What was your lightbulb moment in realizing your other parent wasn't "all bad"?

[pessim-optimist]

Hello everyone,

I have been reading another thread and a couple of you have talked about a re-kindled relationship with the other parent.

I have a question for those of you who have been alienated from one of your parents or grew up without them thinking they were these terrible people, and now are able to see them as normal humans with flaws who first and foremost loved you even though they were absent (or emotionally absent).

And maybe even that they were absent exactly because they loved you so much and were driven away by the pain of being alienated/painted black.

What was your  moment in realizing the above (or anything similar, feel free to elaborate), and what made it possible for the relationship to mend/start healing?

How old were you when you came to that realization?

How many years have passed with NC or no real r/s regardless of contact?

One of my husband's daughters is in the position of having been completely alienated and I guess I am looking for insight, or hope that this may change one day... .?

[belikethefox]

I'm new here, so I'm not exactly sure if by "other parent" you mean the non-BPD parent? Or are you talking about reconnecting with a BPD parent?

If you're talking about reconnecting with a non-BPD family member after being alienated BY my BPD parent, then yep, that's my story. I was alienated from most of my family by submitting to my uBPD mother's demands. I had the advantage of the front row seat to watch her destroy all of her family relationships; I should have known it was coming for me, too.

Admittedly, that lightbulb had been flickering for quite some time. In the case of my father, I still have reservations and reason to believe that my mother's stories about his abuse are, for the most part, accurate. However, I now know that I am allowed to have a relationship with him outside of my mother's experience with him. Aside from the disagreements that come from most intergenerational relationships (politics, general attitudes about life and health), I have not personally had conflicts with my father. Seeing my father apart from my mother's interpretation of him has helped me regain a relationship with him.

I still feel the need to keep him at arms length, though. It gets tricky when I'm trying to navigate this stuff with my mom, and I recognize that I don't want (my non-BPD, although arguably other PDs present with him) opinion of my mother to confuse me in my own healing, searching process. I've tried (and he's mostly respected) to establish boundaries with him about talking about my mother with me. But I'd much prefer that I bring up the topic, not him. (Not sure if that's helpful information for your husband and his daughter.)

I was also alienated from the rest of my family, from my brother whom I was once very close with. It took the alienation of this relationship (My mother guilting me out of attending his wedding by making suicidal threats) for me to really let it sink in how much she had isolated me.

Thankfully, these were all family members who knew my situation with my mother, and by the time I was reaching out to heal those relationships, they already understood. Their meeting me with open arms was a huge factor in my healing and continued encouragement.

Sorry if that doesn't answer the question you actually asked.

[pessim-optimist]

Thank you very much for your response, belikethefox!

I'm new here, so I'm not exactly sure if by "other parent" you mean the non-BPD parent? Or are you talking about reconnecting with a BPD parent?

Yes, that's exactly what I meant! 

However, if any one of you have grown up with a BPD or any kind of disordered parent besought with issues, and had been alienated from your other parent (PD or not), and later re-connected with the 'lost' parent, I'd love to hear your stories too an dhow long it took you to figure it out... .

Have you found healing in the fact that your "other parent" actually loved you and cared, or is it too little too late?

[arky]

Strangely enough, after I graduated high school, I began dating a man several years older than me (to whom I am now married) whose ex wife is dBPD. I saw so many similarities between the things he's gone through with his ex denying him rights to his son that my father also went through with my sister and me. It was difficult at first, but my father and I have a better relationship now than we ever have. Unfortunately, between the time my parents split and when I started seeing my father again, he met another woman and adopted her family as his own, so I often feel like I am left out of a lot of family things because he's closer to her kids than he is to me, but I do not blame him for it since I was kept from him for so long. He tries really hard to be a good dad to me, and that's all I ask of him.