they don't like it when you go off script

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

I'm owning it... .I was too submissive, too compliant, too intoxicated by infatuation and feeling like I'd met my soulmate.

I can't imagine anyone being more "well-behaved" than I was in the relationship.  Might as well have been a Stepford Wife (errrr, girlfriend).

But I got tired, eventually, all give and no take--emotionally-- makes for a very tired woman.  You get so tired that you just don't care anymore, and all the bottled up resentment comes out with a large POP like a champagne bottle being opened.  Only not as fun.

When we broke up, I was relieved and sad but not devastated.  It was the nastiness following the breakup that messed with my head and my heart.  Who the hell was this?  I didn't even recognize him.  I would have bet my life that he was a *really* good person, conscientious,  who would never intentionally inflict pain on a fly, much less me.

I know it isn't like this for everyone, because so many of you had much more involvement and spent more time with your messed-up-exes, but for me this was the worst.

Anyone else feel completely blindsided?  

[SickofMe]

I'm owning it... .I was too submissive, too compliant, too intoxicated by infatuation and feeling like I'd met my soulmate.

I can't imagine anyone being more "well-behaved" than I was in the relationship.  Might as well have been a Stepford Wife (errrr, girlfriend).

But I got tired, eventually, all give and no take--emotionally-- makes for a very tired woman.  You get so tired that you just don't care anymore, and all the bottled up resentment comes out with a large POP like a champagne bottle being opened.  Only not as fun.

When we broke up, I was relieved and sad but not devastated.  It was the nastiness following the breakup that messed with my head and my heart.  Who the hell was this?  I didn't even recognize him.  I would have bet my life that he was a *really* good person, conscientious,  who would never intentionally inflict pain on a fly, much less me.

I know it isn't like this for everyone, because so many of you had much more involvement and spent more time with your messed-up-exes, but for me this was the worst.

Anyone else feel completely blindsided?  

[fred6]

I'm owning it... .I was too submissive, too complaint, too intoxicated by infatuation and feeling like I'd met my soulmate.

I can't imagine anyone being more "well-behaved" than I was in the relationship.  Might as well have been a Stepford Wife (errrr, girlfriend).

But I got tired, eventually, all give and no take--emotionally-- makes for a very tired woman.  You get so tired that you just don't care anymore, and all the bottled up resentment comes out with a large POP like a champagne bottle being opened.  Only not as fun.

When we broke up, I was relieved and sad but not devastated.  It was the nastiness following the breakup that messed with my head and my heart.  Who the hell was this?  I didn't even recognize him.  I would have bet my life that he was a *really* good person, conscientious,  who would never intentionally inflict pain on a fly, much less me.

I know it isn't like this for everyone, because so many of you had much more involvement and spent more time with your messed-up-exes, but for me this was the worst.

Anyone else feel completely blindsided? 

Yes. The cheating and the lying hurt really bad. I think it's totally wrong and don't condone it, but "I get it", those things happen every day. The part that made this so bad was that literally one day she loved me and the next day I didn't exist. Almost like I was the one that cheated and emotionally abused her. Hell, I even told her, "I forgive you". And her reply was, "I didn't ask you to forgive me". What the heck? Really?

[StayOrLeave15]

I'm not sure which is worse: When your BPD partner paints you black and simply leaves you or they turn into a different person yet you are attached and stay in the relationship trying to "make it work". 

I've experienced both, and there doesn't seem to be any rhyme or reason.  For me to move on it required a recycle after almost a month of NC, her apologies, my apologies, we saying we had changed and that we were going to work together, and then seeing all her old behaviors come back.  The loss and nastiness after hurts so much, but so does the experience of being together with someone that you don't recognize.  And this change can occur in an instant in pwBPD.

[SickofMe]

The part that made this so bad was that literally one day she loved me and the next day I didn't exist. Almost like I was the one that cheated and emotionally abused her.

Mine behaved this way, too, and acted as if *he* had been victimized by *me* which is completely laughable.  My crime was to hold him accountable for a lie--not a cheat, but similar bc it involved his ex wife--and not back down.

I heard from him yesterday that he was sorry he had been mean, he was "triggered" by feeling like he'd failed to meet my expectations.  Nice appropriation of psycho-babble, considering... .he knows it is my language.  Essentially, he compared his feelings of being caught screwing up with my feelings of him ST'ing me, humiliating me, and acting like a sadist.  TOTAL apples and oranges.

The saddest part is that I'm convinced he believes the two are equal.  Either that, or he thinks he can manipulate me into believing they are.  He waited too long.  Three months of icy cold refusal to even have a "good-bye" conversation, although messing with me covertly the whole time.  He waited too long, bc now I can see it very, very clearly.

