BPD partners hiding their new relationship ... ideas?

[emancipated]

This question has confounded me for quite some time, when me and my ex BPD split i had confronted her about a strange number on her phone log belonging to my replacement. She denied and said things like i hurt her so deeply she may never love/ trust again blah blah blah. And in the coming weeks when i had week moments thinking she would be equally distraught as i am and when met with just utter disdain and venom asked is there someone else? she would become very defensive almost offended at my question just saying we will never get back together and that i need to not do what i did to the next person all the while feeling my heart drop into my stomach and bleeding from lacerations her words inflicted. I eventually found out through my own research and needless to say was disgusted he is pasty disgusting middle aged man with a horrible mustache, senior enlisted in the military. The only time she has acknowledged his existence is when i tried to get closure and asked what happened blah blah blah. I tried following different ideas to try and get ur ex gf back,text them back so on and nothing worked just met with cold. you would think she would continue to rub it in my face, she mentioned moving to the rich side of town which i knew he was why and likely moving in together.and then even this most recent contact when she proceeded to be something other than a divine minion of satan she was asking questions about me,my job situation, am is still moving out west, did i reconcile with my estranged wife. All the while never mentioning him nor has she made him her profile picture on Facebook,  does it have something to do with me? Is she ashamed to have a sugar daddy? she's no sparkling gem herself but there is noway that old man gets her without money and on top of that she left her ex husband who was making about as much as this guy at one time. Any ideas /experiences/ outcomes that relate to this issue are greatly appreciated. Oh and btw we used to make fun of young girls going out with disgusting what the heck batman?

[Infared]

I had similar... but the guy was a young healthy specimen... .all the rest fits.I got into T and was able to just focus on all the lies (to both him and me), all the deceit and manipulation... .all the crazipants behavior which was all basically dishonest manipulative control by her of EVERYONE around her whilst playing a heavy dose of VICTIM.

As painful as it is, just move away from all of it, move forward and love you.  There is nothing there for you but pain and drama.  There is no understanding it as it is all selfish and irrational. The person is mentally ill and its best for you to just get out completely now.

Absolute NC is the best cure.

[Infared]

I had similar... but the guy was a young healthy specimen... .all the rest fits.I got into T and was able to just focus on all the lies (to both him and me), all the deceit and manipulation... .all the crazipants behavior which was all basically dishonest manipulative control by her of EVERYONE around her whilst playing a heavy dose of VICTIM.

As painful as it is, just move away from all of it, move forward and love you.  There is nothing there for you but pain and drama.  There is no understanding it as it is all selfish and irrational. The person is mentally ill and its best for you to just get out completely now.

Absolute NC is the best cure.

By saying this to you it helps me to stay safe as well.

Thank you for your open honesty.

[Deeno02]

Im sorry folks, but I cant allow myself to care what she does and with whom. She made a choice and so have I.

[emancipated]

Infrared... thank you for sharing your story with me... and I am aware nc is the best route and doing my best to maintain throughout but to be candid seeing the monster bwhind those brown Spanish eyes I used to adore has been just as beneficial after the initial set in she wasn't coming back... so I'm curious did she ever recontact u? Did she just ride off into the sunset never to be seen again? I guess at this point I just wanted to get an understanding and examples others had in their exes hiding the relationship and the outcome that ensued. I know these aren't the gospel but right now I want to be sure my heart is ready should she come back around... especially seeing as me reconciling with my estranged wife is on her radar... I stand By the fact I believe its gonna fail and right now I wanted to get an idea of what to expect  I can honestly say with the help of this site I can say I say I don't want to be recycled ... and deeno that's great brother I'm glad to hear that u don't care... I hope to be where u are someday we all have our processes to try and get back to normalcy and this is the route I've chosen and if it takes me longer than it did for you then I'm OK w. It so in a lot ways I look forward to being where u are... btw how did u go about getting there ? Please share ur story would love to hear even the truncateed version

[Infared]

