Her and the Replacement show no affection?

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Whoops I originally posted this in the wrong section i believe... but anyway.

It's been almost 3 months since I've been N/C and I'm remaining N/C.   We're both college kids (just saying our ages to give an idea of our mindsets)

But occasionally I'll see a new post on instagram/facebook of my BPDex and the person she replaced me with 9 days after she dumped me.  She just met him literally.

The weird thing is... they hang out ALL day and talk ALL day and take pictures together and whatnot but, I have YET to see a single affectionate post.  Theres not 1 picture of them kissing, and NO "I love yous" in any of the posts they talk on, on facebook.  Theres no Silly heart emoji's such as  love.  And theres hasn't been a SINGLE "You're cute" remark or post on anything.

Its basically just them talking normal and hanging normal.  Whats the deal for real.  When she was with me for 4 years, everytime she commented on a picture of mine, or post... .she'd flirt, tease, joke, say she loved me, or how cute or ugly (in a flirtatious way) that I was... with at least 100 heart emojis.

I don't understand.

[Algae]

Whoops I originally posted this in the wrong section i believe... but anyway.

It's been almost 3 months since I've been N/C and I'm remaining N/C.   We're both college kids (just saying our ages to give an idea of our mindsets)

But occasionally I'll see a new post on instagram/facebook of my BPDex and the person she replaced me with 9 days after she dumped me.  She just met him literally.

The weird thing is... they hang out ALL day and talk ALL day and take pictures together and whatnot but, I have YET to see a single affectionate post.  Theres not 1 picture of them kissing, and NO "I love yous" in any of the posts they talk on, on facebook.  Theres no Silly heart emoji's such as  love.  And theres hasn't been a SINGLE "You're cute" remark or post on anything.

Its basically just them talking normal and hanging normal.  Whats the deal for real.  When she was with me for 4 years, everytime she commented on a picture of mine, or post... .she'd flirt, tease, joke, say she loved me, or how cute or ugly (in a flirtatious way) that I was... with at least 100 heart emojis.

I don't understand.

[Blimblam]

It hurts looking at the social media stuff with them. It hurts bad yet it is addictive. This need to be somehow validated that you meant something to her.  You did you meant something to her. The sad truth is you were an attachment and she always needs an attachment. Without someone to tell her who she is she feels like she will dissapeared. She would have to feel all the pain she is hiding from. 

She is like a drug and you are addicted to the chemicals in your brain that she released and she attached to your deep inner realms. Parts of you that you may have never felt before. Then when she leaves it feels like this gaping hole of pain and suffering.  And to avoid this we want contact something anything crumbs. Then we get it and we get our hit of addiction craved but it hurts again. It always hurts again.

That desire for validation that you mean more to her than this other guy.  This is torture and it's hard to let go of.  Because what your are seeking is some compassion for that wounded child in you.  You felt that with her once.  You want that back.  That's gotta come from you now. And that yearning feeling for her their is compassion in their but your directing it at her but she's not their to mirror it back anymore.  She's gone.  She's gone dude!  I'm sorry. It hurts like hell. That feeling you have if her and for her that's all in you.  That part of you that feels compassion for that wounded soul of hers.  That's in you too.

But when it feels externalized and want to feel that part of ourselves it makes us want to contact her or look her up on social media. But really it's about you recognizing that part of her you still feel is a part of you. That wounded child in you looking for compassion to heal.

[Chasing_Ghosts]

I agree with Blim completely. But just to give you another perspective is shes mirroring him now. I would suspect he is more reserved. So her usual clinginess doesn't work so as a result she is more reserved too. Im saying this because this last time my BPDex mirrored me when i was white in idealization she stopped texting so much once i placed the idea subliminally that i didn't want that by not responding as quickly and mostly letting her initiate. Before i was all about responding right away and double and triple texting. Its intruiging to see the difference because she would still send me 5-6 texts to tryn get my attention and if she did that id simply take a few hours to respond and then the next day shed only send one and be patient for my answer. You can train them in a way but it doesn't tame the disorder only the alleviates the directed symptoms.  

[Algae]

It hurts looking at the social media stuff with them. It hurts bad yet it is addictive. This need to be somehow validated that you meant something to her.  You did you meant something to her. The sad truth is you were an attachment and she always needs an attachment. Without someone to tell her who she is she feels like she will dissapeared. She would have to feel all the pain she is hiding from.  

