Is it possible to maintain a healthy relationship with one parent?

[Depression = 72% of members]

My uBPDm exhibits hostility and jealousy if anyone in the family wants to do anything with my father if she is not included.  She is invited frequently, but either she doesn't feel well, the weather isn't ideal or she doesn't want to leave the dogs for that long. Lots of excuses.   For example, my father was house sitting for my sister last weekend and I went to visit with him (I also spent an afternoon with my mother).  My father and I went to a very family oriented Jazzfest where we listened to music and played scrabble for a few hours.  My mother was FURIOUS and doesn't understand this is not rational behavior.  What's even more maddening is she is a self proclaimed daddy's girl but doesn't think my father is worthy of that same type of adoration from my sister and I. 

Does anyone have any suggestions for me? I know my mother is sick, but she makes her own choice not to participate.  I feel like my dad on the other hand misses out on so much so as not to rock the boat.

Thanks in advance for any advice!

[Dexter0420]

My uBPDm exhibits hostility and jealousy if anyone in the family wants to do anything with my father if she is not included.  She is invited frequently, but either she doesn't feel well, the weather isn't ideal or she doesn't want to leave the dogs for that long. Lots of excuses.   For example, my father was house sitting for my sister last weekend and I went to visit with him (I also spent an afternoon with my mother).  My father and I went to a very family oriented Jazzfest where we listened to music and played scrabble for a few hours.  My mother was FURIOUS and doesn't understand this is not rational behavior.  What's even more maddening is she is a self proclaimed daddy's girl but doesn't think my father is worthy of that same type of adoration from my sister and I. 

Does anyone have any suggestions for me? I know my mother is sick, but she makes her own choice not to participate.  I feel like my dad on the other hand misses out on so much so as not to rock the boat.

Thanks in advance for any advice!

[Sofie]

I think I know exactly how you feel. My father passed away many years ago, but my uNPD/BPD mother is just the same regarding my sister and I spending time together. She simply cannot BEAR it if we spend time together without her being there as well, and I suspect that she secretly dislikes that my sister and I increasingly have grown close as adults. (Come on... .how twisted is that... .any normal parent would like siblings to be close  )

I know it's tough, but, honestly, my best advice here is to ignore your mother's feelings - as you say, you're not keeping her out, she chooses for herself not to participate. Live your life - and do what YOU want to do and feel like doing with your dad.

[Harri]

Hi Dexter.  I think it is possible to have a good relationship with one parent and yes, it can be maintained but you and your father will both have to actively work on it and you both have to be committed to following through.  It will require you both deciding to get together while accepting that your mother will get upset, she had proven that time and again. 

Does anyone have any suggestions for me? I know my mother is sick, but she makes her own choice not to participate.  I feel like my dad on the other hand misses out on so much so as not to rock the boat.

You are correct that your mother is making a choice here, but so is your father.  Yes, she may make his life more difficult and yes, she probably uses manipulation that is hard to deal with, but he is an adult and gets to take responsibility for his choice to not rock the boat.

What are you hoping to have happen here?  Are you looking for a way to be able to spend time with your dad and not have your mother get upset?  Or is it something else?