How can I get myslef to take my own advice?

[Cipher13]

So it’s been a little while since I posted anything on here. I was hoping new counseling would happen. It didn’t. Just could not afford it and insurance wouldn’t cover enough to make a dent in the cost.  Plus things were kind of looking ok. Not improving just not getting worse. So this post is about exactly that. If nothing is getting worse and nothing is getting better than is that a good thing or just less of a bad thing. I tend to get advice that is wise from this site….yet do not take it or fully apply it. I give advice yet don’t use it for myself in the same situation. So why it’s not better is because of me and the lack of doing what needs to be done.

I found that total isolation is indeed her goal. Right from her lips. Last night I got a text forma co-worker that was having car troubles and asked for a ride to work. It was not out of the way in the least. She saw the text and freaked out. Was I talking and interacting with people at work? Do I go to lunch with people and have fun? Why is this guy calling you can’t he have a friend take him?  I politely replied back and talk the co-worker I could not….He understood.  That’s how the topic turned to “You should never have anyone in your life but me. You should only ever want me around and focused on me.” I asked about having friends or family. “No then you will not want to focus on me and our relationship.” The worst part of the conversation was like I was talking to a whining 3 year old. Just endless whining tone and noises it just irritated me yet I said nothing about that.

I am more than half at fault for my own situation by not handling things properly. Like I have told the T many times if I was a more self-confident and assertive person I would not have been in this relationship this long.  So how do I get myself to take the good advice including my own?

[Wrongturn1]

Cipher: Good to hear from you again.  Sounds like a difficult situation with your wife wanting to keep you in total isolation (and you complying).  I'll be the first one to admit that I don't always do a good job of practicing what I preach around here.  Still though, my relationship and overall satisfaction with life have improved SIGNIFICANTLY since I started using the tools and advice found here, so I can attest that it really is worthwhile to make the changes that we have the ability to make to improve our lives.

Are there any baby steps you could take that would start to point you in the right direction?  Things like taking the time to practice your guitar for 30 minutes every other day; helping out a co-worker when convenient; calling a family member to say hello occasionally; or even just keeping the top of your dresser clear of your wife's clutter/stuff? 

If you need inspiration on the baby step program... .check out the movie "What About Bob" with Bill Murray!   

[Grey Kitty]

Tell us a specific, detailed example of one time where you didn't take your own advice.

[Cipher13]

Example: I know I do not want ot move and find a different job. I like where I live and what I do for a living. She does not like where we live and hates my job. Says it take some of the blame for why she feels the way she does. I do not put my foot down and say " Nope styaing here not moving not changing my job." I say I'll look. I pass it off without addressing it.

[Grey Kitty]

What do you get out of saying "I'll look" when you know you don't want to, or even intend to?

[Aussie0zborn]

What an interesting topic and some great answers. Tonight I was told that the advice I give here and my opinions are really my way of giving advice to myself. It makes sense. The only way you will heed your own advice is to build your strength and to assert yourself using the DEARMAN technique. It will not go down well with her but once you have that determination and inner strength I would suggest you can assert yourself easily and improve the quality of your life (your life, not hers).

Here is one reason why you should interact with others : I was in your position for seven years. It took me five years to figure out that it was not me and it was almost all her. We didn't laugh much. If I laughed when reading something or talking to someone on the 'phone I had to explain myself and was supposed to feel bad for being amused by something that she was not a part of. Once I explained what I had found amusing, she would ridicule it.

Now, I have a beautiful non-BPD girlfriend. We laugh a lot. Just laughing in the way we do is the best part of my life right now. Every time I laugh I feel alive and unshackled. I feel that I have reclaimed not just a part of me, but have reclaimed my life. This feeling is exhilarating and I feel alive. \

My girlfriend has two sisters and sometimes I feel I have three girlfriends - when you see the four of us together it's hard to pick which one of the three sisters is my gal because we get on fabulously and we all have the same sense of humour. I am free to be myself and not feel guilty about sharing a laugh with my gal's two sisters.

Tonight I was telling the girls that I received an invitation to which I had replied that "I would have to check with my girlfriends to see what they're doing that day". I did this very tongue-in-cheek to see if I would get away with it and all three picked up on it and again we laughed. We laughed hard.

For me it's laughter, for you it might be something else that you can reclaim. Asserting yourself and reclaiming just one thing at a time will enhance your life. You have the right to drive a male colleague to work - your colleague has the right to call you and ask for a lift to work. You have the right to ring your family members and say hi. You have the right to be you.

Some of the exercises here will help immensely. Practise them and reclaim your life. Good luck.

[Waddams]

Re: How can I get myslef to take my own advice?

For me it's about fear.  Just being afraid of the fight that will come.  Or being afraid of making someone else feel bad.  Then realizing I'm not the one making them feel bad, they are responsible for that.  If they choose to maintain a position that is untenable to me, then it's not my fault they get upset when I don't comply.  It's their fault for being so selfish to start with.  They have expectations of others that are so unrealistic but they have them all the same.  It's their problem if they can't grow to a point of being able to respect another person and individuate others as separate people.  The only way they will grow is painfully.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey Cipher13, Suggest you call your co-worker back and tell him that you will be happy to give him a ride next time!  You are not a prisoner and this is a free country.  I concur w/Waddams:

If they choose to maintain a position that is untenable to me, then it's not my fault they get upset when I don't comply.  It's their fault for being so selfish to start with.  They have expectations of others that are so unrealistic but they have them all the same.  It's their problem if they can't grow to a point of being able to respect another person and individuate others as separate people.

There is an interesting book out there called When I Say No, I Feel Guilty.  You might want to check it out.

Lucky Jim

[Grey Kitty]

The only way they will grow is painfully.

True, dat.

Same applies to us!

[peiper]

Cipher, I understand completely as I did the very same for awhile.I didn't want to make waves. Heck I used to jump out of planes with a gun strapped to my leg, yet I'm scared of a 120 pound ,five ft seven woman ? Then it dawned on me that I'm not in the Army anymore!  I can make my own decisions, so I rationalized it and came up with "as long as I'm doing nothing morally wrong and not out to intentionally hurt another ill do as I damn well please" . Mind ya now she moved out and filed for divorce just a few months later. But good riddance, who wants to be marred to a Drill Sergeant? A psycho one at that.