She is like a drug and you are addicted to the chemicals in your brain that she released and she attached to your deep inner realms. Parts of you that you may have never felt before. Then when she leaves it feels like this gaping hole of pain and suffering.  And to avoid this we want contact something anything crumbs. Then we get it and we get our hit of addiction craved but it hurts again. It always hurts again.

That desire for validation that you mean more to her than this other guy.  This is torture and it's hard to let go of.  Because what your are seeking is some compassion for that wounded child in you.  You felt that with her once.  You want that back.  That's gotta come from you now. And that yearning feeling for her their is compassion in their but your directing it at her but she's not their to mirror it back anymore.  She's gone.  She's gone dude!  I'm sorry. It hurts like hell. That feeling you have if her and for her that's all in you.  That part of you that feels compassion for that wounded soul of hers.  That's in you too.

But when it feels externalized and want to feel that part of ourselves it makes us want to contact her or look her up on social media. But really it's about you recognizing that part of her you still feel is a part of you. That wounded child in you looking for compassion to heal.

I still don't believe the "shes gone dude!"  part.  Even if I wasn't going to take her back and just rant at her, not caring if I was going to get painted black again... it would be a release and closure.  My point is, she's done this 7 times before. Lying, cheating, and always comes back 3-4 months later boohoo'ing.

Its just strange that with me... she has fun and posts funny comments and spams my facebook with 1000 posts and clinginess.  But with this dude, it feels like she doesnt even care about him.

[Blimblam]

Well you are right she is not gone if she feels she can use you for narcisistic supply as an attachment in the future.  If you rant at her it may or may not give you closure. But that's part of what hurts so bad with these relationships the lack of closure.  The closure has to come from within.  You meant something to her you were her world.  Looking at these social media posts and trying to read into it will keep you attached. I can relate though I wanted to know i meant something to my ex. Ultimately i realized that I did but it took no contact of any sort to let the fog clear and be able to look back.

It is really hard to say what her social media interaction with him means. She will adapt her personality to the needs and wants of the attachment she has.

My ex was the master of 2 birds with one stone.  After me she changed her social media style to hide she had anything going on with anyone else. This is because she wanted me back as an attachment in the future.

She probably wants to recycle you again in the future. So she doesn't post to him in a way that will make you read into it. It is all manipulation mind games.  It is her wanting to maintain control over her attachments to be used and abused at her disposal.

[RoyalTiger]

She probably wants to recycle you again in the future. So she doesn't post to him in a way that will make you read into it. It is all manipulation mind games.  It is her wanting to maintain control over her attachments to be used and abused at her disposal.

Very well said. Also, closure requires a BPD to acknowledge their faults in the relationship and we know that is practically not possible.

NC means NC. And includes not visiting the social media as well.

[Blimblam]

She probably wants to recycle you again in the future. So she doesn't post to him in a way that will make you read into it. It is all manipulation mind games.  It is her wanting to maintain control over her attachments to be used and abused at her disposal.

Very well said. Also, closure requires a BPD to acknowledge their faults in the relationship and we know that is practically not possible.

NC means NC. And includes not visiting the social media as well.

I agree nc means nc. But algae if your not at that point to go nc. I don't blame you it took me a lot of pain and suffering to get their.  It's nothing to be ashamed of. I still love my ex. I have just recently come to a place of radical acceptance and it took nc for me. Truth be told I still have shreds of hope for the fantasy dream of her and that's it's ok.  I love her and perhaps I always will but like mutt says "love her from a distance." 

Where ever you are in your detaching and healing is where you are and nothing to be ashamed of.

[Algae]

She probably wants to recycle you again in the future. So she doesn't post to him in a way that will make you read into it. It is all manipulation mind games.  It is her wanting to maintain control over her attachments to be used and abused at her disposal.

Very well said. Also, closure requires a BPD to acknowledge their faults in the relationship and we know that is practically not possible.

NC means NC. And includes not visiting the social media as well.

I agree nc means nc. But algae if your not at that point to go nc. I don't blame you it took me a lot of pain and suffering to get their.  It's nothing to be ashamed of. I still love my ex. I have just recently come to a place of radical acceptance and it took nc for me. Truth be told I still have shreds of hope for the fantasy dream of her and that's it's ok.  I love her and perhaps I always will but like mutt says "love her from a distance." 