I didn't respond to his machinations and I hope to god he realizes that's because I've seen it now.  Right in front of my face the whole time.  I was too scared to let go.

[SickofMe]

The loss and nastiness after hurts so much, but so does the experience of being together with someone that you don't recognize.

It doesn't just hurt, it screws with you.  It's traumatic, there is no other way to truly describe it.  We scramble and back peddle and hope it isn't true.  Nothing adds up.

Hurting sucks, but it is an entirely different experience to grieve and be sad than it is to wonder what happened, whether it was your fault, whether or not you are crazy.  That is more than hurt... .it is toxic.

[peiper]

She definitely didn't like going off script. The night she threw her last tantrum she thought I'd kiss her butt like I always had. She brought up divorce, I texted her later to send the papers and I'll sign them and pay the filing fee. She got very nasty then.

[SickofMe]

She brought up divorce, I texted her later to send the papers and I'll sign them and pay the filing fee.

HA!  Divine justice.  Good for you.  Sorry she turned nasty, though, predictable.

[Pingo]

I'm owning it... .I was too submissive, too complaint, too intoxicated by infatuation and feeling like I'd met my soulmate.

I can't imagine anyone being more "well-behaved" than I was in the relationship.  Might as well have been a Stepford Wife (errrr, girlfriend).

But I got tired, eventually, all give and no take--emotionally-- makes for a very tired woman.  You get so tired that you just don't care anymore, and all the bottled up resentment comes out with a large POP like a champagne bottle being opened.  Only not as fun.

When we broke up, I was relieved and sad but not devastated.  It was the nastiness following the breakup that messed with my head and my heart.  Who the hell was this?  I didn't even recognize him.  I would have bet my life that he was a *really* good person, conscientious,  who would never intentionally inflict pain on a fly, much less me.

I know it isn't like this for everyone, because so many of you had much more involvement and spent more time with your messed-up-exes, but for me this was the worst.

Anyone else feel completely blindsided? 

I could have typed every word!  I was so giving, kind, thoughtful, subservient, agreeable, blah blah blah and one day realised that I wasn't getting back half of what I was putting in to the r/s, not even close!    I started calling him on the fact he wasn't contributing to our household finances, he was trying to control me all the time, possess me, invading my privacy by reading my ___)... .I called him on all of it near the end.  That didn't go so well!  It made him even more paranoid and controlling!  Then I finally ended it after a ST followed by a rage and I had enough!  This was followed by him trying to change my mind, trying to seduce me again, etc.  But once he realised I wasn't going to change my mind, I saw someone I didn't even recognise!  Honestly the man I've seen since the break up, seeing him in a totally new way (crazy), has helped in detaching from him.  I at first was guilt ridden and so scared I had made a mistake but seeing the change in his character after we split made things fall into place.  I had spent 4 yrs with him and even married him!  But throughout the entire r/s I had a constant sense of anxiety and fear.  Often I couldn't put my finger on what was causing it.  I was so deeply in the fog!  Out of the r/s and doing extensive reading and therapy I have come to realise how abused I was throughout the r/s.  So the person I saw after the split was always there, just a wolf in sheep's clothing.

[Deeno02]

Mine didnt cheat, but i couldnt keep up with the all give no recieve demands in the relationship and i failed. So i was split black and my soul was crushed. Now shes with the replacement, and im in therapy trying to rebuild by world.

[SickofMe]

 But throughout the entire r/s I had a constant sense of anxiety and fear.  Often I couldn't put my finger on what was causing it.  I was so deeply in the fog!  Out of the r/s and doing extensive reading and therapy I have come to realise how abused I was throughout the r/s.  So the person I saw after the split was always there, just a wolf in sheep's clothing.

I think some of them are more sheepish than others.  Mine is very very attached to his "Nice Guy" persona and it is completely FAKE.  I thought about it after the breakup, and of his 900+ (no I'm not joking) FB friends, I have never actually heard him say anything good about any of them.  Not really.  In the beginning, he told me he "likes everyone" and I was like WOW, I've met a saint, Forrest Gump!  And I'm not really like that--I'm wary and suspicious and have a hard time trusting people (bc of trauma hx).  Suddenly I realized, that was all a big act.  He says negative, derisive, devaluing stuff about EVERYONE.  But mostly people he envies.

He really ought to be scared to treat me the way he has.  I know so many really unflattering secrets about him--how he uses his elderly mother for money, his poor work ethic, his sexual dysfunction, substance abuse issues, sleeping with his daughters (not sexual, but weird, still--esp the one who is an adolescent!)

