looks like she changed her strategy...

[catclaw]

Hey,

I'm just facing a twist in our story and need some advice.

When SS moved in with us, his uBPDm was against ANYTHING concerning health issues, examinations and stuff.

She has him EOW and right now she seems to have changed her mind and writes E-Mails about "how concerned and worried" she is as her son has sleeping issues as she figured out (wow, really? that's something we told her months ago) and thinks we give him too little warmth because we don't let him (7y/o) sleep in our bed like she does. She's manipulative as hell and her E-Mails are always free of verbal attacks, it's just claims and between the lines you read how she's trying to get us to think how we're doing stuff wrong SHE (the loving, caring, angellike mother) does perfectly. While at the beginning we had to fight for the basic examinations, now she wants to have his sleep supervised in a laboratory (SS himself says he wakes up very often at night and his pediatrician already gave him homeopathic meds to make it better and his play therapist also works on it with him. he really has trouble sleeping and is grinding his teeth at night, but we were told we have to try to reduce his stress-level to get to the core of the problem, which is what we're doing by trying to integrate him socially, spending time and taking care of his needs) and have him see a dentist immediately. DH told her dentist is ok, we'll get an appointment for all three of us together, but if she wants to have him in a sleeping-lab, she'll have to take care of it herself.

Her last E-Mails were very long and emotional and just talking about what she feels and what he needs and what she thinks he's lacking with us. Nothing neutral, just "he is so small and helpless and needs so much bodycontact and I think it's because he misses me so much and because he's so afraid at night and you have to embrace and cuddle him more, because I feel that's what he needs most of all things" and so on. Nothing informing or neutral, just what her feeling on the issues are. We got medical and therapeutic help for him, she just "feels" stuff out of the blue and verbalizes it in endless mails. How would you react to this?

1. we were told to keep mails neutral and friendly. her way of writing makes it hard to answer, because some things are just to be validated, i see that. but if we do this, she will keep on mourning. that's how it started.

2. from "wow you can't take him to the doctor, it's too much stress for him and he's so fragile and vulnerable and it will scare the hell out of him" we got to "you have to make appointments for him RIGHT NOW,because I thin it's the most necessary thing in the world" and we just don't see where this change of mind came from.

Any ideas?

I'm off to work now and read you later Have a beautiful day

[Matt]

Usually the best thing to do about emotional stuff is ignore it - just respond to the practical information.  If you engage with her over her emotions, it will get complicated.

This is your stepson, but he lives with you most of the time?  And with his biomom just EOW?

How is he doing in other areas - school, etc.?

If he's with you most of the time, it seems like you and his father can take the lead on this, and  not just react to what biomom says.  If you think he needs to go to the doctor, for whatever reason, just take him, and if not, then not.

Is SS7 in counseling?  It sounds like he needs to learn how to cope better with stress, and a counselor might help with that.

If being around his biomom is causing him a lot of stress, you might want to consider reducing the amount of time he is with her - maybe a few hours every weekend but not overnight, for example.

[LazyAtoms]

Last year SS7 was experiencing a lot of anxiety (a little bit of natural genetics and a lot of being worried about mom) and started refusing to go to school.  SO's uBPDexw did a lot of what you describe- making claims that he was being traumatized by having to go to school, and he wasn't like the other children, he was just too sensitive etc., and that he should be homeschooled.  ALL of this is because she could not deal with him being upset,  so her immediate response was to avoid the situation that caused pain (taking him to school), even though that was not the best thing for him.  She accused SO of scarring him for life.   Right around that time SO got primary custody (for other reasons, long story), and not surprisingly, through therapy and rational decision making, SS is doing fine now.  Like Matt said, we just ignored all of her emotional blather, and did what we knew he needed.  Eventually she stopped with the emails because SO stopped responding.

[ForeverDad]

In some cultures the children can sleep with the parents and often it has a practical basis.  For example, even in the USA it happened when families lived in 1 room cabins or were dirt poor.  (However, let it be noted that it is presumed the parents are mentally healthy.)

Generally more than one bed is affordable, even if sourced from Goodwill, friends or relatives.  Same for blankets and other bedding.

The parent who wants an older child to sleep with him/her raises more issues than it resolves.  It may not be 'actionable' but still... .  A general rule of thumb ought to be that the children sleep in their own beds and only occasionally run to a parent's bed such as during a lightning storm or similar situation.  "The bed isn't warm enough" is a weak excuse of misdirection away from the parent's own sense of neediness.  Also search on Object Constancy where a disordered parent may feel disconnected from the child if not right there.

[catclaw]

Usually the best thing to do about emotional stuff is ignore it - just respond to the practical information.  If you engage with her over her emotions, it will get complicated.

we are having the correspondence via e-mail for the child service/court for the case that we will need them. and where we live they tend to have another view on parenting. co-parenting is the only possibility and the conversation has to be as informative and warm as possible, otherwise they will tell you that they feel how you're not able to provide a stable contact between kid and pther parent and this is AlwAYS negative  

This is your stepson, but he lives with you most of the time?  And with his biomom just EOW?

yeah, he lives with us most of the time after she sent him to live with us. we don't have primary custody, as this doesn't exist here. it's always half/half.

How is he doing in other areas - school, etc.?

he went to school when he lived with her/ in a foster family for a year and didn't make any progress at all in that one year. since he's with us, things are going so well for him. he's still frustrated very often while doing homework, but he enjoys the feeling of going forward with reading/writing/maths and even swimming. his teacher said she has no idea what they did with him that one year, but in the last 3 months, he learned more than he did the whole year.

If he's with you most of the time, it seems like you and his father can take the lead on this, and  not just react to what biomom says.  If you think he needs to go to the doctor, for whatever reason, just take him, and if not, then not.

Is SS7 in counseling?  It sounds like he needs to learn how to cope better with stress, and a counselor might help with that.

He's in play therapy, but his therapist does a lot of talking about the past as well and working on his anxiety and everything.

If being around his biomom is causing him a lot of stress, you might want to consider reducing the amount of time he is with her - maybe a few hours every weekend but not overnight, for example.

we can't prove that the stress has to do with her. she will always deny it and no one will help us with it - it's SS' right to see her one day a week, that's why we have to make it possible anyway... .

[Matt]

So it sounds like you are dealing with some ignorance in the court system there;  anybody who thinks that "co-parenting" is the best approach in every case just doesn't understand BPD and other psychological disorders which can make "co-parenting" impossible... .

Maybe one way to deal with it is, when she sends you an e-mail with lots of emotions, just summarize back to her briefly, "Sounds like you are very stressed these days." or something like that - not solving her problems, just summarizing what she says, so it's clear you are reading and have some sympathy for her.  It's crazy - this shouldn't be your job - but maybe that's what the court wants you to do... .

About school:  I think it's a super-important aspect of his life, for a number of reasons - being with other kids, being around other adults, being stimulated intellectually, etc.  And even more so in the coming years.  If his mom makes any more attempts to remove him from school, I hope you can stop that from happening - being around his mom all day is probably the last thing he needs.

[ForeverDad]

we don't have primary custody, as this doesn't exist here. it's always half/half.

Courts often split custody as somewhat separate from parenting time schedule.  It is good that you now have majority parenting time.