Where ever you are in your detaching and healing is where you are and nothing to be ashamed of.

I appreciate that.  I mean, I have been able to not talk to her at ALL for almost 3 months.  Not 1 word, message, reply, anything.  And I doubt she thinks im looking at her stuff.

I sometimes even wonder if she still even looks at my facebook or instagram but idk.  I just figured n/c meant cutting all communication

[peiper]

She probably wants to recycle you again in the future. So she doesn't post to him in a way that will make you read into it. It is all manipulation mind games.  It is her wanting to maintain control over her attachments to be used and abused at her disposal.

Very well said. Also, closure requires a BPD to acknowledge their faults in the relationship and we know that is practically not possible.

NC means NC. And includes not visiting the social media as well.

I agree nc means nc. But algae if your not at that point to go nc. I don't blame you it took me a lot of pain and suffering to get their.  It's nothing to be ashamed of. I still love my ex. I have just recently come to a place of radical acceptance and it took nc for me. Truth be told I still have shreds of hope for the fantasy dream of her and that's it's ok.  I love her and perhaps I always will but like mutt says "love her from a distance." 

Where ever you are in your detaching and healing is where you are and nothing to be ashamed of.

I appreciate that.  I mean, I have been able to not talk to her at ALL for almost 3 months.  Not 1 word, message, reply, anything.  And I doubt she thinks im looking at her stuff.

I sometimes even wonder if she still even looks at my facebook or instagram but idk.  I just figured n/c meant cutting all communication

You can bet you butt she's looking at your social media!

[Algae]

She probably wants to recycle you again in the future. So she doesn't post to him in a way that will make you read into it. It is all manipulation mind games.  It is her wanting to maintain control over her attachments to be used and abused at her disposal.

Very well said. Also, closure requires a BPD to acknowledge their faults in the relationship and we know that is practically not possible.

NC means NC. And includes not visiting the social media as well.

I agree nc means nc. But algae if your not at that point to go nc. I don't blame you it took me a lot of pain and suffering to get their.  It's nothing to be ashamed of. I still love my ex. I have just recently come to a place of radical acceptance and it took nc for me. Truth be told I still have shreds of hope for the fantasy dream of her and that's it's ok.  I love her and perhaps I always will but like mutt says "love her from a distance." 

Where ever you are in your detaching and healing is where you are and nothing to be ashamed of.

I appreciate that.  I mean, I have been able to not talk to her at ALL for almost 3 months.  Not 1 word, message, reply, anything.  And I doubt she thinks im looking at her stuff.

I sometimes even wonder if she still even looks at my facebook or instagram but idk.  I just figured n/c meant cutting all communication

You can bet you butt she's looking at your social media!

I keep thinking that too tbh, only because everytme she came back... she told me that she was spying on my instagram or facebook and etc.  I know her though and It remains a question for me to if she 'is' or 'isnt' still looking, because she probably would want to seriously move on... and to do that she'd have to stop looking at my media. 

But then I remember she has BPD (I'm 10000%Sure), and then I realize that she most likely is still looking.

[Chasing_Ghosts]

She probably wants to recycle you again in the future. So she doesn't post to him in a way that will make you read into it. It is all manipulation mind games.  It is her wanting to maintain control over her attachments to be used and abused at her disposal.

Very well said. Also, closure requires a BPD to acknowledge their faults in the relationship and we know that is practically not possible.

NC means NC. And includes not visiting the social media as well.

I agree nc means nc. But algae if your not at that point to go nc. I don't blame you it took me a lot of pain and suffering to get their.  It's nothing to be ashamed of. I still love my ex. I have just recently come to a place of radical acceptance and it took nc for me. Truth be told I still have shreds of hope for the fantasy dream of her and that's it's ok.  I love her and perhaps I always will but like mutt says "love her from a distance." 

Where ever you are in your detaching and healing is where you are and nothing to be ashamed of.

I appreciate that.  I mean, I have been able to not talk to her at ALL for almost 3 months.  Not 1 word, message, reply, anything.  And I doubt she thinks im looking at her stuff.