I guess he is banking on the fact that I'm too nice/reserved/private to tell people about him... .and he is right, of course.  I wouldn't, mostly bc I'm not impulsive and you never know what the consequences of such things could end up being to innocent parties... .but I have been tempted!  A part of me wants justice, I guess.  And justice would be served if people knew what a big phony he is.

Oh well.  I seem to have entered the anger phase. :P

[SickofMe]

Mine didnt cheat, but i couldnt keep up with the all give no recieve demands in the relationship and i failed. So i was split black and my soul was crushed. Now shes with the replacement, and im in therapy trying to rebuild by world.

Yours is pretty recent, yes?  Your soul is still in there, if it weren't you'd not be crushed, you'd be annihilated and have no feelings at all.  It's your soul that is hurting, try to embrace that part of you because that is what you want to keep of yourself.

I totally relate to the all give no receive part... .mine felt that my having any sort of need whatsoever was "demanding."  Somehow he didn't realize that his expectation I have no expectation was extremely demanding! 

I think I was his accessory, he thought I made him look good/normal, etc.  Pretty sad I'd be okay with that for so long.  Self-worth issues.

[fred6]

 Suddenly I realized, that was all a big act.  He says negative, derisive, devaluing stuff about EVERYONE.  But mostly people he envies.

Spot on. My ex spoke badly of everyone she envied, plus some that she didn't. Hell, almost everyone. I have to admit though. I may have seemed controling to her, but that's only because she could never make any decisions or work out any of her issues that she had. In my mind, I tried to guide her and give her advice. But to a BPD they always think that they are losing control of their life and people are trying to control them. Hell, if she said that she wanted to go out to eat and I asked her where she wanted to go, she would say "I don't know" or "I don't care". Like I was supposed to read her mind, and if I picked the "wrong" place she would be all nutty about it.

I also have to admit that I snooped and read her texts and FB. But only after I knew she was cheating. I had to have validation and proof of the fact before I could confront her with it. I feel in that situation it's justified. Two people in a relationship shouldn't have secrets anyhow... .

[SickofMe]

I also have to admit that I snooped and read her texts and FB. But only after I knew she was cheating. I had to have validation and proof of the fact before I could confront her with it. I feel in that situation it's justified. Two people in a relationship shouldn't have secrets anyhow... .

Yeah, not so good... .but unless this is a pattern for you, it's probably a sign that you knew something wasn't right, that you couldn't trust her.

Of course, it would be healthier to just ask and express your insecurities.  But when you are dealing with someone who twists the truth, evades, and justifies, the direct approach is futile.

[fred6]

I also have to admit that I snooped and read her texts and FB. But only after I knew she was cheating. I had to have validation and proof of the fact before I could confront her with it. I feel in that situation it's justified. Two people in a relationship shouldn't have secrets anyhow... .

Yeah, not so good... .but unless this is a pattern for you, it's probably a sign that you knew something wasn't right, that you couldn't trust her.

Of course, it would be healthier to just ask and express your insecurities.  But when you are dealing with someone who twists the truth, evades, and justifies, the direct approach is futile.

No, that's the only time I ever did that. I'm not the jealous type. She could always go out or do what she wanted, I never checked up on her. There were lots of signs that she was cheating, not to mention she said this guys name in her sleep also. A year ago I could have picked up her phone and played with it or got on her Facebook and she wouldn't have said anything about it. The only reason she got pissed off about it is because she got caught. I gave her the chance to fess up and she lied about it for a month. I had to take matters into my own hands at that point. Like I told her, "If you weren't cheating in the first place, I wouldn't have had a reason to snoop".

[myself]

We didn't like it when they went off script, either.

Painfully rewriting the past, present, and future.

Not living up to their promises. Or our expectations.

[Deeno02]

Mine didnt cheat, but i couldnt keep up with the all give no recieve demands in the relationship and i failed. So i was split black and my soul was crushed. Now shes with the replacement, and im in therapy trying to rebuild by world.

Yours is pretty recent, yes?  Your soul is still in there, if it weren't you'd not be crushed, you'd be annihilated and have no feelings at all.  It's your soul that is hurting, try to embrace that part of you because that is what you want to keep of yourself.

I totally relate to the all give no receive part... .mine felt that my having any sort of need whatsoever was "demanding."  Somehow he didn't realize that his expectation I have no expectation was extremely demanding! 

I think I was his accessory, he thought I made him look good/normal, etc.  Pretty sad I'd be okay with that for so long.  Self-worth issues.

