Interesting twist of fate

[gonnawin]

I am in my mid 50's and had no idea that I suffered from BPD.  I've been diagiosed with mild BPD.  About 10 years ago I got introduced to self help books and enjoyed them so I continued to read and learn.  I have had multiple diagnoises beside BPD and read a lot about all these issues and how to fix them.  I guess I'm lucky that I figured out I needed some help.  Spiritual books that talk about conciousness really helped a lot too.  I'm still learning and trying to get a grip with my past and constantly finding coping ways for the future.  I don't know if I will ever be what they class as normal but I think I've done a pretty good job of controlling lots of it.  My dilemma is I've met someone who is BPD and I do love him and I would love to help him.  He has said that I have changed lot's of his thinking patterns.  We have had our differences in the last two days and I"m working on patching things if I can. 

Here is my issue:

When I express concerns he gets defensive and thinks I am arguing and I know I'm not.  I am just stating facts and explaining how I perceive things and just want to hear his view on how he perceives things and to see if we can come to a happy medium.  Well... this brings his anxiety and then of course defenses up and he starts to rant that I'm starting an argument.  He doesn't want to deal and discuss anything of importance.  He just wants to drift and continue to live by the means of emotional reaction.  I can't do this anymore and I'm probably at the point of learning how to make decisions and I"m pretty sure the process would be very much like over anallizing to him.

Any suggestions?

My thoughts are I don't budge and if he does not want or can not discuss issues then I have to ignore and move on.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[aubin]

He just wants to drift and continue to live by the means of emotional reaction.

Then let him.   

The thing I hear the nons saying the most on these boards is that we cannot change the BPDs in our lives. Only they can change themselves. Just as you have made great effort to learn about BPD in yourself and make some changes, your BPD guy needs to be able to do that for himself as well.

It sounds like the two of you are in different places emotionally, which maybe means this is not the relationship for you.

[Grey Kitty]

Hello and welcome!

You sound pretty frustrated about his behavior already. And if you have done similar things yourself, in the past, it may well be doubly frustrating to you.

The tools for living with BPD are somewhat different than the tools for living with a person who has BPD. We have lots of good resources helping you work on what you can do to improve the relationship. I'd recommend this one if you haven't read it yet:

Before You Can Make Things Better, You have To Stop Making Things Worse

Hang in there!

 GK

[waverider]

You have to learn to live by your own decisions after hearing his thoughts, rather than trying to come to an agreed decision. In his mind he is either right, or being criticized, his defense for this is to either avoid the subject altogether or push you away (fight or flight)

[shatra]

Waverider wrote--

In his mind he is either right, or being criticized, his defense for this is to either avoid the subject altogether or push you away (fight or flight)

----Why does this happen? Is it because when he is "criticized" he assumes you are splitting him as "all bad" and your next move will be to abandon him?  Or is it the narcissistic traits that BPDs have, where any criticism hurts their fragile self-esteem? Or something else?

Shatra

[enlighten me]

You just raised a point that I have never considered and feel stupid for not seeing it sooner. If they split us black when they see us being negative then do they think we also have black and white thinking. Is this why they cant take critisism as they believe we are painting them black.

[shatra]

Yes enlighten me---

Projection is common with them---they often assume we think and feel as they do.  When we criticize they hear "You are terrible and I'm about to abandon you"---so they abandon us first

[enlighten me]

Its strange that I never considered this. I always thought of their black and white thinking as a one way street. It makes sense of a lot of things. Their overwhelming need to be liked and be seen as perfect.  Their sudden devaluing of us. Everythjng makes a little more sense now.

[waverider]

Its strange that I never considered this. I always thought of their black and white thinking as a one way street. It makes sense of a lot of things. Their overwhelming need to be liked and be seen as perfect.  Their sudden devaluing of us. Everythjng makes a little more sense now.

A lot of their interpretations of how we think is bench marked against how they do. Lack of moderation/regulation is the issue. Everything is extreme. There is no little bit faulty, it is complete failure. Also the feeling of now will last forever, means that to fail now is to be a failure completely, not just in this moment but permanently in every way. No wonder it is so easy for depression to set in if you cant see past the problems of today.