I sometimes even wonder if she still even looks at my facebook or instagram but idk.  I just figured n/c meant cutting all communication

You can bet you butt she's looking at your social media!

I keep thinking that too tbh, only because everytme she came back... she told me that she was spying on my instagram or facebook and etc.  I know her though and It remains a question for me to if she 'is' or 'isnt' still looking, because she probably would want to seriously move on... and to do that she'd have to stop looking at my media. 

But then I remember she has BPD (I'm 10000%Sure), and then I realize that she most likely is still looking.

My ex has messaged her ex who got married to the girl he got pregnant after she went on a "break"( aka banging other dudes/replacement shopping. ) with him... This ex was from 4 years ago. She still talks about/looks at old photos of her ex from 6-7 years ago and follows him on instagram. I don't think they ever "get over us" at least not in the way we picture. Im sure given the chance shed attempt to recycle any of them. Something in my gut says so... oh yea and the overwhelming evidence of her trying to recycle the ex from 3 years ago to who I was the "replacement". And she got all butthurt when he had a new fiancé saying he "blew" it. Though she does have their failed wedding date with his initials on her ring finger... and hes got her name tattooed like twice and a day of the dead skull of her face tattooed as well... so yea... idk. weird. Wonder how his new fiancé feels about that... though she does bear an almost spot on resemblance to her... and come to think of it so does his first ex whos his babys mama... weirder... this is all finds of ___ed up if ya ask me.   

[Deeno02]

That was the first thing I did when she dumped me and got the replacement going days after. Block, Block, Block, Delete and more Block. Oh, its been tempting at times to unblock and have a look, but I dont. Been almost 8 weeks since b/u and going on 34 days NC. Havent seen her at all either. Im good with that, even though I get a bit anxious at times, I have stayed the course. I hope to hell she is done with me. Gents, I did this because I witnessed first hand this same problem. Should have seen it for what it was. A red flag. I met her as she was knee deep in a separation and I got her through that and her divorce. It wasnt a real rough divorce, but it wasnt easy either. While all this was going on, she continued to stalk her ex on FB, Vine, Instagram etc. I thought it was odd, but her excuse made sense. Alimony stuff. "hes eating here and going there and with this girl etc. etc. etc. Now after the end of it all, I see it for what it was, she wasnt over her ex leaving her, hense the stalking. I wont give her the opportunity to. You dumped me. You do not get the right to be involved in my life in anyway, period. Im sure its driving her nuts that she cant, but, hey, the replacement can keep her occupied. Cheers.

[Algae]

I like these replies... They make me understand and think a bit more haha.

I still don't understand why she's showing almost no affection though. It's as if she's faking her relationship... Which I doubt she is.

6 months ago she got into a relationship with a random guy after splitting with me, and she didn't even talk to him. She just randomly dated a guy she hated for fear of being alone. It's mind boggling but after about a month with him... She cheated on him with me again, cause she came back.

It's bizarre to think that with me she cries even just from seeing me... And makes me gifts everyday. But with this new guy it's like there's nothing. Even though she's obviously dedicated to him

[RoyalTiger]

I like these replies... They make me understand and think a bit more haha.

I still don't understand why she's showing almost no affection though. It's as if she's faking her relationship... Which I doubt she is.

6 months ago she got into a relationship with a random guy after splitting with me, and she didn't even talk to him. She just randomly dated a guy she hated for fear of being alone. It's mind boggling but after about a month with him... She cheated on him with me again, cause she came back.

It's bizarre to think that with me she cries even just from seeing me... And makes me gifts everyday. But with this new guy it's like there's nothing. Even though she's obviously dedicated to him

If you are trying to read into the behavior of a BPD rationally, it will be nothing more than confusing. Since you have decided to undertake the NC path (which is the right thing to do), why does it matter what she is doing to whom? Thank your lucky stars that you are no longer subjected to her painful manipulations and whims.

To briefly tell you my story, I was in a relationship with an uxBPD for three years. Lying (and manipulation that comes with it) was consistent but I stayed because I believed she could change and she promised to do that every single time. But nothing happened. Then I came to discover that she was carrying a parallel relationship with a 12 year older guy since January this year. The girl was so brilliant in keeping him completely under cover that they should give her an Oscar for script and acting. When I confronted her, she was reluctant to admit that till she was convinced that there was no maneuvering out of it. In our discussion of over three hours, not once did she say sorry. And no tears! Quite frankly, her eyes were so piercing and cold that they were scary. At that moment I was wondering if that is the same girl I had known for all these years.

