New here, Mom is my fmwBPD

[Mindfulgal]

Good evening. I'm a mom who has a mom with BPD. So glad to have found this resource. Have been studying and working on myself and my interactions with her, setting boundaries, etc. looking forward to utilizing this supportive resource.

[Turkish]

Hello Mindfulgal, and 

Growing up with a BPD parent is tough,.and many adult children do not reach the level of awareness to reach out for support, so I'm glad you are here. What are your specific struggles with your mom at this point, and how can we support you? I hope to hear more, Mindfulgal.

Turkish

[Mindfulgal]

Thank you, Turkish. Things have been going well over the last couple of years since I realized that BPD was the issue (and that it wasn't "just me." and sought resources and therapy and set boundaries. I have worked hard, and continue to work hard, every day. It isn't just for me; it's also for my 4 children, so that they are not subject to the erratic and volatile behavior exhibited by my mother.

A boundary was broken yesterday and it set me off kilter because it was completely unexpected. Boundary = no showing up at my house unannounced because in even those brief occurrences a firestorm can (and usually does) erupt.

I arrived home with one of the kids after an hour in traffic to find my mother parked in front of my house. Husband and 3 other kids were inside. She apparently showed up after work to deliver Halloween treats, rang the doorbell, and no one answered. (Husband saw that it was her through the curtains and followed our "no visits without calling" rule. He won't even open the door. If I am home, I will open the door, remind her of the rule, say goodbye, and close the door.)

So I asked her what was up, she gave me the treats and said she was worried because she rang the bell and heard the kids inside but no one answered. I told her no visits without calls. She left. I parked the car. Subsequently got a text message asking why, when people knew she was at the door, was the door not answered. I told her that she had shown up without a call, that it wasn't an appropriate subject for texting, and that if she needed a boundary reminder/re-explanation we could talk about it again in a neutral place at a set time.

Both my parents are in their 70s. Things have gotten more challenging in the last month because my father broke his hip while out of town and there has been coordination of his care while out of town and transporting him back to our hometown. One of my core values is that adults take loving care of their children and they also take care of their elderly parents. We honor children and elderly (and others, too!) by taking care of them when they cannot do that for themselves. I believe in caring for one's elderly parents, or finding the care and working with that (those) person (people) if one is unable to perform all necessary duties due to circumstances (family responsibilities, work, burnout, etc.).  My sisters and I have been working together (feels so good - we didn't used to, based on our upbringing) to work calmly with my mother and to have my dad taken care of. I think my mother is thinking things have changed because we are having so much interaction lately as it relates to my dad. (Not even going to go into the whole issue of looking to the kids as caretakers of her emotions and needs during this whole thing.

Just feeling unsettled because of the encounter yesterday.

On with the work... .have a great day.

[clljhns]

Hi Mindfulgal,

So I asked her what was up, she gave me the treats and said she was worried because she rang the bell and heard the kids inside but no one answered. I told her no visits without calls. She left. I parked the car. Subsequently got a text message asking why, when people knew she was at the door, was the door not answered. I told her that she had shown up without a call, that it wasn't an appropriate subject for texting, and that if she needed a boundary reminder/re-explanation we could talk about it again in a neutral place at a set time.

Good for you for sticking to your boundary and to your husband for respecting your boundary and supporting you! I know this must be so difficult for you and your family to have to remind your mom to show respect to you and your family. I am very happy you found this site!

You will find many resources here and a lot of support. Keep posting and know we are here for you!

Peace and blessings.