Infrared... thank you for sharing your story with me... and I am aware nc is the best route and doing my best to maintain throughout but to be candid seeing the monster bwhind those brown Spanish eyes I used to adore has been just as beneficial after the initial set in she wasn't coming back... so I'm curious did she ever recontact u? Did she just ride off into the sunset never to be seen again? I guess at this point I just wanted to get an understanding and examples others had in their exes hiding the relationship and the outcome that ensued. I know these aren't the gospel but right now I want to be sure my heart is ready should she come back around... especially seeing as me reconciling with my estranged wife is on her radar... I stand By the fact I believe its gonna fail and right now I wanted to get an idea of what to expect  I can honestly say with the help of this site I can say I say I don't want to be recycled ... and deeno that's great brother I'm glad to hear that u don't care... I hope to be where u are someday we all have our processes to try and get back to normalcy and this is the route I've chosen and if it takes me longer than it did for you then I'm OK w. It so in a lot ways I look forward to being where u are... btw how did u go about getting there ? Please share ur story would love to hear even the truncateed version

OK... .so I just want to give a little more background so the situation is clearer an how wronged I felt. I lived with this woman of 5 years. I thought that we were soul mates. I was involve with her family deeply and I loved them, they loved me... She found her new supply in a work related situation... I will never know how long that was going on.  She just announced that she was leaving me a week before X-mas, said that there was no one else.  Moved into her Dad's house (now I don't believe that either) and left me in our home ... .feeding her cats and putting up a X-Mas tree by my self... .shocked and confused. It was GODAWFUL!   I almost didn't make it thru that depression... .would wish it upon no one.   Of course... .she does everything she can to break contact with me because she is in a new relationship and you cannot hide that... .and I am just dumbfounded (accent on dumb LOL) that she will not even talk to me about our relationship.   and... .of course she then announces to me 30 days later that she is dating.  ... and of course it is this guy from work... and she repeatedly tells me that nothing was going on. Well I am dumb... .but not that dumb.

Then the horror begins.  She gets a place in my hometown and then whenever I see them... .they act-out in front of me... .kissing... .blah... blah... .like 6th graders.

I go to T and get in self-help group... .because this it puttin a hurting on me like nothing I have ever experienced.   

Then one day I am putting my MTB on my car... .I get 5x drive-by and know that I have incoming... .

I did protect myself... .it was all I could do... .and man was it painful because I REALLY missed her.   As soon as she started to get out of the car I asked if she was still with this guy and she said yes.  I said GOOD-bye... .and she never stood up and went right back in the car like a jack-in-the-box. It's funny now, but was so NOT funny at the time.  I made the mistake of thinking... ."wow... I was rude" and called her. ... .and I got this arrogant b tch on the phone... .who says... ."will you take a walk with me ... it won't change anything".   REAL cold.   I told her absolutely not... .that I love myself and would not do that to me. (thank GOD for therapy),

She is still with the guy... .and married him I think... not sure... .but she still tries to ambush me in parking lots and stuff... .but I treat her like Ebola... .I just NEVER talk to her and get away from her as fast as I can. VERY sad.   I really though we had a connection... .but she is truly off her rocker.

[emancipated]

I can relate my friend especially the depression part and then having the gall bladder out and nearly during from blood loss all within two weeks of coming across the pics and about 6 weeks after the official breakup and truth be told infrared I wanted to die or to be dead. All the diladed in the world couldn't kill that pain and the fact we used to pick on younger women who went with older homely guys and then she leaves me for that it was too much to bare.and the lies about the dog just about tore it. I would love that chance to be able to confront the monster head on and sew If she could still affect me and yea when mine told me it was over she told me not to.come back to.town because she wouldn't see me and nothing could make a.diffrence and the projecting at me about it was all my fault and I hurt her so deeply and she could never love again and then she's humping this chomo looking dude. Still makes me sick to my stomach but I just think of it as the woman I loved is dead and this monster is all that's left.

[vortex of confusion]

First off, if you are broken up, why does it matter what she is or isn't doing?

Is there a chance that if she were posting stuff all over FB that you would be upset about that too? Do you think you would feel that she was flaunting it if she did post a bunch of stuff about the new guy?