And puzzling thing was when she acknowledged the other guy, she kept saying that she loved me and cared for me with all her heart. Go figure!

So I had enough and went NC. She sent me an email wishing happy birthday to which I never replied. Likewise I never wished her happy birthday which was a few days later. About a month ago, I ran into her in a social event. I caught her looking at me from the corner of her eyes. She stayed for less than hour (which was unusual) and left. There was no verbal exchange between us even though we were only ten feet apart.

How do I feel? NC is the only way to go if you want your sanctity and recovery. There could be times when you are tempted to go back or anything else BUT refrain from it. I guarantee that once you break NC, there will be tremendous degree of regret in you as the outcomes with a BPD will always be the same.

Hope it helps.

[Algae]

I like these replies... They make me understand and think a bit more haha.

I still don't understand why she's showing almost no affection though. It's as if she's faking her relationship... Which I doubt she is.

6 months ago she got into a relationship with a random guy after splitting with me, and she didn't even talk to him. She just randomly dated a guy she hated for fear of being alone. It's mind boggling but after about a month with him... She cheated on him with me again, cause she came back.

It's bizarre to think that with me she cries even just from seeing me... And makes me gifts everyday. But with this new guy it's like there's nothing. Even though she's obviously dedicated to him

If you are trying to read into the behavior of a BPD rationally, it will be nothing more than confusing. Since you have decided to undertake the NC path (which is the right thing to do), why does it matter what she is doing to whom? Thank your lucky stars that you are no longer subjected to her painful manipulations and whims.

To briefly tell you my story, I was in a relationship with an uxBPD for three years. Lying (and manipulation that comes with it) was consistent but I stayed because I believed she could change and she promised to do that every single time. But nothing happened. Then I came to discover that she was carrying a parallel relationship with a 12 year older guy since January this year. The girl was so brilliant in keeping him completely under cover that they should give her an Oscar for script and acting. When I confronted her, she was reluctant to admit that till she was convinced that there was no maneuvering out of it. In our discussion of over three hours, not once did she say sorry. And no tears! Quite frankly, her eyes were so piercing and cold that they were scary. At that moment I was wondering if that is the same girl I had known for all these years.

And puzzling thing was when she acknowledged the other guy, she kept saying that she loved me and cared for me with all her heart. Go figure!

So I had enough and went NC. She sent me an email wishing happy birthday to which I never replied. Likewise I never wished her happy birthday which was a few days later. About a month ago, I ran into her in a social event. I caught her looking at me from the corner of her eyes. She stayed for less than hour (which was unusual) and left. There was no verbal exchange between us even though we were only ten feet apart.

How do I feel? NC is the only way to go if you want your sanctity and recovery. There could be times when you are tempted to go back or anything else BUT refrain from it. I guarantee that once you break NC, there will be tremendous degree of regret in you as the outcomes with a BPD will always be the same.

Hope it helps.

Hm, sounds like she was trying to test the waters with you, with the happy birthday whatnot... and leaving the party early.  But your story is shockingly similar, except for the last part (which is fine).  Piercing eyes... .its like a whole different person. 

To get over her in the past, I often tell myself, "It's not that I lost the girl I Loved... its just the face that the girl I loved doesnt exist anymore.  It's almost like she's dead... and the replacement that has her now... doesnt even have the girl I had."

About the "So why think about what she's doing and to whom?" part that you mentioned... I guess it just mattered to me because I read into things a lot.  And seeing her go 4 years being all over me, crying just from seeing me... taking pictures of me and posting them EVERYWHERE online because she was that obsessed... its just odd that she has someone else and doesnt even do anything remotely close to that.

[FlyingAway]

To get over her in the past, I often tell myself, "It's not that I lost the girl I Loved... its just the face that the girl I loved doesnt exist anymore.  It's almost like she's dead... and the replacement that has her now... doesnt even have the girl I had."

Algae, I just wanted to tell you how much I like this. I'm only 12 days out NC, and I'm going to use this to help me during my rough spots. Hope you don't mind