Me to. Long story short, got her through her separation, her divorce, her ex husband issues, death of mom, 5 kids, fibromyalgia, Xanax. Met her friends only 4 times in a year and a half, only 2 pictures of us together of us, no Facebook relationship status change, didn't even change her profile picture to one of us. Never did couple things, never did anything I wanted. I was a complete and utter tool until she got back on her feet after being a stay at home mom. I'm such a god damn idiot. F*ck!

[vortex of confusion]

I can't imagine anyone being more "well-behaved" than I was in the relationship.  Might as well have been a Stepford Wife (errrr, girlfriend).

I bet I could give you a run for your money. When I tried to talk to one of our mutual friends, our friend said, "He just needs you to take care of him. You need to stop trying to change him." All I could think was, "Are you friggin' kidding me? The depths that I have gone to take care of him were far beyond anything a normal person would do."

But I got tired, eventually, all give and no take--emotionally-- makes for a very tired woman.  You get so tired that you just don't care anymore, and all the bottled up resentment comes out with a large POP like a champagne bottle being opened.  Only not as fun.

Are you sure you aren't me? Seriously though, that is exactly what happened with me. Taking care of him wasn't as big a deal before we had kids. With each kid, it became more and more difficult. I think the last straw was when he started getting resentful and jealous of our kids. At one point, it felt like him and the kids were fighting over me.

When we broke up, I was relieved and sad but not devastated.  It was the nastiness following the breakup that messed with my head and my heart.  Who the hell was this?  I didn't even recognize him.  I would have bet my life that he was a *really* good person, conscientious,  who would never intentionally inflict pain on a fly, much less me.

Yep, right there with you. Only we haven't broken up. I have put up with this crap for 16.5 years of marriage. Somewhere along the way he changed. Like you, I would have bet that he was incapable of doing some of the things that have been done. And I have no idea how things will go down when I finally get in a place where we can part ways.

Anyone else feel completely blindsided?  

Yep, completely blindsided here. Not sure if I was blindsided or just plain blind to what was in front of my face the whole friggin' time.

[/quote]

[vortex of confusion]

 Suddenly I realized, that was all a big act.  He says negative, derisive, devaluing stuff about EVERYONE.  But mostly people he envies.

Spot on. My ex spoke badly of everyone she envied, plus some that she didn't. Hell, almost everyone. I have to admit though. I may have seemed controling to her, but that's only because she could never make any decisions or work out any of her issues that she had. In my mind, I tried to guide her and give her advice. But to a BPD they always think that they are losing control of their life and people are trying to control them. Hell, if she said that she wanted to go out to eat and I asked her where she wanted to go, she would say "I don't know" or "I don't care". Like I was supposed to read her mind, and if I picked the "wrong" place she would be all nutty about it.

I also have to admit that I snooped and read her texts and FB. But only after I knew she was cheating. I had to have validation and proof of the fact before I could confront her with it. I feel in that situation it's justified. Two people in a relationship shouldn't have secrets anyhow... .

Yep, I could have written most of this. I asked him to plan an anniversary date for us. He couldn't do that beyond saying that we were going out to eat. It took 20 minutes for us to decide where to go.

[letmeout]

I think the last straw was when he started getting resentful and jealous of our kids.

It feels like BPD people are all clones because they are so spot on similar.

My ex was jealous of our children too, and he could throw temper tantrums better than they could! Serious temper tantrums. If only I hadn't lived in the darn fog, I could have seen that staying with him was screwing up our kids.

They are adults now, but they still suffer the consequences of having lived with a BPD parent.

[vortex of confusion]

It feels like BPD people are all clones because they are so spot on similar.

My ex was jealous of our children too, and he could throw temper tantrums better than they could! Serious temper tantrums. If only I hadn't lived in the darn fog I would have seen that staying with him was going to screw up the kids.

I never would have dreamed that a grown man could act so childish. He is definitely screwing up our kids and I am trying to work towards finding a way out. But I know I have to be very calculating and deliberate in how I go about doing it.

[Tiepje3]

He had a hard time with me when he found out I picked up smoking again and 'ordered' me to quit. But he was in a downward spiral due to work stress so most of the times after he had raged at me for no reason and left for work (or a bar) I went out to buy cigarettes, just to feel in control of at least something (bad choice, I know). Then later he wrote to me that he 'would have never looked for another r/s if I had quit my smoking habits', and thus making me responsible for his infidelity?

A month after I found out about the replacement he left the house, didn't tell me where he moved to and still won't give me his new address. We currently find ourselves in a nasty divorce where he's trying (or let his attorney try) to really paint me black, make me look like a golddigger, as if I've always only wanted him for his money etcetera. Very nasty. No closure. He told me that he doesn't love me, nor hate me. He feels nothing for me. Met six years ago, was married for four years. Soulmate, love of his life, his saviour and what not... .duh!