When my husband was having relationships with other women, it would make me so mad that he would flaunt those other women and talk about them and tell me how great they were. It was like being stabbed in the back with a knife. Here is says he loves me and wants to figure out how to fix our relationship yet he is obsessing over these other women and even texting them while sitting on the couch cuddling with me. I didn't want him to hide the relationships from me but I sure as heck didn't want him to flaunt them and act like these other women were so great and wonderful and the be all end all. He would sit and ponder about whether or not he wanted to sleep with them and how he would go about getting together with them. I knew every time he was out with them and he would come home and tell me all about it.

There is a difference between outright hiding and being discreet or low key.

[Deeno02]

First off, if you are broken up, why does it matter what she is or isn't doing?

Is there a chance that if she were posting stuff all over FB that you would be upset about that too? Do you think you would feel that she was flaunting it if she did post a bunch of stuff about the new guy?

When my husband was having relationships with other women, it would make me so mad that he would flaunt those other women and talk about them and tell me how great they were. It was like being stabbed in the back with a knife. Here is says he loves me and wants to figure out how to fix our relationship yet he is obsessing over these other women and even texting them while sitting on the couch cuddling with me. I didn't want him to hide the relationships from me but I sure as heck didn't want him to flaunt them and act like these other women were so great and wonderful and the be all end all. He would sit and ponder about whether or not he wanted to sleep with them and how he would go about getting together with them. I knew every time he was out with them and he would come home and tell me all about it.

There is a difference between outright hiding and being discreet or low key.

Vortex is right. While it bothers me being replaced so quickly, I find that I really dont care what the hell she does. I really dont. Its not my circus, not my monkeys. However, be on guard for awhile. Example, 40 days NC and 7 weeks since breakup. Neighbors tell me shes been walking her dog past my house. Randomly, her 15 year old son, out of the blue, texts me asking if I still have the engagment ring I was going to give her. I must admit to being a little bit on hypervigilance over the whole thing, but overall, just let it go.

[emancipated]

Vortex the reason I am confused is things I've read that could be indicative of as with most of my posts its really to hear experiences and draw my own conclusions and yes to a degree it would be better for them to be flaunting because that's what she did with me... I used to desire a recycle so bad it hurt... now its more about finding my peace of mind and this helps... and just further substantiates the fact what she said to me was a lie and that is part of it those questions used to beat me up now its slowly getting to the point a dont care and would actually like a a Lil pain inflicted that way. These posts have helped me find the anger stage and like I mentioned before just helping me finish burying the hurt that this relationship inflicted on me... .and to be ready should her lies about never coming baxk and she does appear from outer space whether to try and be a tormentor to me and my recently reconciled wife and to be able to stand strong should she actually try to suck.me back in... no one not even my daughters mother who was also BPD had this kind of impact on me so this is how I am choosing to heal my wounded soul it may take longer and many may not understand but i am getting stronger everyday and that I am thankful for truth be told I hope he whoops her ass like a lot of military personel do and the reason it matters to me is the reasons listed above

[emancipated]

Yes deeno i realize u don't care and thank for the continuing advice on going nc which I am already currently doing I can't say this any differently obviously u are more advanced in your coping with the damage this relationship has inflicted upon... u I envy and admire that and as I have mentioned in previous posts that this is the route I have choosen to take with my recovery and if it takes longer than yours ... vortexes or anyone else i know in the end I'll be prepared for the end game should it come. I am not ashamed and I simply want input on other people's experiences with that response it almost makes me wonder why ur responding at all? Arent these forums for us to voice our questions share stories and be a support group to help us heal?

