in touch with yourself.  Once we do, the rest sort of falls into place.  Accepting that there is no utopia, gave me a head start in tackling some of my own unrealistic aspirations, while providing clarity for what was actually possible.

Be kind and gentle with yourself, ziniztar

I think we both want the same things, that's the problem. We share the same hobbies, the same type of friends, humor, taste in music, food, values on how people should behave etc. He has a strong wish to become a father and get a stable life. He said that during therapy there were always three people in the room: him, his T, and him fighting himself. That person needs to get out of there and I don't think that me breathing in his neck was helping him in that process.

Maybe I'll be back over to staying but I'm sure it will take months. We need room to breathe, the both of us.

xxx