[vortex of confusion]

Vortex the reason I am confused is things I've read that could be indicative of as with most of my posts its really to hear experiences and draw my own conclusions and yes to a degree it would be better for them to be flaunting because that's what she did with me... I used to desire a recycle so bad it hurt... now its more about finding my peace of mind and this helps... and just further substantiates the fact what she said to me was a lie and that is part of it those questions used to beat me up now its slowly getting to the point a dont care and would actually like a a Lil pain inflicted that way. These posts have helped me find the anger stage and like I mentioned before just helping me finish burying the hurt that this relationship inflicted on me... .and to be ready should her lies about never coming baxk and she does appear from outer space whether to try and be a tormentor to me and my recently reconciled wife and to be able to stand strong should she actually try to suck.me back in... no one not even my daughters mother who was also BPD had this kind of impact on me so this is how I am choosing to heal my wounded soul it may take longer and many may not understand but i am getting stronger everyday and that I am thankful for truth be told I hope he whoops her ass like a lot of military personel do and the reason it matters to me is the reasons listed above

Trying to bury the hurt can be problematic. I don't know if this is a matter of semantics but I find it more helpful to let myself feel the hurt without burying it.

People with BPD can be very selfish and thoughtless. She may have been flaunting you to hurt somebody else. If there is no one to hurt, then that might be why she isn't flaunting the new guy. There is rarely any rhyme or reason to what they do.

As somebody that is married and having an affair, I think it would be more helpful for you to focus on your wife. I know that you are in a lot of pain. One of the things that I have experienced is that when you are in a relationship and having an affair, the new person (with or without BPD) acts as a pressure relief valve and provides such a big outlet for all of the pent up stuff from the marriage that it is really difficult to not have those really intense feelings.

How does your wife feel about all of this? Does she know? Are the two of you in counseling? Are you in some kind of counseling? Having a spouse and a lover is one messed up can of worms that I wouldn't wish on anybody because of the confusion involved. I am very glad that things are low key with my lover. It gives me the space to make peace with everything and sort out what the heck I am feeling, what I have done wrong, and how the heck to become healthier and find peace moving forward.

[emancipated]

Bury is the wrong word... meaning out it to rest and be able to move on and please don't get it twisted I am concentrating on my wife I still have questions that need answering if u asked me 2 weeks ago it might have been different and I have felt the hurt I didn't barrel into a rebound like she did and truth be told me and my wife weren't gonna reconcile we became friends again and it gradually matured from there... we attended marriage counseling and I am currently seeing a counselor for my codependent tendencies and to help identify and toughen up what has left susceptible to this kind of hurt but truth be told talking about it both with people in life and especially on here has helped me more than he ever could .i personally find it irratating when people respond ignoring ur question entirely and giving advice about no contact about why something should or shouldn't matter ... if they want to tack it on at the end of answering the question then that's one thing but this is how I'm dealing and its helping nc didn't help me see who she really is like this site has and helped me to just realize the person I fell for wasn't real

[Infared]

I can relate my friend especially the depression part and then having the gall bladder out and nearly during from blood loss all within two weeks of coming across the pics and about 6 weeks after the official breakup and truth be told infrared I wanted to die or to be dead. All the diladed in the world couldn't kill that pain and the fact we used to pick on younger women who went with older homely guys and then she leaves me for that it was too much to bare.and the lies about the dog just about tore it. I would love that chance to be able to confront the monster head on and sew If she could still affect me and yea when mine told me it was over she told me not to.come back to.town because she wouldn't see me and nothing could make a.diffrence and the projecting at me about it was all my fault and I hurt her so deeply and she could never love again and then she's humping this chomo looking dude. Still makes me sick to my stomach but I just think of it as the woman I loved is dead and this monster is all that's left.

Yeah... we have to deal with a REAL loss, because we showed up and were trusting, faithful and honest... .and had the rug pulled out from under us.

Just remember... all of their abuse, lies and belittlement ... .ALL of their strength for that abuse comes from the new supply.  They are pathetic, weak little nobodies that have to be propped up by someone else (but they hide that at all costs because they are sick)... .and what decent person would treat someone that way... even in a normal adult breakup... .I always had empathy and care as much as I could.  I certainly didn't go out of my way to dimean an ex girlfriend when I initiated the B/U...

It is just difficult that we have to find out who they TRULY are buy this situation. Knowing this does not make our pain any less or even ease it for me.   ... .It is a tough place to be ... and I would not wish it upon anyone. 

What takes us a while to see is that this person is poison for us now... .and we HAVE to just stay away from them.  My life depended on it.  (that is no exageration).